Do I Have Hangups About Sex Work Or Is It Just a Bad Idea?
Q.
I figured out after four years of marriage that I am mostly asexual. However, me and my wife do still have sex, and I enjoy it although I don’t experience desire in the same way that she does. We don’t have sex as often as she’d like, but we are okay with where we’re at.
But she is now telling me that she wants to have sex with someone outside the marriage, because I don’t make her feel desired enough. Neither of us are comfy with polyamory, but she has brought up to me the idea of her seeing a sex worker. This doesn’t make sense to me because the sex worker would just be pretending to desire her, so how would that be fulfilling what she needs? She thinks I just have hangups about sex work. Just need some input on whether or not it’s weird of me to feel weird about this.
A.
Summer: Sex work is a heavily stigmatized profession, so there’s nothing wrong with feeling ‘weird’ about it or thinking that sex work itself is distasteful. We’re raised in a society that viciously demonizes sex work. Thinking bad things about it doesn’t make you a bad person – it makes you ethically average. But it’s always nice to work on those thoughts, if you have them.
As to your situation, a sex worker may be pretending to desire your wife (it’s our job), but your wife’s interest in a sex work may not be purely mechanical. If she feels undesirable in her relationship, then sex with you could be a reminder of that experience. Even if a sex worker is acting out her fantasies or desires, that could be enough for her to feel sated for the time-being. She might just crave sex with a new person. New sensations, bodies, and experiences and all that. Whether or not her rationale makes sense to you, she seems interested in pursuing it. I mean, her expectations might be incorrect and she might have a terrible time. But either way, she’s willing to try.
So… yeah, I think you’re allowed to feel weird, but those feelings should also be addressed in the context of sex work as a highly stigmatized profession. And how our partners seeing a sex worker can make us feel and where those feelings come from. But I don’t think she’s wrong to suggest it in her situation.
Riese: I think there’s just soooo much less baggage and psychological stuff going on with a sex worker than with a long term partner when it comes to performing desire. The encounter with a sex worker is the only context in which she knows the sex worker, so it’s much easier to settle into the fantasy of it all. And there’s an incredible freedom in being able to ask for what you want to do, or have done to you, or try, with someone who is being paid to fulfill those desires, and who will accept it all at face value. I don’t know if I’m explaining this well, but as a former sex worker, I just feel like the experience she wants to have likely goes beyond feeling that her partner is genuinely, innately, deeply sexually attracted to her. Even if the desire itself is a performance, it’s a performance the sex worker *wants* to perform, you know? (Assuming here of course that we are talking about someone consensually being a sex worker.)
Which is just to say —I do feel like maybe you just have hangups about sex work. Honestly it sounds to me like, if it’s financially viable for you both, her seeing a sex worker could be really great for the relationship, ‘cause she’d be able to explore her sexuality a bit outside of the marriage without risking the emotional entanglement of polyamory.
Sa’iyda: It sounds like she may be at least a little bit right about your hangups about sex work since you’re writing to us asking for advice. And that’s okay! Is there someone besides your wife you can talk through those feelings with? It might be helpful. But her hiring a sex worker is absolutely an easier option for reasons that Summer and Riese mentioned, but also time. If she goes out and hires a sex worker, she doesn’t have to spend time finding someone who will desire her, which could take a while.
In terms of “performed” desire, maybe she’s okay with that. Desire isn’t one thing; if she wants to go this route, she clearly wants a different experience than the one she has with you. Having a stranger desire you, even if you’re paying them, is so vastly different than being desired by your partner. Maybe that’s part of her reasoning too. Even though you’re okay with your arrangement, maybe she’s missing feeling deeply, truly, consistently desired.
I’m Looking for Sex Parties But I’m Not Kinky
Q.
I really want to go to a sex party but all the ones around me are kink focused, and I am not really kinky. Do you think I should try to get kinkier?
By not kinky, I guess I mean I find specifically impact and breath play extremely unappealing. Like people should do what they want to, but they both turn me off big time.
Bondage is interesting to me, but I’m not at all experienced with it. And some kinds of power dynamics turn me on.
But it seems to me like there will probably be impact and breathplay going on at these parties so. I don’t really even want to see it, even though I know nobody will make me participate in it. Not really sure what to do about that.
Should I just not go?
A.
Summer: Soooo kink parties come in all shapes and sizes, and some of them are definitely on the ‘lighter’ side of BDSM. Others will have restricted areas for sex acts or certain sex acts like breathplay. It falls to the organizers of each group. A given group might have strict rules about how every party is conducted or have themed nights where some sex acts are just not allowed. Those could still potentially appeal to you, but unfortunately you need to get connected with the organizers and communities to learn about what they do. If you like the idea of the kink community atmosphere, I think it’s a good idea to contact some organizers and ask if they know any events or groups that fit your needs. That way, you can find those events and still be part of a friendly space.
As for (sorta) non-BDSM sex parties… it’s probably going to come down to swingers groups or couples group sex events (swingers, cuckolds, stags, etc.). Those are still inherently kinky, but they won’t necessarily include BDSM. If there is BDSM, it’s usually in smaller amounts and avoidable. Unfortunately, the swinger scene tends to lean very heteronormative and you can expect some pretty problematic stereotyping there. Unless you get lucky and find a queer-friendly swingers scene. I’m not familiar enough with that to comment, but I know those exist.
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