It’s attack ad season! With less than a month until the election, everyone’s airing pieces on the way they’ve been victimized. Gay rights activists have been making commercials to explain the issues at hand when it comes to voting, but they really aren’t revealing everything. Luckily there are homophobic super-PACs that have video cameras and a few thousand dollars worth of airtime to remind voters how terrifying and perverted we LGBT people are. We may seem like normal, everyday citizens but we’re actually giant bullies with a sinister Gay Agenda. We’re merely pretending we want to get our rights because in reality we won’t be satisfied until we’ve taken theirs away!
You know what guys? They’re 100% right! I’ve learned so many lessons about my Gay Agenda thanks to them! I thought LGBT Americans just wanted to be treated like more than second class citizens, but it turns out that it’s so much more! Take a gander at the past few years of anti gay-marriage ads so you know which issues are really at hand this election season.
(Warning: Although this is meant as satire, you should still grab an air-sickness bag because the commercials will either make you laugh until milk comes out your nose or vomit out of rage.)
1. What’s Marriage? – Protect Marriage
“Yes on Prop 8” warned Californians about the inadequacy of gay parents in 2008. If gay people have children, we aren’t going to know how to educate them on reproduction because we don’t have all of the relevant bits! Society has never evolved past the words “mommy” and “daddy” so gay parents won’t know what to do! Clearly our only method of defense will be to insulate our children from the critical nay-sayers and take them away from their friends. Luckily Protect Marriage is there to stop us!
2. Gathering Storm – National Organization for Marriage
In 2009 NOM managed to get their hands on our Gay Agenda and leaked our giant storm plans. Each time we say we’re trying to get equal rights, we’re really trying to take away the freedoms of homophobic doctors and parents that don’t want to have to think about gay people. We’re taking the issue way beyond gay marriage and we’re not going to stop until we change the way everyone lives! And we would have gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids!
3. Dare to Stand – Illinois Family Institute
When it comes to bullying, LGBT students aren’t the victims, people of faith are! One day a year gay people use their unlimited power to remove the rights of homophobic religious people by forcing them to stay silent. The Day of Silence masquerades as an organization raising awareness of the problems facing queer students, but they’re really indoctrinating impressionable youth into thinking gay is okay!
4. I’m Confused – National Organization for Marriage
Gay people and their marriages are everywhere! At first we were just on everyone’s marriage license, but now we’re in the schools too! Teaching same-sex marriage to students (which means what, exactly?) is really a ploy to make parenthood uncomfortable for everyone! Gay parents and people won’t be satisfied until children are asking their parents and grandparents about the world at large! Who wants to talk to their children? Worst of all, gay people are going to make schools will teach students a new way of thinking! NOM and New Hampshire know that’s not what the education system is for!
5. New Morning – Campaign for American Values PAC
We gay people are using our superpowers to go back in time and steal America’s votes! We conspired with Obama to try to change all of the gay marriage-hating Obama supporters into gay marriage-loving Obama supporters! We all know that even if you support Obama you sure as fuck didn’t mean to endorse gay marriage. Who wants to be a flip flopper? This isn’t the change you voted for! CFAV knows that this is the one issue that Romney will never flip flop on!
6. Marriage is More – Maryland Marriage Alliance
Gay parents are ruining future generations by teaming up with Death and Divorce to prevent children from being raised by a mother and a father! We’re going to ruin all the children! Everyone deserves love and respect, as long as they keep their hands off of the definition of marriage! But we gay people are selfish and audacious enough to think we have the right to redefine marriage!
7. Good of Marriage – Minnesota for Marriage
I’m glad Minnesota knew what we were really up to. We’re pretending marriage is about the relationship between two people when it’s really just about God. Once we pass the referendum, we’re going to take away voters’ rights because as everyone knows, voters and gay marriage supporters are mutually exclusive parties.
8. Consequences of Redefining Marriage – Preserve Marriage Washington
Gay people are trying to indoctrinate tolerance and that just isn’t cool. Americans deserve the right to spout hate speech as freely as they want, but we gay people are going to unjustly hold them accountable for their actions. We’re going to use “the law” against them and pretend that Washingtonians are being “discriminatory” when they only support man-lady marriage. If we’re willing to go up against the beloved Chick-Fil-A, who knows which homophobic organization gay people will unfairly attack next!
9. Don Mendell – Protect Marriage Maine
Gay marriage supporters are just trying to take away people’s jobs. We’re planning on having everyone fired if they don’t push our gay agenda. We’re trying to dismiss upstanding counsellors and revoke their licenses just because they publicly stated they are against certain groups of people. Once we get our way, gay people will dismiss whomever they dislike, including Teachers of the Year.
I hope you learned your lesson about how sneaky and evil we LGBT truly are. So really now, if there’s one thing you think about this election season, it should be how your actions are affecting the children and the plight of the of the poor, straight homophobe. They deserve our rights too!