Real L Word Episode 203 Recap: Back to Square One, Look What We’ve Become

Welcome to The Real L Word, Episode 203, “Blame it on the Alcohol,” named after the GLEE episode “Blame it on the Alcohol,” which was named after a song called “Blame it on the Alcohol” which was basically about when you do something unfortunate, and then say you only did it “because of the alcohol.”

Actually just kidding, it’s called “Back to Square One.” Before you get too excited, I should tell you that it’s not the Square One I thought it was.

not this square one

This week we re-learned that Real L Word Lesbians cannot handle their shit. These girls CANNOT. HANDLE. THEIR. SHIT. You girls need to get your shit together! Listen, take that zen-ninja-zoohoo-yazoo headband thing off your crazy alternative hairstyle situation and get off the stage and put your clothes on and stop letting strangers smell your hair.

No just kidding. Everyone on this show is really awesome and this show is SO AWESOME and it’s SO TOTALLY REAL. What’s cooler than real? Ice Real!

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We open in trolly playground childland, where only steps away from frolicking toddlers, Kacy & Cori are sitting on a couch holding a mobile telephone, talking about sperm.

yeah totally sperm, it's like sea monkeys for your uterus!

Kacy and Cori are gonna purchase the hell out of those sperm units they found on the internet. How many? One? Two? THREE! They will purchase THREE of those units, from a dude who’s an “ID Donor” which means when their baby is 18 and hates her Two Moms she can call The Sperm Guy and see if he wants to hang out. You know, The Sperm Guy!

mark ruffalo, honorary lesbian and "Sperm Guy"

Glad we got sperm into the show within the first ten seconds. Never wanna take too long to make a tip of the hat to this program’s fine audience of sperm-producers. Ilene Chaiken, by the way, is the creator, director, writer and executive producer of not only this “hit series” but the hit series The L Word and also of SPERM.

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Over in the Valley of Dashed Dreams, Claire’s trying on pants and Francine isn’t helping!

or no pants, too. is a thing.

Francine won’t be participating in Claire’s wardrobe dilemma because unlike Claire, Francine cannot simply set aside her feelings following Last Night’s illuminating life-changing fight of LESBIAN MEGADEATH and be like “yeah, wear those pants” or “wear those other pants.” You know?

look. your hair reminds me of van halen. okay? ok. i said it!

Claire has to move out, says Francine. They’ve been screaming at each other for so many years that both of them are getting permanent gravely-smokey-morning-after-death/sexy voices and it’s just not healthy.

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Things Real L Word Girls Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

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Over at The Nail Salon, Sajdah is getting a pedicure (butches get pedicures too, guys!) with her straight friend Marissa, talking crazy about her new lady-love, Chanel.

So! This morning Sajdah and Chanel were exchanging the standard “good morning” texts shared between two lovers who just met and aren’t lovers yet, when Chanel busted out with:

“I just want you to always be excited about us and about me and support me and protect me in my time of need and I know that I’ll do the same for you.”

Well.

What say you on this, Marissa?

mhm

Marissa: “These kinds of messages, in text? You don’t even know her favorite color! And you’re at — “I need you to protect me”? Get the fuck outta here! I mean, are you kidding me?”

Sajdah likes it. She can’t think about any other girls, so she might as well marry this one. That’s rare, you know. When you meet someone you really like and then can’t stop thinking about them.

Marissa: “Support me? Protect me? I don’t even know your favorite color! I don’t even know if you like night or day!”

Sajdah admits these are uncharted waters, as she’s never been in a relationship before and lived in a tiny cave with her mother prior to moving to Los Angeles where she never heard anything about anyone else’s relationships ever. Marissa has been in relationships, and what does Marissa think, again?

Final answer?

Not so fast:

That’s not what Bailey told Callie:

but it sure is nice if you have 'em anyhow

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

 

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Whitney’s taking a little trip to San Francisco. San Francisco is her “playground” which makes me feel weird and like maybe I should move. “San Francisco is my Vegas,” says Whitney Queen of the Nile and Queen of the Metaphor.

ass titties ass titties ass as titties ass ass and titties

Whitney’s going to The Lexington, which she describes as “The Cheers of Lesbians,” aka “the dive bar where every dyke knows your name.”  And if they don’t know your name then they probably won’t let you play next at pool. Sorry bro.

Oh guess who’s in San Francisco?

same song, second verse, a little bit louder and a lot less worse

Once upon a time, Jaq & Whitney had a thing but then this one time Whitney and Jaq were in bed being sexy and then Whitney spied Jaq on THE FACEBOOK changing her relationship status and Whitney was like:

Whitney says there’s still chemistry with Jaq. Wow! Life gets curiouser and curiouser by the minute.

because L.A. is clearly the problem

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Facebook

 

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Kelsey’s been sexually fantasizing about Romi all day whilst preparing a romantic candle-light dinner and now Romi has returned from the big bad world, sober as a judge, to spend the evening with her lanky lady-love.

Oh! Romi got Kelsey a present! It’s a planner!

Romi:It’s gonna help you!… You can organize your schedule and get all your shit in here!”

Mhm, this is kinda like when your Mom gets you shoes so that you can’t stay at home all day, talking to your imaginary fairy-friends from your fantasy novels. Kelsey loves it though, ’cause she loves Romi.

this dinner's great. are you trying to get laid?

Romi’s given up the drink, which’ll be an issue ’cause Kelsey is still drinking and also ’cause they’ve been drunk pretty much since they met. For example, Kelsey is drinking right now! From a giant wine bottle! A GIANT wine bottle!

i can't believe we can almost see kelsey's underpants. so inappropriate

Kelsey loves wine! Drink drink drink. Poor Romi, seeing the sad sad world as it is through her new sober eyes, is like “why is everyone drunk.”

After Romi’s Roman Bath, the ladies retire/drink:

what, it's manichevitz

Romi tells Kelsey that Kelsey is drunk, but Kelsey insists that nnnnahhh she’s justt FESTIVE!

just one game of hide the salami just one game

When Kelsey’s drunk, she reminds Romi of Romi. So then sex is like Black Swan. And also:

Most important takeaway of this scene, however – Romi’s like super tan all of a sudden:

get this woman a make-up job on "jersey shore"

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Facebook

Large Bottles of Wine

 

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Meanwhile, Whitney, wearing her Native Heatband, is stalking the streets of my city like a lesbian hulkstress of the evening, striking terror into everybody’s bones.

i thought this was maybe the rose part, and for a second i was like "i miss rose" and then i was like what the fuck is wrong with me

Hip-hop blares. Whitney enters CLUB TRIGGER, stands on stage, and yells some words. Everybody’s vadge explodes into the night. The party is on POW POW and Whitney’s gonna meet her fans and their tattoos! Whitney loves meeting her fans.

real fans have sleeve tattoos

“Girls always wanna smell my hair,” Whitney says, like she has no idea that it’s ’cause they wanna see if it smells so they can text everyone about it.

do we have to talk about this

Whitney wants to let Jaq know that Jaq still has “a place in [her] heart” and the way to Whitney’s heart is through her vagina.

Y’all, Whitney and Jaq are gonna have sex! I saw it on Jaq’s facebook. It’s gone now, but I swear it was there and I saw it and look:

backroom babylon

Whitney: “It’s refreshing to not have to deal with intense drama or confusing emotions.”

Whitney has simple emotions: she thinks about herself at all times. The rest of it is very confusing. This person’s emotions, that person’s emotions, etc. Yawn!

Good news! By placing her lips on Whitney’s lips and touching Whitney’s body parts with her body parts, Jaq is helping Whitney forget about all that trouble with Sara!

i give you the power of the jedi clam

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Speaking of the Red Devil! Sara’s in Los Angeles where she’s dancing very sexily for her “roommate’s music video.”

"this is my barbie goes to the cherokee reservation look"

Sara’s kicking back a bottle of vino, Kelsey-style, in her litte gold hotpants:

I’m not sure if you knew this or not, but our design director Alex Vega has those exact same golden hotpants. True story. She bought them the day that we met. See:

alex vega, just caught napping

Before we get any further you might be thinking — Sara’s roommate? Who’s Sara’s roommate? This seems like a pretty involved video shoot, right? Like this is for a music video. For Sara’s roommate. Yet searching “Sara’s roommate” on iTunes you’ll come up empty.

I know this might surprise you, based on how Showtime decided to use footage from an Autostraddle photoshoot without crediting us, our photographer, or the project the photoshoot was for — but OOPS! THEY DID IT AGAIN!

Check out Lady Tragik. Here’s Lady Tragik’s video of that shoot, featuring ‘Dirty Bitch,’ the song the video was for (which is not the song that plays during the episode, though you may recognize the episode song (which is not by Lady Tragik or related in any way to the scene) from, I think, a Calendar Girls video).

I guess Ilene Chaiken forgets that The Chart isn’t just about who you fuck, it’s WHO GETS FUCKED, too.

Anyhow back to the “storyline” as it’s being sold to us –

“I just met this girl Erica, and I’m pretty into her,” Sara voice-overs while tripping over the photoshoot set while guzzling wine, a la Lindsay Lohan at that one photo shoot where she was talking about Samantha Ronson except with more making out.

no see, that's not much, i should probably drink all of it myself

Sara’s roommate says Sara’s not allowed to do footage takebacks tomorrow when she’s sober. Shouldn’t be a problem, I think Sara’s pretty comfortable with widely-distributed footage of herself drunk touching her vadge.

accurate representation of my visual situation during the real l word

Sara: “Whitney’s doing her thing in San Francisco so I’m gonna do mine.”

Here’s “her’s”:

armsleeve by keith haring, tattoo sleeve by west hollywood

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Facebook

Large Bottles of Wine

Reasonably-Sized Bottles of Wine

 

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your shirt reminds me of the sunset, the kind i want to watch with chanel while she nurses our baby

Sajdah’s gotta find a new apartment. Maybe she’ll move in with whatshername.

Marissa: “It’s too soon!”
Sajdah: “Maybe I’m just that fucking amazing!”
Marissa: “Or maybe you’re fucking crazy too!”

Sajdah’s Mom calls to complain about Sajdah flaunting her sexuality on The Book of Face, which I’m imagining was in the form of an “I felt you in my legs before I ever met you/ And when I lay beside you for the first time I told you / I feel you in my heart and I don’t even know you” headline.

it's not like i'm pokin at you for real!

Sajdah: “Ma, it’s my personal facebook, everybody puts their personal stuff on facebook!”

That’s the thing about Moms of grown-up kids. They don’t realize that Facebook is where people put personal stuff, not just where they stalk their own children and other people’s children and then render unfair judgments about them to share with other Moms. Where’s your content, Mom.

Sajdah explains that growing up it was just Sajdah and her Mom. Just the two of them, building castles in the sky, just the two of them, and not one guy.

Sajdah seems to have faith her Mom will come around when she gets used to the idea. I’m sure this show will help.

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Facebook

Large Bottles of Wine

Reasonably-Sized Bottles of Wine

Mom

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RETURNING TO THE TRAVELING DEN OF SIN! Whit-Me is all sleepyslutted out and Jaq in the Baq slips in for a morning-after steamroller.

hi baby these weird guys with cameras are following me around asking me to take my shirt off

Jaq’s got to go, but Whitney wants to cuddle. JK, she wants to talk about herself in an impromptu bedside interview:

hot mess party dress

Whitney: “Jaq is very pleasant to be with. She hasn’t burned bridges with people, I don’t know it’s just different from things lately I’ve been used to.”

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Avatar of Riese

Riese is the 32-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City, and now lives in The Bay Area. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are!

Riese has written 1721 articles for us.

87 Comments

  1. Thumb up 0

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    I am so glad I decided to read this recap because I got to see a picture of Alex Vega in gold hotpants. I’m just saying I may have stared at said picture longer than is appropriate…

    Ahem.

    Hilarious recap as usual Riese!

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    I am so happy for Romi. After the strap-on-scene from first season she really got her story straight in this episode. She just doesn´t want to be filmed having sex and beeing drunk. She just wants to be sober for that. Makes sense. No one wants their parents to think that they are drunk sluts.

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          yeah, try mixing it up a bit. :P i agree with your point, though. no excuses this season for romi being soooooo wasted…Or sara either for that matter, who last season, in an AS interview, I believe, said she was concerned about her family seeing her butt in a shower, or even knowing she’s a lez. then this season, well….damn. i think they know she’s gay now, and i think we’ve all seen every inch of her by now, and thanks to alyssa’s passive aggressiveness (really more aggressive aggressiveness) we know she’s got falsies, too.

          so demure, those two.

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    Can we keep Marissa, the truth-teller? When she’s done trying to talk some sense into Sadjah she can go over to Claire’s and Whitney’s to tell them about themselves. Her parts were really the only enjoyment I got out of this episode. I’m really going to miss her next week.

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    “I have this nightmare where like, we’re on trial for same-sex marriage rights and the other side puts on an episode of The Real L Word and then like, fuck. Then what?!”

    If this show is not used against us in a court somewhere, I will be shocked!

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    this made me laugh hehe coz its really funny..
    i havent watch the season 2 because of some factors.
    but reading this just though made me work hard with my imagination is really fulfilling hehe
    keep it up.

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    A friend of mine gave me a planner as a gift once and I got all excited and happy because I’m weird and anal retentive. Also, I was in college at the time and had approximately 758 assignments a week to keep track of. Yay, organization!

    SQUARE ONE WAS ONE OF MY FAVORITE SHOWS EVER! To this day I still use some of the math tricks they taught me.

  7. Thumb up 0

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    It’s too funny how season 2 makes you miss TRLW season 1! You even got Racquel but no Stamie pic. Season 1 seems like a swell show in comparison to this second attempt. Marginally. I can’t stomach a 2nd episode of this season.

    I like the parts where you rhymed. :-3

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    Festen! And wayne’s world! ftw!
    oh, riese.. your recaps make it A LOT less painful to watch this crappy show.. they’re like, addictive.. like, a big bag of heroin in front af an addict.. and like, waiting for the next one is like.. taking a toll on my soul, man..

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    So, i usually watch the episode, and read the recap, but all the roomies are sleeping and I was too lazy for headphones, so i just read the recap, and i realized that watching this would have been awful, and probably have made Cat, the cat, mad because she hates headphones and stuff, but reading this made me feel good and and made Cat sit beside me and lick herself and now I understand.

    Yes, the cat is named Cat.

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    that was a loooot of dirty bitches for one room to control. seeing kelsey cry made me sad i thought she was never going to get laid.

    the pic of alex in golden pants just made all the bad (faded) memories of this episode go away. thank!

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    i can’t believe you just threaded this processing/sperm/WHITNEY/makeout/drink/actualPorn clip-show together with an ALMOST PLOT!!!

    brilliant. i tried to watch this last night, but could only handle sesytimes on mute.

    the only reason to watch this show is to give context for your recaps.

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      wow. it would have been the best plot twist EVAR if ifc forced everyone to go hang out in Mississauga (sprawling Southern Ontario suburbia).
      it’s like, the worst place in the world.

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    I think the show would be better if Marissa had been standing over the editor’s shoulders and calling them out for their stupidity.

    Marissa: “You know what, this is crazy.”

    Editor: “But Whitney–”

    Marissa: “Do your job right!”

    Editor: “But the sex–”

    Marissa: “TELL AN ACTUAL STORY!”

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    I’m going to start a non-profit which provides really lovely bras to girls appearing on national television in exchange for fugly knit hats and then perhaps this will be somewhat bearable to watch. Until then, your hilarious recaps will have to do. :)

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    I will NEVER tire of that joke. NEVER NOT EVER. In fact, when I was there last night and the pool table was covered with cute tiny brownies and baby carrots and whatnot, I thought fondly of Austria and other things.

    “And if they don’t know your name then they probably won’t let you play next at pool. Sorry bro.”

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    First things first. Marissa is GOLD. Like hotpants. BRING HER BACK.
    Not in the recap but when Vivian calls Claire selfish, Claire’s comeback is “Everyone keeps saying that. But I’m not!” or something to that effect. If everyone keeps telling you you’re selfish, maybe you need to rethink that. If anyone was watching the show with me while Sajdah was on the screen they would think I was having a seizure by how much she makes me roll my eyes. Will you be my girlfriend. Check yes or no? MAJOR EYE ROLL.
    I usually like Alyssa because I feel like she is the only person calling Whit on her shit. (haha, it rhymes!)But she just annoyed me this episode.
    I want to love Kaci and Cory but for the love of vagina, enough with the sperm already! Show editors, can we please learn something else about this adorably couple except that they need lots of super expensive sperm?
    I really want to like Kelsey but the sloppy drunk crying? Me no likey.
    Did anyone else notice the whack a mole during the opening sequence? My favorite part of the entire episode. Well that and Marissa’s This is Crazy!

  16. Thumb up 0

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    Being a teenager I really don’t see this show as any worse than any other reality show. I actually see it as an entertaining, slightly over dramatic look into the lives of lesbians living life.(And seeing lesbians leading “normal” lives is something my generation needs to be able to see given the suicide crisis ) I very much enjoy watching it and even though it can get ridiculous sometimes, life gets ridiculous sometimes and the people on and making this show are just people. They aren’t fucking saints. This show wasn’t made to get gay marriage passed it was made for money, entertainment, and to put something gay on tv.

    Also I am completely confused and horrified at how some people are so easily trashing some of these girls just for having sex on camera. Almost everyone has sex it’s a natural human function and if someone is comfortable enough to be filmed doing that then fucking go team. Calling someone a slut because of that is fucking stupid. That’s like making fun of someone who dances in public just because you only do it alone in your room.

    With that being said, I actually love these recaps.

    Also Claire should just fall of the face of the earth.

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      You can’t say people are wrong for not liking how the women have sex on camera and then say that Claire should fall of the earth.

      Also, speaking for myself, I do have an issue with the women letting the cameras film them doing personal private things. Yes, it is their choice and that’s fine. I don’t think they are sluts. But, I have more of an issue with that footage ending up on TV and it doesn’t matter that Showtime is a pay cable channel. I watch other reality TV shows and it’s different. Italian American-based organizations don’t really like Jersey Shore or Mob Wives…many women who like women aren’t feeling season 2. Sometimes criticism works like that. There is definitely something off about season 2 compared to season 1 and I think that’s where a lot of people’s issues come from.

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      fletcher, these lives are in no way normal. this is a case study in dysfunction, barring the baby mama wannabees. there is nothing genuine or “real” about this show. all of the storylines are contrived as hell, except the baby mammas again, who i’m sure talk about more than sperm. not that we’ll ever see that, of course.

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    I haven’t ‘laughed out loud’ reading something in a long time..

    THIS! made my day: “RETURNING TO THE TRAVELING DEN OF SIN! Whit-Me is all sleepyslutted out and Jaq in the Baq slips in for a morning-after steamroller.”

    hahahaha

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    MATHNET! I loved mathnet when I was little, but it didn’t actually teach me any math skills (why yes, I had to do remedial math after the second grade (which actually didn’t bother me cause I got to read more in summer school(yes, I’m a nerd(and I use parenthesis too much)))).

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    Everyone except Whitney and Romi get about 2-3 short scenes per episode. Francine has it the worst b/c I’m sure she does something important/interesting but the viewer would never know. The critic in me thinks that they only bother with Romi because she’ll eventually get naked and have sex on camera. Her journey to self discovery is important but I don’t think the people in charge really care. Why were new cast members even brought on?

    I want Scarlett back too…

  20. Thumb up 0

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    Oh my god this is just hilarious!!! WAHAHAHA!!! i just cant lol enough!

    You know everytime i watch the show and see whitney and her other tattoo-covered crew and chicks, i just wonder how they’re gonna look like 35 years from now – being a grandmama with the tattoos and all… CAN you just imagine?

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    “listen. if that butterfly clip is the metal plate between you and jehovah, you better tell me now”

    I laughed so hard I startled MYSELF. G*d bless these recaps.

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    All that wine messes with Kelseys voice, she is super “whiny” how are you going to cry and ask your gf to have sex with you. And if i EVER wrote on a paper and asked a girl “will you be my girlfriend” i would hope she give me the “are you fucking kidding” face. When people say weak ass shit to girls i just be like, “did this basic ass bitch honestly just fall for that”

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