Does My Girlfriend Really Need This Much Alone Time?

Whenever I have free time, I’d love to spend it with my girlfriend. At first this was great but she’s told me recently that she wants more time to herself, and it upsets her that I seem to take it personally when she’d rather be alone in her apartment than be doing something with me, even just hanging out with me at her apartment. Is this just a thing I don’t get because I’m an extrovert or is this a sign she’s not actually into me anymore that I should be listening to?

Summer: I’m a firm believer in taking partners at face value and assuming they’re telling the truth. Most people are honest most of the time. If your girlfriend is requesting alone time and there’s nothing else dramatically awry in your relationship, I think she just wants quiet time.

Being in a relationship (especially cohabiting, if you reach that) ties people together. Everyone has a different boundary for how much contact they need, and relationships can encroach on that. Wanting space and privacy does not mean a person dislikes you. They may instead have an emotional need that no other person can fulfil. For someone extroverted, that may be unexpected, but your equivalent would be a partner wanting you to not socialize when it’s a need for you. I’d listen to her and let her have the space she needs. If this is a requirement for her, she’ll be a happier person for it.

Valerie: As an introverted person, I can assure you that sometimes we just need to be alone to recharge. I obviously can’t promise you that’s what’s happening in your situation, but I can tell you that it’s very possible that she likes you SO much that she wants to make sure you get her best self by allowing her time to reset and recharge now and then. No matter how much fun I’m having, no matter how much I love the person I’m spending time with, sometimes I just need a little time alone to recalibrate. I was the friend in college who would sometimes temporarily “go missing” because I had to step outside for some air (even on nights I was having the most fun), or who sometimes disappeared to the bathroom at a house party even when I don’t have to use it just to let my brain settle down. For me it’s almost like socializing is snorkeling; even if I have the best snorkel and am in the best ocean looking at the best sea creatures I’ve ever seen, every once in a while I need to come up for a proper full breath of air so I can keep going.

Nico: I have a friend who is exactly where your girlfriend is and who has shared their side of the dynamic with their girlfriend. My friend values time alone as well as time spent doing activities and with other people as an individual person. They view time spent out in the world with other people when with their girlfriend as a different dynamic because then they are there as a couple, though they also enjoy spending time with others with their girlfriend. Finally, they also love spending intentional time with their girlfriend. However, they’re having a series of conversations with the girlfriend because she would, like you, like to spend every spare minute with my friend and to interact with the world mostly as a unit / couple. I know you didn’t bring going out as a couple together all the time up, but I wanted to highlight it in case it does come up later. Neither of you are wrong, you just need to try to understand each other. Additionally, as someone who also needs completely solitary alone time to recharge, I feel your girlfriend’s request is perfectly legitimate. I’ve had partners deny me enough alone time, and honestly, it was so detrimental to my mental health, I didn’t understand why my partners couldn’t honor my requests. I think that honoring her requests is the best thing for her and for your relationship. Otherwise, she’s going to get burnt out.

Sa’iyda: I think you need to take what she’s saying at face value. I love love love spending time with my wife, and I always have. But I also need time by myself to just let my mind relax and not have to be “on” for her. I know it probably sounds strange to think you have to be on, even if it’s just you and your person, but that’s really what it is. I don’t want my wife to see me eating olives out of the jar or watch me play the same game on my laptop for an hour straight or see any of my Wikipedia rabbit holes. There has to be a time where I can just let my brain be soft, and I can only truly do that when I’m alone. I bet that’s how your girlfriend feels too. Maybe there are things she doesn’t want to do with you around, things she doesn’t want you to see. Those are her little secret parts of herself, and there’s no reason for you to take it personally. Also, since you’re not living together yet, maybe she just needs some time to be in her space by herself. She has a right to that without also having to check in on your feelings. Maybe you should look for things to do when she tells you she needs that time so you don’t feel abandoned.

I’m 39 and I feel like I’m just now ‘coming out’ as kinky. For context I’ve happily partnered in a queer relationship for 8 years now. Sadly my sexual interest within the relationship has suffered from monotony the last few years and my partner and I found shibari which we both enjoy.

That being said my partner still identifies as more vanilla whereas I feel like kinkiness / bdsm feels quite fundamental to my sexuality.

We’ve agreed to be open so we can both explore what we like, so I’m not super worried about the logistics.

I just don’t quite know how to feel about my own kinkiness? Is it an identity? Is it just something one does? Can it be something my partner just indulges me in?

Summer: Oh. I misread the title of your question as ‘my newfound kindness’ and I was like o-kay…

Well, kinkiness can be an identity if you want it to be. Anyone can attach themselves to anything and identify themselves by their attachment. When people think of kink as an identity, they tend to think of subcultures or states of being. Think leather-dykes, rope bunnies, high protocol submission. They’re all tied to a favorite activity, but they also say something about the person’s other interests. Anybody who does identify with a subculture will also have interests beyond it. Liking something doesn’t make it intrinsic to your personhood. But if you like something enough and want to make it part of your personhood, go for it!

I can also give brief answers to some of your other questions. Is kink just something one does? For many people, yes. For others, their interests include community, activism, and lifelong friendships that go far beyond fleeting enjoyment. Can kink be something your partner indulges you in? Yes, definitely. Kink is at its best when participants are giving and receiving exactly what they need.

Nico: I ALSO read it as “new-found kindness” for a hot second. Congrats on learning more about yourself! Self-discovery is a lifelong process. I’ll answer the identity question first: it’s whatever you want it to be. Some people deeply identify as kinky and are super involved in their kink communities, and other people just keep kink to the bedroom. Since you’re just dipping your toes into kink, maybe it would benefit you to go to some events and workshops, meet new people with similar interests, and learn new skills safely.

As for what you do with your partner or what they “indulge” you in, that’s an ongoing negotiation. It sounds like you two have a solid relationship with good communication, so just stay mindful of talking things through. The same goes for any other partners with whom you engage in kink. Wishing you tons of luck and hope you enjoy this journey!