Wedding Feelings I’m Powering Through: 18 Day Countdown

Well this is a week late! Usually I power through my wedding feelings on Sunday night and all day Monday, but last week went a little differently and so I am SUPER BEHIND on my powering. It’s not ideal but it is




As so many things are, am I right? Am I so entirely correct? I am.

first RSVP!

first RSVP!

Feelings Already Powered Through Two Weeks Ago:

12. New Haircut: This went well! I told my stylist that I thought I’d be doing my own hair for the wedding and he showed me some techniques and gave me some product tips to get the look I wanted. He was also running late that day, so I got a free iced green tea and lord have mercy it was delicious.

13. This Script: I had a weirdly productive night with the script about a week and a half ago and haven’t really looked at it since. I think I’ll just leave the uncredited excerpt as it is. I’ll make sure our officiant knows where the section came from, in case she ever wants to use it in someone else’s script, and if I ever post the ceremony script anywhere, I’ll credit the guy then. BOOM.

14. Megan Has Nothing to Wear Yet: As mentioned in the update, Megan actually does have something to wear. This item morphed into The Kids Have Nothing to Wear Yet, so guess what! Megan took them shopping this morning — and they got haircuts — so this one is well on its way to being POWERED ENTIRELY THROUGH.

17. And We’ve Elected to Make Our Own Cake(s): Good news! We’re still going to make our own cakes! I’m doing a weirdo thyme cake with lemon and strawberries, Megan’s making some gluten-free vegan cupcakes (WITHOUT LAVENDER), and we’re getting some chocolate chip cookies to round out the dessert table. Nothing says “this is a chilled out party” like chocolate chip cookies, so I’m pretty excited about this addition. The best part is that one of Megan’s co-workers will be finishing up the frosting and decorating on the cakes the morning of the wedding, so we won’t have to worry about all the last minute stuff and we still get to make something homemade for everyone. Yay!

BONUS THING: Last Tuesday we went on a lunch date and picked up our marriage license and wow, that was intense! I had preoccupied my brain with directions to the building and what times I thought wouldn’t be the busiest and did we bring our photo IDs, etc. So it wasn’t until we were about a thousand feet from the courthouse when I realized what we were doing — we were two women, about to walk into a government building and fill out paperwork for a legal document that, up until a few months ago, we couldn’t have obtained. Would the person issuing the marriage license do or say something horrible because we’re queer? Could they refuse to issue it at all? They couldn’t, right?

But the lady issuing the license was perfectly polite and excited for us. Then we went to Chipotle to celebrate, which is where we realized that the majority of our Chipotle visits happen after A-Camp, when we’re starving and on the verge of emotional collapse (love you A-Camp!), but that this time I was in a pretty dress and wearing my grandmother’s shoes and there we were, two girls eating guacamole, getting ready to commit to a thing forever. The world is weird and fantastic!

Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset

I thought I was on track, then I took what was supposed to be a nice soothing shower one night last week and it hit me — like I counted out on my fingers and everything — that I essentially had two and a half weeks left to pin down every single loose end and move on with my life. Two! And a half!

So I calmed myself down by going after some of the crafting projects I hadn’t started yet. I tackled the table number signage, which had been a lingering issue because I knew what I didn’t want but of course had no idea what I did want. We picked up some of those Tolsby frames you’ve seen everywhere and I made those motherfuckers MINE. Then I went to town sewing a paper mobile for the welcome room, and like two hundred extra feet of matching garland because I’d cut too much paper and Jaws was on and sewing paper is addictive. We printed, cut and scored the kraft paper for the favor boxes, along with 40+ templates to make the starry escort cards. We even finalized the wedding itinerary!

photo 1 (4)

And now I’ve hit a wall. I’m tired and annoyed. I knew planning a wedding would be hard and weird and tough, but I thought it would still be fun? It’s not fun anymore. I don’t know if this is normal or if I’m an asshole or both, and maybe one day I’ll regret being so honest with y’all, but I’m done. I don’t remember the last time I went to bed without crying first. I know it’s fleeting and this will all be over soon, but I thought I’d enjoy this time — like if I planned accordingly and didn’t sweat the small stuff and tried to stay upbeat, I could look back on these last few weeks fondly. But I don’t feel fondly about anything. I all just looks like a giant money pit, where you put money when you never ever want to see it again, and then you invite your parents to also put their money there so they never get to see it again. Wheeee! So these wedding feelings aren’t actually being powered through at all. They’re being stared at while I drink coffee and cry like a fucking idiot.


Wedding Feelings I’m Staring At: 18-24

18. The Stuff Under the Dress

When I was little my mom got me a white satin training bra with a bright red Strawberry Shortcake logo in the center. I wanted to love it but the elastic was itchy and tight, then I realized you could see the logo through my light colored tops and I was too embarrassed to wear it again. For the next one million years I only wore beige or white bras because I didn’t want them to be visible through my clothes. Until I met Megan and I understood why people wore black underthings. I was like HOLD UP I look super good in black bras! And red bras! Here’s a black lace bra oh I bet I look good in that too YEP I DO I’ll buy two of those, etc! Unbeige bras infinity!!

Now I don’t have any beige bras to wear under this dress! I have to drag myself to a place that sells bras — and I guess I should do this with the dress on hand? — and I have to find a diggity dang bra! GAH. And the stupid thing has to be strapless I think. I like bra shopping about as much as I like shopping for jeans or shaving off my own fingernails, but it’s ok. I’ll trick myself into being excited about it because I’ll also go to the bookstore while I’m out. HAHA BRA SHOPPING WHO’S THE WINNER NOW. It’s me.


THE PLAYLIST YOU GUYS THE PLAY. LIST. THE MUSIC. I HAVE TO MAKE THE PLAYLIST AND I HAVEN’T DONE IT YET. I keep telling myself that if all else fails we’ll just crank up Echoes of Fleetwood Mac and call it a fucking day, and let me tell you that wouldn’t be the worst thing on earth, but! I really want to hear that one Grateful Dead song that I love so much, and the Beatles song that Paul played at Bonnaroo in 2013, and the Blind Pilot song! I guess this is where I say that a DJ would’ve made sense to splurge on, but when your budget is $2k and a DJ is roughly 1/4 of that budget, it seems ridiculous!

Also I really like making playlists, so I thought this would be a fun, relaxing time-suck. But then—

get it

get it?

OK real talk: do you wanna add some songs to the mockup playlist we’ve thrown together on Spotify? Right now it’s in no particular order and it needs more Haim. I can’t put “I Love You, Honeybear” on there, can I? And is “Wild Horses” ever appropriate? Like are wild horses ever literally or even metaphorically trying to drag you away from your person? And if so what kind of life are you living? Idk there’s just something about that song.

Oh and if you know someone in the greater Phoenix area who can play an acoustic/violin/ukulele version of “Sweet Disposition” while we walk down to the altar, do please let me know, as that is my dream scenario.

20. Need Moar Signage!

Ask me how many times I’ve used the word ‘signage’ in the past two months.

All the crafting stuff we did over the weekend was great, so I have faith that these last few signs will come to me eventually, but right now they’re just sort of hovering in the periphery like a Snuffleupagus family, managing to be both terrifying and calming all at the same time.

created by the illustrious Heather Hogan

created by the illustrious Heather Hogan

21. Dead People Stuff

Hey would it be weird to take my tiny urn of my dad’s ashes to our wedding and put them on the tea cart next to our ‘sweetheart table,’ so we could hang out? I’m incorporating my dead grandparents in other ways: a blue silk handkerchief from my grandmother’s collection, my grandfather’s silver dollar, her amethyst necklace, and I think I might even wear her shoes. But it feels like my dad is just all in my heart. I have a bird shaped rock that he painted, but it’s in a shadow box that’s been fastened to my wall because I guess I’m afraid of earthquakes (??), so there’s no getting it down until we decide to move out. I have (tons of) his albums, and I’ve added a couple of specific songs to the playlist already, but those don’t command attention or space. His ashes take up physical space, songs and my heart can’t do that, and I want him there so much. Is it morbid? Will it be too much for some/most/all people?

22. I’m Serious About That Friday

Right now my number one goal (apart from a successful wedding day AND MARRIAGE DUH) is to have a stress-free wedding eve! My parents get in on Thursday, and I just want to relax with my mom on Friday and do the fun stuff. The plan is to get to Trader Joe’s early that morning to pick up flowers, then I’ll take my mom to get her little nails done. After lunch, we’ll come back home, whip up a couple of cake layers, make some boutonnières and bouquets and hang out with Megan and the kids and my stepdad and just be together. Is it possible? Can I get all the heavy lifting and the little details taken care of before that Friday? I’m really so good at procrastinating and falling behind and overestimating myself, and also forgetting things! If you’ve gone through a wedding and managed your time wisely, please PLEASE share your wisdom. I’ve got spreadsheets and schedules and plans, but I’m still not sure I can pull this off.

23. Am I Overcomplicating Things?

My mother would say yes to this question right away, without even asking for more details, but here’s the deal: we’re setting up an Instax Mini 8 camera for people to take pictures of themselves for the guest book. I feel like this’ll be pretty simple — there’ll be SIGNAGE after all — and hopefully fun? I’d also like to provide some old film cameras so guests can take pictures of whatever they want throughout the night, I guess because I love cameras? And film? I don’t know man, I just think it sounds FUN! But is it too much? Will people be like LORD HAVE MERCY ENOUGH WITH MAKING US TAKE PICTURES OF SHIT. Will someone drop a camera in the pool? Will anyone even want to participate? Am I forcing an activity on people?

Did I ever tell you that I threw a Halloween party about 13 years ago and only one person came and he wasn’t wearing a costume? That’s really had a negative impact on my party-throwing feelings, I think.

Anyway! Wanna help me pick which cameras go on the camera table that maybe no one will want to play with? OK COOL!


Options include (clockwise from top left) a waterproof Minolta Weathermatic A, a Kodak Star 110, a Minolta SRT 101, a Minolta X-700, a Canon T50, and a Lomography Fisheye 2. I have flashes available for everything but the Canon, if that kind of thing sways your decision one way or the other.

24. Hey Speaking of Photography!

Megan’s sister is gifting us with a wedding photographer! Which was so unexpected and sweet and amazing and I’m basically dying with gratitude. We’re meeting up with the sister and the photographer tomorrow and I’m really nervous because I’ve spent the last three million years of my life (roughly) looking at wedding photos and I have so many specifics in mind — again, mostly of the things I don’t want — yet I am so so terrible at speaking up for myself and giving directions, because I don’t want to be difficult to work with or come off as a controlling bitch! Ack! I don’t like posing for portraits — my face does this wacky fucked up thing when I know a camera is pointed at it and I end up looking like a gargoyle on acid — yet I know we’ll need to pose for at least a few and that’s fine, whatever, maybe a witch or several witches will cast a spell of beauty/normal face movements around my head for the day (ahem, hint). Maybe I will take a xanax and pretend her camera is a box of bunnies! Who knows!

IT IS ALL GOING TO BE OK! Are you also powering through / staring at wedding feelings? Let’s talk about it! Or maybe you’ve already powered through yours and could help the rest of us! Don’t forget you can reach us directly by emailing youneedhelp @ What a glorious time to be alive!

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Laneia is the Director of Operations and founding member of Autostraddle, and you're the reason she's here.

Laneia has written 927 articles for us.


  1. wow you were right about the snuffleupaguses they are AMAZING.

    21. I wore my dead grandma’s bracelet! It made me feel better, I don’t know. I don’t think it would be weird if it’s not weird to you.

    19. I was already picking out Haim songs to add to that! Perf.

    23. This is gonna go great! It’s fine. It’s kind of complicated but also it’s a wedding and if there’s anything it’s ok to complicate it’s that. Someone is probably gonna drop a camera in the pool, but I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how much of a non-issue it is in the moment.


  2. I recently put Wild Horses on a mix cd for a girl I think is pretty and the world didn’t break. I THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT.

    Wait I just remembered it was Beast of Burden that I put on the mix. Wild Horses rules though.

    • omg i had beast of burden on this playlist and then thought oh wow maybe “am i rough enough” isn’t what i want megan’s super proper aunt to be listening to while she eats her hummus.

      BUT YEAH i love that song!

  3. My sister, who is a professional photographer, makes fun of ALL of my #selfies, because I have no idea what to do with my face infront of a camera. When I’m in a social setting and someone wants to take a picture, same — I become a total amorphous weirdo and ruin the photo… Still, when my sister takes my photo, and when professionals take my photo, they somehow just GET IT. They’re pros! It’s what they do! They know just when to snap the photo, they know also how to make you feel comfortable and forget the camera is even there. My sister’s go-to trick is to pretend she’s tinkering with the camera but she’s really just snapping the best candids. She says it works even on professional models, because they’re always posing, and she likes to photograph them being /real/ even while they’re posing. All of which is to say, you’re all going to look so beautiful and the photographer will be able to capture that perfectly. <3

    • YES even when i take selfies i look like a gargoyle! thank you this has made me feel so much better. i’m just going to remind myself that it’s her job to find the split second when my face isn’t contorting into something awful and then trust in the fact that she can and will do her job. wooooooo face!

  4. Here’s a lil’ comment thread for any Phoenicians re: the musician to play acoustic/violin/ukulele version of “Sweet Disposition”.

    Sadly I can’t play those instruments BUT I am in Phx and would be happy to ask the Queerbomb Phx ladyqueers I know.

    I bet there’s a guitar-playing Phoenician straddler though!

    But if one doesn’t turn up, I volunteer to ask around if you like.

  5. Re: your hatred of bra shopping, there is a service called True&Co where they’ve catalogued the fit properties of all the bras they stock so after you answer a quiz about how bras tend to fit you, they assign you a booby shape type and suggest bras that will fit said type and size, you order 5 bras to try for free with free shipping, and decide within 5 days which one(s) you’re buying. I can email you a referral link for $25 off–let me know if you’d like it! And congratulations!

  6. Laneia!

    19. Oh my goodness. This is already a great playlist. I love it. I wouldn’t just say this. Like Laneia, I wouldn’t lie to you. (but I’m totally going to take some time to add some).

    23. I just went to a wedding that had Insta Max 8 cameras and it was the best thing! I loved it so much. I mean, whatever. If you put it in front of people they will do it. You know? Like build it they will come. It’s your day.

    • yay!! yes please do add some music. and see that’s what i was thinking too — if i pile a bunch of cameras on a table, surely somebody will be like O RAD, CAMERAS.

      um also this instant camera is so awesome and i can’t waittttt to use it this summer and also at a-camp! i so far i’ve only taken pictures of penny and she looks super cute in tiny credit card sized pictures.

  7. RE: Cameras. My cousin is a photographer, and at her wedding they had a disposable camera on each table. It’s fun, everyone knows how to use one and it doesn’t matter if one gets dropped in the pool! Maybe you could buy some cheap ones of those and scatter them in with the old film cameras. Not everyone will know how to use one of those or they might be worried about dropping them/breaking them. BUT, no matter what camera is about, they will definitely get used, promise!

      • Argh. Hit submit too soon. I remember disposable cameras at a couple weddings I went too ages ago and they were a lot of fun.

        I’d also say that getting the film processed for our wedding photos (14 years ago) was a huge pain – I remember feeling overwhelmed by the contact sheets and having to pull out the right negatives. You may be better at that sort of thing than I am. But I’d recommend disposable digital cameras.

  8. “Wild Horses” is actually two songs merged into one – Jagger wrote the verses and needed a chorus, Richards had the “wild horses” part already written for a different song, and they just merged the two for lack of anything better! So yeah, the chorus is kind of disconnected, but the overall sentiment is still v. romantic and should be included on your playlist :)

    • Ugh. I loved Wild Horses, and used it for the wedding I had with my ex-husband, before he became addicted to his painkillers, refused to go to rehab/NA, and then became scary-possessive and decided he wasn’t OK with my bisexuality as he had thought.
      Now I’m just super disappointed that I’ve already used the song, and ppprrooobbabbllyyy can’t get away with using it a second time if I get married again. Which is sad, because I used both the original, and an instrumental version in my wedding/reception, that’s how much I love the song.
      Long story short: Use it.

  9. As for incorporating your dad, my sister is doing a thing where she’s putting a big 8×10 of our dad and grandma on a table with candles and some sort of signage? Maybe yes?

    Also, making bouquets and boutonnières was unexpectedly the most agitating task I’ve helped her with as MOH (granted she wanted fake flowers and that was a whole other ugh). Please mentally prepare appropriately, darling.

    BUT YOU’VE GOT THIS. We believe in you. <3

    • thank you stormy i will definitely heed this advice! i think i’m going to just carry a single flower, but i’m still super perplexed by boutonnieres in general and have mostly been feeling like “when the time comes, so too will this knowledge.” LIVING ON THE EDGE.

      • boutonnieres: super easy. Grab a flower, grab some wire, wrap that shit together with floral tape (which is the trickiest part– you have to stretch it out so it gets sticky. Stretch it in sections as you work; just enough to wrap around one or two times) then, if you don’t like floral tape, cover it with ribbon or twine or something. Also, you can always just do one or two loops of floral tape, and then tie a piece of twine around it so the bottom of the stems poke out, like a tiny tiny bouquet!
        Anyway, YOU GOT THIS! If you need any help and youtube isn’t doin’ it for you, I’d love to help via internet or phone or something!

  10. Taylor Morris ( is awesome at weddings and a Mesa, az native. If he’s not available, he teaches violin in Phoenix and could probably find you a student group for less $$$.

  11. Two and a half weeks before my wedding was distinctly un-fun. I was just super over it all and it felt like it had turned into a series of deadlines and to-do lists and why the f*ck did I think DIY favours were a good idea again? Totally worth it in the end, I think you just have to power through that phase too.

    • ok THANK GOODNESS bc i was legit feeling like a monster here. you nailed it — like a series of deadlines and to-do lists. just knowing i’m not a lone grumpy wedding hag has made me feel 90% better, so thank you cat!

  12. I think the urn is a great idea (coming from the view of alive parents), and really touching.

    I LOVE the camera idea, though are they easy to work? As long as people can point and shoot, i bet you will get a lot of great photos, and hopefully better than people’s phone cameras.

    My friend just had a wedding and had the most amazing music all night if you like partying to 80s/90s jamz, then let me know and i can see if she has a playlist.

    • a couple of them are point and shoot, a couple are manual dealies. i’m just now realizing that slade and i might be the only people using the manual ones all night, and maybe that’ll be ok.

      wait — i can take pictures at my own wedding right? i bet that’s a normal thing that people do, when they’re weird.

  13. Full disclosure: I skimmed this post. But I have things to contribute! I got married on Saturday and it was absolutely amazing. The guests. The food. The cake. The scenery. The playlist. Amazing.

    We figured out the parking situation two days before the wedding. The guest quantity ended up closer to 50 than the anticipated 80 rsvp’d, and it was just the right amount of people to enjoy talking to every single one of them. We took playlist suggestions on our wedding website and whether we ended up using all of the songs suggested or not, it was a great help so we didn’t have to come up with the whole thing ourselves.

    It was so perfect. Obviously, the most important part is that I NOW HAVE A WIFE. I hope that your wedding turns out similarly. Breathe. The day will come and go whether you are stressed or calm, but my guess is that if you’re calm, you’ll enjoy it so much more.

    • AMANDA congratulations!! i’m so excited and happy for you! i don’t think i’ve ever heard anyone say their wedding went perfectly — like usually people tell you to be prepared for at least one thing to go super wrong. this is just the sweetest comment! we’re also having around 40ish people, so it’s cool to hear that we’ll be able to really hang out with everyone, because that’s literally all i want to do (besides eat cake and get married).


      • I’m so excited to hear all about it. Seriously, seeing my best friends and favorite family members and enjoying their company was my main goal. We also had a pre-wedding “come hang out with us if you want to see us more while we’re in town” dinner at a super chill place in Austin the night before, and it was also perfect. Seriously. You’ll do fine.

  14. I think you should totally have the urn at your wedding because that’s what you want and you deserve to have what you want. People planning weddings always get really concerned with everyone else but really, a wedding is like a birthday party x 100 in that it should be about you and what you desire/enjoy/envision. So go for it! If people can’t handle it, I doubt they will tell you anyway. They will just talk about it afterwards in which case, WHO CARES YOU’RE MARRIED AND YOU FEEL GREAT WOO!

    • thank you amanda!! i’m super duper taking this whole comment to heart, but especially “If people can’t handle it, I doubt they will tell you anyway. They will just talk about it afterwards in which case, WHO CARES YOU’RE MARRIED AND YOU FEEL GREAT WOO!”

  15. Yes to the ashes.

    My best advice for “face does weird things to camera” effect (the act of observing changes that which is being observed) is to look at the camera like it someone you love. Give it the look that says “I love you so much, and I’m so proud of you, and maybe I’m encouraging you a little bit because you’re nervous, and do you see in my eyes how I love you?” It is also super weird to imagine a camera is a friend/love/relative and you are giving it love eyes but it sure works.

    • ok this is brilliant advice and feels perfectly tailored to me and i’m going to try it tonight! thank you!! i got nervous when i started reading “my best advice for…” bc i thought you were going to tell me to do the squint thing that everyone talks about and i was gonna have to let you down super gently and be like “oh honey i’m sorry i’ve tried that and it just makes me look like i’m possessed by a demon AND someone squirted lemon juice in my eyes.”

      BUT HECK YES i think i can actually do thisssss

      • I felt super awkward with our photographer for our posed photos and was worried they would be horrible (they weren’t). In addition to looking at the camera like you love it you can also focus a lot on looking at Megan who you will probably feel super in love with on your wedding day. Our photographer wanted a lot of pictures of us focusing on each other, which helped because my wife looked so pretty and I made her help me be less awkward and she had lines to occasionally whisper in my ear to make me laugh and loosen up.

        Also, what is the squint thing… ?

        • Also also, it made things so much smoother when we made a list of all the posed family shots we wanted for sure, with people’s names to the side. We gave a copy to the photographer. You could put someone in charge of rounding up people. We hadn’t had nice family pictures done in so long it was a nice chance to get them.

  16. another dead parent club member chiming in to say DO THE URN.

    i have no such urn, but now i do have the delightful (no sarcasm) task of spending the next indefinite-amount-of-time pondering what my own urn-equivalent would be if i ever get married.

  17. I think every party playlist needs at least one Blondie song. Also, the new Marina and the Diamonds album is amazing. But it’s your wedding so I won’t name a thousand more things like I actually want to!

    Oh, and maybe you should get the photographer to hide like a nature photographer so they can capture you in all your beautiful, natural, un-gargoyle glory.

  18. I’m gonna go with it’s your party and you can do what you want to (as long as you don’t totally make your guests miserable) and that means you should have the urn and also play Wild Horses if that is what makes you happy. I realize those are totally different things but it’s YOUR PARTY. People should get why you want some element of your dad around. And if everybody hates that song it’s only like, what, five minutes long? WHATEVER. Go have another cookie to balance it out.

  19. You are doing such an amazing job! may I remind you that people pay other people large sums of money to do this for them precisely bc it is so fucking hard!! I think it is totally normal to feel overwhelmed and annoyed but just focus on all you have accomplished! I think after all your hard work, you could reasonably just stop planning right now and you’d still have an event. it’s kinda like when you calculate the absolute lowest score you could possibly get on a final and still pass the class not because you won’t study and stress yourself stupid but just to assure yourself that you won’t fail? think about all the things you could just not care about at this point and still have a wedding to go to. you’ve basically done it already! (this was supposed to be helpful but maybe doesn’t make sense? idk my brain is weird. I’m just nervous for you and want you to feel proud of yourself because YOU SHOULD BE and it will all work out.)

    “wild horses” will never not make me think of marky mark fingerblasting reese witherspoon on a rollercoaster. it was a formative experience in my youth so unfortunately I can’t give an unbiased opinion on this matter. however bonnie raitt’s “not the only one” is like ughhhhh my fave and also one of my best friends used “the best” by tina turner last year as her wedding song and I mean just when I thought I couldn’t love her more? I now can’t imagine any wedding being all it could be without that song. I have soo many playlist feelingssss. maybe I’ll try to add a couple if i can figure out how one does that. if not my friend has a ten year old daughter I can ask if I get desperate.

    speaking of youths! your kids getting dressed up for your wedding maybe made me want to cry? just a little? more than a little?

  20. I know I’m super late to the party and everyone has already given such sound advice, but this is my favorite thing on AS right now and I can’t help by respond. You’re so honest about how you feel and are saying what every other bride has wanted to scream from a mountain top while planning. Love it.

    First, I just wanted to give you a giant hug when you said you are drinking coffee and crying – SO UNDERSTAND. I think almost everyone who has been through planning any type of major event can relate. I’m so sorry for the tears – but coffee is so good right?

    Second, even though you’re crying, YOU ARE DOING SO WELL! Look at all the progress you’ve made, for real. You’re checkin’ shit off the list left and right.

    18) Take a picture of your dress to Victoria’s Secret, show it to them, and let them worry about it. They’ll pick you out a few, measure you to make sure it’s a good size, etc. Take Megan with you – VS is so fun with your person – just saying!


    21) If anyone at your wedding thinks having your dad’s ashes there is weird, I think maybe they should leave…

    22) I think your Friday plan sounds great – just make sure that what’s happening around you isn’t going to stress you out! I don’t know your family so this could be totally unnecessary, but thinking of helping my perfectionist mom make corsages makes me cringe a little, and I’m convinced the kids in my family are on something – I’d need them as far from me as possible. But again, MY family – I bet yours is totally fine and you lucked out with people who will make your day super chill. Yay you!

    And yes, LISTS LISTS LISTS. It looks like you’ve got that done though, kudos! You may already have this as a column, but I always add a “Needs To Be Done By” one. You can put the date that certain tasks can/must be completed by, filter them by day, and check them off as you go. BOOM. I also like putting ALL of my To Do’s on the same sheet; that way if I don’t feel like doing a big thing I can do a few little things and I feel better. Advice: decorate as early as possible! Get it out of the way because it always takes longer than you think.

    23) Awesome cameras, I would love to play with these at a wedding!

    24) More than likely when you meet with the photographer they’ll ask you to come up with a list of ‘must have’ shots – this is not you being controlling at all, this is you getting a picture of something that’s really important! And the more things are the way you want them, the happier you’ll be. And the happier you are, the better your pictures turn out. Problem solved!

    Seriously, thanks for taking the time to write all this. I know you probably want to pull your hair out and you have a million other things you could be doing FOR your wedding rather than writing ABOUT it, but I’m confident it’s helping those who feel in the same boat. And your day is going to be fantastic, thanks for giving us all a glimpse. YOU GOT THIS!

  21. Laneia, you can do this!

    If your lists and lists are overwhelming rather than aiding you, have you made sure you’ve prioritised everything on there? Like, you could probably split it all into 3 groups:

    1. Things that you need to do or the wedding won’t happen
    2. Things that you’d be really upset if they didn’t get done, but the day could proceed without them
    3. Things that you’d be a bit upset if they didn’t get done, but you could live with AND things that you could use a lesser alternative for in a pinch

    If you can tick off everything in group 1, then you will know that no matter what happens with your signage and cameras etc, you still end up married at the end of the day, preferably clothed and fed. Once you have confidence in that outcome, hopefully that will give you breathing room to go after everything else.

    For things in group 3, many of these are probably things you can farm out to friends and family, who are probably champing at the bit to be your personal wedding task rabbits, because weddings do this to people. Try and give them as much as you feel comfortable, because this will make them happy, while freeing up some of your organisational capacity. Obvs, don’t do it if you don’t think they are responsible enough and you will just fret.

    Usually when I am stressed to the point of tears, it’s because I am exceeding my organisational bandwidth. If you can cut down the overall work by farming out minor tasks, and reduce how much you have to focus on at once by prioritising the most important stuff, then hopefully you will feel much more on top of things and able to sleep sob-free!

  22. Oh Laneia,

    Wish you would’ve put some feelers out. I know a couple of gay female DJs that would’ve played for your reception for less than half of what you budgeted. You select the playlist and they will play it. Look up Musa Mind on Facebook or Nube on Facebook if you change your mind of who you have now. They play at SideBar in Phoenix.

    Also, a musician for your song? Contact Jane Joyce on or on Facebook. Very talented. Family.

  23. I also only managed to skim this post but I will defo be coming back to read it properly…I just wanted to say a huge congratulations! (Or as we say in Wales, “LLONGYFARCHIADAU!”)
    Now, I got married once…to a man…didn’t end well…because he was a man. HOWEVER…I could totally relate to a lot of what you were saying. I’m not one to dish out specific advice as I think that can be dangerous but fuck my want pink floyd? Have pink floyd. You want your dads ashes? Take your own advice and YOU DO YOU!
    Every day is over so quickly, and the special ones seem to go even faster. You can always skip a song if it doesn’t feel right on the day. And personally I think it’s a beautiful thing to have your dads ashes there too.
    But hey, I’m emotional and tired after being in hospital with my daughter all night, so right now my advice is emotionally fuelled and probably utter nonsense! I just related to the pre-wedding stresses you described and how they can ruin the lead up to the wedding…and they don’t have to!
    I’m so tired I’ll probably forget I even wrote this. I’m going back to bed.
    You’re doing amazing.

  24. One of my best friend’s is getting married this weekend, and it’s been lovely reading this series, in the lead up to her wedding. She’s doing a fairly casual/relaxed type thing too, and I think she was also blown away by just how much organising there was to do, even wanting to keep the whole thing casual.

    I’m sure your wedding will be beautiful and lovely!

  25. This might be an overshare, but Laneia, I’ve read this entire article in tears, nodding in agreement and wanting to tell you that you’re pretty fucking awesome.

    Being so open, raw and confronting takes true courage. In those moments of despair, I hope you know that you’re inspiring and providing so much hope/joy/feelings to those of us looking for our very own Megan. This love is echoing throughout the world, and making it a better place.

    You do you, Laneia. Massive congratulations and love.

  26. I love these posts a lot.

    Yes to the urn. It’s Megan and your day, and so you should do whatever makes that day the best day for you both. You guests are there to celebrate with you, in the way that you want to celebrate.

    I went to a friends wedding recently, and her father is also dead. Her fathers ashes were spread outside their beach house. So at the wedding they had a sand ceremony, where they combined sand from their respective beach homes, and that was my friends way to subtly bring her dad into the equation. It was really lovely.

    Re wedding playlist. Again, do whatever feels right to you. You want Wild Horses? Well Wild Horses there will be then. Songs at weddings I’ve attended recently that got folks excited include:
    – Robyn, Call Your Girlfriend
    – Whitney Houston, I Wanna Dance with Somebody
    – Beyonce, Crazy in Love & Love on Top
    – Florence & the Machine, You’ve Got the Love

  27. My friends lit candles during their ceremony for those who couldn’t be there. I think your dad should take up some physical space on the day if you want him to.

    P.S. I added some music to your playlist – it’s kind of a weird mix of Nicki Minaj and Nick Cave. BECAUSE THAT’S HOW I ROLL.

  28. If the urn will make you feel complete and happy on this day then take it for sure!
    you do you!

    Also, I love the idea of having cameras around to let people take their own photos.
    When you look back at this day and have photos that were candidly taken by the people you love the memories will seem much more personal and genuine.

  29. I just wanted to drop in and say that the night before my wedding, I was up at 3am yelling at Waffle about how he was not helping enough while I was hand-cleaning my childhood pez dispenser collection (our favors) with q-tips and he was still working on some photo book thing. And even though I procrastinated a lot and things were pretty anxiety-producing at times, the day itself was amazing and relatively stress-free and I feel like you are going to have such an amazing day! So cry it out!

    Also solidarity on marriage licenses. SO WEIRD. We got legal married a few months before our wedding wedding because it wasn’t legal yet and it was all very surreal.

    Thanks for sharing all your feelings and thoughts with us! You are doing the goddess’s work. And you are totally going to pull this all off!

  30. I say yes to everything but especially the urn. It’s your wedding and it’s your dad, so if people don’t like it, too bad. That also applies to everything else you’re worrying about – it’s your wedding!! Make it perfect for you and other people can make their weddings perfect for them.

    Also your wedding sounds like one I’d be dying to go to, so KEEP GOING LANEIA YOU’RE AMAZING.

  31. OMG the marriage license feels. It felt so important and unbelievable and then right beforehand a song highly relevant to our first date came on in the coffee shop where we were waiting so obviously I cried.

    Show your photographer example photos! And then know that she’ll take some amazing shots you didn’t expect and some weird shots that make your face look horrible that never have to see the light of day.

    Ditto the advice about roping your family/friends into things. You know who the people are who are still going to love you no matter what you make them do immediately before your wedding. Best to pick people who have been involved with a big event before because they know how to solve problems without freaking you out.

    Good luck, power through, because there are amazing things to come.

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