I Don’t Like Where My Girlfriend Spends Her Money

My gorgeous partner is in a lot of credit card and student loan debt, and as we plan for our future I’m trying to help her with her budgeting, and setting up a budget for her so she can start to pay off some of her debt before we take our next steps (marriage, home, family etc.). But she is being very resistant to cutting out some of the shall we say, cosmetic items on her list, like hundreds of dollars spent on getting her hair highlighted, getting her nails done, and makeup ($20 for mascara!). She says I don’t get it because I’m masc and these things are important to her, self-care and self-esteem. She does have a very good job and makes a good salary, and she wants to be able to spend it how she pleases. I obviously cannot force her to save or spend money the way I think she should, but I think she looks beautiful without any of these things, also part of being queer is not buying into shit like that isn’t it? She says I’m being controlling and disrespectful. She won’t stop doing these things but says our conversations about it have made her feel like she should be ashamed or secretive about doing them. Help me out here, am I out of line to challenge her on this?

Valerie: Imagine if the situation was reversed. Imagine if your partner told you that you would look beautiful with makeup and acrylic nails and hair extensions that you don’t currently wear. Even if it were true, that you would look beautiful, you probably wouldn’t feel comfortable or like yourself. It’s the same for her, and nagging her about her spending on things you don’t personally understand is straight husband behavior and not supportive queer partner behavior. Being queer isn’t about NOT being into makeup, it’s about letting people wear as little or as much makeup as they want to express themselves and feel comfortable in their own skin. If she does want to start saving and spending less, there are other ways to do it that won’t take away aspects of her self-care routines. You can plan grocery shopping dates and make hunting for sales a game, you can pick a certain number of days to cook vs ordering out or going to restaurants, start making coffee at home, you can set yearly budgets for things like concerts or movies or events. You can both go through some of your old clothes or books and sell them at second-hand marketplaces if that’s something she’s interested in, or decide together on a specific amount of money you’ll each tuck into a savings account each month. There are ways to budget and save together as a team without pointing to specific things in her life and saying “stop buying this.” Especially for things whose value you don’t understand (socially and also financially; $20 is not the most expensive mascara can be and you have to consider that it’s something she likely uses almost every day). Being too controlling about how and where she spends money can tip very quickly into financial abuse, so make sure any advice and help you’re giving her about money is directly related to what she has asked you to help with and isn’t unsolicited.

Summer: My previous girlfriend was big on makeup and skincare, albeit she budgeted well for it. It took me time to grasp that spending on those interests wasn’t merely about personal appearance. Skincare tags into health and well-being (when it works and isn’t profligate) because it can treat long-running skin issues like acne or rosacea that are physiologically irritating. Skincare can also be a medical necessity for other conditions. Makeup also has other importance. For one, it’s an art form that people often indulge in for its own enjoyment. ‘Beauty’ is also important to people because we live in a lookist society. People (especially women) are encouraged to uphold a beauty standard to receive social benefits such as respect, access to society, and various other privileges. In a society that discriminates like that, it’s completely rational to work toward its benefits.

That being said, it’s entirely possible to participate in makeup and appearance without sliding into significant credit card debt. None of this is a living necessity, and their marketing and pricing runs the gamut from entry-level basics to extreme luxury. Your girlfriend’s tastes do sound excessive if they’ve reached the point of needing budgetary redress. I mean, if your aesthetics line under the budget is enough to warrant very specific attention and you’re not working in the field (makeup artists, etc.)… it needs scrutiny.

Rather than nudging her away from interests that are important to her (which makes her feels discredited), I would advise trying to align her to more budget friendly makeup for starters. My ex and I both have an anti-consumerist drive toward cosmetics while recognising that it has medical and social value. We’re moderates, if you will. She really enjoyed the world of budget hair and makeup, and there are plenty of reasonably trustworthy social media figures who discuss, review, and espouse budget-friendly/sustainable versions of the mainstream. Consider presenting this idea to her with the framing that you understand her interest and don’t wish to see it go, but it should be monetarily sustainable. Beware that if she does go budget-friendly, there can be a spike in short-term spending to find suitable products and services. That’s also normal and expected.

Lastly, uh… $20 for mascara is very, very ordinary pricing. Some would say that’s within the ‘budget-friendly’ makeup range. Makeup isn’t cheap—it’s whether a person’s spending on it is wasteful. Is she using her makeup before its expiry and replacing as needed, or is she just piling on things she doesn’t need and discarding them? That can change a lot. From my perspective, the salon services and hair treatments are going to be more expensive than most makeup. Time will tell if tapering down those expenditures is viable.

Riese: Well to be honest I think you are simply very much in the wrong here. You’ve managed to shame your partner about her appearance (her makeup and hair, which you’ve deemed unnecessarily luxurious, and inferior to her no-makeup uncut-and-colored-hair) and about how she spends her own hard-earned money. Without knowing her full financial picture, it’s hard to say if you’re unreasonable to ask for any adjustments at all, but there’s gotta be a better way than this.

Ashni: Yeahhh, I agree with everyone else. I fundamentally view marriage as a financial contract above all else (which maybe is not very romantic but that’s my truth sorry!) and while you’re allowed to have your own boundaries about who you enter into said financial contract with, I don’t think it’s fair for you to have expectations or opinions about how she reaches the financial state necessary for you to feel comfy about entering into marriage with her. If you’re not ready to marry someone with debt, that’s your choice! And you can tell her that, but it’s up to her how she reduces her debt over time. Also, if getting her hair highlighted, her nails done, and buying makeup is important to her and her self-esteem, why begrudge her that?

Nico: I am also here to co-sign all of the above. It sounds like, in trying to imagine ways your girlfriend could reduce her debt, you’ve zeroed in on self-care and spending choices of hers that you were already judging. I agree that $20 is not that much for mascara. It’s also notable that rather than even ask her to consider maybe learning to DIY highlight her hair, that the expectation seems to be that she’ll forego having her hair look the way she likes it to look. I don’t think you’d be happy if she wanted to tell you how your hair should look and it was different than however you like it most. Also, while credit card debt is certainly scary depending on how much it is, student loan debt is a reality for many, many people — and it’s usually not a debt that gets paid off quickly or easily. Most people have to just live with it.

Now, if you don’t want to marry someone with debt, as my colleagues have said, that is up to you. You can’t force her to make different decisions. Her choices are hers to make. Her choices are not necessarily wrong, or choices she is not allowed to make just because you disagree with them and they would not be the choices you see yourself making in the same scenario. Autonomy and respecting others’ autonomy means that other people can make choices we consider to be not the best for them. She has that right, and also, I’m not sure that there’s anything that inadvisable about how she’s living. You mention she makes good money, and I’m pretty sure she’s probably a whole entire adult who can take care of herself. However, I’m a bit concerned by the fact that you both said she has said you’re being “controlling” and that you talked about setting up a budget “for her.” Does she want you to do this? Does she want to budget? Does she want your help with budgeting? I can’t know the answer to any of these questions based on the information you’ve given, but if she does not want your help budgeting, then I think you should drop it. If you only want to marry someone who will stick to a budget with you, that’s your prerogative. And while I do think it’s reasonable and a best practice to be open about finances before and in a marriage, you also can’t expect to overhaul the way your partner is just because you imagine marrying them in the future. That generally does not work out.

My housemates hate me. I had never met them before I moved in, because we all have separate leases. They are very neat and value it highly. I try my best to keep up with them, but it seems like I can’t live up to their standards. They talk down to me, insult me, and have been threatening to try to get me evicted because of my “filthy” habits.

I’ve tried my best to honestly observe my habits, and I genuinely think I am typical when it comes to cleanliness. I am also doing my best to be more on top of cleaning than is my nature. I’ve tried having conversations with them about it. They go nowhere good.

I’ve offered to create a chore chart together, but they both dismissed the idea as ridiculous without even considering it. I’ve tried to avoid using our shared spaces entirely, but found that unsustainable.

I’ve lived with other people before, but it’s never been like this– and these ones also have their annoying housemate habits. Maybe I am as disgusting as they say. Still, it’s really hard to live with people who speak how they do to me, who genuinely seem to want to hurt me, and who want me out so badly.

I can’t afford to move out. What am I supposed to do?

Summer: I don’t like using the term ‘bullying’ because it tends to minimize behavior that is often just harassment or violence. But man, your housemates are bullies. If you’re genuinely giving your best, I can’t see any person still being so slovenly that those around them can’t just live with the small issues. Very few people generate so much waste that putting in a reasonable amount of effort can’t address it.

I see their behavior as irrational, cruel, and senseless. I just don’t see why someone would treat a housemate like this without proverbial beef or misery. The fact that rebuffed your attempts to work as a team (coordinated chore chart) only reinforces my opinion that their mistreatment of you comes from somewhere else. I’m confident that this isn’t about your cleanliness or living habits. If it’s reached the point where you start to internalize an idea that you might be disgusting, it’s gone way too far. Even if you do have areas of improvement (note: not personal shortcomings) regarding lifestyle and cleanliness, this isn’t a valid way to address it. You’re not in the wrong here.

I’m normally very solutions-oriented. When I was reading your submission, my main thought was ‘you gotta GTFO’. Then I got to your last sentence and that’s frankly heartbreaking to see. I don’t think your housemates can be reasoned with, because you’ve tried. I don’t think more improvement on your part is necessary because you’ve done it and they are still mistreating you. Nobody should be expected to change for the better at the behest of those who mistreat them. That’s abusive family/relationship dynamics 101. All I can do is suggest that you treat it as an abusive homemate dynamic. Abusive housemates aren’t well-discussed, but they do exist. Treat it as a situation of emotional abuse, then find the support in your friends you can. Seek out reddit communities or commiserate with friends for what this is: interpersonal abuse. You’ll know the next steps from there, but this isn’t your failure. This is an injustice.

Valerie: I agree with Summer, it sounds to me like they’re trying to bully you into leaving for one way or another. And moving out isn’t an option, you have to try to have another conversation with them (maybe even via email if that’s an option so you can get your thoughts out without them interrupting you.) Ask them for a literal tangible written down list of things you have been doing that they consider “filthy” so you can try to change them. If they give you a list, you can decide then if you think these are things you can actually work on or if they’re being unreasonable. If they won’t give you a list, you have to ask them to stop complaining about things they can’t explain. Maybe start taking photos of shared spaces after you’ve cleaned up after yourself, so next time they complain you can show them a picture and ask them to point out what you missed (since I expect it’s nothing and they will have to shut up.) It sounds like you’ve offered solutions and they don’t seem actually willing to work with you to make your living situation better, so it might not be a real problem, but them just being assholes because they don’t like you for some reason that probably actually has nothing to do with you. Unfortunately I have had my share of bad roommates, and the best advice I can offer, if the conversations never truly amount to anything, is to just do your best to avoid them. Try to figure out their schedule and make yours a little off so you’re not in the kitchen at the same time. Use headphones when you’re in shared spaces to try to signal that you don’t want to talk to them and don’t want them to talk to you. If they won’t work with you, you just have to ignore them and try to not let them get to you. Until either you can move out, or until they do.

Nico: The reality of the situation is that you all have separate leases and you have as much a right to the space as they do. You actually have several options. You can do your best to avoid them, you can call them out, or you can honestly just be aggressive back at them. My colleagues have great advice for keeping yourself sequestered and safer.

BUT, you don’t deserve to be spoken to that way, so maybe consider no longer being nice. You don’t have to stoop to calling them “filthy” but if they point out things they don’t like about you, find a moment where each of them seem to be enjoying their peace and then feel free to offhandedly mention something to them about whatever their annoying habits are. This sounds toxic, but to be honest, you don’t have to take it, and if they’re trying to get you to move out, you can also try for the same. You are not obligated to extend kindness or empathy or peace to someone who is not giving that to you. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here where you are being earnest and socially aware when you say you have a “normal” level of cleanliness and you are not in any way to your knowledge contributing to the negativity in this dynamic. You keep looking at and analyzing yourself and your cleaning, and I think maybe you need to give yourself a break.

“Evilist” path aside, part of ignoring them is also not giving them the emotional satisfaction or feedback that comes with riling you up.

Meanwhile, I know you can’t afford to break the lease or live without roommates, but this is a good time to start putting out serious feelers for your next situation. Either they move out at the end of the lease term and you find new roommates, you move out at the end of the term and into a space with new roommates, or things become totally unsustainable. I hope the rest of the lease isn’t long and p[lease do just hang in there!