Quiz: Decorate a House and I’ll Tell You Your Toxic Trait

In the wise words of Britney Spears: “You’re toxic.”

And now you can find out exactly why you’re toxic by taking this quiz I pitched originally as a joke and then decided to actually write, because who doesn’t love being bullied by an internet personality quiz? I know I do!!!!!

Also, this quiz is definitely meant to be in good fun! I promise I am only calling you out in the gentlest of ways. Every single toxic trait represented in the results of this quiz is something either I am guilty of myself or someone I love dearly is guilty of. I do not find any of these traits actually harmful, bad, or wrong. “Toxic” is one of those words that has become overused and misused and memed to the point it could mean anything!!!!! Think of this quiz like the meanest Co-Star notifications you get.

Okay, just wanted to get that out of the way so no one’s feelings are hurt! Now go decorate a fantasy home!


You've hired a home designer and interior decorator to help you with your dream house. (We love aspirational domestic fantasy!) What description do you use to tell them your overall aesthetic?(Required)
What does the entrance to your house look like?(Required)
The outside of a house matters, too! How would you describe your landscaping for this fantasy home?(Required)
What is the most important room of your house?(Required)
Where is most of the furniture and decor for your house coming from?(Required)
Pick a mirror:(Required)
Pick some stuff to put on your dining table:(Required)
Pick a couch:(Required)
Pick a color palette for your bedroom:(Required)
What statement piece do you have placed on your mantel?(Required)
What home from queer television do you find the most appealing?(Required)


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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, short stories, and pop culture criticism living in Miami. She is the assistant managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear or are forthcoming in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 459 articles for us.

32 Comments

  1. “Ruining the group chat by sending TikToks and Reels of the cringe couples you can’t get enough of.”

    I’d love to be able to say “I don’t know what you’re talking about” ! Alas my inner demon gleefully told me it means that I’m my own worst enemy. Also that I have no taste. But love to share it anyway. Damn I tried so hard to not lean into my tackyness this time.

    Anyway it hurts, so it’s a Win for self-realization !

  2. Picking an obscure song at karaoke and let me tell you I TRULY feel called out. I’m in that constant struggle bus where I enjoy “popular” bands (who had their heyday 5 – 10 years ago) but my favorite songs are their non-singles. The songs that Spotify refuses to host and I can just BELT to.
    This comment is specifically about I Caught Myself by Paramore, iykyk.

  3. Being the friend at a party who suggests everyone meet back up for brunch the next morning but then bailing on brunch.

    Hmm, I’m pretty sure this is not me, mostly because I no longer go to parties and never really went to brunch. But I definitely am guilty of thinking I want to socialize more than I actually do.

  4. brunch bailer! feeling v seen but also! chronic illness card is in play! sometimes i am overly ambitious with how much recharge one night will give!

    also the answer choice of ‘hiring friends/queer woodworkers to design all my furniture’ sent me into a full spiral daydream of my kickass custom furniture and the queer carpenter who built both it and our enduring love

      • I feel I’ve seen a million straight romances about woodworkers and home renovators and mechanics and zero queer ones! Torn between appealing to authors and rolling up my sleeves to do it myself (in true butch fashion)

        • Seriously. I’ve seen m/m romances with this but not f/f. And ever since I read that Rachel Maddow met her future wife when she (Rachel) was hired as her landscaper, I’ve been wanting a Sapphic romance with a sexy and competent contractor or craftsperson who’s good with their hands.

          • Omg they DID, I have always been obsessed with that story! There was, of course, that thing with Bette and The Carpenter, but we still need something with a more pure and long-lasting love.

  5. everything was pretty great til the last question . . . i don’t watch that much tv so i had to sleuth all of these, and now i need several million pounds to buy otis & jeans house and have my 20 closest friends live with me there . . . . i got the one about exes but i have zero exes . . . maybe this means otis & jean’s house just isn’t meant for me so i don’t need to cry about it.

  6. Yeah chronic pain will do that. Funny I did it before the chronic pain too Haha.. What can I say?!? I live in the moment and brunch sounds good in the moment. Then ya wake up next to ya executive chef wife and Instacart some goodies to cook naked instead lol ;)

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