American Horror Story Episode 307 Recap: The One With The Zombie Threesome

Welcome to the seventh episode of American Horror Story, featuring an award-winning musical score by Hans Zimmer. I’m sorry, that’s not Hans Zimmer; it’s two goblins humping on a Casio keyboard. My mistake.

This week’s vocab word is: saxify, aka when the show uses a saxophone riff to punctuate a sex scene. I assume this amps up the sex appeal for some people, but for me it’s just the sound that dries my vagina. It’s like Tucson down there, you guys. Did I mention that I hate jazz?

We open in a tattoo parlor flashback, where Kyle is alive and well and singing Toto at the top of his lungs. I like him better when he can only make guttural noises and break radios. He’s with his rapey frat bros, who are all getting stupid tattoos.

It’s Chinese for "Patriarchy", cool right?

It’s Chinese for “Patriarchy”. Cool, right?

Kyle refuses to get one because his mom would flip, then a frat bro makes a joke about banging his mom. This is AWKward because Kyle is actually nonconsensually being banged by his own mom.

That Popeye’s went right through me

That Popeye’s went right through me

Kyle tells his bros that he has big plans to become an engineer and build stronger levees, and apparently engineers can’t have tattoos, which is ridiculous because engineers have tats, scientists have tats, and Angelina Jolie has tats so argument invalid.

Pooped biscuits

Pooped biscuits

If I had to bang a member of DMB I’d def go with the violin guy with the dreads

If I had to bang a member of DMB I’d def go with the violin guy with the dreads

Another bro is getting a four-leaf clover tattoo, and we zoom in on the tattoo to present day, where poor FrankenKyle is staring at the tattoo on his grab bag of a body. Like most college spring breakers, he’s covered in tattoos he never wanted.

But white guys with Chinese tats are such a cliché!!!

But white guys with Chinese tats are such a cliché!!!

While FrankenKyle wails with regret, Zoe grabs Madison’s baby handgun and gets ready to put FrankenKyle out to pasture.

We then head over to Miss Robichaux’s Secretarial School (was Mavis Beacon a witch? YES) to find the newly revived Madison in a post-death malaise. This involves wearing ball gowns, smoking, taking Fiona’s pills, raiding the liquor cabinet, and eating everything in the fridge.

You’re the only one that understands me, candelabra

You’re the only one that understands me, candelabra

Basically, it’s Emma Roberts doing her version of this scene from Wet Hot American Summer:

Madison talks about how, as a millennial, she’s prone to numbness and indifference, which means she’s never been on Tumblr. She remarks that she was gang raped and then back in class two days later, which is a lie. Not the rape, obvs, but there are no classes at this school.

Taking an independent study in drinking

Taking an independent study in drinking

Basically, now that she’s alive again, Madison feels deader than ever. She just wants to feel something, even if it’s painful.

This isn’t real, but I just wanna feel

This isn’t real, but I just wanna feel

Madison feels like she’s going batshit, but she’s not. She’s just living Buffy’s emotional arc from Season Six.

Meanwhile, back in the potions room, Zoe is getting ready to put down FrankenKyle. Never mind that she revived him, rebuilt him with rape limbs, forced him to relive childhood trauma and exposed him to the complete works of Fleetwood Mac. NOW she’s done with him.

Now that Madison’s back I can finally get my girl on girl experimentation on

Now that Madison’s back I can finally get my girl on girl experimentation on

Me…straight…ally

Me…straight…ally

FrankenKyle is ready to die, so he grabs the tiny handgun and tries to shoot himself. But Zoe wrestles the gun away from him; she’s not ready to let him go. Jesus Zoe, make up your mind!

No! Don’t leave me with this storyline!

No! Don’t leave me with this storyline!

In the kitchen, Queenie is pissed that Madison ate all the food/drank all the booze/lit all the candelabras. Delphine, in flannel jammies, tries to find food, but they are all out.

She put an empty container of juice back in the fridge? Who does that?

She put an empty container of juice back in the fridge? Who does that?

To curb their munchies, Queenie and Delphine drive through Ted’s Frostop, home of the greasiest burgers in NOLA. Delphine is convinced the squawk box is the devil, because time travelers confounded by modern technology are always hilarious.

Fuck yeah root beer floats!!!

Fuck yeah root beer floats!!!

I genuinely love these two together, and I wish there was a road trip spin-off movie where Queenie and Delphine go to Dollywood or something and hijinks ensue.

While nomming in the car, Queenie laments that the other witches will never accept her because she is fat. Delphine assures her that’s not the case; it’s because she’s black. Queenie seriously thinks about this, but CONSIDER THE SOURCE, QUEENIE! The racist, racist source.

Wanna go knock over a 7/11?

Wanna go knock over a 7/11?


 

Back at Miss Robichaux’s School for Ignoring the Blind (teachers), Cordelia answers the phone in the middle of the night.

A rotary phone? Really?

A rotary phone? Really?

It’s Hank drunk dialing her. He says he misses her and wants to come home, but Cordelia is like NOPE. We see that Hank is surrounded by guns, which surely bodes well for the future.

Is your refrigerator running?

Is your refrigerator running?

Bought ALL the tickets to the gun show

Bought ALL the tickets to the gun show

Cordelia stumbles into the hallway, looking for Delphine or Spalding or Patti LuPone…anyone, really. Maybe a seeing-eye minotaur? Before Cordelia magoos her way down the stairs, Madison saves her.

Marco…

Marco…

…Polo dancer?

…Polo dancer?

But once Madison touches her, Cordelia is flooded with images of Fiona slitting her throat. And she is pissed off about it.

Stunning cheekbones. Yep, you’re Madison

Stunning cheekbones. Yep, you’re Madison

If I hear you complain one more time about the scientific inaccuracy of Gravity, I’m going to kill you!

If I hear you complain one more time about the scientific inaccuracy of Gravity, I’m going to kill you!

O Face

O Face


Meanwhile, Fiona is sharing a drink with the Axeman at his apartment. He puts on some jazz and tries to seduce Fiona. He talks about how, as a struggling musician, he never got any respect.

This is a real nice shithole you got here

This is a real nice shithole you got here

He says he’s a backdoor man, never invited to stay the night. Wait a minute, are they talking about butt sex? I’m pretty sure they’re talking about butt sex. To prove my point, I found an old music video starring Axeman.

Axeman and Vanilla, swirl swirl!

Axeman and Vanilla, swirl swirl!

Well, I just found my self respect so I’ll be going now

Well, I just found my self respect so I’ll be going now

Axeman is all over Fiona, and she excuses herself from his creepy intensity to freshen up. She finds roaches in the sink, a dead guy in the shower, and more hair falling out.

Fiona gets ready to call it a night, but Axeman won’t let her go. Obviously he doesn’t think consent is sexy.

I’m not feeling well. I don’t want to go into specifics: suffice it to say, it’s coming out of both ends

I’m not feeling well. I don’t want to go into specifics: suffice it to say, it’s coming out of both ends

You had me at explosive diarrhea, baby doll

You had me at explosive diarrhea, baby doll

Fiona plays the whole “you don’t want me, I’m trouble” card, which in her case is very true. Axeman plays the “okay, what if it’s just sex?” card, and then proceeds to talk saxy with her. There’s mentions of fingering, and blowing notes, and his instrument, and it’s Grosstown USA.

And when I say instrument, I mean my penis. You got that, right?

And when I say instrument, I mean my penis. You got that, right?

Fiona is into it, and their sex scene is intercut with him wailing on the sax. I’m all for a Jessica Lange sex scene on this show, but these jazz puns are really killing my boner. Excuse me, my snare drum. My triangle. My vaginally-shaped instrument.

I just jazzed in my pants

I just jazzed in my pants


 

Meanwhile, back at Miss Robichaux’s Foster Home for Terrible Ideas, Zoe is hiding FrankenKyle in her bedroom and trying to teach him English with flashcards.

The Miracle Worker, where the role of Helen Keller will be played by a walking rape quilt of a man

The Miracle Worker, where the role of Helen Keller will be played by a walking quilt of a man

I’m sorry, I could only find food photos from the 1950’s

I’m sorry, I could only find food photos from the 1950’s

I love that Zoe has six flashcards. One is “food” and the other is “hamburger.” FrankenKyle is in no fucking mood and hulk-smashes his bowl. Madison swans in with no fucks to give and a pair of amazing boots.

Who’s this Jabroni?

Who’s this Jabroni?

Zoe introduces Madison to FrankenKyle, who legitimately forgot about the time she and Zoe resurrected this dead guy. Madison tells Zoe that Cordelia needs to talk to her. In the meantime, she’ll watch FrankenKyle. Yeah, this will go just fine.

Can you watch him?

Can you watch him?

I’ll watch all over his face

I’ll watch all over his face

Madison inspects his scars and seems once again unfazed that HE’S MADE OF HER RAPISTS. They have some undead bonding time, which I think is gonna turn into some undead boning time.

Hashtag Dead People Problems, am I right?

Hashtag Dead People Problems, am I right?

FrankenNuzzles

FrankenNuzzles


Across town at the beauty shop, Marie is buying some fish heads when Queenie walks in. Marie knows who she is of course, and sets about recruiting her to the voodoo side of the witch war. Marie tells Queenie she’s being mistreated, as they don’t even have gumbo at Miss Robichaux’s.

White people eat like this…

White people eat like this…

Yeah, I’ve heard this one before.

Yeah, I’ve heard this one before.

Marie tells Queenie that she’ll never be treated as an equal at that school, what with all the Wonderbread and the resurrected racist maids. Queenie assures her that Delphine is her slave/BFF so it’s cool, but Marie offers her a deal. If Queenie wants to live with Marie’s crew, she has to deliver Delphine.

We can offer you better food and better storylines

We can offer you better food and better storylines

This might be a bad time to tell you that I fucked your minotaur

This might be a bad time to tell you that I fucked your minotaur

Ovaries before brovaries, Queenie.

Ovaries before brovaries, Queenie.


Cordelia and Zoe sit down for some tea. Cordelia is serving, and I was really hoping they’d do a re-enactment of this scene from Young Frankenstein:

Cordelia is impressed with Zoe’s power, but warns her that she’s got a target on her back. If Fiona even thinks Zoe is the rising Supreme, she’s going to kill her, just like she killed Madison.

I hope this is the vodka flask. Tequila goes terribly with Orange Zinger

I hope this is the vodka flask. Tequila goes terribly with Orange Zinger

Are those creepy twins in the photo behind me staring at me?

Are those creepy twins in the photo behind me staring at me?

Cordelia tells Zoe that they are going to kill Fiona once and for all, which on this show means 20 or 30 times. A shell-shocked Zoe goes back up to her room, only to find FrankenKyle and Madison furiously boning. Jeez guys, she was gone for like, five minutes. Zoe just closes the door and walks away.

This is exactly what it looks like

This is exactly what it looks like

I can’t believe they started without me!

I can’t believe they started without me!


Back at Chez Axeman, a post-coital Fiona and Axeman are getting a cuddle on. Axeman is certain that he banged Fiona so good she’ll never leave, but Fiona already has one foot out the door.

I’m thinking a Spring wedding

I’m thinking a Spring wedding

I’m thinking you’re out of your fucking mind

I’m thinking you’re out of your fucking mind

Axeman tells her she’s afraid of her own pleasure, which is A) gross and B) condescending. Settle down Axeman, she’s blown a sax or two before, mmmkay?

Don’t go, I have a creepy voyeuristic backstory for my love!

Don’t go, I have a creepy voyeuristic backstory for my love!

Now here’s where it gets really disturbing (which was the original title of this show). Turns out that Axeman has been obsessed with Fiona since she was a child. He’s been haunting Miss Robichaux’s for decades, and he looked after Fiona when she was a kid.

This is a creepy story, but Baby Fiona is adorable

This is a creepy story, but Baby Fiona is adorable

We see a flashback of Baby Fiona being bullied, and Ghost Axeman protecting her. This is officially the worst, you guys.

So everytime I downstairs DJ’d…you saw that?

So everytime I downstairs DJ’d…you saw that?

It’s like the end of Jane Austen’s Emma, where (spoiler alert for a 200 year old novel) Emma’s fiancée Knightley is all “I held you as a baby and now you’re my wife” and we all threw up in our bonnets, remember? It’s like that, but with more murder.

Not another jazz lullaby

Not another jazz lullaby

Of course, Baby Fiona grows into Young Fiona and Axeman’s fatherly feelings become bonerly feelings and we all throw up in our saxophones.

Perving montage

Perving montage

So now that he’s free, Axeman just wants to love and care for Fiona. Fiona is appalled/aroused, and demands he go haunt someone else and storms out of there.

Was it something I said?

Was it something I said?


Back at Miss Robichaux’s Doll Emporium, Spalding is asleep in a kimono because why not. He wakes up, only to realize that Zoe has tied him to the bed. Furthermore, he has his tongue back and he can speak!

You did not RSVP to the tea party so you can’t just show up!

You did not RSVP to the tea party so you can’t just show up!

Turns out that Zoe found Spalding’s tongue in the secret witch cubby, and magicked it back into his mouth. Turns out Myrtle enchanted his tongue, which is why it’s stayed fresh all these years. Zoe demands to know who killed Madison (Cordelia just told you, dummy!) and Spalding is forced to tell the truth and rat out Fiona.

Do the grumpy cat impression! Do it now!

Do the grumpy cat impression! Do it now!

Fine

Fine

Zoe has heard enough, and stabs Spalding in the chest. Like a hundred dolls just became orphans, you guys. RIP Spalding.


In the kitchen, Delphine is slicing a ham in the middle of the night. Respect.

Ain’t no party like a midnight ham party

Ain’t no party like a midnight ham party

Queenie finds her and asks what the worst thing she ever did was. Delphine does not want to scare off her new BFF.

I got us these matching necklaces at Claire’s. Yours says "friend" and mine says "best", but we could switch if you want.

I got us these matching necklaces at Claire’s. Yours says “friend” and mine says “best”, but we could switch if you want.

She says the past is the past, but Queenie convinces her that best friends share everything.

It’s not like you made your daughter eat shit for Christmas or something, right?

It’s not like you made your daughter eat shit for Christmas or something, right?

Uhhhh…

Uhhhh…

We then flashback to old timey NOLA, where Delphine is being served dinner by her maid Sally. Sally just gave birth to a baby, and from the way Mr. Delphine is groping her, I think we know who the daddy is.

Hey there’s another ham! 18th century ham party!

Hey there’s another ham! 18th century ham party!

Delphine asks Sally to come to her room later that night. UhOh Spaghettios.

Later that night, Sally is helping Delphine get ready for bed.

And for every night of Hannukah, Borquita is getting a shit latke!

And for every night of Hannukah, Borquita is getting a shit latke!

Delphine shows her the latest beauty treatment she’s concocted: it’s blood. Baby blood. Sally’s baby’s blood. All over Delphine’s face. Old timey Delphine really was the grurst. The next morning, Sally killed herself.

I can’t believe I bought this baby killer a root beer float!

I can’t believe I bought this baby killer a root beer float!

Delphine tries to convince her it was a different time, as if there was a period of American history where infanticide was the norm.

Delphine tries to patch up their friendship, but I think we can all agree that ship has sailed. Also, let’s take another moment to talk about how good Kathy Bates is on this show.

Look, judgment or not, this ham ain’t gonna eat itself

Look, judgment or not, this ham ain’t gonna eat itself

Elsewhere at Miss Robichaux’s Halfway House for Drunk Witches, Fiona takes some pills, drinks some booze, and decides to buzz off her hair once and for all.

Ready for an Alternative Lifestyle Haircut

Ready for an Alternative Lifestyle Haircut

Before she can start, the soothing sounds of jazz float in. UGH FUCK THIS JAZZY SHIT.


Zoe is in the shower washing off Spalding’s blood. Madison opens the shower curtain to confront her about FrankenKyle.

Hey girl, room for one more?

Hey girl, room for one more?

She wants Zoe to be mad that she banged her undead boyfriend, but Zoe is in no mood.

I know some hot girl on girl action is afoot, but that bathroom has a fireplace! Jealous.

I know some hot girl on girl action is afoot, but that bathroom has a fireplace! Jealous.

I just saw Blue is the Warmest Color, so I’m an expert on lesbian sex now

I just saw Blue is the Warmest Color, so I’m an expert on lesbian sex now

Madison refuses to give him up, because banging FrankenKyle is the closest she gets to feeling something… but she’s willing to share. Zoe assumes they’ll take turns, but Madison is like, zombie threeway all the way. And they proceed to have a zombie threeway. Cue that sexy sax!

Get up on our cold dead bodies

Get up on our cold dead bodies


 

Axeman finishes his set and goes offstage to find Fiona waiting for him.

This relationship really blows…get it?

This relationship really blows…get it?


Meanwhile, Queenie has convinced Delphine that they’re getting her hair done, despite it being like, 2am. Delphine is wearing a bedazzled LSU tigers sweater and I need it in my life.

I thought this was an ugly sweater party, am I wrong?

I thought this was an ugly sweater party, am I wrong?

Of course it’s not a makeover, it’s a trap for Delphine. Marie and all her witches descend on Delphine and lock her in a cage.

What did I ever do to deserve this? Oh yeah, everything

What did I ever do to deserve this? Oh yeah, everything

Queenie goes to stab Delphine and Marie uses her immortal blood as a face mask. Jesus people, what is it with y’all and blood facials? Just get some Apricot St. Ives and call it a fucking day!

And this is what I would look like with a goatee

And this is what I would look like with a goatee

IN TWO WEEKS: Delphine in a cage! Witches in matching robes! Myrtle’s back!

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Chelsea was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. She currently resides in sunny Los Angeles, where she works as a screenwriter/blogger/pop culture geek. She’s obsessed with dachshunds, the Whedonverse, 90's dance parties, and roller derby. She loves the word "Jewess" and wishes more people used it to describe her. Follow her ramblings on Twitter why don't you?

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17 Comments

  1. Thumb up 1

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    I died a little at Young Frankenstein. They have just stopped giving a shit entirely, haven’t they? I think my favorite part is that Zombie Tate / FrankenKyle has had more character development than any of the female characters. Even though he’s a nonverbal zombie. And on a show about witches.

    *And then they cut away from the threesome.*

    Actually it would be pretty sad viewing without these recaps.

  2. Thumb up 7

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    1. MAVIS BEACON REFERENCE <3

    2. This episode needed more swamp witch! Every episode needs more swamp witch. Can we just forget everyone else and watch her dance around in swamps with Stevie Nicks?

    3. Mme Lalaurie is the evilest character on this show, but sometimes I forget because Kathy Bates is adorable and when she wears bedazzled sweaters the only sound I can hear coming from her mouth is "TOWANDA!" I hate myself every time this happens.

    4. I can in no way deal with saxman. Everything about him makes me want to throw up and die.

    5. As bad as I feel for FrankenKyle, I have never met a kind person with a bunch of evil friends, so I'm really not buying the whole "good guy" story. That said, I would have reacted the same way if someone tried to give me gross porridge for lunch right after showing me a flashcard of a hamburger. "BRRRAAAGHHHHHH" *smash bowl*

    6. Is Queenie going to join Marie Laveau full-time now? Is it bad that I hope she will? I want to see more of Marie's coven!

    • Thumb up 2

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      I think I just want to see more Angela Bassett, but truthfully? I’m a little afraid to see what this show does with Marie Laveau’s coven. I kind of feel like Cartman is one of the writers this season, keeping up a constant chant of “race war! RACE WAR!” from beneath a pile of cheetos and pork rinds in the saddest corner of the writer’s room, and nobody’s telling him to STFU.

      You know they’re going to go campy with it, too. Otoh, it is, in one very special sense, horrifying, so. There’s that.

  3. Thumb up 3

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    Soooo I’m super confused when I watch this show. Delphine is clearly a terrible human being and yet I feel sympathy for her… WHYYY?!?!
    However the baby story helped to snap me back into reality. But still! My emotions are so out of whack!

  4. Thumb up 1

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    I adore all the Queenie and Delphine scenes, too! And I would totally watch a spin-off about them on a roadtrip, as long as Angela Bassett can pop up every once and a while w/ a “Girl, what are you doing with this racist bitch?”

    But for real, Kathy Bates and Angela Bassett are killing it and their story lines seriously need more air time. Enough with the gross saxophone and zombie sex!

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