Q:

So I (20F) have been identifying as bi since I was 18, but I’m really confused about attraction and the types and what it means for my sexuality. Here are the things I’ve heard that confuse me, especially when put together:

–A woman can have sexual fantasies about women without being gay/bi (from psychology websites about the meaning of fantasies)
–Thinking a woman is pretty is aesthetic attraction, and does not mean that you are gay/bi (frequently in online queer discourse)

So what tf actually makes you gay/bi?!

I think that being in a relationship with a woman sounds amazing, and I really want to date a woman, hold hands with a woman, kiss a woman, marry a woman etc, and I could see myself doing the same thing with guys too. I really crave a romantic relationship, especially with a woman. Does that make me bi? What if I just want it because I want to belong in the queer community? I think I want it because I really do want to date a woman, but what if its just wanting to belong?

Here’s the big issue- I don’t have a specific woman I want these things with. According to definitions of aesthetic attraction, all of the things I thought were crushes might be aesthetic attraction instead. I feel an “ooh” or a “whoa” feeling, but I don’t necessarily want to have sex with that specific person yet. If aesthetic attraction doesn’t mean you’re queer/into them and romantic attraction needs to know and fall in love with the person, how does anyone find a date, especially on a dating app? Does everybody want to have sex with the people they ask out (sexual attraction)? Do people just go off the aesthetic and see if the romantic clicks?

The girl I thought was my bi awakening- I thought I was bi because I thought she was really pretty and I got nervous around her, I was scared to talk to her but I also really wanted her to notice me, and I wished I was brave enough to do something about it (our proximity ended before I could work up the courage to do more than compliment her headband, and in retrospect I don’t actually know if I wanted to ask her out or not or what- I was really confused about very new feelings).

But I barely spoke to her, I didn’t know anything about her, so it can’t have been romantic attraction, right? Was it just aesthetic and meaningless? Was it sexual? Was I projecting a general desire to be queer onto her, somehow? Especially since the idea that I could be bi came because I read something that said it didn’t have to be 50/50 and I was like huh, what about that girl I thought was really really beautiful and wanted to tell her she was beautiful, and then I saw her again while questioning if I had been attracted to her and I felt the things I said above? And then I started noticing women everywhere and feeling attracted to women celebrities, attraction I now think might have been just aesthetic, although maybe sometimes sexual.

And my attraction to guys is like this too- what I had been considering crushes before is pretty much “ooh he has nice eyes, maybe I should talk to him, perhaps this could go somewhere”. What does that mean? Aesthetic? Romantic? Sexual? I’m so confused.

And the one thing that made me sure I was bi, even with that romantic v aesthetic confusion, was that I have sexual fantasies about women, and that I can feel turned on looking at music videos with sexy women. I also sometimes think I’m feeling sexual attraction for fictional/sexually depicted/revealingly dressed men and women. But if you can have fantasies about women and not be bi/gay then that doesn’t help. Also since my fantasies are a bit bdsm, what if its the loss of power that I find sexy and not the woman? I’m also scared to try fantasies with men because I’m worried they will be stronger and it’ll prove I’m not bi. Also I don’t really love the idea of feeling powerless with a guy, even in a fantasy because it reminds me of my real powerlessness should a guy actually want to harm me. I’m more dominant in my fantasies about guys, when I do explore them, which is rarely.

I’m a virgin btw, if this post didn’t make that painfully obvious. I’ve never even kissed anyone. I also went to online high school and I don’t have a lot of social experience. But I don’t want to date a woman until I’m sure I won’t be the bisexual stereotype who leaves for a man and breaks a lesbian’s heart. And I don’t want to just hook up with someone to see if the sex works because I really value an emotional/romantic connection first- what I crave isn’t the sex its the romance. I want to buy a girl flowers, take her out on a date, have the storybook love but gay. But I can’t do that until I know I’m not wrong about my sexuality.

I really want to be bi. I want to end up with a woman, but do I just want that to be queer? Also if I’m not bi I’d have to come out all over again and stop displaying all of my amazing bi stuff and stop going to pride wearing my bi colors and that makes me really sad.

A:

I always know it’s going to be a fun one when the initial letter I’m working with is about the length of my response to it.

Hi OP. Firstly, I’d like to formally welcome you to the disreputable club that we all inhabit: the Gays. If you want a different induction, then I can diagnose you with Gay. You don’t get a sick note, but you can start telling people you have it.

Now that I’ve handled the conclusion, I’ll show my working.

I can’t address all of your points like I normally would because there are just so many. I think that the amount of thought you’ve put into the topic and how many insightful angles you’re taking are evidence that you’re queer-leaning. A fully heterosexual person wouldn’t have this many questions. As I was told when I began heavily questioning my assigned gender, cis people don’t think this hard about this stuff. They exist without having to care about it.

Aesthetic attraction and fantasy

While I do believe that it’s possible to be attracted to someone’s pleasing appearance without your sexual orientation being affected, human attraction doesn’t conform to literary definitions. Attraction is infamously fickle and inconsistent. There are women who only make out with other women after a few drinks. There are men who have sex with men and maintain their heterosexual self-identification because they’re the penetrating partner.

If you only had occasional daydreams or thought other women were hot and left it there, I might call it an experimental thread. Something for you to tug on or leave as you wish. But it’s not just that. That whole list of things you want with a woman: dating, holding hands, kissing, marriage? That is categorically un-heterosexual. Equally telling is that your interest in those experiences is shared with men. It doesn’t have to be to the same intensity but uh, willing to consider marriage with a gender is usually considered an attraction to that gender.

Fantasies and aesthetic attraction are a point of first contact for your brain that nudges you to action. For most allosexuals (those who experience significant sexual attraction), it’s an aesthetic attraction, fantasy formation, or some other invisible ‘pull’. People can also be drawn to other aspects they see in someone. Sapiosexuals are drawn to mental stimulation and perceived intelligence. Gynosexuality describes an attraction to feminine expression irrespective of other characteristics like gender identity or anatomy. What gynosexual, sapiosexual, and ooh-they’re-hot attraction all have in common is that they’re the primary criterion that causes initial attraction. None of them are better or worse. They catch our interest and may be necessary to keep our interest.

I can’t peer into your brain to know how your romantic fantasies and attraction pair with the way attraction forms. What you’ve described just sounds… ordinary. Being into people you find attractive and daydreaming about them is just completely fine. I just think it means you’re attracted to those people. And if you can find the specific characteristics that tie all of your attractions together, it’ll make it easier to label yourself. Speaking of which…

Label panic

You’re far from the first person to ask us about your labels and self-identification. Since people are presumed cisgender and heterosexual until they change course, almost every queer person has had to contend with their self-identification. Given the diversity of queer experience and our individually colourful responses to introspection… yeah. Everyone reacts differently to the prospect of changing labels. Most people are nervous about getting it ‘right’. Some people just throw their hands in the air and say gay. Some people make lists and interview their friends about it. I love labels and definitions, so I went through all of the variants I just listed. There are countless others.

But the thing about self-identification is that it’s only worth doing if it benefits you. Otherwise it’s stress.

If the re-labelling endeavor destabilizes you while providing zero answers, there’s nothing wrong with not having a clear label for a while. Unless that is more stressful than just going through the re-labelling. I empathize with that.

The differences and interlinks between sex and gender also complicate the process. As an example, once I began thinking that I might be trans, I developed certainty in it very quickly. It took me weeks to be dead set on that idea that I’m transgender and I have not deviated once. Other trans people question their trans-ness and whether they’re a good fit for it for their whole lives. People can question their trans-ness while being the most trans bitch ever.

But where I don’t have certainty is sexuality. I was assigned heterosexual (and male [ew.]) at birth. That was congruent with my life until I transitioned and since the English sexuality labels are tied to the speaker’s gender, I had to change my sexuality label to lesbian/sapphic, because I changed my gender label and that had a domino effect. This happened even though the way I experience attraction to women didn’t change one bit.

But I experimented with men when I still lived as a man? But I was exclusively the receiving partner in sex with men. So like you, there’s a gender dynamic at play that opens more questions. Post-transition, I love women and everything about us. I’m also sexually attracted to men. I’d just never form a committed relationship with one. I use the bisexual label because I’m sexually attracted to two+ genders, but I tack on a little homoromantic label to signal that I’m only interested in forming committed relationships with women.

But I also like hot queer people of various kinds? In various contexts? And how do I reconcile all of this with the fact that in bed, I’m exclusively submissive to men, switchy with women, and everyone else is just vibes based? How do I handle any of this?

Easy.

Life got much easier when I learned I could keep a bunch of labels/self-identities in my pocket and swap them out as necessary.

I tell queer people I’m trans and capital-G Gay. My fellow queers know what it’s like to eventually just throw your hands in the air and call yourself gay so you can move on with life.

When I’m interviewing for a job, they get my name and face. They can figure the rest out themselves.

The people I encounter in my daily life who I presume are cis-het? They get the name and appearance. If it’s relevant, I might call myself bi. I’m known as an ardent lesbian among close friends and not interested to any man who tries to talk to me.

My dating profiles make it clear that I’m trans, and if I swiped on you or messaged, I’m into you.

Honourable mentions for sapphic and bisexual-homoromantic. Reserved only for people who know what they mean.

Is that a lot of labels for one person? Yeah. Aren’t some of them a little contradictory? Also yeah. But I’m a hot, traditionally feminine woman with erectile dysfunction. If I can live my labels but they’re contradictory, that just sounds like my existence exposes the shortcomings of the language we use to label ourselves. I’m too cool to be consistent. Consistency is for porridge.

Coda

I think I’ve covered the essentials. I can contribute a few things that’ll help or ease your process. That stuff about only labelling if it’s important and beneficial to you. And how attraction is just as much a marker of, well, attraction as it can exist independently of intense interest. Here are a few other remarks from my reading of your words.

• It’s completely fine to have gender and power dynamics in your sexual fantasies and how you experience attraction. Very, very few people can truly treat everyone ‘equally’. It’s far more useful to recognise where your differences and inequalities are and work with them.
• You’re still new to this exploration and there’s a lifetime of chances ahead to rework your expectations. Given time, you may find that some of these questions become trivial or irrelevant while new ones show up. What matters is that you pursue your needs with care for yourself and others.
• It’s very, very, very gay to want a ‘storybook’ romance with women. And if you also have that feeling toward men too, you’re at least bi.
• It’s also very gay to worry about breaking a hypothetical lesbian’s heart because you left her for a hypothetical man. Heterosexual people don’t worry about stuff like that because the prospect of being with a same-sex partner isn’t even on their radar.
• It’s super gay or bi (in your case) to be this attracted to women. If you were fully heterosexual, your attraction to women would be about on par with your attraction to white hair in front of a green screen. Or a desk chair. Not repulsed by the thought. Not romantically interested in it either. Just… nonexistent.

I wrote this recently for another person, but I’ll also write it for you too:

If introspection about your identity ever feels overwhelming, please remember that being ‘gay’ or ‘bisexual’ or anything isn’t some prestigious club. No club that would have me could possibly be that great. The entry requirement is basically to have a pulse and plenty of people enter through the revolving door, get one look at the room and leave.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!