If she’s this good at lying about something so inconsequential, couldn’t she be lying about other things…
Q:
My girlfriend of four months recently confessed to me that she’s been lying to me about her college experience. Basically, she’d told me she had a B.A. from a very good liberal arts school, but she just confessed to me that even though she did go to that college, she didn’t graduate, she actually dropped out during her second to last semester for mental health reasons. That’s fine, of course. What’s weird is that she’s been committed to this lie for the whole time I have known her. In ways she didn’t even need to! Like I told a funny story about my college graduation day, and she told a story about hers…..that never happened.
I’ve done a lot of reassuring her about this in the past few...
I’m going to have to disagree with Summer’s vehement takedown of lying on your CV. Your girlfriend didn’t lie about going to medical school or something that could put people in danger. She went to college, she knows how to do the skills the college teach you, she just didn’t graduate. It’s really not a big fucking deal. The lying isn’t great, but honestly, we live in an elitist world where it’s ‘bad’ to struggle with your MH to the point where you can’t achieve academically. Your gf probs has alot of shame. The lie was (I’m guessing) born from that, and she just kept running with it. If this is the only thing she’s lied about, I really wouldn’t be too worried.
I agree that both the question asker and answerer seemed to catastrophize about this lie in ways that I don’t think are very productive! Maybe couple’s counseling would be useful if accessible.
I’m a manager of people and I have to say that if I found out one of my peeps had lied about something as consequential as a university level qualification, I would have serious concerns and naturally question all other elements of their CV and possibly performance. This is a big deal regardless of field because it’s far more deep-seated than the ability to do a job well and safely. Such serious lies breach trust and call into question their work performance because you must ask, what they lied about that too? Learning their GF has lied so skilfully and only confessed when her story was unwittingly threatened by a third party is genuine cause for concern. It doesn’t have to be a deal breaker and hopefully that’s where the lies end but the problem is the air of general uncertainty created.
Eh, I think it can be field dependent but I gotta lean towards agreeing with Summer. This would be “banned from hiring forever” type deal in my field, which could be a pretty big financial hit for a lot of people. While the dishonesty is bad, I think the lie also displays a startling lack of judgment that would personally prevent me from getting any further involved. Shame sucks and isn’t productive, as shown in this letter it can lead people to do pretty stupid things. If the gf is committed to working through her shame and moving forward it might work out, but doesn’t seem like a stellar start.
I think Cleo is right. The letter writer says she is ok with her girlfriend lying on her CV so it seems excessive to portray this as ‘she’ll lose her job, get blacklisted and then you’ll both be sent to the workhouse’.
It’s a 4 month relationship, they aren’t married with 12 kids. This is the point at which you lose some of the fakery because you’re invested and you’re not just trying to get a 2nd date because you’ll feel rejected otherwise. Have a conversation with her, tell her a truth you’ve been glossing over to seem smarter/cooler/better, that’s how you make intimacy. And if it doesn’t work out then at least the time you did spend together was actually you, not the fake, polished versions of yourselves.
I wrote in with the last question and wanted to say thank you for the thoughtful response and for putting those resources together—I appreciate it! <3
thank you! i hope you find something useful in there, information on this topic is always so annoyingly practical and/or heteronormative
I don’t think Summer’s response was harsh. A friend of my sister’s – whom she’s worked at two orgs with – dropped out of HS. Then a family member photoshoped her a fake diploma and has lied on every job application since, she’s close to 40. It bothers me whenever I think about the lengths she’s gone through to continue this lie and no one has ever checked. She’s proven to be a sneaky person in other ways since I’ve known her through my sister for over 10 years. You do have to wonder where the moral compass is because one big lie usually isn’t the only one.
Alternatively…this person has managed to have (seemingly) successful jobs for decades without graduating HS. Quite impressive. She did what she needed to do…
I agree with you, Cleo. Capitalism is a fucking hellhole and she did what she had to do to not live in poverty. She seems to do it well if she’s still employed? Kudos to her for surviving.
Re LW 1: So much of this story reminds me of when I told elaborate lies as a teenager to convince people that I was straight. I didn’t just conceal my crushes on girls. I discussed fake crushes on boys at length to feel included, had pictures of Brad Pitt in my locker (ugh), made up a story about kissing a boy on summer vacation. And while they never said anything, I do think my straight friends who were fooled by this must have found a bit of a mindfuck when I came out; I had smoothly lied to them for years, even if it was a reaction to structural homophobia/heterosexism. Maybe some of them told themselves that I went overboard because they personally wouldn’t have judged me, and because homophobia/heterosexism is less visible to them. (Note that being good at lying about one’s sexuality does not necessarily mean that a person is predisposed to lying about everything in their life, and the girlfriend could be in that boat.)
Mental health is still heavily stigmatized despite increasing awareness, and it’s easy to miss social hierarchies surrounding post-secondary education if you’re not personally impacted. The LW is an Ivy league graduate and questions whether their girlfriend really has been judged for not having a B.A. Yeah, I think some people probably have, or she has overheard people who didn’t know her background disparaging college dropouts or people without degrees. Don’t assume she is not reacting to real stigma. You have not walked in her shoes. That said, it’s valid for this to be a red flag for you and you don’t need to keep dating her even if her behaviour isn’t pathological.
Could the girlfriend somehow finish her college credits? It’s clear that she is not at peace with what happened. Finding a way to get her degree could give her some closure and save her from continuing lie in various areas of her life. Ideally, even if this is not possible, she would be able to accept that she is not a lesser person because of what happened to her (easier said than done but it’s the only solution.) If this relationship doesn’t work out, she will hopefully learn that even if she isn’t ready to talk about her painful college experience with people, she would be better off dancing around that conversation instead of making up stories out of whole cloth, even this is only a stopgap measure. She is living in a kind of closet and needs to make her way out of it.