There is no Disney Channel Original Movie that millennial lesbians love to rave about more than Cadet Kelly.
My little sister, a late-in-life bisexual, once spent a very high Thanksgiving 2018 monologuing at me about how gay that movie was — particularly the performances of Hilary Duff and Christy Carlson Romano.
In 2002, I was just a little too old for Cadet Kelly. I lost touch with DCOMs after Halloweentown (1998) and Zenon: Girl Of The 21st Century (1999).
I’d actually never seen it until this week. I figured Cadet Kelly would be a situation where everyone was looking back with fond nostalgia on a kids’ movie as gay wish-fulfillment. It couldn’t really be THAT explicit.
I was wrong. This movie isn’t only lesbian. It’s a gateway to an adulthood of kink.
The film follows Kelly Collins (Duff), a free-spirited New York City girl, who is forced to attend George Washington Military Academy after her mother marries the commandant of the school. Her father travels the world for work, leaving Kelly no choice but to move upstate with her mother’s new husband, whom she calls “sir,” and her newly trad-wife-pilled mom. The environment is obvious fascist propaganda. That’s the position conscientious objector and gun control advocate Kelly holds too — until she inevitably finds the beauty in the military. I felt insane watching this lesbian-coded Army ad while my city of Los Angeles is currently occupied by Trump’s National Guard. So ACAB. Yes, even for lesbians. Yes, even for Cadet Kelly.
The movie is about being in the closet.
The heart of the film is Kelly’s relationship with her strict commanding officer Jennifer Stone (Romano). One of the first issues the two have with each other is that Kelly insists on keeping a rainbow blanket on her bed. There’s even a transition shot from the rainbow blanket to an American flag. Jennifer snatches the blanket and rubs it under her boot, kicking it away. I’m not sure of a straight way you can read that scene. Throughout the movie, she delights in calling Kelly a “maggot.” It’s one letter off from the slur I’m convinced it was supposed to mirror.
After Jennifer tells Kelly to get rid of the blanket, Kelly hides it messily under her pillow. Jennifer sees it poking out, grabs it, and rips it to shreds in front of everyone.
Kelly’s blonde tresses are layered and streaked with color. She’s wearing gaudy accessories, which she calls a girl’s best friend. Jennifer has her brown hair in a tight regulation bun. Other female captains wear skirts, but Jennifer only wears pants. She isn’t exactly butch, but the uniform forces the look.
Jennifer is also much taller than Kelly (5’7 to Duff’s 5’2), so she gives top energy. (Okay, short people can be tops, too.) We never see her in plainclothes except at the dance when she’s in a white dress. She is then immediately dirtied by Kelly falling through the doors covered in mud. Kelly has publicly ruined the pristineness of Jennifer’s heterosexual presentation. Jennifer wants to remain invisible in her queerness. Kelly forces attention to it.
Kelly decides to get back at Jennifer for her abuse and paints the back of her captain’s hair pink, orange, yellow, and blue. (Pansexual?)
Jennifer walks through the barracks not realizing what she’s flagging while everyone points and laughs at her. She tries to cover up the rainbow Kelly put on her, but is ultimately forced to remove her hat and reveal it to the student court-martial committee.
Presumably, both Jennifer and Kelly have a crush on another student named Brad, played by Shawn Ashmore. As a little Easter egg, Ashmore is one half of the sexually charged Iceman and Pyro duo of the 2003 X-Men sequel X2. His mother delivers the iconic queer-coded line, “Have you tried… not being a mutant?”
Kelly and Jennifer’s competition for Brad never goes anywhere. Kelly is only interested in him because Jennifer is and she wants to annoy her. Brad is solely there to bring them together. He’s the one who insists Kelly make the drill team and that the girls do a routine together. He does not end up with either one of them.
Brad pushing them together comes off partially like a straight guy wingman who knows you and your friend like each other and like a frat guy who wants to see lesbians kiss.
There’s other queer stuff, too.
At one point, Kelly learns about a battle that wasn’t a retreat, it was “an advance to the rear.” Kelly sees the art of the drill team while watching two female cadets dance together at one of the competitions. Kelly’s friend Carla tells Kelly that coming to George Washington Military Academy is “heaven on Earth for a girl like me” because she had a bad home life, for an undisclosed reason. (Gay?)
“Maybe there is a feminine side to military life!” Kelly cheers when she hears about the Welcome Back dance. Unfortunately, Jennifer makes Kelly stay out in the rain and redo an obstacle course instead. She also delegates Gloria, another student, to lord over Kelly until she gets it right. Kelly remains optimistic. Gloria says: “We have got to get to the bottom of your denial.”
Here’s my assessment of Gloria. She’s also gay. She’s the girl who you experiment with, no strings attached because you’re the only two lesbians in your town. You’re not in love with each other. Maybe you’re both in love with Jennifer Stone. But you’re chill and cool and you’ll always have love for each other.
When Kelly wants to join the drill team, she asks Gloria to be her coach. What follows is a very cute and gay montage of Gloria whipping her into shape. Their faces are so close together. When Gloria proclaims she is ready for tryouts, Kelly squeals and kisses her on the cheek.
The movie might also dabble in polyamory! Kelly’s mother Samantha, birth father Adam, and stepdad Joe all have dinner together, and it’s really lovely. Adam and Joe shake hands and say it’s good to see each other. Joe isn’t jealous of Samantha and Adam. He’s only sad he doesn’t have a more affectionate relationship with Kelly. Later, Joe helps her rescue Adam who has fallen off a cliff. She holds both their hands and says she is happy to have two dads. The men agree. It’s wholesome. Samantha is a lucky woman.
This movie is so kinky. WTF??
Jennifer calls Kelly “maggot” every chance she gets. Kelly calls her “ma’am.” That’s already toeing the line.
But there’s one scene that actually takes it over the edge, pun intended. I’ve seen a lot of kink in my day, and I was flabbergasted this was in a kids’ movie.
Kelly is punished and assigned to shine the boots of the entire drill team. She struggles to get it right until Brad shows up and SPITS ON THE BOOT right in her face while smirking. I… I can’t believe this was for children. It’s so hot. In response, Kelly spits on the shoe too. (In real life, Ashmore was 23 years old, thank god.)
As her time on the drill team continues, Kelly suddenly has reverence for all the buckles and belts and knots. She runs her fingers lovingly over her uniform.
After their team underperforms, Brad is upset. In the equipment room, Kelly does a silly dance to cheer him up. He smirks. “Do that again,” he says, standing close to her. “And that’s an order.”
That it’s Brad behaving this way is beside the point. He’s not a real man. He’s a vessel for discovering kink. Now shoo, Brad. Take your shoe and shoo!
The ribbon dance was so much more than I even dreamed it could be.
Kelly comes upon Jennifer trying to learn moves for her solo and playfully copies her. Annoyed, Jennifer shoves her and sizes her up. They get into an improvised military dance battle with their faces so close together. At one point, Jennifer barks at Kelly!
Gloria smirks. Brad says this is the fire they need! Jennifer and Kelly have to work together so they can win. Oh no, passionate enemies with forced proximity! Whatever will these girls do?
After practice, Jennifer snidely asks if Kelly is going to talk to Brad about their routine. Kelly says no. “You are my partner and commanding officer,” Kelly replies, blinking her baby blues up at Jennifer. “I work with you.” Jennifer melts.
The infamous dance itself is gay beyond my wildest dreams. If anything, people were underselling it to me for all these years. There’s synchronized ribbons. There’s knowing glances and giggles and smiles. Who the fuck is Brad? Who even cares?
“I knew I’d be telling my grandchildren about this someday,” Kelly grins. She and Jennifer hug. I assume she’s talking about the grandchildren they will share as an old married couple.
Kelly starts planning their routine together for next year. Jennifer stops her. Her dad got a new job, so she’s moving to Europe. (Vague?)
Kelly is sad, but she knows your first real girlfriend doesn’t have to be your last. They’re only in high school, not the real Army. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. (I am assuming all of this.)
In the end, Jennifer smiles and says she hopes Kelly will become a platoon leader herself, and that she will “have to deal with a little maggot just like you.”
And with that, Jennifer becomes a wise queer elder.
Previously, on Trans Guy Watches: She’s the Man.
