Help I Need Bush Confidence

how can i feel more confident about dating despite my skin problems in my pubic area? i feel like i keep avoiding and turning down sex because i am embarrassed by everything happening on my “bikini line” (i don’t shave the lips or anything) namely that i often have an active ingrown hair, or razor burn or rash or a cyst. I have super super super sensitive skin and I ride my bike everywhere and am a sweaty person so it just happens. i don’t need recommendations for hair removal alternatives or admonishments to stop shaving — just help on not looking down there and thinking, “who would want to hang out there”?? i have cancelled dates on account of an ingrown or avoided letting someone come home with me.

i think i have someeee trauma from an ex-boyfriend who was super grossed out by a bad ingrown (this was in college) and made me go get checked for STDs because he didn’t believe me it was just from shaving. i want to believe that women aren’t the same as my ex-boyfriend. my only serious girlfriend was long-distance and pretty unbothered about it, but like, we were in love.

how do i get over this and have sex without becoming preoccupied by my skin?

Summer: Pubic ingrown hairs are ridiculously common, especially when shaving/waxing are involved. You’re right in that it’s just going to happen to you owing to shaving and external factors. My first thought for dealing with it in relation to sex is that I’m pretty sure women – especially queer women – are generally less concerned with pubic grooming. WLW tend to be feminists or at least socialize in feminist spaces and should foundationally understand that mainstream beauty standards are problematic, and bodies are just bodies. By default, I’d expect more body positivity and appreciation if you’re dating women and I’d be surprised if they reacted as badly as that ex if you mention that you might have some ingrowns.

If you feel strongly about it (as I do when I have ingrowns or pimples down there), you can tell partners that you might have some ingrowns down there when sex starts approaching your waistline. I’ve learned to not make it a negative remark (such as by apologizing or inserting a negative comment about my skin). It should at least be value neutral and a statement of fact. I normally say “Don’t be surprised if you find an ingrown or two down there”. This kind of thing can settle your anxieties by addressing it, but it won’t make it a negative impression overall. If your partner is with you, they should be cool with it.

Valerie: I like Summer’s advice of just being open about it. I’m sure you’ll run into people who are turned off by it, but then it just means that person isn’t for you, and MOST people aren’t going to make a big deal of it in the moment, even if it’s their reason to not want to hook up again. Plenty of people truly won’t care; bodies are weird and we all have things we’re insecure about. Your ex overreacted by a lot, and I understand being hesitant about things after that, but I promise most people – EVEN people who are put off by it – wouldn’t jump right to accusing you of lying or having an STD. You can give people a head’s up about anything going on, and even mention you’re insecure about it and tell them if you want to do things that don’t involve them “hanging out” down there for a bit until you’re more comfortable with them. But you just have to trust that the person you’re hooking up with can make those decisions for themselves and that 99% of them won’t have a reaction like your ex’s.

Nico: My colleagues are totally right about talking to partners about ingrowns, just taking the plunge, and trusting that people all understand what it’s like to have a body. But I also wanted to offer some options that are out there for preventing or treating them — because ingrown hairs can be super uncomfortable and you do deserve comfort! Chafing / friction are annoying when exercising and especially running, so I do sometimes use products like Body Glide, especially in the summer, just to prevent chafing. I don’t know if it will help with the ingrowns or other skin issues themselves, but it may help with the friction. However, folks on reddit recommend an SA cream and say moisturizing with one does help ingrowns a lot. You can also try exfoliating (gently) with an exfoliation tool like a glove or a gentle scrub when you shower to remove skin buildup so long as you don’t have a cyst or open wound or rash at the time. I hope that doesn’t count as suggesting alternatives for hair removal – more like ways to deal with dead skin buildup, bumps, and friction.

That said, there is also the matter of ingrown hairs and pimples looking distinct from STI breakouts. There’s a helpful comparison after this link that shows the difference between pimples and a herpes breakout and another one that explains the difference between pimples and genital warts from HPV. [A warning for sensitive visual content if you do not want to see depictions of either.] It doesn’t hurt to educate yourself about STI’s and STI prevention, as well as the stigma around STI’s like herpes, which are very manageable these days with antiviral medications. Point being, your ingrown hairs probably do not look like STI breakouts, and maybe arming yourself with that knowledge will help you feel like you can calmly talk with any partners if they do get nervous. Your ex-boyfriend sounds to me like he had some unrealistic expectations about the ways real, not airbrushed, bodies look. I’m sorry that’s affected you for so long, but I do think a good way to move past that is to let other people show you that they find you attractive and desirable and sexy.

i’m having a really hard time setting boundaries in sexual situations with women and saying no. this was not true when i was sleeping with men, i had no trouble saying no, i don’t want to do this, or please stop. (and most of the time they listened to me, lol) but i have been sleeping with women for about 2 years, not looking for a relationship right now just exploring different things. i think i’m afraid that saying no, i’d rather just end the night here and not have sex, i’ll hurt their feelings or their self-esteem. especially because sometimes the reason i don’t want to have sex is because i’m not attracted to them enough to be turned on, or something about the hookup just isn’t working for me. sometimes in these situations, i would rather just service top them, but i find it’s hard to get them to not want to do stuff to me, and then i end up consenting to something i don’t really want to do. what are some ways i can work on feeling ok about saying no and setting better sexual boundaries?

Summer: The gender dynamic here is really interesting because there’s a social perception that men are worse than women about sexual consent. I wonder if it has to do with some kind of socialization or lifelong ‘training’ to be firmer and more direct with men, so you find it easier dealing with men. I won’t digress further.

My input here is that saying no during sex when you don’t feel ready is a service to you and your partners. If you feel like it’s a disservice or disappointment to your partners to decline sex, you might be coming from a more transactional model of sex that’s give-take. That thinking is pushed onto women (especially those who have sex with men), and imposes guilt/shame for not performing adequately. Sex should be a mutual engagement between people who care for each other. If you cared for someone, would you want them to push past their sexual boundaries to please you? And in doing so, give themselves second thoughts or bad feelings about sex that they’re probably not even enjoying? I wouldn’t want my partner to do that or feel that way, which means ending sex or turning it down a notch is the right call for everyone.

Valerie: As hard as it is, I think you have to let go of that fear of hurting their feelings. I think you have to be honest about what you want, and let them deal with how they feel about that on their own and with their people. Obviously you would want to let them down gently and not be like “I’m not attracted to you” but you can start with a “let’s take things slow” and then break things off if you still don’t feel the spark. How someone else feels about you politely rejecting them is not your responsibility. You have a social obligation to do as little harm as possible, but that includes to yourself. I personally would rather be rejected up top because there wasn’t an initial attraction then find out later you were trying to force the feeling and weren’t really into it, or worse, let me cross a boundary in an attempt to spare my feelings. I think cutting it off at the pass is actually the best way to prevent harm, to them AND to yourself.

Nico: Summer kind of mentioned this in terms of “saying no” being a service to your partners, but I will just outright say that if I found out someone had sex with me when they didn’t really want to because they didn’t want to hurt my feelings, I would feel far worse than if they had just declined in the first place. It’s better for you both to decline. Let yourself be picky! It’ll lead you toward people you’re more compatible with because you won’t be spending energy with people who you aren’t attracted to. I also do have to emphasize that no means no, even in queer/sapphic relationships or hookups, and if you find your no’s are not respected, it is okay to be firm, to stand up and stop the interaction, to do what seems right in the moment to make it clear that you were serious about that limit. Good luck!