Obviously A knows that I’m applying to med school right now because this entire episode took place in a hospital. Alternatively, A may have just heard about the Institute of Medicine recent recommendations for women’s health. Whatever. A Just really cares about healthcare reform okay? Hard to say.
We start this week as we do every week, with a poorly lit scene and creepy music. Normally this is where I would complain that I couldn’t see anything and it was too scary, but then for a hot minute I thought I was a better sleuth than the liars.
FROM HER ANGLE, EMILY CAN SEE THE REAL L WORD ON JENNA'S TV
Hannah totally wore that shirt last episode I would recognize it anywhere because it’s the one she was wearing when she sincerely asked
But then I was like, “wait, wasn’t Emily also wearing that outfit last episode?”
Oh. This is the same night. And I felt really dumb. Sorry guys, I’ve been a bit sick so I’m not on my A game today (so to speak).
Moving on, Hanna woke up the next day to find Emily reminding us that if you don’t own this sweatshirt, you’re doing it wrong.
I'VE BEEN WORKING MY BUTT OFF ON THE SWIM TEAM. ALL THIS SCISSOR KICKING IS REALLY GETTING TO ME
Mr. and Ms. Hanna’s parents make their way downstairs to where Ashley (Ms. Hanna’s mom) reminds us that no matter how cute you look in a fitted shirt dress, you probably shouldn’t be sleeping with your engaged ex-husband. Ashley, you are not Meryl Streep and this isn’t a 2009 movie that, somehow, everyone ended up watching with their friend’s mom.
 |
| $159-Nordstrom |
Apparently after witnessing all this parent awkwardness Hanna ran upstairs and threw on the first outfit she found. Which I guess was her NASCAR trophy girl costume with a little boy’s tuxedo jacket (both Bebe). Also Emily wore a leather jacket in this scene. Just sayin’.
SHAKE AND BAKE
There are actually times where a zipper up the front of a dress looks really cute. I suggest leaving the tuxedo jacket out of it.
 |
 |
 |
| $26.99-Macy’s | $39.99-Urban Oufitters | $80.99-Lord & Taylor |
In the halls, Spencer has ruined her streak of really cute dresses by wearing this bizarre pseudo-field hockey uniform. I get it– you play field hockey. You went to a PFLAG meeting and everything.
 |
| $139.99-Dear Creatures |
No lies, this dress sparked this conversation:
Lizz: Wait. I think that dress is Kimchi Blue.
Rachel: That’s impossible. I like Kimchi Blue.
Lizz: Nevermind, it’s just the boots. The boots are Kimchi Blue.
Rachel: Oh Phew. That was about to be a crisis.
So you can see how I feel about this dress.
On the other side of the school, Piper had to break up a really awkward fight between Aria’s brother and some letterman. Did anyone go to a high school where there were actually letterman jackets that people actually wore? Is this real? Also, does this seem like gay body language to anyone else or am I just imagining things because I spend all my time writing for autostraddle and watching True Blood?
BUT I'M A FOOTBALL PLAYER
Since obviously Piper can’t do anything about Mike, it’s a good thing her daughter isn’t off having Demi Moore/Patrick Swayze Ghost scene with a grown ass man.
"IT'S AMAZING MOLLY. THE LOVE INSIDE, YOU TAKE IT WITH YOU"
Aria is losing interest and Ezra is getting jealous and clingy because that’s how student/teacher relationships end always. Always. Always.
YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO GO AS THE FLINTSTONES FOR HALLOWEEN ANYMORE
Aria is wearing a pretty sweet stone necklace right now though. (Read this next line like Mugatu) Stone jewelry is so hot right now. Okay, so obviously most jewelry is stone. Big. Diamond. Stones. But right now I’m talking about shit that looks like rocks. Like, go out to your yard, grab a handful of rocks, and start hot gluing them to some earring studs. Or just buy one. I mean, whatever you want.
 |
 |
 |
| $125- Max&Chloe | $16-Nordstrom | $24-Fayanna |
BUT THEN OH MY GOD EMILY FELL TO THE GROUND AND GRABBED HER SIDE AND SCREAMED IN PAIN AND I WAS SO SCARED
IS THIS IN POOR TASTE?
And it was an ulcer? So maybe I just don’t know enough about ulcers, but my impression was that they feel like awful heartburn. Emily was acting like she was having kidney failure. What exactly happened here? They were like, “Oh, let’s have Emily’s injury be the only non-lethal, invisible internal organ related illness that we can reverse whenever we want and we can think of in the next thirty seconds.” I think that’s what it was. As a result Emily just wore a hospital gown the rest of the episode. Lame.
WREN IS LIKE HERPES. ONE EXPOSURE AND NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS HE JUST KEEPS COMING BACK RANDOMLY
Did I mention Wren is back? Yup– back and telling Emily she tested positive for human growth hormone which I’m pretty sure you can only take by injection but whatev. Wren’s “glad to tell her as a friend.” When did they even meet? Mostly this scene was just really frustrating listening to Emily incriminate herself unnecessarily. I just really want Samara to show up with that ‘mo from the fashion episode to give me something to talk about.
Aria and Spencer make sure that everyone knows that this whole hospital thing is about them/Alison/A by dressing up as candy stripers and sneaking in to the morgue to read Alison’s file. Turns out Alison was dead. On the bright side, this is a great moment for Who Wore it Better?!?!
ANSWER: SANTANA. EVERY DAY ALL DAY SANTANA.
Aria’s mom has no idea where she is, again, because she’s still really worried about Mike. Look how lesbian his haircut is. To everyone who keeps asking the fashion formspring what haircut they should get that will look queer but not scare their mom: it’s this haircut. I would alternative lifestyle the hell out of that haircut.
LISTENING TO TEGAN AND SARA
Speaking of lesbian haircuts, Caleb is being followed so Hanna decides she needs to dress like Audrey Hepburn with a movie star scarf and sunglasses. I don’t even have a joke to make here. It’s all punch-line and no set up.
This scene really reminded me (and intern Grace) of Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion. Probably because we were just talking about it.
While Spencer and Aria are finding out stuff about Alison’s death we already knew, Emily she decides to come clean about her fake scholarship to her dad (who is conveniently visiting for a few days).
EMILY'S DAD KIND OF DRESSES LIKE HER.
Before she has the chance to, Emily’s dad acts, true to form, all supportive and awesome. Kind of like my parents who are probably reading this right now. Hi mom! So instead of coming clean, Emily just cries and stuff.
KIND OF LIKE ME WHEN THE WHOLE EPISODE TAKES PLACE IN A HOSPITAL
I’m glad Santana is an option, because, honestly, neither Spencer nor Aria looked good in those striper outfits.
Now if they were wearing scrubs and a stethoscope…
“Turns out Alison was dead.” Hahahahahaha. Hannah’s pink dress reminds me of the movie Legally Blonde or Clueless or something. But it’s cool, I think everyone looks good. No one looks fake and crazy. Bye
yess. Very legally blonde.
ulcers do hurt like a mofo, but not enough to lifealert it. i have mike’s haircut, a few people told me i was moving too fast (i’m pretty sure i was walking less than 4mph so i have no idea what they mean) and then some people just rubbed on it. in conclusion, if you don’t have it/haven’t had it get this haircut at least once.
oh and yes people wore their letterman jackets, in the winter and not just around the school. in our school you had to dress up the day of your game and most people knew you were a jock because your wardrobe consisted of team spirit t-shirts. and fuckyes santana wore it better
why why why did you call it “Nordstroms” whyyyyyyyyyy THERE’S NO S.
Because I like to embarrass myself on the internet at least once per week and I say “Nodstroms” when I’m talking about it so sometimes that’s what I type.
oh man, I totally have the mike haircut and it’s a keeper.
See!!!! I’m not just making this shit up guys!
Um, my parents totally still have my letterman jacket (and it still fits). We would wear them on game days and whenever else we felt like it.
yup, letterman jackets were totally a thing at my high school (and I only graduated a few years ago). The football players and cheerleaders wore ’em errday.
This is nuts to me. My school barely even had football players and cheerleaders. Does that mean you’re whole life was like Pretty Little Liars?
DID YOU DATE EMILY?!
You just cleared my doubt. I mean, you didn’t, but you had my same doubt and you answered the same way. I’m pretty sure GH hormones can be taken only by injections beacause when I was 13 I had low levels of that and the cure had to be taken by injections. Luckily it turned out I could avoid the cure but I remember it pretty well cause I have needle phobia and I really didn’t like the idea. Ok I just realized this comment is totally unrelated, sorry!