26 Excerpts From Scathing Amazon and Netflix Reviews Of “Orange Is The New Black”

president-of-the-teeveeOrange is the New Black‘s third season begins this Friday and apparently not everybody is as excited about it as I am. There are some very upset humans on the internet who did not like this show one bit and who disagree with Netflix’s suggestion that fans of Breaking Bad might enjoy this program.

So, what follows are excerpts from negative reviews of Orange is The New Black I found on Amazon and Netflix.

Many of these opinions are totally valid, especially the ones about Jason Biggs.

Many of them will make you wish the reviewer would sit on a knife.

All of them have been ripped mercilessly out of context for your entertainment.

1. The main character has the personality of a dead fish and where did they get her boyfriend, the used toilet brush store?

2. More like “bitter is the new black”

3. THIS TYPE OF GROSS SEXUAL HUMOR IS TYPICAL OF THE KIND OF CULTURALLY CORRUPTIVE TRIPE RUNNING RAMPANT IN MEDIA.

4. I’m a gay male, and nothing about the female body or female sexuality excites me; in fact, it turns me off. So just the idea of a women’s prison doesn’t automatically get my juices flowing, and the abundant nudity and sex in this series leaves me cold and irritated. On top of that, every single character in this series is annoying, from the leads to the very least of the supporting roles… A Jewish nerd is pretty much my ideal man, but there’s something very creepy about Jason Biggs (he isn’t Jewish, for one thing) that negates any appeal the character might have. There aren’t even any real villains I can hate, just dozens of petty, stupid, ugly, obnoxious jerks, who spend all their time posing and snarling.

5. Two sets of breasts in the first 50 seconds told me not to bother.

6. This country is doomed, I might be switching back to something like an AM radio station for my entertainment

7. If you have a Y chromosome, an IQ in excess of your belt size or have ever considered voting Republican, you are NOT this show’s targeted demographic. You have been warned.

8. Overall imo this show is a disaster, but if your an American and like idiot American tv then this is probably right down your alley.

9. These inmates come up with words and knowledge that are supposed to be witty, when you know in reality, women prisoners would not even have that vocabulary.

10. This is just about some dumb girl who smokes pot and decides too go to jail because she got too bored of watching Half Baked and not working

11. I had no idea the program was so vulgar and pornographic

12. That one inmate has been pregnant for 2 years and she’s not even showing yet!

13. Is it me or all the guards have their american flags on backwards?

14. It made no sense for the Russian lady to get so pissed about someone insulting her food when a few episodes later she complains about her crappy ingredients.

15. This is more for gay people and I just couldn’t get into it.

16. Quite inappropriate. I only watched 5 minutes of the first episode before i had to watch something else. Well I am only 13…..

17. I really got bored with it; soft porn. Although I did not watch the entire season, my husband did. lol

18. WHY… is this always on the “New Releases” list, when it’s been created and promoted by Netflx since 2013? Do you suppose they are desperate to wring every last viewer out of it? No amount of “not interested” or One stars seem to get them to leave me alone… C’mon Netflx, this is NOT new, new, new!!

19. Also no one likes Jason Biggs… HE SUCKS SO HARD. Who the hell wants to watch Jason Biggs beat off?

20. I hate the theme song. I always fast-forward through it. It’s frustratingly vapid, so I do my best to avoid it. It adds nothing to the show except some teenage caterwauling, which the shows doesn’t benefit from.

21. No I don’t want to watch some manly women masturbating until she has an orgasm.

22. If you’re into mild Lesbianism (or shocked by it) maybe you’ll be interested or you’ve lived a sheltered life.

23. More horrifying than The Exorcist as well as more morally compromised, more disgusting and more damaging in intent.

24. If you don’t mind watching in every episode probably two scenes with women shoving their faces in each others crotches without any lead up for the scene or romantic love, than this is the series for you.

25. Sexist in the worst way. Horrible portrayal of men. If women were portrayed the way men are in this show, people would be up in arms.

26. It’s June 12, where is season 3??? I’ve been waiting patiently!! This show is phenomenal!

Looking for legitimately deep conversation on potentially controversial elements of Orange is the New Black? We suggest: Orange is the New Black: 7 Things We Should Talk About and How “Real” Is “Orange Is The New Black”? Comparing The Show To The Memoir To The Numbers.

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Riese

Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3179 articles for us.

64 Comments

  1. i actually agree with 1. and the one about not wanting to watch jason biggs beat off.

  2. I wanted to punch number 4 from the very first couple words and I’m not a violent person

    • I don’t know about punching him because it seems, like many of this reviewers, he was a bit confused about what OITNB was about (yes, it seems like a bunch of people live in the moon).

      This little man was expecting some gay porn of something like that, no need to punch him for that. He just got some wrong info, that’s all…

    • Breasts in the first 30 seconds of anything in my life is generally the highlight of my day.

  4. 23: WTF kind of comparison is that? The Exorcist? Use Little House on the Prairie if you’re gonna go the moral way.

    But 25 is the winner, you have to love male outrage.

  5. OMG that 13 year old. Precious. Bless you for self regulating what you’re comfortable watching.

  7. #10 is so accurate I can’t even be mad. But I think we all agree that Piper is the worst part of the show forever and always

  9. “Where did they get her boyfriend, the used toilet brush store?” was seriously so on point and I wish I’d thought of it. Also…Piper is definitely the least interesting story in the show. (Poussey, Poussey, Poussey.) Number 1 is OK in my books.

  10. Can’t disagree with #19.

    I find #6 disperation hilarious.

    And #25 wins, male tears never disappoint.

  11. #20 was interesting. I mean, people are allowed to dislike the opening, obviously, but Regina Spektor is 35. And it’s not like she SOUNDS like a teenager when singing, or is singing about “relatable teenager problems.”

  13. real talk: #18 happens to me with so many shows and movies on netflix, i’m like I TOLD YOU I WASN’T INTERESTED STOP TELLING ME I MIGHT LIKE THIS

  14. also i am legit concerned about #26, is it already june 12th somewhere else on this planet and if so can i go there

    • I’m concerned that you think June 12 is Sunday, mostly because I worry you’ll miss two days of binging.

      • Thank you for pointing out it is not Sunday. I got super upset and thought I calculated wrong and wasn’t going to be able to spend a portion of my week off binge watching.

    • OMG it’s Friday!! That’s so much sooner than Sunday, I should’ve checked the calendar, I just had it in my head that it premieres Sunday even though I also had it in my head that it premieres on the 12th and my days have been ducked up since camp can’t wait omg

      • That means shopping on Thursday, because I don’t know about you, but I need some specific supplies; for some people it means calling sick to work; the rest is “leave your message after the bip”.

        • I just got a new job so I can’t call in sick and it’s really distressing. And my boss is the only lesbian who has never seen Orange!

  15. 25. I was like, Sexist? What’s sexist about – Oh right, the made up idea that men suffer from sexism. He thinks that’s bad? Try earning 77 cents to every opposite-gendered-person’s dollar and then come talk to us about sexism.

    • An insecure elitist prick because the syntax of that sentence immature and overcompensatin somethin fierce. I mean who the heck takes the time to type out “would not” unless you’re writing a formal paper for grading? Someone compensating for something that’s who.

      And the use of “supposed” rather then “intended” just bwaaaah.

  20. I love how they all hated the show but had enough time to write their view on it. They can all suck it

  21. I desperately wanna reach out to #25 and hug him. With a frying pan. In his face. And pepper spray.

  22. Omg the breasts in the first 30 seconds was the reason I decided to watch the series. No joke. I thought ‘any show with two naked women making out in less than a minute is worth my time.’ Also, the person who said ‘shitty American TV’ do they not realize Wentworth came out first and is basically the better done but similar version of OITNB and…isn’t American?

  23. #7 is probs right except for the comment about IQ. #4 was maybe the most irritating.

    • And the whole “if you have a y chromosome” thing. Anyone who uses that phrase (or IQ comments like that. They think they’re being witty, and it’s pathetic) is in an over served demographic and doesn’t need any more material tailored specifically for them.
      Although the “ever considered voting Republican” part is so accurate I’m going to start using that to describe the show.

  24. 4) I am a male and I am OFFENDED that this show does not cater to me. How DARE they?

  25. 13. Is it me or all the guards have their american flags on backwards?

    Could someone please clarify this for me as I’ve been puzzled by this phenomenon for 2 seasons now. Why are they backwards?

  26. So, when this time of the year comes around, I’m always have a big debate/fight with myself… Should I binge-watch o take a slow pace?

    Because it’s true, I can find some kind of queer content on other shows, but OITNB is like QueerCentral (although most of the times I want to shoot Piper’s ass).

    It’s also true that this show may not have “perfect” representations of queerness, but it’s better than the constant killing-spree or the magical disappearance of queers.

    This is my big fight, and for sure it will have the same result as the previous years: binge-watching the hell of it and then watch it again in slower pace.

    • If you don’t binge-watch it, you’ll be either spoilered or confused by half the internet for ages.

      • I think I can make it work in a slow pace.

        I just need a big fishbowl to put my head on and never visit AS and that’s it.

    • I never manage to go slow no matter how many times I’ve seen a season. I took a class on this show and it was torture waiting a whole week to watch the next episode, and I’ve seen season 1 countless times.

  28. I agree with #1 and #19, to be fair.

    Obviously unpopular opinion: I think Piper and Alex (and the “outsiders” around them, with exception of Piper’s brother) are terribly boring. There’s just so much to be told about the other women, who I find far more interesting than “WASP goes to jail, her original ideas about people in jail get turned around, her boring fiancé has an affair with her equally boring best friend.”

    Alex is just. No. Physically attractive, definitely, the abusive leaning tendencies she displays? Hard no.

  30. I don’t watch Orange is the New Black, but I am highly entertained by #8 using “your” when it should be “you’re” and then complaining about idiot American television.

  31. My gal pal (very queer girlfriend) still shares Netflix with her mom, and unfortunately, her mother belives this to be “very sinful pornographic material” and blocked it from her account. Unfortunately for her mother, I have my own Netflix account on which to watch the glorious Samira Wiley and to kiss my gf while doing so. The gay agenda has it’s ways, I guess.

    • damn autocorrect on my phone for replacing the proper “its” and me for not noticing

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