Back over to Hanna’s, she and Mona are still getting their lying/BDSM practice on. This time they agree to have Hanna pretend that Ashley’s shoes were hers. They also agree to have Hanna’s safeword be “rutabaga.”
Now pick a number between one and 100.
Two Hanna? Really? You only want two spanks?
Over at the Life Cafe, Emily waits outside to meet up with her boss. Zoe finally shows up and is a knock out. Actually she’s Rumer Willis who you might know as “Girl running between Jimmy and Oz” from The Whole Nine Yards or That Lesbian Gia from 90210 or I don’t know, as the daughter of Demi Moore. Again, lesbian fingers crossed.
aka Lesbian Town, USA.
Like all camp romances, Emily let hers fade once she was home. Everyone knows it’s hard to keep up with camp pen pals after a few months.
You should see what’s going on below the waist.
Despite the fact that Emily claimed all she did in Haiti was drink and cry, Zoe goes on about how Emily was the MVP of Habitat for Humanity. I mean, duh. She’s a big old lezzy. It’s not like that was her first time wearing a utility belt.
Drill-do.
Zoe exclaims she’d like to have an Emily on every trip and I decide I’d like an Emily on my lap. We don’t always get what we want but it sounds like Zoe might get Emily for an upcoming summer trip.
In my mouth 1000 times?
Knows how to nail and screw.
We also are gifted these amazing photos of lesbian greatness.
Lesbian Glamor Shots
True Life: I went to A-Camp
Just then, Pam smells lesbian pitter-patter afoot and walks up to Zoe and Emily’s table. She has something for Emily to drop off at the police station but does enough stress talking to make it clear that their house is in shambles. How convenient, discussing a broken house with someone who builds houses!
Sorry to interrupt, I just had to tell Emily I hit a HUGE sale at the GAP.
Elsewhere, Caleb meets with Ashley. Funny that she has seemingly unlimited visitation time. Turns out that Ashley invited Caleb to come in and talk with her. She’s worried about Hanna and hopes Caleb can help.
Like her big tits
Ashley tells Caleb to make sure Hanna doesn’t do anything stupid. This is fun for us at home because we know that Hanna is already doing something stupid! In fact, back at her house, Hanna and Mona get even deeper into their BDSM lying game.
Do you want to touch me?
Please may I?
Mona wants Hanna to explain to her what it felt like to kill Wilden. It’s creepy. Of course, before much of anything can get said Caleb peers though the window and spots Hanna. You can imagine how he reacts.
Normal lesbian behavior.
I mean, he sees his girlfriend with another girl who openly has a crush on her. Lesbian brain explosion.
And why don’t you have pants on?
Hanna claims Mona is just there to be her BFF.
On her cunt.
Hanna tells Caleb to GTFO. He’s not impressed and goes on to cry about it and then tell his therapist all about how Hanna isn’t letting him in emotionally.
Back at the Hastings household, Spencer comes home to find her mother and Lawyer Kid poring over the DA’s files. Spencer thinks she’s being all cute and coy with TobAy’s mom’s file, but actually Lawyer kid totally knows Spencer stole it. Nothing gets past Lawyer Kid McGee. Is there a lawyer version of Doogie Howser, M.D? Just curious for future joke making.
How did you know I wasn’t wearing underwear?
Starsweep to Aria’s where she sits alone in the living room, probably watching film noir and eating popcorn. Typical Aria. The’s an awful ruckus outside. Aria goes to the window but doesn’t see much of anything.
Say Please is not the manners book I thought it would be…
In a panic she calls Mike’s cell phone. Perhaps there’s a home invader! Or worse, a Republican! One of Mike’s bros picks up the phone and is clearly smashed. He tells Aria that Mike is wipeout wasted across the room and just threw up a swimming pool of vomit. Aria is concerned.
Is that a dick pic?!
Back over at Hanna’s she and Mona do some more BDSM mind melding. After a titillating spanking scene, Mona decides that Hanna is finally ready for her Biggest Lie Ever.
Two fingers. Not three. Not one.
Later, after Mona leaves, Hanna heads downstairs to leave and tell her big fat lie the police. No surprise, Caleb is waiting for her. Caleb is obsessed with Hanna’s face full time.
There’s a dildo behind this door…
Before Hanna can leave, Caleb stops her. Caleb wants to know all about how Mona “talked Hanna into this.” Of course, like all bad plans, this one was all Hanna’s. Caleb says he won’t let her do it. Hanna dances around the idea that perhaps Ashley really did kill Wilden, but ultimately Caleb decides he thinks she didn’t. And isn’t that what matters? The man’s opinion? Then, instead of going to the police station, they change into matching flannel shirts and rock out on their acoustic guitars for a few hours.
Can I ask you about your feelings about cats?
Across the street Aria calls in reinforcements. She’s scared for her brother and she needs help. Does she call her father? How about her emotionally entangled ex-boyfriend. Her codependent core group of friends? None of the above! She calls Sensei Hot Stuff!
Don’t worry I don’t know what I’m doing here either!
Sensei and Aria are all set to hop in the car and make out I mean drive to find Mike. Fortunately just then Mike calls and says he’s fine and is sleeping at his friend’s house. It was just a whole big ill-timed prank by Mike’s friends.
I’m just getting my sticks and balls on!
Sensei, seeing that Aria is distressed, offers to stay the night. Heyoo.
Do you know where my banana is?
Emily heads back to the motel where Pam is milling about trying to hold it together. She tells Emily she’s officially lost her job at the police station. She also bought groceries which is like a really big deal in their family or something.
But only if it was at Babeland
Really? More buttplugs?
Emily tells her mother about the opportunity Zoe offered her to work for Habitat in Nicaragua for the summer.Upon hearing this Pam loses her fucking shit and collapses crying. I’m not good with The Feelings but it seems to me this is one of those “Everything is falling apart and you’re leaving me” situations. It sucks that Emily and Pam are doing that thing where Emily has to act like the parents and Pam like that child. That always really fucks kids up.
I waited too long and now the A-Camp spots are all full!
(Not really, sign up today!)
Over at the Rosewood police station Mona shows up. What on earth could she be doing there!? She says she has information about Wilden. Is she going to throw Hanna to the dogs after Man Caleb has already decided that Hanna won’t be doing that?
Who stole my pink lipstick? I’ve been wearing red all day!
At Aria’s, Sensei Hot Stuff and Aria sit around watching TV. They chat about their ruined night and also about all their hopes and dreams for the future. They also drops some light product placement for Insidious: Chapter 2. Ew. It’s really obvious and annoying. ABC Family: Get it together.
I’m gonna stick my finger in your asshole just like this.
At the Hasting’s residence, Spencer isn’t sleeping. She’s kind of a vampire that one. She stomps downstairs and confronts Mistress Lawyer Hastings. Spencer shows the file to her mother. She is unimpressed. Just then, Mistress Lawyer Hastings gets a phone call informing her that Mona has just confessed to Wilden’s murder.
So…. Constipated….
Uggghhhh I hate when the biggest moment of an episode takes place off screen! Why do you do that to me?! I don’t care about Aria wanting to see a shitty horror movie sequel. I do care about Mona confessing to murdering Wilden!
If this is the reaction shot to the biggest reveal of the episode then your show has a problem.
The Liars all receive texts in turn informing them of Mona’s confession and they all, in turn, show up at the police station. Yeah, that’s not suspicious or anything. All of them there at once.
In which Caleb tries to squeeze himself into the line up but ultimately fails.
Mona and Hanna exchange gay smiles.
I get to paddle you 10 times for this.
Why do I think Mona protected Hanna and confessed to Wilden’s murder? Um isn’t it obvious.
The Mona Vanderwaal Story
In the final A scene, A drills holes in someone’s floor. I wish that were a euphemism.
Everyone loves getting drilled from underneath.
Well that about does it for this week. Tune in next week when I promise actual lesbian content will take place. No guys, seriously. I promise. Paige throws Emily a surprise party.
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I want you to know that I took a detour from reading the recap to sift through Butches and Babies, inquire about sightings of Butch artwork in Vancouver to Vancouver friendz, feel my eyes water over all the photo-induced paternal feelings about the future and then come back to Rosewood/Reality
OMG I thought I was done but I just keep scrolling. I hope my father knows that my constant giggling and watery eyes have nothing to do with the Fox News playing in the background
I too fell into the internet black hole that is butches & babies.
OMG MONA NOOOOO
I hope Mona has a plan and she isn’t just sacrificing herself to prove to Hanna how much she loves her. I know Mona always has a plan but I’m afraid this time it might be different and the intention is just for Mona to sacrifice herself, maybe because she’s assuming that she’ll just be sent back to Arkham.
Unless Mona really did kill Wilden. But I don’t understand why people are being arrested for that anyway?
I think she knows that Hannah was right and she is the only one that can lie convincingly.
I looooooooved how dark and cryptic Mona was in this episode.
Also, major dyke alert with Zoey. I’m totally fine to jump ship if Paily doesn’t work out.
My first thought was that Mona realized if she confessed she would get sent to Radley, and if Hanna confessed she’d get sent to prison. Maybe Mona made the sacrifice because she loves Hannah but I also feel like maybe Mona knows they all still need to do sneaky stuff and Mona can obviously get stuff done regarding A/the other million mysteries at Radley, and Hanna probably couldn’t in prison. This may not make sense.
Sensei Hot Stuff makes me chuckle every time. EVERY TIME.
This recap made me realize that Caleb and I probably have this thing in common where we lay on our beds in the dark and listen to “I Wanna Come Over” on repeat. Seems likely.
My love/hate relationship with this show grows after every episode.
The photo captions on the recaps are pretty much my fave thing about
PLL’sthe world right now. I wish they’d give Paige a spinoff.What the hell is Aria wearing? Seriously, what the hell?!
This comment applies to every episode.
You might be the funniest person ever, your recaps are awesome. Much better than those on That Other Website. I completely loved Mona in this episode, even in the beginning when she was all creepy and manipulative. I also enjoy how it’s like an underlying gay energy in almost all relationships in this show(Hanna and Mona’s for example). Lastly, I absolutely agree that Toby is the lamest character ever.