You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Oh god, I relate to so much of this. It really is a process and as a white woman with a non-white wife it was difficult to find sperm with her background. In the end we had to go with a CMV+ donor, while I am CMV- which makes me nervous, but not much I can do when literally all the donors [with her background] we had to choose from are CMV+!
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Thank you for writing this, we went through this too, with Native American sperm. So basically in the end we could not find any 100% Native American sperm. My hopes aren’t high to what our baby will look like but I’ve come to a place of acceptance about it. The other day my wife looked at me and said “I hope she looks like you” which was cute. Our daughter is due on May 1.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Ugh I hear this!! My girlfriend and I are no where near ready for kids, but on a whim we looked at banks in the New England area. We’re an interracial couple (she’s White and Middle Eastern and I’m White and East Asian) and we decided to settle on a Middle Eastern/East Asian mix as a compromise–which is nearly impossible to find. If anyone knows a guy, hit a girl up!
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Hi Brittney – thanks for writing!
My partner and I are currently looking for Chinese sperm (she’s Chinese) and we are in Australia and it is the fucking worst.
The public health system offers nothing to non heteros by the way of rebates and legally anonymous sperm can’t be released to individuals – it has to be medically ‘inserted’ which costs $3000+.
Getting sperm is like a practice in feeling shit about yourself and losing all of your life savings. You can pay $700 and go on a waiting list for local sperm – but the wait is usually 12 months plus and there really is only white or more white to choose from. Oooor you can buy from the states but you have to do a minimum order and pay for shipping and mandatory counselling which all up totals $8000! At which point we run into a similar problem to you – very few options. The pool is even smaller considering that the Aus government requires all sperm donors to be identifiable and to go on a contact register.
Anyway I feel your pain and my partner and I are both kicking ourselves that we have spent so much time being angry feminists and now have no men in our lives that we can request sperm from.
Good luck making your babies – it looks like they’re gonna be so so loved.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Hi, Gem! There’s a YouTube channel called “the dandy birds” about a New Zealand lesbian couple who used a local Chinese sperm donor to have their daughter. Maybe he’s an option, if you fancy a flight across the ditch? Check them out and see what you reckon.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
oh my gosh, also a baby crazy queer lady in her mid twenties, though not in a position to have a kid right now, but I look around on donor sites in my spare time and wonder and freak out about what race my kids will be because I’m multiracial and I have a lot of feelings about it, and also how to go about the kid thing when queer. There are like, 4 Vietnamese donors on the website of the largest sperm bank I can find? And then if I adopt domestically, I would likely be raising a black child, which as someone of color-ish with a white mom I am not sure I feel is a service to the child (or maybe it would be fine? I do love my mom, I don’t know!) also, side note, I’m also a Quaker and I would love to hear more about all the stuff you (and others!!) have learned along the way of doing this. I wish autostraddle listed a way to contact you! or did more articles on this topic.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
I am hanging out with the Quakers, and I probably want to adopt at some point, and lots of question marbles rolling around in the back of my mind about race with adoption as a white passing mixed wouldbe parent.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
As a person who doesn’t want kids, I’ve never thought about sperm donations and I had no idea it was so much hassle… Sending lots of good vibes your way!
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
My wife & I just went through the exact same thing!! I’m white/native and she’s black. We looked online and same thing, hundreds of options dwindled to 4 choices!!!
Luckily in those 4 options we ended up choosing a donor that is black & native but as you also mentioned, at $800 a vial, we only got 3 vials for now. If none of them work out we have decided to move on to another donor but then our options will be even more limited!! Ugh
The struggle is real!! Good luck to you & wish me luck as we’re hoping to do our first IUI this cycle 🙂
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Don’t blame the sperm banks, blame society for the lack of genetic variation. Well the sperm banks do cater to those who want kids and can afford it so unfortunately that is also the case. But blame society for the bad connotation you get for giving sperm or eggs.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
I can blame this sperm bank: “Applicants with a history of sickle cell anemia or cystic fibrosis, to name two examples, are automatically disqualified. So are those who have ever had sex with other men or used intravenous drugs . . . , if you have tattoos, and whether you’ve been exposed to radiation, among many others.”
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
I don’t think you can blame the sperm banks for this. The reasons aren’t clear, but even on the private sperm donation sites (where anyone can sign up), there simply aren’t very many minority donors. I help run the Known Donor Registry, and 78% of the donors listed in the USA are white, with just 4.4% being black and 5.3% being Latino. The population is around 63% white, 12% black, and 17% Latino.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
This will be my life in a few years and I’ve been stressed about it for awhile. I sometimes comb through donor databases when I’m bored and I’ve damn near memorized all the Latino ones because there’s only so many. Native ones are a nonexistent. My brother donated (donates?) and is Latino/Native/white and thankfully I’ve narrowed down which one is him so I don’t have to worry about that hahaha. It’s frustrating and rough when you start narrowing down other things like genetic positives, age, number of vials, and willing to be known, etc. Ayyyyy. Good luck.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
I wish this article addressed the major underlying problem with anonymous sperm donation: That it’s still legal in the United States. If you are in a queer relationship trying to conceive with third-party egg or sperm, you need to know: The majority of surveyed adult donor-conceived people in the US _oppose_ anonymous sperm and egg donation, and countries that actually care about donor-conceived people (the UK, Ireland, Belgium, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Norway, Sweden, the Netherlands, Australia, New Zealand, for example) are outlawing anonymous donation and regulating the industry. But in the USA, the American Society for Reproductive Medicine has fought to keep their industry unregulated and to keep actual donor-conceived people from having any voice in their policies. Before you buy into an industry that treats donor-conceived people, like me, like products instead of like human beings, and before you contribute to purchasing a human being away from half of their biological family, genetic health history, and ethnic and cultural heritage, please educate yourself by visiting the Donor Sibling Registry website and AnonymousUS. Then choose a known donor. Thanks for reading.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Thank you so much for writing this. Sometimes I feel like nobody understands why I don’t want to sell out $900 to have a child that doesn’t represent my partner and I and all our beautiful Blackness.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Have you considered a known donor?
I know it’s not for me everyone, but for us it was cheaper.
It has not hurt our friendship with the donor.
Yes it complicated as well– with screening tests for fertility, motility and viability after freezing. But it is another option
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
My coworker and her than girlfriend asked an acquaintance one of them, who she knew for years, for a sperm donation and my friend got pregnant on the first try. The procedure was simple. He said he’d produce his sperm at the appointed time (say 7 PM), they would pick it up 2 minutes later (in a cup) and then squirt it inside my friends vagina with a syringe within a half an hour (sperm doesn’t live more than an hour outside he body). This was the first and only time they did the syringe procedure (and they did it in their car!) The sperm donor was Mexican/White and my friend (is Spanish/Greek/German) baby looks Native Indian Mexican, not European. The cost to them was a syringe and they guy received no payment.
The only concern I would have is that the guy take a STD test and be questioned on genetic diseases in his family before proceeding (which I don’t think they did). They also didn’t have the guy sign a legal agreement, waiving all parental interest in the baby (I thought that was really dumb of her.) All is well with my friend (who had the baby) but her marriage to her now wife is on shaky ground 4 yrs after the birth of their daughter.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Feel you! When I listen to my white friends talk about picking their donor, it’s like they went on tindr dates with all these donors. The world was their oyster! It was hard to pare down the choices! Or it was easy to choose someone they liked!
Not for us. I really wanted Korean sperm (because I’m Korean) and I also had exactly two options at the sperm bank we chose. So I picked the one that was most medically compatible with me and that was that… We couldn’t “shop” from the donors that were already on-site at the fertility center because–big surprise–no Koreans to be found, so we had to pay for shipping and storage on top of the cost of the damn sperm. I didn’t have the luxury of choosing a donor who shared values with me. I just have to hope that it doesn’t matter that our donor seems like someone I definitely would not have mated with outside of a sterile IUI environment!
Aaaanyway, I’ll tell you it is 100% worth it to have a beautiful baby who is 100% Korean. <3 Good luck to you both!
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Have you ever thought of obeying GOD’s law for your life. He has laid it out for us in a special book He sent to us. There are many instances where He has heard the cries of His children. Remember what He told us in Galatians 6:7. And yes I’ve reaped what I have sown. Yet the GOD of mercy still sees me as son. Please come back to your first love and seek He’s will and way.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Thank you Ms. Eve. GOD has truly giving me the peace that passes all understanding. My statement is based on 5k years of recorded history. When we follow HIS plan for our lives we will truly be blessed.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Is that the “special book” that’s riddled with contradictions and abusurdity? You know, the one where owning slaves or killing your children is ok, but eating shellfish or wearing clothes of two fabrics is a sin? The one that doesn’t mention sperm donation or lesbian parenting?
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Thank you ml66uk. Those are questions that can be answered by taking the BIBLE in its entirety. The law in the Old Testament shows us that we can never work to earn our salvation. It also points to the only ONE that can save us from sin.
The contradictions that you might be speaking of have all been validated as not contradictory and an open mind study of the Scriptures will reveal this to you. Please continue to ask questions and have an open mind of what GOD can teach you.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Oh god, I relate to so much of this. It really is a process and as a white woman with a non-white wife it was difficult to find sperm with her background. In the end we had to go with a CMV+ donor, while I am CMV- which makes me nervous, but not much I can do when literally all the donors [with her background] we had to choose from are CMV+!
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Omigosh we are going through this too except with Hispanic sperm. It is so rough 🙁
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Us too! Our wee one is now 2 weeks old but it was frustrating as hell to find a Mexican CMV- donor!
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Thank you for writing this, we went through this too, with Native American sperm. So basically in the end we could not find any 100% Native American sperm. My hopes aren’t high to what our baby will look like but I’ve come to a place of acceptance about it. The other day my wife looked at me and said “I hope she looks like you” which was cute. Our daughter is due on May 1.
Best of luck to you both! <3
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Ugh I hear this!! My girlfriend and I are no where near ready for kids, but on a whim we looked at banks in the New England area. We’re an interracial couple (she’s White and Middle Eastern and I’m White and East Asian) and we decided to settle on a Middle Eastern/East Asian mix as a compromise–which is nearly impossible to find. If anyone knows a guy, hit a girl up!
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
ps – our group is facebook.com/groups/bestspermdonors, or email Joe at joe00donor at gmail dot com.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Loved this and hope we get to hear more about your journey!
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Hi Brittney – thanks for writing!
My partner and I are currently looking for Chinese sperm (she’s Chinese) and we are in Australia and it is the fucking worst.
The public health system offers nothing to non heteros by the way of rebates and legally anonymous sperm can’t be released to individuals – it has to be medically ‘inserted’ which costs $3000+.
Getting sperm is like a practice in feeling shit about yourself and losing all of your life savings. You can pay $700 and go on a waiting list for local sperm – but the wait is usually 12 months plus and there really is only white or more white to choose from. Oooor you can buy from the states but you have to do a minimum order and pay for shipping and mandatory counselling which all up totals $8000! At which point we run into a similar problem to you – very few options. The pool is even smaller considering that the Aus government requires all sperm donors to be identifiable and to go on a contact register.
Anyway I feel your pain and my partner and I are both kicking ourselves that we have spent so much time being angry feminists and now have no men in our lives that we can request sperm from.
Good luck making your babies – it looks like they’re gonna be so so loved.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Hi, Gem! There’s a YouTube channel called “the dandy birds” about a New Zealand lesbian couple who used a local Chinese sperm donor to have their daughter. Maybe he’s an option, if you fancy a flight across the ditch? Check them out and see what you reckon.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
oh my gosh, also a baby crazy queer lady in her mid twenties, though not in a position to have a kid right now, but I look around on donor sites in my spare time and wonder and freak out about what race my kids will be because I’m multiracial and I have a lot of feelings about it, and also how to go about the kid thing when queer. There are like, 4 Vietnamese donors on the website of the largest sperm bank I can find? And then if I adopt domestically, I would likely be raising a black child, which as someone of color-ish with a white mom I am not sure I feel is a service to the child (or maybe it would be fine? I do love my mom, I don’t know!) also, side note, I’m also a Quaker and I would love to hear more about all the stuff you (and others!!) have learned along the way of doing this. I wish autostraddle listed a way to contact you! or did more articles on this topic.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
I am hanging out with the Quakers, and I probably want to adopt at some point, and lots of question marbles rolling around in the back of my mind about race with adoption as a white passing mixed wouldbe parent.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
I hope this becomes a regular series! I would love to hear more about your experience.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
^ Seconded.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Yes, me too!
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
As a person who doesn’t want kids, I’ve never thought about sperm donations and I had no idea it was so much hassle… Sending lots of good vibes your way!
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Same here. There’s so many men walking around I just thought sperm would be as plentiful
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
My wife & I just went through the exact same thing!! I’m white/native and she’s black. We looked online and same thing, hundreds of options dwindled to 4 choices!!!
Luckily in those 4 options we ended up choosing a donor that is black & native but as you also mentioned, at $800 a vial, we only got 3 vials for now. If none of them work out we have decided to move on to another donor but then our options will be even more limited!! Ugh
The struggle is real!! Good luck to you & wish me luck as we’re hoping to do our first IUI this cycle 🙂
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Good Luck!
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Really appreciate this piece. Thanks!
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Don’t blame the sperm banks, blame society for the lack of genetic variation. Well the sperm banks do cater to those who want kids and can afford it so unfortunately that is also the case. But blame society for the bad connotation you get for giving sperm or eggs.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
I can blame this sperm bank: “Applicants with a history of sickle cell anemia or cystic fibrosis, to name two examples, are automatically disqualified. So are those who have ever had sex with other men or used intravenous drugs . . . , if you have tattoos, and whether you’ve been exposed to radiation, among many others.”
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Please reconsider Evangeline 😛
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
I don’t think you can blame the sperm banks for this. The reasons aren’t clear, but even on the private sperm donation sites (where anyone can sign up), there simply aren’t very many minority donors. I help run the Known Donor Registry, and 78% of the donors listed in the USA are white, with just 4.4% being black and 5.3% being Latino. The population is around 63% white, 12% black, and 17% Latino.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
This will be my life in a few years and I’ve been stressed about it for awhile. I sometimes comb through donor databases when I’m bored and I’ve damn near memorized all the Latino ones because there’s only so many. Native ones are a nonexistent. My brother donated (donates?) and is Latino/Native/white and thankfully I’ve narrowed down which one is him so I don’t have to worry about that hahaha. It’s frustrating and rough when you start narrowing down other things like genetic positives, age, number of vials, and willing to be known, etc. Ayyyyy. Good luck.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
I wish this article addressed the major underlying problem with anonymous sperm donation: That it’s still legal in the United States. If you are in a queer relationship trying to conceive with third-party egg or sperm, you need to know: The majority of surveyed adult donor-conceived people in the US _oppose_ anonymous sperm and egg donation, and countries that actually care about donor-conceived people (the UK, Ireland, Belgium, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Norway, Sweden, the Netherlands, Australia, New Zealand, for example) are outlawing anonymous donation and regulating the industry. But in the USA, the American Society for Reproductive Medicine has fought to keep their industry unregulated and to keep actual donor-conceived people from having any voice in their policies. Before you buy into an industry that treats donor-conceived people, like me, like products instead of like human beings, and before you contribute to purchasing a human being away from half of their biological family, genetic health history, and ethnic and cultural heritage, please educate yourself by visiting the Donor Sibling Registry website and AnonymousUS. Then choose a known donor. Thanks for reading.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Thank you so much for writing this. Sometimes I feel like nobody understands why I don’t want to sell out $900 to have a child that doesn’t represent my partner and I and all our beautiful Blackness.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Have you considered a known donor?
I know it’s not for me everyone, but for us it was cheaper.
It has not hurt our friendship with the donor.
Yes it complicated as well– with screening tests for fertility, motility and viability after freezing. But it is another option
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
My coworker and her than girlfriend asked an acquaintance one of them, who she knew for years, for a sperm donation and my friend got pregnant on the first try. The procedure was simple. He said he’d produce his sperm at the appointed time (say 7 PM), they would pick it up 2 minutes later (in a cup) and then squirt it inside my friends vagina with a syringe within a half an hour (sperm doesn’t live more than an hour outside he body). This was the first and only time they did the syringe procedure (and they did it in their car!) The sperm donor was Mexican/White and my friend (is Spanish/Greek/German) baby looks Native Indian Mexican, not European. The cost to them was a syringe and they guy received no payment.
The only concern I would have is that the guy take a STD test and be questioned on genetic diseases in his family before proceeding (which I don’t think they did). They also didn’t have the guy sign a legal agreement, waiving all parental interest in the baby (I thought that was really dumb of her.) All is well with my friend (who had the baby) but her marriage to her now wife is on shaky ground 4 yrs after the birth of their daughter.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Feel you! When I listen to my white friends talk about picking their donor, it’s like they went on tindr dates with all these donors. The world was their oyster! It was hard to pare down the choices! Or it was easy to choose someone they liked!
Not for us. I really wanted Korean sperm (because I’m Korean) and I also had exactly two options at the sperm bank we chose. So I picked the one that was most medically compatible with me and that was that… We couldn’t “shop” from the donors that were already on-site at the fertility center because–big surprise–no Koreans to be found, so we had to pay for shipping and storage on top of the cost of the damn sperm. I didn’t have the luxury of choosing a donor who shared values with me. I just have to hope that it doesn’t matter that our donor seems like someone I definitely would not have mated with outside of a sterile IUI environment!
Aaaanyway, I’ll tell you it is 100% worth it to have a beautiful baby who is 100% Korean. <3 Good luck to you both!
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Have you ever thought of obeying GOD’s law for your life. He has laid it out for us in a special book He sent to us. There are many instances where He has heard the cries of His children. Remember what He told us in Galatians 6:7. And yes I’ve reaped what I have sown. Yet the GOD of mercy still sees me as son. Please come back to your first love and seek He’s will and way.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
G-d loves all of G-d’s children just the way G-d made us. I hope G-d sends you understanding and peace.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Thank you Ms. Eve. GOD has truly giving me the peace that passes all understanding. My statement is based on 5k years of recorded history. When we follow HIS plan for our lives we will truly be blessed.
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Is that the “special book” that’s riddled with contradictions and abusurdity? You know, the one where owning slaves or killing your children is ok, but eating shellfish or wearing clothes of two fabrics is a sin? The one that doesn’t mention sperm donation or lesbian parenting?
You need to login in order to like this post: click here
Thank you ml66uk. Those are questions that can be answered by taking the BIBLE in its entirety. The law in the Old Testament shows us that we can never work to earn our salvation. It also points to the only ONE that can save us from sin.
The contradictions that you might be speaking of have all been validated as not contradictory and an open mind study of the Scriptures will reveal this to you. Please continue to ask questions and have an open mind of what GOD can teach you.