Why Do I Feel So Weird Looking For Younger Women Specifically?
Q:
I’m recently single after a ten-year relationship and returning to the dating game after all that time. i want to have children, more than one in an ideal world. i am 34, my ex was 7 years older. we were trying to have children when we broke up, but with my PCOS and her age, we did not succeed. now returning to dating, i’m experiencing some conflict and discomfort. it feels very “off” to be looking on purpose for women who are around my age or younger, but also feels like, that’s what i have to do if i want to maximize the chances that we’ll have kids together. it will take a few years to get comfortable with someone and be ready for kids. i’ve never dated anyone younger than me before. I was usually attracted to older folks. that’s not really the issue though because i think with the right person it wouldn’t matter. but i feel like i am objectifying people by doing this, reducing someone to the age of their uterus. it feels somehow morally wrong for me to consider this in dating? Is it?
A:
Summer: Well, evaluating potential relationship partners for whether they’d make fitting parents is one of humanity’s oldest pursuits. If not immoral, it’s at least wildly common and normal.
I don’t think it’s immoral to find partners who fit into your vision of the future, either. It ‘s objectifying if one of your principle criteria is breeding value (lmao) at the expense of their numerous other qualities. It’s not immoral or objectifying if you’re trying to find people who simply match your needs for life. It’s doubly fine if you’re upfront about your eventual need to have children. It’s also imperative to consider your future partners’ agency in this. They get a decision in this too, so it’s not exactly harmful if their plans match yours. As long as you’re not being downright creeptastic or inappropriate about it, you’re just dating with an eye toward your future.
Valerie: Have you considered other ways to have children? Could you be open to adoption or surrogacy? So you don’t have to focus so much on age while dating around? You say you’re usually attracted to people older than you, so I guess my question is, are you still attracted to these younger people you’re pursuing, or are you pursuing them JUST because you know they’re more likely to be able to birth you a child? Because that second option seems like a surefire way to doom a relationship. That said, if you are just changing age sliders on a dating app (literally or metaphorically) and still looking for people who check all your other boxes and who you are genuinely into, that’s a different story. As long as you’re very clear about the fact that you want children, and also that you are looking specifically for someone who wants to give birth, age is just one of the many things we all consider when looking for potential partners for one reason or another. It’s a slippery slope, though, so just check in with yourself now and then and consider the reasons you want children so badly, and use THOSE qualities to help you find someone to build that life with you.
Nico: People can also have kids in their 40’s! So, it’s possible you’re limiting yourself too much, here. I’d leave potential for you to discuss matters with a potential partner, regardless of whether they’re a little older or younger, because every person’s individual situation is going to be different. And on the other hand, I think that exploring the ages of people you’re open to dating is maybe a good exercise. And you can absolutely factor someone’s interest in having kids into your dating preferences. And like Summer has said, you can also make choices regarding partners that are influenced by your life goals — you’re just going to have to walk a line between being normal about it and being too intense. And as with any dating situation, you just want to make sure you’re being careful with others feelings and being honest from the start. I would definitely make this a regular talking point with a therapist, and I would also open up to trusted friends about your journey. There are so many emotions wrapped up in the prospect of having kids, that in addition to being careful with people who you’re dating, you also need to look out for yourself. Good luck!
How Do I Signal On Dating Apps That I’m Looking For a Co-Parent?
Q:
How do I signal on dating apps that I’m looking for a co-parent with the understanding that it probably takes time to properly get to know someone to figure out if we’d make good co-parents? I recently joined dating apps explicitly for the purpose of wanting to start a family but not wanting to do it on my own. I know I can put that I want kids in my profile, but it feels like more than that. I’m looking FOR a co-parent; having kids isn’t just some nebulous future goal. But I also think that could come off as overly forward or intense. Has anyone had luck using dating apps for this purpose?
A:
Summer: App dating with serious, forward intentions can be pretty hit-or-miss. The upside is that if you angle your profile with intentions clearly and openly, you’ll immediately cut through people who aren’t as serious. Basically, anyone who was looking to play the dating ‘game’ or looking for something more casual should simply swipe no, or not make it past the first bit of small-talk. The downside is that it drastically cuts down your dating pool.
In your position, yes, definitely use every function in your profile that lets you showcase your intentions and interests. Things like wanting children, past education, personal info, interests, everything. A comprehensive dating profile is your first impression and signals that you take even basic things like social media reasonably seriously. Beyond that, your bio should at least note that you’re looking for something long-term and committed. That, combined with an indicator of wanting children should signal your life plans. You can write in your bio that you’re dating with the intention of co-parenting, but that might scare off a lot of people because it will be viewed as serious. I’m not sure if bios have enough characters to iterate that you are intending to co-parent, but are ready to go through the effort of knowing a person and establishing compatibility.
Valerie: I won’t lie, I had to read through your question twice to realize by “co-parent” you didn’t mean that you already had children. What you’re describing is just parenting. Wanting a partner who will be a good parent with you is implied in stating you want children together. I know that’s not always how it shakes out, but it should always be the intention when having kids with someone. I think there are ways to talk about that in your dating profile, or in early conversations, that make your intentions clear without sounding too intense. Saying you’re looking to build a family with someone, that you’re looking for a partner in life and in parenting, etc. I even like the way you phrased it in your question; you want to/are ready to start a family but you don’t want to do it alone. I think as long as you’re clear about that, looking for qualities in someone you think would make them a good parent is something you can do alongside looking for qualities that would make them a good partner.
Nico: There are other people out there who also want to start a family, have kids, be parents together — and if that’s your focus, not only is it important to put that front and center so you can find the right person to do that with, it also helps people who aren’t going to be a good fit to self-select out. I do think that keeping in mind that you want to communicate that you aren’t looking to IMMEDIATELY co-parent is important. I think you could say that you’re “looking for a partner who I can eventually start a family with,” or something along those lines might be helpful phrasing.
Kayla: Just want to chime in here to say I have multiple friends (all queer, some trans) who are on dating apps looking for someone to start a family with. It’s definitely not weird or too forward or anything like that. If you want to be even more specific in your dating profile about things like your parenting philosophy, how many children you want to have, whether you want to be the gestational parent or not, if you’re interested in adopting, etc., then this could be another way to find someone who is well aligned but also just to reiterate how serious you are about wanting to start a family with someone ASAP.
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Speaking as a parent, it’s super important that a relationship is solid before having children. Parenting is really hard sometimes and the associated stress can challenge a relationship. I understand the strong, natural desire to want children, but don’t go into parenting with someone who isn’t otherwise right do you, just because they share your dream.