Real L Word 301 Recap: Apples and Oranges and Bananaheads

Welcome to the first recap of the first episode of the third season of The Real L Word, an hour-long drama about a pioneer woman with gigantic sleeves and weird hats who journeys to Colorado Springs to become a doctor at a time when women were not doctors (because of the patriarchy).

note whitney & sara in the front holding the baby they hope to have before marriage

WeHo town, it’s a quiet village, every lay like the one before, WeHo town, full of stylish people, waking up to say … Bonjour! Good day!  How is your gay family? Bonjour! Good day! How is your wife? I need! More sperm! That’s too expensive! I want much more than this Sho-vincial life…  just watch I’m going to make Sara my wife!

There goes the hipster with her hair like always, the same old fashion shows to sell. Every morning just the same, since the morning that we came to this poor reality show -

GOOD MORNING, HELL!

Sheesh. I’m exhausted. Wow. So, The Real L Word! On a scale of one to ten, I found this episode slightly more interesting than the Home Shopping Network.

Just one diversion before we lick our lips and dive in to this moist cave of despair — embarking upon the third season of The Real L Word makes me think back to the third season of Ilene Chaiken‘s other moderately-successful hit Showtime series, The L Word. You remember, don’t you? That glorious march of doom? The season in which the ladykiller finally made a commitment and moved in with her sexy girlfriend and then proposed to her? The season in which we fell to collective pieces in the wake of a tragic and untimely death? The season in which a woman who’d been in a lesbian relationship for the past 8.5 years got in touch with her lingering desire for men? Yes, that season. I hated that season.

this is an actual screencap from when i was recapping episode 310 of The L Word, the answer to “were we ever so young” is “no”

Anyhow, let’s get this shitshow on the road!

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We open in sunny Los Angeles, California, where glamorous supergoddess Romi Flinger is cruising past Tuna-Town while talking about herself: she’s been sober for a year, lost a lot of friends, is “madly in love” and is wearing 76 individual pieces of jewelry at the same time including sapphire studs on her interior vaginal walls.

is totally doing kegels right now

Did I mention that Romi Flinger is in love? Well, she is:

i mean, i’m always pretty, but when i’m in love, i’m like extra pretty

Meanwhile, elsewhere on Los Angeles’ labyrinth highway system, Whit-me is driving her car, talking about herself. 

here i am again, bitches

The Pride of West Hollywood has “fallen in love,” which is so “crazy” that she “can’t even wrap her head around it.” Plus, that stupid hat’s in the way.

and it was not all that different from falling into a kiddie pool of creamed corn

Thus we zoom gayly forward accompanied by not only Whit-me and Romi Flinger’s Life Updates, but also by the vexatious vibration of the insufferable BETTY-esque vocals intoning “You got to show me how you move, move, move / if you wanna see my hotel room.” Ain’t that the truth.

rose showing her moves in a hotel room, circa season one

Whit-me and Romi Flinger, seemingly spilling over with desire for their aforementioned lovers, return home — Whit-me, of course, returns to Sahara…

this is how the dementors do it

…and Romi, of course, returns to … men?

no, ilene, this doesn’t count as diversity

Yup.

Romi: “For the past six months, I’ve kind of been living this secret life. I don’t know, it’s time to just, stop.”

and boy did she pick a winner

Indeed, Romi’s been inspired by the nearby camera crews to reveal her present activity partner, Jay, an admission which shocked my socks off only ’cause I thought Romi’s boyfriend this season would be this Dusty character from their special tumblr, and I’d been hoping and praying that Dusty would be a super-awesome smart feminist or something and this storyline would be really enlightening and complicated. HAHAHAHA!

Anyhow, guess what else is ready for its reveal?

rack ‘em up

Romi’s boobs! And um, Romi and Jay fucking!

man on the land

Now, bisexual women are glorious humans near and dear to my heart and vagina and former self-identification and personal history and reading list, but MEN, on the other hand? I hate men. Reader, let me be honest with you: this show’s single redeeming factor was its consistent lack-of-men. It rarely subjected me to the thoughts or feelings of modern man, let alone their sexual desires, let alone actual heterosexual sex, which I maxed out on personally between the years of 1998 and 2005 and in any event I could watch heterosexual sex on every other show ever made about anything, ever. Can’t we get one corner of the sky?

[Fun Fact: only 61% of The Real L Word's audience is female.]

Meanwhile, The Pride of West Hollywood got so steamy on her way over that she requires an immediate shower and fingerfuck (to wipe off the stench of pussy juice and creamed corn and replace it with the stench of pussy juice and Bath & Body Works).

BANG!

this is also how the dementors do it

Thus the season kicks off with a sex montage of Whit-me/Sahara and Romi Flinger/Jay. Yay! Sexathon forever! Sigh.

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Let’s travel to New York City, my home and native land (not really, Michigan is my home/native land, but New York City, where I lived for six years, is the only girl I’ve ever really loved) (besides my girlfriend) (who just said “I feel like a Real L Word widow”), where Hunter Valentine has trekked all the way from the Yukon Yak-and-Harp-Seal-laden lands of Canadia to “make it” as ROCK GODS.

San Dimas High School Rules

Let’s meet the band! First up is Kiyomi, Hunter Valentine’s lead singer:

is also an international fugitive

Kiyomi founded this band with Laura eight years ago. Laura’s on drums:

is also great at making brunch

Vero, no relation to Vemo, is on bass. She’s been in the band for about a year:

is hiding a hickey under that innocent scarf

Last but not least, Hunter Valentine has just added a new keyboardist:

there’s great pussy to be found on youtube

Wait, sorry, wrong picture. New keyboardist:

is that a bird… or a plane? or a plastic bag?

Yup, Somer is another lesbian with a cool haircut giving me perfect-jaw-envy (I’ve got a “weak chin” and thus am obsessed with humans who’ve got amazing jawlines, e.g., Tegan & Sara, Clea Duvall, SOMER BINGHAM). Howevs, as the above streetscape suggests, Somer’s not at practice which’s unfortunate ’cause they’ve got a “tour” to prepare for — HV’s got a gig coming up at South by Southwest, the Austin, Texas-based music festival I’ve got fond fond memories of.

but at this point would settle for klonopin or half an ativan

Rather than employ cellular telephone technology to locate and/or reprimand Somer, Hunter Valentine rehearses sans-keyboard and by “rehearses sans-keyboard” I mean “bitches about having to rehearse sans-keyboard.”

Kiyomi: “This is pointless because we don’t need to practice these songs.”
Laura: “It’s actually Somer who needs to practice these songs.”
Kiyomi: “— or we need to practice these songs–”
Both: “With Somer.”

Kiyomi interviews that Somer’s been her friend for ages and is a great musician but has band “commitment problems.” Also:

just saying

Anyhow, where the hell is Somer? Perhaps Waldo knows…

Smear over to the cold mid-afternoon streets of Brooklyn or Queens, where Somer’s dog-walking with Donna, her girlfriend of four years to whom she wedded in holy matrimony just this past summer.

I bet when Donna signed up for “in sickness and in health” she wasn’t aware she’d be subjected to constant expository conversations, like the enchanting exchange about Somer’s work and practice schedule the passionate duo engage in while dog-walking.

Somer interviews to set up her story arc/”conflict” for this season:

Somer: “The tour is supposed to be a trial period for me to see if we click on stage, if I have a good time playing the music, if we get along, for the band to make sure that I’m the person that they want, that they can get along with me, also in terms of my relationship with Donna, to see if our marriage can take me being away for weeks and months at a time.”

There’s some kind of transition to Somer finally showing up for practice which I’ve since forgotten and then here she is, surrounded by women with large instruments who are seething with passive-aggressive resentment towards Somer and her cute haircut and perfect jaw and latey-late-lateness.

you’re supposed to be screaming naked fingerfucking in the shower, it’s all in the contract!

Apparently Somer’s acquired minimal knowledge of the set-list but nevertheless exudes a maximum capacity for fun-fun-fun as well a maximum capacity for pushing Kiyomi’s buttons. Kiyomi declares, “we need to practice this song like ten times.”

Vero is super-jazzed about that suggestion:

how did i get here

More importantly, you may notice that Kiyomi is gradually applying more layers from interview to interview throughout this scene, suggesting an issue with climate change:

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Psychotic Barbie music transitions us back to the doctor’s for The Return of Cori & Kacy, who you may recognize as the only cast members you still liked by the end of Season Two:

Cori & Kacy are hanging out at their favorite snack shack, The Gynecologist’s Office! On the menu today: an ultrasound of Cori’s four-month-old fetus situation! Yup — Cori and Kacy finally got pregnant.

i’m thinking the baby will be about three feet tall and about this wide

Lemme take a sidenote time out and issue a SPOILER ALERT for anybody who doesn’t already know what I’m about to say, but I’m pretty sure anybody who cares about this show already knows this — Cori and Kacy are going to lose this baby, and we know this because we wrote about it when it happened and you probably read it. I can’t even watch these scenes without thinking how hard it must be for Cori & Kacy to watch these scenes.

It’s just so tragic and so sad, because these two are so sweet and so rad, and so earnestly pumped about their potential offspring but all that joviality is impossible to enjoy, let alone mock (as recappers must), when one knows what’s coming. I can’t even bring myself to ask Intern Grace to photoshop a tiny hat onto this ultrasound.

and they were gonna name her charlie! charlie!

Cori: “After a few rounds of unsuccessful inseminations, everything that we’ve been doing this past year has finally worked.”
Kacy [to Cori]: “Little Mamasita!”

every kiss begins with k-acy

[Cori gets teary-eyed]
Cori: “I mean –”
Kacy: [pointing at Cori's teary face] “That’s the best part.”
Cori: “We’re gonna have a baby!”
Kacy: “You see this, do you see the happiness here? That’s the best part.”
Cori: “It’s the hormones.”

fucking cutest people ever

Kacy tells the story of Cori leaping into bed with the freshly-peed-upon positive pregnancy test stick and they both get teary and also happy but also exhausted and then the doctor tells them they’re having a girl, and they’re so happy and this is me:

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Back to Sarahara’s Sugar Shack, where Whit-me and Sarahara stick food in one another’s mouthholes while interviewing about how they used to be mega-dysfunctional, which segues into a charming retrospective of some of their best moments:

were we ever so young and gauzy

But now that they’ve taken a leap of faith bla bla bla they can love each other forever in the same apartment, like baby birds:

Whitney: “I think we’ve come so far because we’ve allowed ourselves to fall in love.”

just open a little wider and i’ll get that last pubic hair out of your molars

Luckily, says Sarahara, they realized the only thing keeping them apart besides Whit-me’s contractual obligation to be The Player was their “walls” and now they’ve taken their walls down, let the cameras way way way in, and thus embraced the mystical “connection” we’ve heard so much about.

Also:

Whitney: “Since Sara and I got really solid, Romi and I are not friends. Just because I think Sara felt betrayed.”

It’s okay, I get it — Romi inspired the Who’s At The Door Montage, and therefore Sara got left out of that whole private meme. It’s okay, Sarahara, I had Grace make you one:

Sarahara points out half-heartedly that “it’s hard to love somebody with your whole heart,” which isn’t true. Have you ever tried winning a round of Chopped with a whole (cow) heart in your basket? That’s hard.

and then we allowed ourselves to put on some layers and move to alaska

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Smear over to the “Lyon Fine Jewelry Launch,” which we’re segued into with “Chic Los Angeles nightlife music.” It’s time to meet Lauren Bedford Russel, this sort of glamazonian blonde/pink-haired lesbian with shiny teeth and confident sex-appeal.

ok now take off your clothes and writhe around like fiona apple in ‘criminal’

So Lauren moved here from New York ten months ago and her jewelry is super-special and super-expensive and super shiny and AMAZING. In other words, Hija Por Vida, IT IS ON.

she just really felt like lesbian jewelers with oft-pink hair were under-represented on this show and i wanted to make a difference

Her launch is attended by familiar faces including Whit-me and Whit-me’s Wholehearted Love, Sarahara. Whit-me knows everybody, because she’s dipped her salami in everybody’s asiago cheese ball, so obviously she knows Lauren, but she doesn’t “KNOW” Lauren, if you know what I mean, but guess who does KNOW Lauren (LIKE THAT)? Kelsey!

best boi on the block

Yup. It seems Kelsey, Romi’s ex-girlfriend, rode another pink-haired beautiful tall jewelry designer’s pony recently.

note the hummus sponsorship in the background because lesbians love hummus

Lauren: “I hardly know Romi at all and yet there’s some crazy rivalry, I don’t understand it, maybe she’s uncomfortable because Kelsey and I sort of liked each other for a minute?”

Fuck that shit, Lauren’s got her eyes on the future:

because with amanda i can really be relevant, mature and collegiate

So Amanda’s being shipped to Los Angeles for the program, obviously, and whatever story they made up to explain it escapes me now but regardless the point is that Amanda and Lauren are “friends with benefits” and “of course we’re gonna end up hooking up.” So, you know. WATCH THIS SPACE.

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Just to recap this recap thus far: this season’s allegedly about lesbian life in Los Angeles and New York City, but the NYC cast consists of a four-man band from Toronto who record in Toronto and are about to leave for Texas and a girl from New York City who’s moving to Los Angeles. If this is supposed to be New York City vs. Los Angeles, I think Los Angeles is winning? Womp WOMP.
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But they don’t make them like this in Los Angeles:

nerdy butch dykes from brooklyn ftw always

Anyhow, let’s meet Amanda!

i know right, why let pigeons crap on your head all day when you can wear a stupid hat instead

We don’t really “meet Amanda” this episode as I’m still not clear if she’s a stylist, promoter, makeup artist or jewelry designer or maybe even something totally different we’ve never seen on this show before. Maybe she’s Catwoman?

pretty sure that she’s catwoman

Amanda and her lesbian hipster friends have gathered at a watering hole to bid adieu to their friend who, if the ensuing three minute monologue is any indication, hasn’t told anybody anything about her life or future until this very moment.

i was like, really, only $3,000 for the entire season? that’s highway robbery! but then i thought, you know, why not

Amanda’s gonna get all city girl on you:

Amanda: “Lauren and I have always talked about living together, like, growing our lives together, and it was just really important I think, for us, to do it while we’re young and we can afford it, and we can just explore and see what we want.”

haha that story about the roommates moving out is even funnier the sixth time

Much like Whit-me and Sarahara circa Season Two (jesus shoot me I can’t believe I even know this), Amanda and Lauren have always had sexual tension but have never lived in the same city while single before.

Amanda: “There’s always been a sexual tension between Lauren and I since like, the minute we met, which is why it makes everybody that loves us and dates us so uncomfortable.”

Therefore, Amanda’s upcoming move to Los Angeles will be The Ultimate Challenge!

this is what happened when i googled “ultimate challenge”

“It’s getting a little crowded, let’s go to the bar,” says Amanda. Ahhh the bar. Always a great place to stretch one’s limbs on a Friday night.

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We zoom to another part of the city where Kiyomi’s returning to New York City from an Album Recording Adventure in The Wilds of Toronto to stay with her not-girlfriend, Ali.

Not-Girlfriend (noun) - Female with whom you sleep most nights and talk every day but do not consider yourself formally or monogamously involved with. Traditionally, not-girlfriends might always have dinner together, but are not one another’s go-to dates for weddings and office parties.

it’s all the same to showtime

Ali’s been slaving all day over a hot oven to create a musical-note shaped cake for Kiyomi, which is so fucking ridiculously cute that Kiyomi will be punished in the afterlife for not immediately undressing Ali and eating frosting off her nipples.

you guys ali seriously made her a cake in the shape of a musical note. a cake in the shape of a musical note!

Kiyomi and Ali interview regarding their variant perspectives on their relationship, which began maybe four or six or a billion months ago, I forget.

Kiyomi: “We’re not in a committed relationship, we’re supposed to just be casual, but we talk to each other every day and I just — I dunno where this is going.”

In other words, Ali thinks they’re basically girlfriends and Kiyomi is doing that thing where you say you’re not girlfriends but go completely batshit if your not-girlfriend talks to, kisses, or expresses physical attraction towards any other human being, ever.

and it’s classified by this recapper as non-interesting

Ali interviews that she and Kiyomi met through a mutual friend at a bar and then immediately hooked up in the bathroom, a story that she stole from me and my ex, Alex, and probably at least eighteen people reading this right now. Except for the next part where Ali woke up to find Kiyomi in her bed, like when Baby Bear came home and found Goldilocks in her bed.

and look, here she is again, in my bed!

Kiyomi: “Kissing you is so much different than all the other girls I’ve been kissing.”

Play on, player, play on.

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Avatar of Riese

Riese is the 32-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City, and now lives in The Bay Area. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are!

Riese has written 1721 articles for us.

119 Comments

  1. Thumb up 5

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    Wow…this is the first TRLW recap I’ve ever read, and for the first time, I’m mildly interested in reality television. I wonder if we get Showtime…

    I need to see this, if only to mercilessly ridicule the poor dumb women who put it all out there in front of a video camera to be broadcast on televison. Oh, Showtime. Oh, Ilene Chaiken.

  2. Thumb up 25

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    I have so many feelings about this episode but mostly I’m just glad that Riese’s recaps are back. It feel like coming home, guys. It feels like coming home.

    Also are Romi and Carla the same person? I would say Jay has a type but it looks more like he has a cloning device.

  3. Thumb up 10

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    I so sorry for what you have to go through for our amusement Riese, but fuck, that was the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks! I was laughing all the way through. Well, except for the Cori and Kacy parts. Those hurt.

    I could care less what Romi does or who she does it with, but my goodness are they are handling this story badly. “It’s like you’re begging me to hate you.” is so right. What the freaking hell. All the talk about how just having this show (silly and trashy as it is) helps visibility, kind of goes out the window when they pull crap like this. This just seems like it’s tailored to feed straight men’s fantasies.

  4. Thumb up 3

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    u should’ve talked about Jay’s banana costume ..
    wtf it’s so pointless to go to Lesbians & Gays party not an lgBt one with a BF wearing banana costume !!
    and she is the monkey…..

    • Thumb up 4

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      As long as Romi does not self-identify as bisexual, I am not going to do it for her. Jay might be an exception, she really might be just bi-curious, homo-flexible or whatever. Romi´s sexual identity is hers to define! So if she still feels that it is more acurate to label herself as a lesbian, everyone should be okay with that.

      What I really found hilarious (in a bad way) about this episode is, that the old biphobic nonsense “she´s just doing it for attention” also works the other way around: You know, bisexual girls are mostly accused to “do it for attention” of the man, but according to Sara Romi is just doing it to get a girl (Whitney). Yay, progress… o__O’

      • Thumb up 9

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        You think it’s really okay for her to identify as a lesbian when she is in two long term relationships in a row with men, she gushed on the show about how she’s great at giving blow jobs, and she basically said that strap on sex with a woman couldn’t compare to sex with a real dick….i.e. lesbian sex isn’t as good or real as straight sex?? She’s not a lesbian.

        I feel bad that she’s the only representation of bisexuality on the show, because she’s a pretty shitty example and bisexual girls don’t have very many good representations out there, but she’s not a lesbian.

        • Thumb up 4

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          The thing is, that labels almost always fail to describe the complexity of a human sexuality and life. We also don´t know Romi in real life, we can´t take a look inside her heart & brain and then deside what label she MUST pick for herself.

          Like I stated before, she might or might not still prefer one gender over the others and her last two relationships might or might not be an exception. So yes, I think there is a possibility that “lesbian” would make the most acurate label from her point of view. And if not, she is still the one who is in charge to re-label herself, not us, because ther are so many to pick from: Pan-, omni-, ambisexual, flexible, fluid, biamorous, ac/dc, pomosexual and so forth.

          Now on you other point I totaly agree, she was extremly insensitive, no simply cruel, to degrade the sexuality between women! Yes, sex is diffrent, but it does not make one less valid, less real or less beautiful.

        • Thumb up 2

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          I know this is wayyyy after the fact, but I totally agree with you. I wouldn’t presume to tell someone what label they should use. It was mostly everyone else’s attitude towards a queer woman who sleeps with men that was making me want to cry.

    • Thumb up 1

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      I kind of hoped that we were just going to get Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman instead. I hated that show… but compared to tRLW it seems like gold. This could lead into a great new style of Real L Word “recaps” where people just tell you what they were watching/doing/eating on Thursdays at 10 PM ET/PT.

      THANKS FOR TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM RIESE! (I’m tempted to ask someone to recap how many drinks they had to take so I can catch up.)

  5. Thumb up 8

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    What are the odds that a girl named Somer would be married to a girl named Donna? DONNA SOMER!

    Also, Zoobilee Zoo reference ftw!

    Also also, not feeling Romi’s monkey costume at all. She looks more like a very thin bear-cat-type thing?

  6. Thumb up 14

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    re the strap on comment: ugh.
    also, on the night this premiered, I was closing in on 38 hours without sleep and passed out on my friend’s living room floor as the episode started. according to my lovely friends, their dogs would wake me up now and again, and in my sleepy stupor I’d say something along the lines of “how MANY FUCKING times can we WATCH MOTHERFUCKERS break up, ILENE?!” I have no recollection of this.

  7. Thumb up 11

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    Oh, and am I the only one who gets the impression that the producers are trying really hard to make this whole Whitney/Sara/Romi thing mirror the Bette/Tina/Jodi thing from TLW? With the whole Romi/Whitney juxtaposition at the beginning of the episode, to Romi’s constant bitching about how Sara has corrupted Whitney into thinking Romi is evil, it’s like the writers are trying to edit the series in such a way so as to brainwash the audience, Romi, and Whitney into believing that the two of them are somehow meant to reuinite like Bette and Tina did after Tina’s adventures in man-land.

    It’s like IC is saying, “Everything that happened in The L Word happens in real life, so that’s why it’s called The REAL L Word! Watch as Jay artfully trims his toenails over Romi’s coffee table in episode 5, making her realize that men are disgusting, and what was she thinking, just like Tina did in season 4 of my groundbreaking series!”

  8. Thumb up 1

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    So much ridiculousness. It’s all so ridiculous. I wonder if anyone ever ran it by IFC how many ridiculous things she has done that could have been avoided. This was hilarious Riese. And the pics well worth the wait! I’d say never stop recapping things – ever – but that may not be the best idea for your sanity or whathaveyou so…
    Also I would like to touch Somer.

  9. Thumb up 3

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    i semi-recently acquired a torrenting thingy and like i download ALL the things but honestly i just won’t let this show anywhere near my hard drive so i just stream it. it’s that bad, you guys.

    also the lady with pink hair scares the shit out of me for some reason. also i know jay was insensitive about the LGBTQ event but did anyone else get a queer vibe from him. maybe he’s just happy-gay and not buttsex-gay, but either way the banana costume was an excellent obfuscation device.

  10. Thumb up 1

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    Please tell me where I can watch this? I’m living in the UK…argh, I know I shouldn’t have this addiction to watch it but I can’t help it!! So yeah, please feel free to send on your (free) links :) xx

  11. Thumb up 3

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    will I continue watching this show?No,doubt it. Did I enjoy this recap?yes,as always! Am I a little disappointed that Ms. Mixter did not use this rhetorical device as often as I expected her to? fuck,yeah!

  12. Thumb up 3

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    Loved the recap! This show gets faker by the second, its really sad that the producers have to force these love triangles and “dramatic” situations, but on the other hand its fun to make fun of it.

    I don’t think Romi’s “boyfriend” is actually her boyfriend or even a heterosexual. I think he was just brought in to add to the conflict and show some representation of bisexuality or not labeling your love life.

  13. Thumb up 1

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    This has to be the best RECAP in all RECAPS history. I was trying to keep my laughter at bay considering I am at work, it was very difficult.

    One question for anyone who watches the show?
    Did Alyssa not say in previous seasons that she was dating a MAN!? I could have sworn she did as she is one of the only characters I actually listen to when she speaks (besides Kasey and Cori)
    Anyways I saw in the blogoshphere somewhere that she is engaged to a woman for 6 years!

  14. Thumb up 2

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    YES. This recap is all my feelings. All of them. Miraculous. A+ gold star.
    I was so disturbed by the Romi hetero sex scene. I was a little terrified I would have to see a penis.
    I cried during all of the Kacy/Cori scenes. Well, actually, I was sobbing.

    I agree with the person above who stated their crush on Kelsey. I want to have her babies. Or, she can have mine. Or something. Her style is rad.

  15. Thumb up 5

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    “Now, bisexual women are glorious humans near and dear to my heart and vagina and former self-identification and personal history and reading list, but MEN, on the other hand? I hate men. Reader, let me be honest with you: this show’s single redeeming factor was its consistent lack-of-men. It rarely subjected me to the thoughts or feelings of modern man, let alone their sexual desires, let alone actual heterosexual sex, which I maxed out on personally between the years of 1998 and 2005 and in any event I could watch heterosexual sex on every other show ever made about anything, ever. Can’t we get one corner of the sky?”

    AMEN. I thought I was going to spend this whole week focused on putting words such as these together and trying to convince myself that other people might feel like this too.

    • Thumb up 3

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      it’s so true and such awesome commentary and i want to commend riese on handling the issue so well while still being so hilarious, but honestly i can’t do anything right now because i don’t think i will ever stop giggling over “let alone actual heterosexual sex, which I maxed out on personally between the years of 1998 and 2005.” every single time i thought about that line today i started giggling uncontrollably to myself, like i had a beautiful shiny secret that no one could ever tarnish.

  16. Thumb up 2

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    Oh my gawd these recaps are perfect, I don’t have Showtime Riese but I look forward to your snarky interpretations of the episodes! Also, my straight twin sister finds these recaps just as hilarious as I do! (although I have to spend a lot of time explaining these crazy bitches to her, haha)

  17. Thumb up 1

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    This recap is the most amazing thing and perfectly conveys my sentiments about this episode.

    New favorite characters: 1)Laura 2) Laura’s nose ring 3) Stock Footage of New York (long-lost sister of Stock Footage of LA)

  18. Thumb up 1

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    LOL @ recaps… I just want to know how many bottles it took riese to get through, while writing all of that and who won the drinking game? Hell, it takes me like an hour just to think about what I want to write in the comment sections on here sometimes, I can’t imagine recapping 3 pages worth. If only I was a fly on the wall…

    On a related note, this whole LA versus NY thing reminds me of the scene from the movie Deliverance,”Dueling LES{Band}hO’S” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myhnAZFR1po&feature=youtube_gdata_player). I’d kill to see a photoshop of that scene, please make it happen!

  19. Thumb up 2

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    Thank you! I kept on wanting to yell at Romi – you’re bisexual, there’s nothing wrong with that. Just admit it! The strap-on blow job bit was also hilarious. I just loved Alyssa’s face.

    Kelsey is looking cute and it looked like she was on a mac…hopefully that means she’s gainfully employed.

  20. Thumb up 7

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    i want you to know that i watched this show and i played your drinking game and i was HAMMERED before 10:30 and kept saying “that’s two of whitney’s girlfriends in the same room DRINK” and megan kept saying “is ilene chaiken gay? why is …. what is .. this… ?” and then i had the biggest hangover on friday.

    but it was all worth it for this recap obviously.

    can you think back to when you would watch friends on thursday nights and then imagine telling yourself then that in 15 years you’d be watching this shitshow instead? i mean where’s the ross of trlw, is what i’m really asking. where’s my lesbian ross?

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      I second Megan’s comments on this! I watched it (well, tried to) on Saturday morning and I actually had to fast forward through parts in order to keep my sanity intact! Pretty sure IFC is a robot controlled by a rich, white guy. Sadly, drinking at 9am didn’t seem like a wise idea.

  21. Thumb up 9

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    That most people read the recaps without watching the show is the only reasonable explanation I can think of for why we’re not talking about that Brooklyn girl’s mystifying RAP intro in that one scene.

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      Yes this was strange. But I actually think I know this girl from college. She does improv and is hilarious and I would actually watch the show if she were to be featured. For now the recaps will suffice.

  22. Thumb up 4

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    Is it me or did Kelsey’s comment on Romi’s thing sound forced? I feel like Kelsey was asked to be filmed, and on the first shot she was like “oh, ugh, this is off-putting,” and no member of the crew was satisfied. So, to prompt her a little more, they asked her “how do you feel about Romi dating a guy?” and she said “I don’t like it, I’d rather not keep looking at these photos, I saw them already like two months ago.” BUT THAT WAS NOT ENOUGH, so they kept asking her until she was like “OMG OK FINE HERE ARE SOME FEELINGS I AM LATE FOR BRUNCH NOW CAN I GO?”

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      the whole thing felt super-weird and staged. i mean, also, like, who sits at a table looking at facebook photos while being followed around by cameras? obvs they’re not following her around this season, so they had to “set up” that scene to begin with. her logic was a little off, i felt, which made me feel like she didn’t necessarily pick those lines herself.

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          Ha, the very first trailer of season 3 was staged (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-M0MRKJBqE), look how Whitney stutters over “East Coast versus West Coast.” All starting @ 10 seconds into it, then @ 12 seconds they turn the camera off her face in an attempt to avoid that scripted mistake (she lost her lines!), while glossing over it as if to “correct” it with an awkward, “Yeaahh” from Whitney. Comical, really.

  23. Thumb up 2

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    “or how about i come all over your face, huh? how about that?”

    Haaa! You made me spit out my water at work with that one. I also saw the jealous, clingy girlfriend and tall wife (I’ll call her that since she has no personality yet) look over at those two in the corner. I wonder if it will come out later that Somer & Kiki hooked up. Ali is McClingy big time! She needs to stop doing ‘duck face pouty puss’ and chill out. She looks like Sean Penn in his new 80′s emo movie when she looks all pissy. Not even the cake can make up for that “pay attention to meeeeee” whine.

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    so i’m doing this thing where i’m watching a scene then reading part of the recap then watching a scene hten reading the recap because it’s the only way i can make the show in any way palatable.

    at first i was furious with you for the initial bit about romi’s relationship, but then as i watched the storyline unfold i found myself confused and embarrassed for romi and anyone who has ever dated anyone in the world of any gender ever. now i’m just furious with the show for once again completely failing to get the picture, for making bisexuals look like completely greedy, indecisive douchebags, and with myself for watching it. this is SO problematic and gross to watch and i want to throw up all over romi for just being a terrible example.

    why can’t we have ONE? like, just one?

    hey hunter valentine practice around the corner from my old apartment, that’s neat.

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      Nope, accept the ultimate truth: Only vampires and other crazy ass murderers happen to be bisexual! They fuck and kill anyone and everyone and also steal their cakes, because they are creepy and greedy like that. Just like YOU! (Or ME, for that matter ;))

      [sarcasm off]

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        ok, i thought about it and the comment below this one kind of drives it home. i don’t agree with the way the show is portraying romi’s relationship and explaining her sexuality, but i also think the reaction to it is disturbing.

        on a better show, this could be a brave thing for romi to be doing. nobody expects this show to not be problematic and insulting in explaining ANYTHING, so this horrible and potentially harmful handling of this situation is not surprising. what i am surprised by is the reaction to it.

        yeah, i don’t want to see romi fucking her boyfriend on screen but i don’t want to watch whitney fucking her girlfriend either – and i especially didn’t want to watch rachel masturbating last season. the sex on this show feels voyeuristic, exploitive and uncomfortable for everybody involved, regardless of gender.

        as a community who are so discriminated against and marginalized, i can understand wanting a show that is just for lesbians – but i’d think you’d want it from a better show. i’d also think that if the show presents something slightly outside the lesbian box (no pun intended), the community wouldn’t go so far as to make a statement like “this show’s single redeeming factor was its consistent lack-of-men.” I GET IT, it’s a [terrible] lesbian show, it really is, and this community deserves to have its stories told well, but if this were a heteronormative television show and people reacted to a character dating/fucking a person of the same sex (or a transperson) the way you are reacting to this relationship, you would all be completely horrified. this seems like unusually closed-minded behaviour from a community i’d expect more from. this is actually an experience people HAVE IN REAL LIFE, sexual identity fluctuation, and even if romi is acting like a crazy person and saying harmful things and jay seems like a twat, that’s more because they are questionable people on a terrible reality show and not because men are gross in general. which is too bad because i think the whole community deserves better.

        i’m also really sorry i’m having so many feelings about something that happened on the real l word. it’s been one of those days.

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          I don’t quite know how to articulate everything I fell about this show, but I do know that I want to start out by saying that the Real L Word isn’t gay or lesbian or queer or bi or questioning-positive, but that’s it’s just television.

          The only underlying assumption that explains all of these cringe-inducing scenes and the god-awful fakery is just that it’s television: a money-making medium that pays for consultants and focus groups, and tries to strategically analyze the wishes of corporate sponsors and viewers (consumers) in order to maximize audience and revenues.

          I can get wrapped up in the fake dramas written around these characters played by the honest peeps/opportunists/”don’t-know-what-to-do-with-life-but-I’m-young-so-what-the fuck” young people who “act” in this Ilene Chaiken thang. I could go on forever analyzing scenes for the meanings of the dialogue of the characters.”

          But it’s all just bullshit. It’s TV. It’s Ilene Chaiken and her ambitions; it’s IFC (or whoever, I haven’t owned or followed TV in over a decade), or the sponsors.

          What makes me return to these recaps is Riese’s commentary– and I won’t disrespect it by calling it snark– she speaks for many of us when she nails all the bullshit and damage to the community engendered by the rank falsity of the “dramas” of the episodes.

          I eagerly read the commentary from the AS community because in the comments I find opinions and viewpoints that I did or didn’t know I had, but which make me feel like I’m one of a powerful, intelligent, active community confronting the baseline bullshit of the world we live in and that we’re trying to change. It reassures me and it gives me energy to keep fighting the good fight.

          I know that every time I decide to read the recaps of a new season that I’ll be appalled by what kind of bullshit Ilene Chaiken or IFC is spreading, but I know I will find myself among a bunch of real people responding in real and intelligent ways to the endless distortion of our community and communities.

  25. Thumb up 1

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    I knew this was going to be amazing when I saw the Belle-Whitney reading Tucker Max graphic.

    Also, anyone else think Summer Heights High when SAHrah goes off on her tangent about Romi dating men for attention? Ja’mie forever.

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      If Chris Lilley did his own Real L Word mockumentary, I’d cry happy joy fountains from my eyes and pants. So much love for Ja’mie.

      Also, I know the pregnancy thing is being spun as ‘representing all walks of lesbian life’ but this is messed up. I feel like I can see Chaiekieneain (i don’t know how you spell it so I just used all the letters) getting moist in the corners of her mouth over the ratings she can pull in through their heartache. We all know what’s coming, anyone watching the show probably knows what’s coming, and here it is, cut and paste together for maximum impact. Fuck.

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        Completely agree. The juxtaposition between the vapid storytelling and real life, authentic pain is just too much. It’s like watching Philadelphia on movie of the week and perusing Snooki & JWoWW on commercial breaks. Not that it’s a representation on who these people are outside of the show, but it’s like, how can you dramatize one next to the other? I expect to be think-screaming YOU DO NOT HAVE PROBLEMS, more than usual.

  26. Thumb up 2

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    I have never watched the Real L Word and I can’t say I ever will, but your recaps are incredible. This article made me laugh so much. It also made me incredibly thankful that my life is nowhere as exciting as the lives of all the Real L World people. I mean, the drama! The stress! How do they find time to read and knit and sit and contemplate life and do all the other old-lady things I like to do!

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      It’s true! If I were a “real” lesbian with all of these appearances to make and drama to stir up I would never have time to go jogging and take care of 6 pets! Am I doing something wrong here?

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      TRUTH. Though I’m not surprised in the slightest, this is The Real L Word after all.

      Also I super cringed when I realized the bar that Kiyomi and Ali were fighting and then sexing in is one that I’ve snuck into before…ew

  27. Thumb up 2

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    I love these recaps so much! I am one of the annoying ones who cannot stand to watch the show but the recaps make my life.

    Cori, Kasey and Kelsey are the only ones I don’t want to hurt. Well and Alyssa Whitney Whisperer.

  28. Thumb up 3

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    of course no one is like this, and of course every girl who sleeps with girls are not like these girls. because they are edited in order to fulfill recognizable labels or stereotypes of mass audiences. trust me i’m from smalltown illinois, and yes “i don’t know any lesbians like this!” but now i live in LA, and i know OF some lesbians who dress like this. Because of fashion/roles/wanting to fit in, etc. Like humans.

    unfortunately this show does make people into roles that reflect the biggest problems of lgbt acceptance in society: visibility, civil rights, and marriage/equality, etc, etc… they reflect the biggest problems because the show is designed carefully to appeal to MASS audiences. highest distribution possible this means a “gay white chick” or “straight white chick” can look at the character of (whitney?) and see parts of her behavior reflected there. Or just her hats. Whatever it is, we like to see the dopple gangar. We like to see what is like us. So that our ego dissipates, stops fighting what our eyes are interpreting and we keep watching, plain and simple. Zombie/media, that’s what they’re trying to do here. for $$$ you see.

    **Mostly these small reflections of ourselves, with great distortion, are achieved through extra creepy distortion called franken-editing. (taken from frankenstein, the human monster built from parts who terrorized everyone but then at some point turned out to be slightly abused, scared, and really nice?). Franken-editing happens when they take small phrases or even single words and edit them together to create a new phrase, sentence, or word. Reality tv characters are franken-edited all the time. Listen carefully. This is not what you are like or what you are supposed to be like. Or even what you could be like unless a third party franken-edited the hell out of you.

    Welcome to Showtime trying to sell you yourself. No wonder people are angry that it’s not them. You got that right.

  29. Thumb up 1

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    I’m glad there’s at least some representation/discussion of bisexuality on the show now.

    However, I got distracted and slightly drifted off after the mention of Clea Duval. And it’s ironic that you used a scene from Cast Away, since I watched that this afternoon.

    I can’t decide if I’m going to watch it this season or not. Maybe I’ll just read the recaps and call it a day.

  30. Thumb up 6

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    south by Southwest, where Hunter Valentine is going, is in mid-March 2012 (also the weather in nyc looked like sort of grey, march-ish). the lgbt party romi & jay went to was for halloween in October 2011. and based on the photos, kelsey’s scene must have been filmed in december or early january, and romi and kelsey were back together by january then broke up at some point because now she is with that guy dusty, i don’t know. cori got pregnant in august 2011, they say she’s four months in at the doctors appointment, so their scenes must have been filmed in december 2011, the tragedy happened on xmas. lauren’s lyon launch party was in february 2012, amanda was at the launch party where lauren appears in this episode, saying she can’t wait for amanda to move to los angeles from new york.

    so basically there are scenes in this episode from four different months, there is no time, and i cannot believe that i actually know all of that information (i had to look up the lyon jewelry thing but the rest i already knew), this is actual physical evidence of my brain decaying from the inevitable effects of saturation in a thing. or that “detective” is secretly my favorite game

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    Those recaps are the reason I keep watching this show. Like the podcast recap by The Planet were the reason I kept watching The L Word. If you haven’t listen to those, go find them on iTunes.. NOW!
    One thing I noticed, it seems to be only Caucasian chicks this seasons, only Kyiomi has some Japanese heritage that are slightly visible.
    So far, I am only interested in Lauren that I think is a time bomb and will blow the hell out of some other cast member soon like Season 2 Claire could only dream about.
    I found it horrible to watch K&C scenes when you know what happened. I can’t take watch it and they used to be the only one I liked to watch. I seriously hope Lil Chicken is not going to edit their tragedy, please tell me the cameras were off when it happened.

  32. Thumb up 2

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    This freaking Amanda and Lauren story is EXACTLY THE SAME as the beginning of last season with Francine and what’s her face. What the H? And seriously, NOTHING HAPPENS in these shows. We’re two shows in and we don’t know anything about these people except who they sometimes have sex with. It’s like the L Word Season 6 boring Planet conversations all over again.

  33. Thumb up 0

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    why can’t the show just be about kelsey, alyssa, and somer? if i hear one more word about pregnancy i’m just gonna puke. corci are basically ozzie and harriet the lesbian edition. i hate when dykes imitate straight couples. whitney and sadda just get more and more boring. romi really makes me want to hurl, YOU ARE BISEXUAL, ADMIT IT, and your denigration of lesbian sex pisses me off. Jay is just utterly repellent, in looks and attitude, and i’m sure he’s never given Romi one genuine orgasm in her life (I said genuine for a reason, I’m sure she fakes it all the time to please his ugly hairy ass). kiyomi is a TOTAL jerk…I hate it when lesbians get praise and adoration for acting like straight male douchebags. Oh, and lastly and most stupidly, kelsey is soooo hot and seems like a sweetheart…she deserves an amazing girlfriend (ie the opposite of romi). my girlfriend lindsey and i watch the show just for her…sucks we rarely see her now!

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