Was I Wrong To Pick Up My Ex From Jail?
Q
Hello! My ex (we broke up last year) is not doing well and recently they were arrested and called me to pick them up from jail the next morning, which of course I did. I was hanging out with my girlfriend when this happened. This is of course part of the issue, that I left her to go help my ex. I was back at my girlfriend’s place within two hours but, she was not pleased. I have no lingering feelings for this ex, and things like this is why we broke up. I couldn’t handle the chaos and knew I was succumbing to codependent behaviors that were not helping her or me.
My new girlfriend insists my ex only called me because she wanted an excuse to see me and she could’ve called someone else. I think it was because she would be embarrassed to call someone else. But the ‘why’ doesn’t much matter to me. She needed help, I helped her. She thanked me via text but otherwise we haven’t chatted since. My new girlfriend has suggested I go no-contact with the ex. I’m having a hard time with this, imagining blocking her, and her needing me or needing someone and not being there. It was a huge step for me to get out of the relationship, get into therapy, and so on. I think I’ve grown a lot, but I am not opposed to helping her out of dire situations, she is someone who once upon a time helped me out a lot, too. Am I wrong to oppose this no contact suggestion?
A:
Summer: I had an experience like yours of lesser magnitude. Former casual hookup. Late at night. Car needed jumpstarting. Back home in an hour. My girlfriend was unimpressed. I had the same mentality as you: This person and I are no longer ‘together’ or interacting much, but I want to help the people in my life.
I’m on your side of the ring when I say that you’re allowed to oppose the no-contact suggestion. You know there are no residual feelings. You want to help a person who would otherwise not have much support. You and your ex have significant history that should be acknowledged, even if much of it was terrible. However, taking someone home after an arrest is much more serious than pulling up to jumpstart someone’s car. I think it’s understandable that your girlfriend doesn’t like what she sees. This may be a manifestation of her views of your ex as a potential bad influence or primarily a harmful aspect of your life. But her perspective sounds rational to me. If you talk to her about this, just remember that she’s probably seen the aftermath and heard much about the bad times you had with your ex. She didn’t experience the good times as keenly as you, so her opinion is probably weighted.
Valerie: I agree that going no-contact doesn’t seem to be the solution here. Maybe instead you and your girlfriend can come up with boundaries to try first. The type of help you can be available for, for example. Or how often you can show up for her in those ways. Or that instead of leaving your girlfriend to help your ex in a situation like that, you take your girlfriend with you so she can see that it’s just a friend helping a friend. And communicating these things to your ex, too; for example, telling her that you can’t be there for her the same way you could when you were together, and asking her to only call you if she’s truly out of other options. I don’t think cutting your ex off is the answer if you genuinely don’t feel yourself being pulled back into codependency with your ex, and if it’s not something that’s happening too often.
Mal: I’ve definitely been on your gf’s side of the coin with experiencing my partner show up for their ex in dire situations. Although no-contact would’ve appeased my insecurity and need for control at the time, ultimately I found myself more proud of her values and her humanity. I had to keep reminding myself that my only issue with the way she was showing up is that it was her ex and that I’d absolutely want her to show up for the people she cared for this way. It’s the crux of the partners we choose. Sometimes the very things we love most about our partners are also things that are deeply challenging. If therapy is an option, I’d suggest taking this to the therapist. I think defining what your boundaries vs. non-negotiables are around this are important. Try not to keep her out of the loop with your decisions and actions. I also agree that going ‘no-contact’ doesn’t feel like the solution and sometimes the solution is a bit uncomfortable.
Nico: Jail is a terrible place, and if someone calls you to come get them from jail, and you are able to do so, you should just go do it — unless they’re someone who abused you or who you feel threatened by or already have a serious no-contact situation regarding. Sometimes helping people is inconvenient. It’s often inconvenient. Sometimes we have to help people we don’t like very much. Not everything can be cozy and comfortable and emotionally cut-and-dry and to expect otherwise is just unrealistic if you want to build a better world, frankly.
I don’t think you’re wrong to oppose no-contact. It seems like a really strong reaction to you going out of your way to do a nice thing. I also think that you don’t need to oppose going no-contact just because you want to help your ex. You can also just be opposed to going no-contact in a situation where you don’t feel it’s necessary for your own well-being. This sounds like it’s about your girlfriend’s comfort and jealousy, which are things you two should talk about and work through without the first go-to being to cut someone outside of your romantic relationship off.
Can I Forget About The Things She Said When She Was Drunk?
Q
Hello! So, my partner is an alcoholic, but she’s been sober for a long while now and I am so proud of them and their progress and want to be supportive as much as I can! Yet I’m struggling with memories of things she said when she was still drinking. I really wish I wasn’t, but she would get very mean and these words still haunt me. In my worst moments it feels downright unfair that I have to live with these memories and they don’t! I wonder if there were grains of truth in the things she said, and I wonder if it might help me move on to be able to share them with her? I fear making her sobriety about me!
A
Summer: If this were a once-off event, I’d stereotypically cleave to the old saying that drunk words are sober truths? But I did a Master’s in Psychology with a focus on substance use and there’s much more going on here than just that.
Your partner’s past in addiction is much more than a few benders and some binge-drinking. It was/is a persistent form of distress, impulse control, and pain that will follow her for the rest of her life. The nightmare of addictive behavior (in any form) is that it is centered on agency. The problem is which part of a person holds agency at a given time. The world is full of awful people who happen to be inebriated. The world is full of good people who suffer when they do harmful things on lowered inhibitions. And depending on the day/substance/mood, a person can swing willy between both states. I don’t know your partner personally, so it’s really up to you to decide if you believe your partner is a good person who was being pulled thin by addiction and alcohol. Or if she was actually speaking a (exaggerated) version of the truth that was just being motivated by the alcohol.
Having a person with addiction in your life is on every level, a struggle with a lifelong medical condition. It’s not ‘just’ dating someone who is troublesome or loud. I find that it’s easier to understand and forgive ourselves when we realize that we’re not only partners, but also caregivers of people in very difficult circumstances. It’s… a difficult road to walk.
I don’t think you could ever forget what she said to you. But you do have a right to try and address her when she’s well enough to do so. Preferably in a safe, contained environment so it doesn’t traumatize both of you. I wish there was an easier answer, but it will come down to whether you believe in her goodness and your ability to be present for her.
Valerie: Do you think this is a question you could ask her? If she thinks she’d be comfortable talking about the things she said when she was drunk that are still weighing on you, or if she thinks that would hurt her sobriety? Because I think probably if she’s been sober and hasn’t repeated any of the things she said or continued to make you feel that way, she probably didn’t mean them (sometimes hurt people say things they know will hurt people) and it’s possible she’d love the opportunity to reassure you about that. If she says she doesn’t think it would be productive to talk about them, or she’s not feeling on solid ground enough yet re: her sobriety, I would suggest talking to them with a therapist or a trusted friend who you know wouldn’t ever hold them against your partner or bring it up again. (I recommend a therapist.) That way, you can still get them off your chest and work through why you think some things she said might have had truth to them, etc and work toward getting them to stop haunting you. As her partner, her sobriety does affect your life, so it’s okay to make it a LITTLE about you for a few conversations, especially if you don’t go into them accusatory or combative, but instead with the ultimate goal of healing and growing closer.
Nico: I think it would also be good to find a support group for partners of recovering alcoholics — whether you need to find this support online or can find it locally near you, much like recognizing you’re a caregiver as Summer said, recognizing that you have needs and support needs is really important. In addition to talking with a therapist yourself, I think it would also be good to write these words down in a document or a journal. Then, you can get them out of your head and onto a page until you’re ready to address them with a therapist, with a group, with your partner, or any combination of those things. Until then, I would try — and I know it’s hard —not to let anything your partner said to you impact your view of yourself. And if ultimately it’s too much for you to live with, it’s not wrong of you to leave.
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It looks like for the first question and old question text got pasted instead of the current question?
fixed!