Most of us are lucky to be considered physically attractive for even one night of our lives on this wretched earth — but then some others of us, like my coworker and friend Reed Motti, have been blessed with something far more complicated and powerful…. a conventional hotness that seemingly transcends multiple genders and sexualities. Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be objectively hot, no matter how dramatically you physically alter your appearance? Does being hot all the time make you feel happy, similar to how I imagine it feels to have a lot of money? Well, not so fast!
Riese: ok first of all i just want to commend you on your bravery. not everybody would consent to an interview on the topic of being conventionally attractive through eight (8) different gender and sexuality combinations
Motti: it’s bravery and confidence that comes from being very hot
Riese: that’s what i figured. i was going to ask you that but now i don’t have to, thank you. so i have had a chance to peruse your photographs. i am wondering regarding the first photograph — was this some kind of formal photo day for an elite society?
Motti: this was either junior or senior year photo day at my high schooI. I loved that Tiffany’s pearl heart necklace so much.
Riese: did your boyfriend give it to you
Motti: actually no I think my parents did
Riese: romantic
Motti: I never got good gifts from my HS boyfriends
Riese: is that why you became bi-curious?
Motti: that and girls kept asking me to make out drunk at parties
it would happen so frequently that one day I was just like sure
Riese: did you carry a bottle of pink wine around to make it clear that you were available for experimentation?
Motti: nice try but no. I would start with four lokos and graduate to bud lites in high school
Riese: nice
Motti: I didn’t do anything intentional to make it clear I was avail for experimentation except be hot and say yes when asked to make out
Riese: The Bi-curious Ideal
Motti: more people told me I was bi than the other way around
Riese: strategic for them i imagine
so, many people when they transition into she/her lesbian begin experimenting with different physical appearances. it appears you stuck more or less with what was already working for you as a she/her bi-curious, although you look a bit happier.
Riese: was that strategic? did you worry that any major physical transformations might dampen the hotness you’d established?
Motti: I had seen what options were out there for me to physically and stylistically communicate that I was a lesbian and chose to pass on them. I instead sought out those choices in the lesbians I pursued to date/hook up. The hotness I had was really, really working for me lesbianly so I didn’t mess with it
eventually I did make the Big Chop and more or less got dumped for it and regretted it immediately.
riese: Oh no. Did you at that point have to question if your years of hotness had run out, or no longer applied to this new context? Or did you know that the person who dumped you was incorrect in their lack of appreciation for it
Or had you already seen The L Word and thought “what’s working for Shane will also work for me”
Motti: honestly, yes. she was totally right and not only did I lose my physical hotness but it was the first time I had to look inward on my personality and attachment style.
I had already watched the L Word probably twice by that point and can confidently say, despite how hot I was, I never had what Shane had.
Riese: Was your personality not as good as Shane’s
Motti: I had Shane’s kindness but with 500x more anxiety
Riese: Slay
Motti: so that made it bad
Riese: So at this point in life you felt hotness slipping between your fingers, is what you are saying? (Although photographs suggest the “she/her questioning gender” ideal was in fact being maintained)
Were you able to shift who you dated in a direction that eventually affirmed you were still hot?
Motti: i definitely felt it slipping through my fingers. This was also literally the time of the first shut down, so I stopped meeting women organically out and about and at bars (which is where I was doing all my lesbianing, at bars and clubs in grad school). So the physical absence of people didn’t help. And then yeah, I joined TikTok and that shifted completely because then people on the internet thought I was hot because it was hot to have short hair and the willingness to thirst trap online in 2020
Riese: Totally
How was your anxiety at that point would you say
Motti: so bad that I was posting how-to-manage-anxiety TikToks while not managing my own anxiety
Riese: hot
Motti: to many it was, yes
I got a girlfriend from that
a bad one, but still
Riese: well, as they say, a good woman is hard to find
as you shifted into the they/them space, it appears you chose a bit of a low-key mullet with the sides shaved. would you agree with that assessment of your hairstyle?
Motti: yes. I would do my hair myself
Riese: very avant-garde
Motti: dye and cut jobs at home
Riese: a true renaissance man
Motti: my girlfriend still refers to that haircut (has screenshots) because she wants me to have it again
Riese: does she want you to have the dark haired version, or the blonde version
Motti: she likes the blonde because I was blonde when we met but I think the preference is more about length than color
Riese: also in your description of the photos you shred with me, you listed “they/them nonbinary” and “they/them nonbinary but blonde” as different gender/sexualities. which one do you think was more conventionally attractive according to the standards of they/them hotness?
Motti: they/them nonbinary but blonde
Riese: do blondes have more fun, or were you still mostly just anxious
Motti: I was at peak level anxiousness throughout that whole time, no matter the hair color
but people liked the blonde most
Riese: So being conventionally attractive doesn’t calm anxiety?
Motti: I actually think in some cases it worsened it
Riese: Hm. So hot people have feelings too… tell me more
Motti: because I was conventionally attractive and also white/able bodied/thin, I was able to have a platform online. Because I had a platform online, I had a pressure to post and also got dopamine hits from going viral or having “fans”. The more I put my face and thoughts online the more chances I had to mess up and the more chances I had to mess up, the more I did. I only ever really had one fuck up as an “influencer” but there were other things like being recognized in public when I was already anxious about something and not wanting to be seen in that state or girls would touch me without my consent at the lesbian bar or take my photo
a constant feedback loop, if you will
Riese: did that ever make you want to run away and hide from the whole world
Motti: yes absolutely
Riese: did any of these feelings of being excessively perceived impact how you were like… moving through your understanding of your gender and sexuality at that time?
Motti: Also yes 100%. I had people telling me I was trans before I used the label or felt comfortable calling myself that. That was mostly from queer and trans people. Then the flip side I had people misgendering me all the time. So two different camps of people telling me who I was, in conflict with each other, and I had no idea what was going on at the time.
Riese: I’m sorry that genuinely sounds really confusing and stressful!
Motti: it was!
Riese: Were you ever able to feel truly alone with yourself enough to sort through how you genuinely felt about your gender, separate from all the feedback? Or did you get there some other way
Motti: hmm good question
I think so. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t let others’ perception of me inform it at least a little bit.
Motti: in a way it made it easier when people said shit like “your smile now looks so much more genuine!” or “I can tell in your eyes there’s a darkness gone” or some shit, in reference to me after coming out as trans. Even though I don’t really see/notice those things
it’d happen enough where I’m like okay sure!
Riese: Do you feel like there’s a darkness gone?
I feel like there’s often a perception that anybody with any mental health struggles can be cured by coming out and like, realizing or being “who they really are,” which i don’t think is actually the case. For some people, sure, but not everybody. You’re still you
still hot
Motti: I never felt a darkness being “cis” outside of just being a really depressed and anxious person and don’t feel as though that was connected to my gender!
it was other stuff I needed to work through. but yeah, being out and being in my “true self” definitely has me in a better mental state
and hot
Riese: did you worry you’d become less hot as a man or did you know by that point that you’d probably stay hot just in a different way
Motti: I had the worry, yes
but the desire to transition medically overtook the desire to be hot
i think…
if I got really ugly i might have stopped if i’m being honest but idk
Riese: were you like, pleasantly surprised
Motti: honestly yeah haha
Riese: hahahaha
Motti: my brother is attractive so i had faith
Riese: oh, nice
yeah attractive men can be hard to find but they’re out there i think
Motti: they definitely are
Riese: how does being a conventionally hot man compare to being perceived as a conventionally hot woman
Motti: it’s hard because I also transitioned at the same time as entering a long term monogamous relationship and also withdraw hugely from my online presence
but overall yeah I’m like I haven’t been hit on in years
digitally or IRL
and lesbians pay less attention to me which is heartbreaking
Riese: does it help that me and kayla pay attention to you every day (in a professional way as your colleagues)
Motti: well it makes me really happy and boosts my ego that you think I am attractive
and maybe I guess Kayla does too
especially because you see me in some really interesting states of being
Riese: anxious states of being!
also do you have advice for anyone out there experiencing any of the phases you’ve been through in life who is struggling with 500x more anxiety than shane
Motti: my advice would be to enjoy each phase for what it serves you rather than mourning the previous or being too eager for the next
it’s really lucky to go through different phases and experience life differently
Riese: i think that’s a great way to look at it
Comments
You should do a trans-feminine version of this.
(I mean, there’s got to be one of us out there who stayed as consistently hot as Motti)
Lobster: Too buttery
Steak: Too juicy