Sex/Life is a series all about the secret sexy business of couples, throuples, exes who still fuck for some reason, LDR darlings, polyculites, and any other kind of amorous grouping your perfect heart can fathom. We send them nosey questions, they record themselves answering them, and we transcribe that conversation for all of us to enjoy. All names have been changed and any identifying details removed.
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Marin (33) and Leigh (35) are two married lesbians living in a one-bedroom in Jersey City. They’ve been together for three years and married for nine months, which means they’re still newlyweds and we love that for them. Both work in the entertainment industry, and when they’re not doing whatever that entails, you can probably find Marin cooking, Leigh outside in nature, or both of them together watching movies. They’re monogamous, emotionally literate, and this is how they fuck.
What was your sex life like when you first started dating?
Marin: We definitely had more sex when we first started dating. It was a long-distance relationship—Boston and Jersey City—so when we saw each other, it was a whole production. A lot of sex in a short amount of time.
Leigh: Yeah, now that we live together, it’s more spread out. Life just shows up more. You’re not always at your sexiest when you’re home from work or have your period or an infant’s thrown up on you. Not that we have infants—just cats.
Marin: Living together changes the context. When you’re long-distance, everything feels urgent and hot. But now it’s like, we also have to support each other through the least sexy moments. That takes a different kind of intimacy.
Leigh: And we’ve both been on different meds over time, which definitely affects libido.
How long into the relationship did you decide to live together, and how has living together impacted your sex life?
Leigh: We moved in together after about nine or ten months. But we were already friends before dating, so it didn’t feel rushed.
Marin: You said pretty early on, like in February, “If we’re not moving in together, what’s the point?”
Leigh: I just didn’t want to do long-distance monogamy. I knew that wouldn’t work for me.
Marin: Living together means seeing each other when we’re tired or cranky. That doesn’t kill the passion, but it changes how it shows up. You have to try harder. Back when we were hookup friends, it was just assumed we’d have sex when we hung out. Now it’s like—are we in the right headspace? Did someone just have a hard day?
Leigh: Yeah. The sex doesn’t go away, but you have to protect it more. Make time for it. Remember the feelings when things feel routine.
Do you have a top/bottom dynamic?
Leigh: Neither of us are strict tops or bottoms. I’d say I’m slightly more top-leaning, but Marin lied at the beginning.
Marin: I didn’t lie! I said I was a service top. Which I maintain.
Leigh: You also said you were a top-top. But you were out there acting like a top and then got with me and I found out the truth.
Marin: Isn’t it good I was comfortable enough to reveal my true self — bossy bottom included?
Leigh: You’re often a bossy bottom.
Marin: Not often.
Leigh: Often. I was eating your ass for months before you would even admit it!
Marin: Because you kept offering!
Leigh: And you kept accepting. Bottom behavior.
Marin: Okay, fair. But I do think we’re both vers. You’re a little more aggressive top, like a “tops don’t listen to Lana Del Rey” type.
Leigh: I don’t! You’re the sad girl music one.
Marin: I do listen to Lana, Mitsky. Sad girl bottom. Sad girl vers.
Do you feel like your sex drives are well matched?
Leigh: Now, yes. There was a time when I would’ve said no—when I was extremely horny and you weren’t matching that. But I also think I was trying to prove something to myself. I’d never done monogamy, and I wanted to see if I could.
Marin: Yeah, you were trying to tamp it down to not ruin what we were building. But in doing that, it felt like it made it harder to access altogether.
Leigh: I was trying not to be a fuckboy. And we were fighting a lot, which didn’t help. Also, I’m on mood stabilizers now, and they level out all my highs—including sexual ones.
Marin: You’ve said you used to get validation from being perceived as sexually powerful.
Leigh: Yeah. That’s something I’m still unlearning.
Marin: But now I think we’re better aligned. Even when we’re not both horny at the same time, we can tap into it with each other.
Are there things you like to do during sex? Things you don’t like to do?
Leigh: I love 69. But I always want to be on the bottom so I can stare into the butthole.
Marin: You never let me look at yours!
Leigh: I do. I just like that angle more. I love being called a “good boy.” Sometimes daddy, but you haven’t done that in a while.
Marin: That’s because you haven’t been topping lately!
Leigh: I always want to be called boy things during sex. Doesn’t mean I think I’m a man—just like the vibe.
Marin: We don’t really do anal penetration. Neither of us are into it.
Leigh: Some light butt stuff, sure. But no big moves there.
Marin: Not into feet either. No judgment. Just not our thing.
Leigh: Everything we do together, I like. That wasn’t always the case with other people before you.
Marin: Same. I probably wouldn’t enjoy deep-throating a strap.
Leigh: You had to learn how to suck strap!
Marin: I did. And now I’m amazing. We do the usual: fingers, mouths, eating pussy, fisting sometimes, strap for both of us, vibrators. Lots of talking during sex.
Leigh: That surprised me—how good you were at it even though you said you’d never done that before. We always talk during sex.
Marin: You don’t like music during sex.
Leigh: Too distracting. I want to be focused on you.
Marin: Maybe we try instrumentals.
Leigh: I’d be open to that.
What are some things you’d like to try (or try again)?
Leigh: A threesome, maybe. Going back to the sex party. We’ve been, but only done stuff with each other.
Marin: I want to do the “Wolf of Wall Street” scene—Margot Robbie in heels pushing Leo away.
Leigh: We don’t really wear heels.
Marin: We could make it work.
Leigh: Outdoor sex. In a car. We’ve done that and it’s always hot. Like on our honeymoon. Or that cabin.
Marin: That was fun.
How important are orgasms to your sex life?
Leigh: Very. For me.
Marin: I like to come, but I don’t want it to feel like a requirement. If it doesn’t happen once in a while, it’s okay.
Leigh: It doesn’t feel like pressure. I just like knowing you will. It’s not hard to make you come.
Marin: That’s sweet. You’re very good at it. I wouldn’t want to never have one again—but if I don’t one time, it’s not the end of the world.
Leigh: I’ve never been on SSRIs, so orgasms haven’t been hard for me. But I know that’s different for you.
Marin: Still cushy though. Remember when I said that?
Leigh: I do. Your pussy’s still so cushy.
What role does masturbation play in your sex life?
Leigh: We do a lot of mutual masturbation. I think that counts as sex.
Marin: Yeah, I rarely do it alone anymore. Usually just if one of us is out of town or I have my period.
Leigh: We’ve got a solid vibrator collection. You won one in a costume contest.
Marin: I did. I’m proud of that.
Leigh: We use toys during sex, too—vibes, straps, whatever helps. I think it’s just another way to connect.
Marin: Parallel play, but with eye contact and kissing.
Tell us about your favorite or most memorable time you’ve had sex together.
Leigh: Just one? That’s so hard.
Marin: We’ve had a lot.
Leigh: Sex in the car in Provincetown. Sex in that crazy honeymoon cabin. The champagne bathtub in the Poconos.
Marin: Our first Valentine’s Day—you got a hotel near your family, we did a little photo shoot first. It was cute.
Leigh: Italy. When we finally had sex after your mom left. I hit it from the back and you looked hot as hell.
Marin: That was good. Remember when we had emotional sex and you wrote a poem about me?
Leigh: Yeah. I posted it to Instagram. Now people are gonna find it.
Marin: Let them. It was beautiful.
Leigh: I love you.
Marin: I love you too.
Sex/Life is a series all about the secret sexy business of couples, throuples, exes who still fuck for some reason, LDR darlings, polyculites, and any other kind of amorous grouping your perfect heart can fathom. You can join them by emailing [email protected]! (No writing experience necessary.)
