Hey Clone Rangers! Welcome to the recap of the eighth episode of season two of Orphan Black, the only show that rivals RuPaul’s Drag Race in terms of wig budget.
We open with a white van speeding through the streets before it pulls into a garage. A bald guy named Sammy is helped out of the car by a bearded bandit named Tony. Sammy’s been shot, and his dying words to Tony are that he needs to find Beth Childs.
The camera then zooms in on Tony, and we see Tatiana Maslany in a mullet wig and a goatee. We have a brand new clone and he’s a trans man!
Back at Mrs. S’s house, Mrs. S is trying to convince Sarah that they hold all the cards regarding Dyad and Duncan. Felix and Kira arrive and Kira is reunited with Mrs. S. It’s a family reunion!
Over at Dyad, Delphine tries to get into the lab but her key card has been de-authorized. Cosima opens the door and accepts a package from Delphine, but then kicks her out of the lab.
Classic lesbian drama, except most break-ups don’t involve baby teeth. Scotty and Cosima drill into Kira’s tooth and harvest the cells. He says that the easier solution would be to get bone marrow from the child, but Cosima refuses to put Kira through that.
Alison has been released from rehab, and is annoyed that Donnie didn’t pick her up.
She barges into her bedroom to discover that Donnie is drunk and in bed, still recovering from his accidental murder of Dr. Leekie. Alison is pissed because Donnie is already fucking with her recovery, so she spills some perfectly good booze all over his head. Their kids walk into the room looking confused. Guys, Alison’s kids are gonna need so much therapy.
Art meets up with Tony, and is shocked to see yet another clone enter the picture. Tony snarkily tells him he isn’t Harry Potter, which immediately dashes all my dreams of magical clones casting spells on the Prolethians. Oh well.
Felix leaves to help Art with Tony, while Duncan questions Sarah about Kira. Duncan seems a little too interested in Kira, but Mrs. S is more concerned with ending the Dyad drama once and for all.
Back at Dyad, Rachel has taken over Dr. Leekie’s office and is leaving a voicemail for Paul, who has disappeared. Delphine walks in and Rachel tells her that Leekie had a heart attack on the private jet.
Delphine is shocked, but Rachel tells her that Leekie buried important information and they may be on the verge of a scientific breakthrough.
Felix arrives home to find that Art has broken into his place and brought Tony. Tony is acting shifty and demanding to see Beth, but Felix convinces him that he’s safe. Felix and Art want to know what message Tony is bringing, and Tony wants to know what the fuck is going on.
I want to know why they couldn’t get better facial hair for Tony, but maybe that’s just me. Felix and Art duck into the hall and Felix sums up the situation by saying “Holy Tilda Swinton!” Felix then corrects Art on his pronoun usage, which is a pretty awesome thing to see on television.
Art and Felix discuss how to clue Tony into the whole situation while Tony rifles through Felix’s belongings. They try to get more information out of Tony, who says that he knows he and Beth are related. Art leaves to do a background check on Tony while Felix babysits him.
Sarah and Kira are enjoying some crafting together as they make a mobile of angels. Kira wants to know what happened to Helena, which is a good fucking question because Sarah apparently gives no fucks about her twin.
They hear some noises and Kira’s first instinct is to hide. Someone set up a therapy fund for all the clone kids, stat!
But it’s only Delphine, who has come with a request from Rachel. She tells Sarah that Leekie is dead and that she thought he was the lesser of two evils. Dyad needs Duncan because he could have the key to a gene therapy cure which doesn’t require Kira’s stem cells. They want Duncan to come in to Dyad and Mrs. S says they’ll think about it.
Back at the lab, Cosima is coughing up blood into a hankie but is quickly distracted by Scottie and some lab geeks playing Runewars, which appears to be like Settlers of Catan or Cones of Dunshire. Cosima joins in on the nerdy fun and proceeds to school these poindexters at their own game.
It’s all fun and games until Cosima starts coughing again and Delphine walks in. Cosima tells the battle bitches to beat it and she and Delphine talk. Delphine tells Cosima that she thinks Rachel killed Leekie. She also tells her that Kira’s stem cells are just a band-aid to a larger problem, but Duncan may have the real cure.
Also, she doesn’t want Cosima to die and she’s sorry for betraying her like a million times. Cosima says she is going to keep the promise she made when they first met: fisting. JK, they are gonna get high. I’m all for stoned lesbian shenanigans, but maybe Cosima shouldn’t be distressing her lungs anymore, am I right?
Felix and Tony are hanging out and we find out that Tony’s parents were assholes. Tony wants to take a bath and borrow some of Felix’s clothes, but Felix isn’t having any of it. He wants to know how Tony survived on street as a trans bandit (great band name) and Tony says it’s more complicated than sex or gender.
Oh honey, it always is. Tony then tells Felix to shut up and run him a bath, and Felix is like, run it yourself bitch! These two kids are getting along great.
Alison goes into her den and sees Donnie shuffling around looking sketchy. Donnie says he’s leaving, but Alison responds that they aren’t there yet.
I think they’ve gone way past “there,” but Donnie says she’s better off without him. Alison asks if he still loves her anymore, or if he ever did. Donnie dives into her lap crying and apologizing for lying/porn/rehab/hating her mother. It’s a long list. Alison says that everyone hates her mother and they’ve both made mistakes with porn and hot glue guns. But Donnie assures her his is worse.
When Sarah finds out that Duncan can cure Cosima, she immediately decides to turn him over to Dyad. Sarah continues to show no concern that her twin sister/assassin is currently nowhere to be found. Am I the only person with buckets of sympathy for Helena?
Art comes back with beer and some information. Turns out Tony was formerly Antoinette Selwicky, a convicted thief. Art thinks that Sammy was Tony’s monitor, and they think that whoever killed him will still be after Tony. Felix wants to hold off on bringing in Sarah until they can get more out of Tony.
They find Tony in the apartment going through Felix’s paintings and shooting up some testosterone. He offers some to Felix, who declines. Also, there’s a flirt vibe going on between Felix and Tony that is mildly upsetting because he looks just like Felix’s foster sister. It’s an incest-adjacent situation at least.
Back at Mrs. S’s house, Duncan is reading The Island of Dr. Moreau to Kira. Sarah rightly finds it inappropriate, but it’s time to bring Duncan to Dyad. Duncan gives the book to Kira and tells her not to worry, as he’s nobody’s pawn.