It’s dinner time at the academy! Here we get the rundown on all the girls’ superpowers, because apparently being a witch means having one specific witchy skill.
Well if you wanted the vegan option you should have just said so.
Emma Roberts aka Madison Montgomery is basically Lindsay Lohan with telekenesis. Sidebar, how amazing would Lohan be on this show? I think she’d kill it. Madison got angry at a director and killed him with a lighting fixture.
Failed audition for Burlesque
We also learn that Nan is clairvoyant and Queenie is a human voodoo doll. How do we know this? She says, “I’m a human voodoo doll.” Classic Ryan Murphy subtlety. She stabs herself in the hand with a fork, causing Madison’s to bleed.
Instead of supervising the teen witches, Cordelia is in the greenhouse working on her potions. You know, witch stuff. Fiona shows up, and it turns out she is Cordelia’s mother. Fiona apparently disapproves of Cordelia for not accomplishing more with her life, proving that not only is she the Supreme, she is also a Jewish mother.
Fiona tells Cordelia that she is there at the academy to help her, because something big is coming. Also, Twitter and YouTube are making it impossible for witches to hide from the public anymore, which has to be the best complaint about the internet ever.
Cut to a bus full of frat boys, where Evan Peters again plays a character I don’t give a shit about. Seriously, he’s the Toby Cavanaugh of this show. Here he plays Kyle, and he gives his bros a rousing bro pep talk before slapping them all on the ass and herding them into a frat party.
Guess who else is at the party? Madison and Zoe.
Owns two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus
Zoe and Kyle lock eyes across an ice luge and proceed to flirt and it’s boring and nobody cares because they already did this in the Murder House season.
Hey girl, my hair is almost a mullet. Wanna make out?
And then this next part, where some of the bros roofie Madison and take her into a room where they take turns raping her. It is horrifying to watch, and even more so when it’s intercut with Zoe and Kyle’s meet-cute.
I don’t know what to say about this rape scene. I don’t know what to say any time rape is used as a plot device. I also don’t understand why the TV-MA parental warning readily gives warnings for language, nudity, and sexual situations, but never for rape and sexualized violence.
Kyle and Zoe find Madison and Kyle attacks the rapists, but is knocked out and dragged onto the frat bus. Zoe and Madison follow them outside, where Zoe enacts serious revenge by using her telekinetic powers to flip the rape bus.
The next morning, Fiona shows up, tosses the girls around with some hand waving, and drags the witches out for a field trip.
This way to Babeland, ladies!
Four little witches in one straight line, the youngest one was Madeline JK we killed her.
They go to Madame LaLaurie’s house, which is now a museum. Fiona uses her Supreme powers to get free museum admission for herself and girls, which is honestly what I would do if I had supreme witch powers.
I’m not asking if you have any weed, just if you know where I can get some. Don’t be a bitch about it.
Anyways, Fiona hears about LaLaurie’s beauty treatments involving people blood and people organs, and jumps on the murder bandwagon. We also get a flashback featuring Angela Bassett (!!!) as famed voodoo priestess Marie Laveau.
Excuse me miss, are you satisfied with your long distance provider?
She tricks Madame LaLaurie into drinking a “love potion” that is really a murder potion.
Five hour energy drink!
Turns out the poor tortured servant from earlier was Laveau’s lover and she’s out for revenge.
AT&T U-Verse strikes again!
Laveau goes into the attic and nuzzles her lover’s bullhead. Jesus H. Christ Marie, take the fucking bullhead off your boyfriend!
Minotaurs need nuzzles too.
You know who else is out for revenge? Zoe. She goes to the hospital, hoping that Kyle survived the bus crash.
Excuse me, is this the rapist wing?
When she sees the rapist frat bro in a coma, she climbs on top of him and fucks him to death with her cursed vagina. Soooo… yay? I’m all for revenge, but there are non-vaginal ways to do it, right?
Meanwhile, Fiona has LaLaurie’s hidden grave dug up and cracks open the coffin to find a very much alive Madame LaLaurie. Blood facials for everybody!
You and me both, sister. You and me both.
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The captions in this article tho.
I applaud you.
Seriously, these captions are so good.
i feel no need to watch this show, all I need are your recaps.
Oh, please tell me ‘infants’ was a LG reference.
I have three major feelings about this show/episode.
1.) I’m way too much of a scardy cat to do more than read recaps on the show, so I’m speaking from a place of never seeing a single ep of AHS (but I’ve read recaps of all the previous seasons.)
2.) I find it super terrifying that both Marie Laveau (the first major voodoo queen of New Orleans) and Madame LaLaurie (the serial killer infamous for torturing, mutilating and experimenting on her slaves in her attic) were real women. I think those are the scariest parts of every season of AHS (real-world horror stories.)
3.)****TW RAPE****
This is the biggest feeling of all… why is that nearly every major show that bills itself as “feminist” always features rape? Why do so many “strong women” stories have to involve someone attacking/killing their abusers? Why does strength and change have to come from violence or because of a man? Ugh. I’d say BoTP, but I feel like it’s such a dangerous trope that’s almost become a given. Of course when Murphy said this would be the most feminist show on TV he’d open with multiple sexual assaults. I feel like these stories are so often the least feminist on TV. I don’t know how to put all my feelings into words except to say it makes me feel so gross and uncomfortable.
I’m right there with you on point number 3. I’m so sick of this stuff. And sick of Murphy’s misogyny all over TV. And now it’s on autostraddle. I can’t escape it it seems.
I’m here for the Kathy Bates and the Angela Bassett. Can’t wait. I think they are both exceptionally stellar.
Much appreciating both the feminist critiques, smokin references and the acknowledgement that AHS really isn’t a good show.
fuck, that’s three nvm this comment is now NULL N VOID
That scene before the opening credits (and the credits themselves, to a lesser extent) totally grossed me out. Hopefully in future eps there is less of that and more of all these bad ass gorgeous ladies being bad ass and gorgeous. Seriously, Jessica Lange is 64 years old and, well… you all feel me.
Ugh I don’t think I could handle this show so I will just have to live vicariously through your recaps, Chelsea. Even though WITCHES, but I kind of can’t handle all this sexual assault on my screen.
Though I do agree there’s a lot problematic about American Horror Story (any season of it, really), I still really enjoy it just because of how over the top it gets. I’m the sort who’s attracted by, not scared off from, crazy B-movie horror flicks.
Also, Jessica Lange, anyone? I swear, she’d be my AHS idol if it weren’t for Kathy Bates, Sarah Paulson, Gabourey Sidibe, and (still counts if it’s not this current season) Zachary Quinto. Ugh, and Lily Rabe too! I can’t wait until tonight’s episode. :)
Haven’t even read this BUT I googled “ahs bitchcraft recap” and this was the first result and oh. my. god. I’m so stoked Autostraddle is doing this one!
Not to sound nitpicky, but Madison flipped the bus, not Zoe. I mention this only because it seems relevant to exposition/character development.
I adore this show unabashedly and love that, next to Orange Is The New Black, it’s the best place for actresses on TV. And they pick the BEST ONES. And I’m especially psyched that they brought Jamie Brewer back this year.
That said, I may not be in good company on my opinion regarding the show’s merits but I am beyond thrilled that Autostraddle is covering this season! And these recaps are hilarious.
While I have many of the same concerns about this show (esp re: rape feelings), overall the horror film fanatic in me is crazy excited about this season. I’d have styled a lot of the character development differently, but love the historical context of the story in general. This season is akin to works like Rice’s “The Witching Hour” in a way that keeps me glued to the screen (except for the trigger scenes). I am holding my breath in the hopes that Murphey doesn’t ruin this one by taking too many exaggerated liberties and perpetuating all the stereotypes (as he’s wont to do).
Also, I am so obsessed with Jessica Lange and everything she’s ever done. She’s played a few intensely disturbed characters since her Frances Farmer days, and she’s so natural it’s scary. (Also, I may have a tiny (read: enormous) crush on her!)
Instead of supervising the teen witches, Cordelia is in the greenhouse working on her potions. You know, witch stuff. Fiona shows up, and it turns out she is Cordelia’s mother. Fiona apparently disapproves of Cordelia for not accomplishing more with her life, proving that not only is she the Supreme, she is also a Jewish mother.