How Much Do Lesbian Couples Need To Have In Common?

How important is it to share you core hobbies with your partner, particularly when the hobbies/activities are skill based and time intensive? I am dating someone new who is very devoted to a time intensive and mostly male dominated hobby. We’ve casually discussed me joining her in the future occasionally, but it would take me months (if not years) to get to where I feel like I’m not holding her back. We have a few shared hobbies/ways we spend our time, but for most of the ones we could do together, she is more advanced (think things like rock climbing, tennis, ice skating, etc.) I tend to be more into changing up my hobbies every few months or years and it’s new to me to date someone who is so invested and highly skilled in a couple of things I don’t do at all or do at a beginner level. It’s very attractive to me, but also I wonder if the difference in hobbies mean we will not be able to spend the quality time together that I would like if we get more serious.

I have a theory that same sex couples expect to have more shared hobbies/interests. A small minority of the female partners of the guys she shares her main hobby with also participate with the group, but for some reason I feel like I should have more overlapping hobbies with the person I’m dating. How do I know if this hobby concern is legit or if it is my somewhat anxious attachment rearing its head worrying that we need to have more in common/spend more time together in the future?

Summer: IMO, sharing hobbies only matters to me if the type of connection that hobby provides matches what I want from the relationship. Most of my entertainment is gaming on my own and that’s pretty disengaged from my partners’ lives. That’s okay as long as there’s enough space left over for shared connections. If say, exercising with a partner is important to you and helps maintain your relationship with them, then yeah it’s important.

What I’m saying is that the important thing is that lots of interest overlap isn’t mandatory. Sometimes, it can even be detrimental as your lives become too intertwined and your interests encroach on each other. But no matter where your rec time goes, you should have common ground that works for both of you to keep the relationship going. That could be as ‘basic’ as watching shows or a movie together. It doesn’t have to be involved or develop a skill, but it should be enjoyable together-time.

Sa’iyda: I think it’s good to have different hobbies from your partner! I have never heard that same-sex couples must have all of the same hobbies. Personally, I have never wanted to share every single hobby with my partner; hobbies highlight your sense of individuality! I am very into handwriting, which she doesn’t have patience for, and when she took up crochet, I tried and noped right out of it. But I can also understand wanting to have things in common, especially if you’re pressed for quality time.

I think that you have to decide if not having these hobbies in common will be detrimental to your relationship or not. Will your relationship fall apart if you don’t get to her level in Cross-Fit? She may say no, which takes some pressure off of you. Maybe you can start a new hobby together where you’re on equal footing?

Ashni: IMO shared hobbies aren’t a prerequisite for quality time! They certainly help, like if you and your partner are both avid birdwatchers, you’re probably going to wake up early to peek at the birds and you’ll inevitably get some extra hours of together time as a result. But there are plenty of ways to get quality time in a relationship together that don’t involve shared hobbies: being intentional about going on dates, maybe setting aside an evening or two weekly just for each other, going on a little adventure, or even doing parallel play (she could be working on her hobby and you could be working on one of yours!). If it’s important to you that you share a hobby because it offers you built-in quality time, then you could (to Sa’iyda’s point) find a new hobby together where you’re on the same skill level.

Riese: Mostly I just want to talk about your theory because that was one of the most surprising things to me about transitioning from dating men into dating women —this expectation of shared interests and no longer having certain times/activities designated as being just for the boys or just for the girls. Like it was a huge deal for a girlfriend to even tolerate the same sport her boyfriend liked, just a little bit. That said, I think you need some hobbies in common, for example it’s nice to have interest in doing similar things when you travel together. But having things you do separately is also a way to ensure you maintain separate, thriving inner lives, and have things you can talk to each other about that the other person doesn’t already know.

Is it completely and utterly sketchy to want to keep my “number” to myself? I had a very slutty phase in my twenties w/people of allll genders. I was also on and off meds during that time and often was doing these things while manic. It’s not like I’m ashamed of it, but I had an ex-girlfriend recoil when I told her my “number” a few years back and now I’d just rather not share it. When pressed about it on a recent date, my date was really put off by me refusing to share it, and I think that’s why she ghosted me. Like if we were going to get married, sure, but this was just a third date.

Summer: Do you have to reveal anything about your past to new people? No. We’re all allowed to keep secrets. That’s the quick answer. If someone doesn’t like it, they’re a bad fit for you anyway.

Even though you don’t feel ashamed about your ‘count’, shame can still creep in as a result of other people’s actions. If you’ve had an ex and now another date respond poorly to this fact of your life, you could end up feeling something inside. If that happens, it’s completely normal, and of no fault of your own. Having sex with people – even when your mental health is destabilized – is not inherently worthy of shame. We don’t live in a world that appreciates that, so I hope you’re willing to keep resisting and being yourself.

Valerie: I think the right person for you won’t care what your count is AND also won’t care if you don’t feel like sharing your count. Maybe there are fun ways you can put off telling people like a coy, “That’s a tenth date question” or “that’s a question for year two” etc and then change the subject. Or even something like “the number doesn’t matter but I WILL tell you the craziest place I’ve done it” or “know what I HAVEN’T done is had sex in x place” or something to that effect, so it’s not entirely changing the subject but redirecting it to something that’s just a fun exchange of stories instead. If that’s the vibe (I know sometimes talking about past relationships is frowned upon while on dates but I think if the story is fun enough it can work.)

Sa’iyda: I don’t see anything wrong with you keeping that information to yourself! If you’re only casually dating someone, they don’t need to be privy to anything you’re not willing to share. Like Valerie said, you can have a little fun with it, or you can just be honest and say, “I don’t think you need to know that information, but if that changes, I’ll let you know.” Like Summer pointed out, the more you have people react unfavorably, the more it might start to upset you. Your number is your number, for better or worse. You can’t change it, and it seems like you’ve embraced it. Even if you never tell another living soul ever, only you can make that choice. Other people, even if it’s someone you end up with long term, aren’t entitled to know every little thing about you.

Nico: This is what STI tests are for — STI status, recent test results, and history are really the only pieces of information that I believe you’re truly obligated to disclose in terms of your sexual history. Anyone who balks at another person’s number of sexual partners needs to get a life, like, truly. It’s absolutely silly and totally harmful to shame anyone for having sex or for having sex with multiple people or more people than they have! I personally never really ask about this specifically? Like, there are way more important pieces of information to get in the early stages of dating — like qualitative info about how the other person’s past relationships ended, what they’re looking for, what their dealbreakers are. I think just keep dating and don’t sweat it if things don’t work out with people who get obsessive about your “number.” My colleagues above have good suggestions for redirects if it does come up, and even more than that, if you’re game for a conversation that could be a date-ender, maybe start asking your date about their attitude toward people who’ve had a lot of sexual partners. If that takes things south, you might not really be that sad it didn’t work out.