Welcome to the 2013 Academy Awards Liveblog and Open Thread! Are you at an amazing Oscars party with tons of friends? I’m in my living room with a bunch of takeout and towels over the bottom of the windows so it isn’t freezing in here. Yay Oscars!
You may recall from our Golden Globes Liveblog that I hadn’t seen any of the movies nominated. Well the impressive display of acting captured my attention and encouraged me to see all of the Best Picture nominees this year. Just kidding, I spent the next week obsessing over Jodie Foster coming out and then resumed my life as normal. I did manage to see at least a few more of the nominees, including but not limited to that five hour torturefest Zero Dark Thirty, the potentially entirely made up but based on a true story Argo and the delightful Silver Linings Playbook which I want to win Best Picture even though it doesn’t have a prayer.
I’m rooting for SLP or Argo for tons of categories, but I think Lincoln will likely clean up. I didn’t see Lincoln because I have the attention span of a fourth grader. I should point out that one of the guys I go to med school with was involved in Beasts of the Southern Wild, so obviously if they win I will be equally excited. I’m preparing an Oscars related nickname for him in anticipation already. In case you forgot the nominees, here are some categories people seem to care about. I also feel generally positive feelings about Django Unchained and Les Mis.
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Silver Linings Playbook
Zero Dark Thirty
Life of Pi
David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Ang Lee, Life of Pi
Steven Spielberg, Lincoln
Michael Haneke, Amour
Benh Zeitlin, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Naomi Watts, The Impossible
Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty
Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Emmanuelle Riva, Amour
Quvenzhané Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Daniel Day Lewis, Lincoln
Denzel Washington, Flight
Hugh Jackman, Les Miserables
Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook
Joaquin Phoenix, The Master
Best Supporting Actress:
Sally Field, Lincoln
Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables
Jacki Weaver, Silver Linings Playbook
Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Amy Adams, The Master
Best Supporting Actor:
Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained
Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Master
Robert De Niro, Silver Linings Playbook
Alan Arkin, Argo
Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln
Here are some other categories I actually care about, my choice indicated by **.
Best Original Screenplay:
Zero Dark Thirty
Best Animated Feature:
The Pirates! Band of Misfits
Brave** [was under-nominated overall]
Best Original Song
“Before My Time” from Chasing Ice
“Everybody Needs A Best Friend” from Ted [skyfall was a better song but how funny would this be?]
“Pi’s Lullaby” from Life of Pi
“Skyfall” from Skyfall** [Getting Adele closer to EGOTing]
“Suddenly” from Les Misérables
Best Animated Short
Adam and Dog
Head over Heels
Maggie Simpson in ‘The Longest Daycar’ [Again, would be hilarious if it won]
To read all the nominees, you can read them here.
The show starts at 8:30pm EST with all sorts of preshow starting at 7pm EST
7:40PM I know the show doesn’t start for almost an hour but I am in legitimate Oscar Overload, I’ve got a bottle of Rosé, Chipotle on the way and I really just want to look at dresses!
7:45PM I have companions tonight!
Me: How would you like to be referred to tonight? By your name or as “my friend”?
My Friend: As “my friend… the best and most prettiest person I know.”
Let’s see what other people are up to!
I will be live tweeting me not watching the Oscars.
— Jamie J. Hagen (@Jamiejhagen) February 25, 2013
— Barack Obama (@BarackObama) February 25, 2013
— Unicorn Plan-It (@UnicornPlanIt) February 25, 2013
— Haviland Stillwell (@MissHaviland) February 24, 2013
That’s right! The lovely Miss Haviland is performing at the Oscars tonight!
7:50PM: Did anyone else just see that comercial about the guy who “Tooth Picks” for a living?! Like he makes things out of tooth picks.
OK found it online. This is the most important Oscar moment of the night.
7:55PM: Kristin Chenoweth is too cute hosting the red carpet. She just let Hugh Jackman pick her up. She screamed, “Wolverine did it!!”
8:05PM: Quvenzhané Wallis is carrying a puppy purse I think.
Me: [to my gay guy friend] You will be playing the part of the person who keeps saying all the male actors are gay
My friend: But they are all gay.
8:30PM: And we open on the big show!!
8:35PM:I really like Seth MacFarlane so someone please tell me if I shouldn’t. I thought Ted was really funny and went to RISD which is in Providence where I live!! Unfortunately he’s kind of tanking on his opening monologue. This is awkward.
8:36PM: Oh no!! Too soon with the Chris Brown and Mel Gibson jokes. This is awkward.
Oh thank God. The terrible opening is actually a joke! Huzzah!
William Shatner: “Why can’t Tina and Amy host every year”
Annndd cue the song about boobs.
8:40PM: Also Seth MacFarlane may have just come out? Was he already out? Is he gay? In other news, who knew Charlize Theron and Channing Tatum could dance? Just kidding. Every celebrity can dance. Haven’t you people seen Dancing with the Stars?
I’m also now convinced sock puppets are the funniest thing on the planet.
This remind me of the time I re-enacted Kafka’s “In The Penal Colony” using sock puppets in high school.” #oscars
8:45PM:I’m thoroughly enjoying Daniel Radcliffe and Joseph Gordon Levitt soft-shoeing. I can get behind this.
William Shatner: “Are you sure you want the be the only Oscar host to ever get a bad review?”
Like what… other than when Anne Hathaway and James Franco hosted? Because that was the worst ever.
8:48PM:Octavia Spencer looks lovely announcing Best Supporting Actor
My Friend: Oh. I thought that Tommy Lee Jones was nominated for Men in Black IV…
But it’s not! Christoph Waltz wins Best Supporting Actor for Django Unchained. More importantly the camera just panned to Jack Nicholson and he looks completely stoned out of his mind.
Also someone please fix Quentin Tarantino’s collar?
8:57PM: Neither Melissa Mccarthy nor Paul Rudd is wearing their real hair today. They’re announcing Best Animated Film. I’m rooting for Paperman… and Paperman wins Best Animated Short!.
9:00PM: Brave wins for Best Animated Film! In case you missed it, the winner just thanked her daughter, they panned to the daughter and she had lipstick on her cheek kiss from mom style!
9:04PM: They’re showing a clip of Les Mis and in honor of it I’ve got a lovely picture of Haviland back stage!!! Yay Haviland I can’t wait to see you on my TV!!
9:08PM: Hurrah for the Avengers! I loved it. Also this line-up goes Tux, Tux, Tux, Tux, Bad-ass Samuel L. Jackson. Either way, Life of Pi wins for Cinematography and Lucius Malfoy stands up to receive the award. In med school, we call the way he’s talked “Pressured Speech.” Calm down bro. No one’s gonna take it away from you.
9:10PM: I feel like they tried to get the Avengers guys to do a George Clooney/Brad Pitt buddy buddy goof off vibe but instead it was just awkward. Oh, and Life of Pi wins for Best Visual Effects. Life of Pi is cleaning up. Also the walk off music is officially hilarious horror move music.
9:17PM: Jennifer Aniston you can talk about waxing any time. Or announce Best Costume Designer for Anna Karenina. It beat all sort of things like Mirror Mirror and Snow White and the Huntsman. What was Mirror Mirror? Oh right. The OTHER remake of Snow White.
9:22PM: Congratulations to the hairstylists and make-up artists who just won an academy award for cutting everyone hair off in Les Mis. Too bad Tami Lane didn’t win.
Halle Berry just said Pussy on TV! Do we think she got the courage and power to do so from her amazing shoulder pads? I am loving this Bond tribute! The word from the med students is that none of us have seen many Bond movies because none of us can follow them. These people are going to be your doctors.
9:25PM: Dame Shirley Bassey is performing, this is so exciting. Just kidding, I have no idea who this is. I googled it. She sings bond songs. I hope Adele comes out soon.
‘Jane Eyre’ is unfortunately not nominated tonight because it didn’t come out this year and was fucking terrible #Oscars2013
— The Onion (@TheOnion) February 25, 2013
9:30PM: I’d like to claim I care as much about the live action short films as I do about the animated one but I don’t. Also I forgot to watch them. Curfew wins for Best Live Action Short. If you told me the guy accepting was a member of a eight piece electronica folk bluegrass band I would believe you.
9:35PM: Did anyone else just hear the girl from Best Short Documentary Inocente try to start thanking people after the camera panned away and the music started. It’s like, it’s over. But seriously, jokes aside I’m so glad they won. But it was funny.
9:40PM: My attention span is too short to even watch the trailer for Lincoln. The worst part is that when it probably wins I’m going to have to see it. I mean, presidential movies always win.
9:45PM: I like how Ben Affleck is announcing the Best Documentary. You know, because his movie was based on a true story and 85% made up. But I loved it anyways. Searching for Sugar Man wins. I really want to see it.
9:50PM: You know this award show is getting boring because my friends and I somehow ended up talking about transmission of Herpes and diagnosing the gaits of people walking onscreen (shuffle gait). Oh med students.
My friends and I are fighting. I think Jessica Chastaine and JGarn have most beautiful dresses ever. My friends think they look like ridiculous clown women. They announced Amour winning for best foreign film. Well obviously. It is nominated for Best Picture.
9:52PM: Let’s get to the part where Haviland sings. I’m bored.
9:54PM:Oh! It’s time! I think…? It’s a whole movie musical medley! It’s Chicago first, I loved this movie. Love love loved it. can’t even begin. I’m on edge of my seat. I’m doing so many jazz hands right now.
9:58PM: Catherine Zeta Jones just had her crotch in some dancer’s face a la Silver Linings Playbook.
10:00PM: I just want everyone out there in TV land to know that I just got teased by all my friends for singing along to “That Jazz” but then they proceeded to sing along with JHud. So. We all have our vices. Come onnnn. It’s time for Haviland to come out!! Haviland! Haviland! Haviland!
10:02PM: Yay it’s Les Mis time! It’s Wolverine! Thank God it’s not Russel Crow. I couldn’t watch another constipated song by him. Anne Hathaway’s hair looks like she going through her initial baby dyke phase before she exactly figures out how to have her perfect gay hair. Oh. There’s constipated Russel.
More importantly Amanda Seyfried dress looks like some hot bondage couture.
10:05PM:I SEE HAVILAND I SEE HAVILAND I SEE HAVILAND!!!!!
So that was totally surreal. I sang for and thought of every musical theatre actor I’ve ever worked with xoxo – and then fantine won. So!
— Haviland Stillwell (@MissHaviland) February 25, 2013
This is seriously amazing. Also everyone playing the Oscars Drinking Game should drink for Anne Hathaway crying.
10:10PM: During this comercial break I’d like to inform you that Autostraddle is officially a more accurate news source than the NYTimes.
10:11PM: It weird that Seth MacFarlane just introduced Ted because, um, he is Ted. Also if there is a Hollywood post-oscars orgie does Anne Hathaway cry tears of joy the whole time?
10:15PM: So the little fuzzy bear awarded Les Misérables Best Sound Mixing. And the winner for Best Sound Editing was… a tie? To Skyfall and Zero Dark Thirty. Do ties happen in the Academy Awards?
10:20PM: After that last Sound of Music joke I think we can officially agree that Seth MacFarlane hosting is just one long inside joke we only sort of get. At least we have the wonderful Christopher Plummer to announce Best Supporting Actress.
Everyone drink because Anne Hathaway just cried again upon seeing her own performance.
10:23PM: And Anne Hathaway wins best supporting actress. There’s a small group of gays frolicking around my living room celebrating right now. Well. Celebrating and pointing out her nipples. Who picked out that weird apron dress and floral diamond necklace.
“It came true” STOP TRYING TO MAKE ANNE HATHAWAY HAPPEN #oscars
Anne Hathaway reacts to Anne Hathaway winning circa 2001. twitter.com/BuzzFeedRewind…
— BuzzFeed Rewind (@BuzzFeedRewind) February 25, 2013
10:30PM: I couldn’t have been more bored by this college student presentation thing.
10:33PM:In other news, I think Seth MacFarlane just referenced 28 days. I briefly thought he was referencing a remake of it. Because it came out so long ago that it’s basically obsolete. And Argo wins for Best Film Editing but it took everything Sandra Bullock had in her.
10:36PM: Oh thank fucking god they’re letting us listen to Adele finally. I wish Haviland was on stage again. Honestly I think that was the Oscars really peaking.
10:40PM: And the universe agrees that Adele wins all the Oscars ever.
10:43PM: I always forget that Nicole Kidman is Australian until the moment she opens her mouth. I always assumer her voice should be like it is in Moulin Rouge. I almost feel like she’s just trying to trick me.
10:48PM: Daniel Radcliffe and KStew are presenting together! KStew: come out of the goddamn closet. Please. In other news, Daniel Radcliffe must hate it that every time he walks on stage anywhere they play the theme to Harry Potter. C’mon guys, give him a break. He’s trying to make a new career for himself. You don’t play the theme to The Princess Diaries every time Anne Hathaway walks out.
10:50PM: Lincoln just won for Best Production Design and the guy who accepted just thanked his wife Adele. Bro, didn’t you and your wife get the memo? No one but Adele is allowed to be named Adele anymore. Like how no one is allowed to be named Blue Ivy anymore. Not that anyone was.
10:52PM: Salma Hayek looks like an Alien tonight.
Costume change and off to parties ! You guys – this is srsly like a Hollywood fantasy montage right now that I am living… #Oscars
— Haviland Stillwell (@MissHaviland) February 25, 2013
10:57PM: Now for the In Memoriam portion of the Oscars, or as I like to call them, the Fuck He Died? I Am So Old portion. I really do love how they always include people who do behind the scenes stuff that the average joe might not know about but who is so important to the final picture. Can you tell I did costume design?
11:02PM: Wait. I was in the bathroom. Why is Barbra Streisand singing. Does anyone know? No… no one knows?
11:08PM: How can it be 10 years since Chicago won best picture. When did I get so old? Is there any chance Queen Latifah is going to take this opportunity to come out? It’s time. The cast of Chiacago awards Life of Pi the Oscar for Best Musical Score. Queen Latifah shouted it out so loud! Do we know why Renee Zellweger acted so shocked by the idea of reading the award winner?
11:10PM:This is a long award show. It’s late and there’s still so many awards!!
11:12PM: ScarJo sings? For a movie about climate change and icebergs? How did she get so perfect?
11:15PM:How did I miss the memo that Norah Jones performed the song from Ted? That’s too hilarious. Too bad Adele will win.
11:16PM: And there it is. Duh. I do love that she still cries when she wins. She’s got the O and the G all she needs is a Tony and an Emmy to get that EGOT!!
Off to party!! twitter.com/MissHaviland/s…
— Haviland Stillwell (@MissHaviland) February 25, 2013
11:23PM: Charlize Theron’s is rocking that alternative lifestyle haircut balls deep. Is this because she took an acting roll in order to win Best Actress Who Cut All Her Hair Off just like Anne Hathaway?
The Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay goes to Argo. I can’t believe that bro just donated his Oscar to everyone who solves problems nonviolently. That is so real. Nice work bro.
11:26PM: Now. Moonrise Kingdom better fucking win for Best Original Screenplay.
11:28PM: And it’s Quentin Tarantino for Django Unchained. Did the music just play and then Tarantino managed to stop the music and speak again? How is that possible? Is that magic? I feel like that’s the Oscars version of talking your way out of a speeding ticket.
11:35PM: And Jane Fonda takes the stage dressed as the entire decade of the 1980s. Slash maybe pit crew worker.
She announces Ang Lee winning Best Director for Life of Pi! You may remember Lee for directing the amazing life changing movie, Hulk. Okay and also Brokeback Mountain.
— Haviland Stillwell (@MissHaviland) February 25, 2013
11:41PM: I’ve been waiting all night to hear Best Actress awarded. I really think there’s a ton of talent this year. I want JLaw to win because, obviously. She just responded to watching her own scene like she’d never seen the scene before. Still, I wouldn’t mind seeing Quvenzhané Wallis win. I think we can all agree that would be amazing.
11:43PM: Holy shit! JLaw just won and then she fell on her way up! She bit it!!
Bradley Cooper is grinning like a Hatter because he knows JLaw winning gives him a shot.
11:45PM: Meryl Streep can do no wrong. She did, however, just pick a wedgie. But she was so great when she did it.
Meryl: And the Oscar goes to Daniel Day-Lewis
Me: What even was he in?
The entire room: Lincoln!!
11:54PM: Did the Oscars seriously manage to get Michelle Obama to announce an award?! I love that she is too badass to show up but she still gets to present. I feel like this is in response to Clinton at the Golden Globes. Also when Michele Obama says “no matter who you love” was she referring to those two total lesbians behind her?
11:56PM: The award for Best Picture goes to Argo. Wait, Argo?! I know it won the Golden Globe but who saw that one one coming? If we weren’t going to mentally jerk off Lincoln then I feel like we could have agreed it should have been SLP. Well, I really did love Argo. I can live with this.
In other news why is the producer who isn’t George Clooney or Ben Affleck talking for forever? Like we get it, you like Ben Affleck and think he should have been nominated for Best Director.
11:58PM: Now that Ben Affleck is speaking I just want to let everyone on the internet know that my sister-in-law sells cheese to him and JGarn. I think that’s the big takeaway from tonight.
12:01AM: At least we get to be sung out by Kristin Chenoweth in a costume change!
Good night. Argo fuck yourself.