“I just don’t get why lesbians are being forced to center men in their lives,” my grandmother pleads with me through tears at our favorite diner spot. She’s so distraught, she can’t even finish her porridge. The whole lunch has been like this – droning on and on about identity politics: who can be what, who can say which slur, who’s allowed to go to the dyke bar. Just last week, she barked at a bi4bi couple at the sapphic-owned coffeeshop for not tipping more than 25%.

I’m finding it hard to hold a conversation with her that doesn’t escalate to straight up conflict. The last time I asked her to talk with me about her behavior, she requested an intimacy coordinator.

Maybe I’m just overreacting? Let me share some other questions she’s asked me over soft beige foods and you tell me how I should handle this.

  1. If she’s bisexual, why does she have a lesbian’s haircut?
  2. Is this white person allowed to be crowdfunding for rent in gentrified Bed Stuy?
  3. If a white man has more than 6 polycule partners, isn’t that just colonization?
  4. [this one’s more of a statement than a question] Someone posted a deeply personal essay about their identity and I can’t help but feel it invalidates mine.
  5. Why are we okay with queer people wearing Doc Martens when the leather industry is unethical?
  6. Don’t you think the act of even asking someone if you can kiss them is coercion?
  7. Is it okay for trans men to go to the gym or is that just toxic masculinity on display?
  8. Why are all the teenage boys at the mall dressed like masc lesbians?
  9. How do I tell your little cousin Jane it’s transphobic to read the Harry Potter books that have been in the family for decades?
  10. Did you see Uncle Jack brought the kids to Chick-fil-A after baseball on Saturday?