The day before my one-act show debuted, I received a long text from an ex I hate.
It was shocking. I hadn’t spoken to him in years, and his number was no longer saved in my phone. Unfortunately, I had thought about him since our separation. A few stray thoughts. His emotional manipulation, his sexual antics, his financial instability and odious desperation had all haunted me at some point. I’d blocked him from my life in every way I knew. And yet, he’d found me — and just a day before one of the most important moments in my life. How? He was smug enough to reveal it in his text: Zelle. Zelle had guided him right back to me after nearly three years of silence.
When I read his message, which was too long and full of vile nonsense about getting back together, I remembered he’d contacted me before in a similar way. He’d sent me a single dollar on CashApp. He’d left that measly dollar in my virtual bank account for months. I did not take it. I did not react in any way. Then, suddenly, he took it back. Even the act of retraction was meant to be seen by me, to flag my attention, to serve as a reminder I was reachable.
Alarmed by his persistence, I told these stories to two trusted confidants. It turns out they’ve experienced it, too. One told me someone she was no longer interested in sent her five dollars on Paypal twenty years after they’d stopped talking. Another said someone she’d dumped sent her $300 on Venmo months later. She sent it back. People who no longer had our numbers, who no longer had our explicit consent to be in our lives, squirmed their way back in through the unseen cracks: Zelle, Venmo, CashApp, Paypal. Each one, a threat to our privacy.
On one hand, being contacted through a money exchange app could be little more than a nuisance, something to be swatted away like a buzzing fly. Maybe it’s even amusing or, dare I say, flattering. (Wow, I really put it on you, didn’t I?) On the other hand, if this is a repeated offense that fills you with dread and compels you to look over your shoulder at night, you might wonder if you’re being stalked.
And, technically, you are.
According to the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN), stalking can be defined as “a pattern of repeated and unwanted attention, harassment, contact, or any other course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear.” In the case of communication through money apps, this would fall under “[non]-consensual communication, such as repeated phone calls, emails, text messages, and unwanted gifts.” (Unwanted gifts. Like, perhaps, $300 dollars on Venmo?) RAINN does not include money exchange apps specifically as a form of communication, but it certainly counts. It’s usually an innocuous way to communicate, used by friends to split dinner, cover a movie, or finance a group trip, often coupled with a little note, an emoji or a word, a token of a fond memory. This, conveniently repurposed to find you when you do not want to be found. The very definition of non-consensual communication.
Stalking is exceedingly common. Safe Passage reports that nearly one in three women and one in six men experience stalking in their lifetimes. Most of the time, it’s someone we know. It’s considered a form of domestic violence and can be a felony offense. Given how serious and prevalent this issue is, there are legal avenues to manage it. However, states have different definitions of stalking and different legal processes to address it. In general, a restraining order is a well-known legal response, but in order to receive a permanent restraining order, you need to have a hearing in which you prove that this person poses a threat. A court may award a temporary and/or emergency restraining order in response to stalking victimization, but that does not mean you would receive a permanent one. Only about two thirds of temporary initial orders become permanent. Don’t let this number discourage you. Seek guidance and advice from the Safe Passage hotline at 413-586-5066 if you’re worried you’re being stalked.
If legal action seems too strong of a response, there’s another way: Block them! It’s second nature at this point to block someone on iMessage — now add Venmo, Paypal, CashApp, and Zelle to the mix. They have relatively identical processes for blocking another user in order to prevent unwanted payments. Whenever you do receive money from your stalker, it’s important you do not take it. It may be tempting to pocket the $300 — after all they put you through?! And with all these bills to pay! But remember: This person doesn’t know what boundaries are, otherwise they wouldn’t be contacting you in the first place. Should you really take money from someone who doesn’t understand boundaries? (Short answer: No.) RAINN advises that beyond demanding they not contact you anymore, you should not react to their messages at all. Instead, document them with screenshots. Let trusted loved ones know you’ve been contacted by someone you don’t want to hear from.
Your number may not change, but your stalker’s might, so the work of creating and maintaining distance could become a biannual exercise, like it seemingly has for me. The bright side is that I’ve grown a callous; our bleak past lost its bite two block buttons ago. Until there’s a more convenient solution than changing phone numbers, thereby uprooting my digital life due to one unhinged ex, I have my arsenal of block buttons and, luckily, a good therapist at my disposal.
