Wedding Feelings I’m Powering Through: 10 Day Countdown?!

Blargh I don’t know how to write about wedding feelings this week.

Megan has two sisters. We found out last Wednesday that one of them doesn’t support our marriage, which was like… trying to swallow sawdust? Or play a piano with your forehead or teach a hamster how to cook paella. Or it was like making sense of Lost but you’ve only seen Seasons 1 and 4. It was like being a gluten-free vegan at In-N-Out. It was like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife so you can shove it in your own ears.

It was like opening your eyes to find you’ve been dropped off on a weirdo upside-down planet where your future sister-in-law doesn’t believe your relationship is as valid or worthy or as important as hers (and not because you’re a scoundrel or a philandering fool, but because you’re a woman). It was like watching your most favorite person’s heart split open while she cries on a bean bag chair in the living room floor. It was like the worst, the fucking worst! Blargh INFINITY.

I keep feeling the need to quantify this or temper it with some acknowledgment of privilege, but the real truth is that it’s not my sister who did this, it’s Megan’s. I’m now the most privileged between the two of us, and I can’t speak to what it feels like to have your oldest sister disregard your basic existence like this. It’s certainly not as awful as literal death, but it sure as fuck does seem to suck a lot.

couldn't power through, so megan set up a table of good stuff for me

couldn’t power through this post, so megan set up a table of good stuff for me. because megan’s too good for anyone.

I wasn’t going to talk about it here because it’s still raw and still happening. Megan is a fucking saint, so not only does she still love her sister fiercely, but she’s also hoping the rest of the family won’t be hostile toward *Jess over her decision not to attend our wedding with her husband and three kids. She’s worried about Jess’s heart and has been checking in on her daily, reminding her that we still love her, and we’re still coming to her daughter’s first communion the weekend after our wedding, etc. Maybe it’s not that Megan’s a saint — maybe she’s just figuring out how to balance her own feelings with the feelings of someone she loves. Maybe she’s just being a good sister. Anyway I wasn’t going to talk about it, but this is a real-time column about planning for a wedding, and a lot of you have gone through something similar and you deserve to know that you’re certainly not alone! We all deserve to know that even the beautiful parts of being alive can sometimes be a fucking shitshow.

So we drove home from Jess’s house in shock. I spoke first, then Megan.

“I just.”
“Did you see this coming?”
“No. Never.”
“I feel like I’m in an after school special.”
“This is crazy. It’s not like her.”
“I’m livid. I can’t even form words.”
“I don’t even know what to say.”
“While she was talking, I was imagining myself throwing furniture out of windows and screaming. I can’t believe she would—”

And then Megan, “I feel like lying on the bathroom floor and crying forever.”

And then me, “Ok. I’ll be there.”

We’d been living in Wedding Planning Hell World, where every conversation was about to-do lists and money and asking for input on things that neither of us had given a single fuck about three months ago. Every last bit of fun or excitement had been sucked out of us and we were miserable. We almost dreaded seeing each other because it just meant we’d have to talk about this g-d party again. But then this bullshit happened — Jess punted Megan’s heart off the side of a cliff — and as totally fucked as this sounds, we got the chance to just be us again. We cleared our schedules for the night and took turns reassuring each other that we are valid as fuck, that she’s wrong, that her kids would still love Megan as much as she loved them, that we’d said everything we could’ve said that afternoon, that Jess would regret this one day. We sang along to our wedding playlist and drank beers in the parking lot and made grilled cheese sandwiches at midnight. We fell asleep watching Kimmy Schmidt in each other’s arms, as the good lord intended.

We snapped entirely out of Wedding Planning Hell World and back into Us. I wouldn’t say that made it ‘worth it,’ but it’s a silver lining. Another silver lining is that it gave us a great opportunity to remember the people who do support us, and who think that our marriage is as real and important as the morning sun. When we asked Megan’s parents if we could have the ceremony at their house, they were elated — her dad almost immediately planted dozens of purple flowers in the back yard and built the wedding arch using wood from their cabin property in Heber-Overgaard, and her mom’s been polishing silver and cleaning the dishes we’ll use, this beautiful mix of delicate china passed down from both sets of Megan’s grandparents. My parents booked their flight just a couple of days after I texted, “If we decided to get married on April 4, do you think you’d be able to come?” Megan’s other sister has been our personal Frosty + vegetarian pizza angel, and even helped us make half of the escort cards. We’ve received such heartfelt apologies from people who can’t make it, and such ridiculously excited RSVPs from people who’ll be there with bells on. And then there’s you! You’ve helped make this feel like a thing I could do. So on Thursday morning, we decided to switch gears and give our energy to the people who aren’t conflicted, the ones who send their love and the ones who’ll come and be part of this monumental-as-fuck thing we’re about to do. We have the rest of our lives to help people grow past their self-imposed ignorance and see the light, but for the next 10 days they’ll just have to chill like shrimp cocktails because I’ve got a party to plan and a woman to marry. CHEERS, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Feelings Already Powered Through From Last Week!

18. The Stuff Under the Dress: Reader Tiffany suggested I try True & Co, an online lingerie shop dedicated to helping women find underthings they’ll love and that will actually fit. They have an easy peasy quiz for finding the right fit, and a super cool try-on-at-home thing, similar to Warby Parker, so you can try the bras on in your own bedroom and see how they look under various clothes. SOUNDS SO NEAT, RIGHT? I was so excited about this company, but after taking the fit quiz they (very gently, and with a kitten) told me they had nothing in my size. QUE THE BONNIE TYLER. So I’m back to dragging myself to the mall sometime this week, which is totally cool and I’ll be fine and worse things have happened. Don’t forget they’ve got a bookstore! And soft pretzels!

19. THE PLAYLIST: This is coming along! Y’all have added some songs — please add more! — and I’ll spend Friday night getting everything organized into sections (pre-ceremony, cocktail half-hour, dinner, post-cake).

20. Need Moar Signage!: Not gonna lie, I have made zero progress on additional signage since the last time we talked, but damn don’t you love that Snuffleupagus imagery?

via the darling heather hogan

via the darling heather hogan

21. Dead People Stuff: The people have spoken, and they are in favor of my dead dad’s ashes on a tea cart! Amen!

24. Hey Speaking of Photography!: The sister who’d arranged the wedding photographer is also the sister who doesn’t respect our marriage, sooooo we probably won’t be using her photographer now. It’s still up in the air. I don’t know.

On with the show!

Wedding Feelings I’m Powering Through: 25 & 26

25. I Am Behind Schedule!

Alkasd;lfksdjf! By the time we wake up on Friday morning, the following things have to be accomplished:

this list

26. It’s Probably Normal to Hate Your Dress For a Day or Two

I hated my dress for a minute and that’s probably fine. It has these full length lace sleeves that I thought I’d love — and I do? — but then I tried it on at like 11pm without makeup or washing my hair and I wanted to set myself and the dress on fire. THIS IS NORMAL. It’s very normal. I bet I’ll like it when I put it on in a few days.

*not her real name

And that’s it, y’all! My little brain is toast and if I don’t publish this now I’ll just sit on it for another week, and then it’ll be a week from now and I really won’t want to publish it, so HERE GOES NOTHING. Are you powering through some wedding feelings that you’d like to put through a wood chipper? ARE YOU ALMOST THERE, ARE YOU IN THE HOMESTRETCH? I can see our hummus at the end of the tunnel, and it is glorious.

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Laneia is the Director of Operations and founding member of Autostraddle, and you're the reason she's here.

Laneia has written 930 articles for us.


  1. Wow, if I can’t even at Megan’s sister just from reading this, then I can’t even at how much you guys are really unable to even right now.

    Well done on continuing to power through. I have nothing to offer other than that looks like the traditionally correct spelling of Jeanette to me.

  2. my heart stopped and my mouth went completely dry as I read this. I know looking into the eyes of someone you love and feeling their fear and ignorance shake the very foundation of your existence…but not being able to look away not even for a second. your eyes won’t even blink and everything feels completely obliterated but oddly still. i remember hearing the ringing in my ears during my stunned silence…like they were straining to hear something different, something that made sense. that is a feeling I know and it is heartbreaking and I am so fucking sorry. I’ll tell you one thing your ability to recover and build yourselves back up as a united front after a blow like that (and at a time in your planning when you are both so stressed) speaks volumes about the beauty, strength, and stability of your VALID AS FUCK commitment. I am glad you had each other in that moment, and I am sure you said all the right things. I don’t know if it means much, but this internet stranger will be thinking about you and megan and hoping for a change of heart with all I have <3

    unbreakable. you're alive dammit.

  3. When I was reading this, I thought surely that the sister who doesn’t approve couldn’t be the same sister that was providing the photographer. I’m so confused. WHY would someone do that?! Ok, fine, she disapproves, but could she leave out the confusing as fuck “pretend to be supportive and offer something you’re totally going to be depending on” mind games out next time? Like, seriously, what the fuck. I’m so sorry y’all are going through this.

    But also, I kind of feel like it’s going to be weird for me when you have your wedding in ten days and I’m not there. I mean, sure, I’ve never actually met you, BUT I’M SO EMOTIONALLY INVESTED NOW. I’ve never been excited for someone’s wedding before now. Every wedding I’ve ever been to has been for a family member or a friend that I was close to in high school but am not close to anymore. And then there was the one where the only person I’ve ever been in love with married her husband which was not very fun for its own special reasons. But I’m just really happy that this one is happening. Like I said, I don’t know either of you, but you both seem like beautiful, amazing people. Is this a normal feeling or am I a complete weirdo? Who cares! <3

  4. Laneia, what “Jess” did to you and Megan is so truly awful and upsetting. I’m glad that the two of you were able to get out of Wedding Madness and rekindle some “you time,” but what a horrible thing to have happen, at any time and especially ten days before your wedding. You and your incredible bride-to-be are real champions and heroines.

    On to things on your list–I wanted to add some things to your already awesome playlist, but am a total fool and don’t know how to use Spotify! As such, I just typed out a giant list of “songs that I think are happy and nice and if I were getting married I’d want them at my wedding” so that you could pick and choose whatever you wanted…

    Flightless Bird American Mouth (Iron & Wine), You’ve Got the Love (Florence & the Machine), Chicago (Sufjan Stevens), Modern Love (David Bowie), Something Good Can Work (Two Door Cinema Club), Something Good Can Work (Two Door Cinema Club), Somewhere Over the Rainbow (Israel Kamakawiwo’ole), The Last Time (Gnarls Barkley), Gimme Sympathy (Metric), Sir Duke (Stevie Wonder), Yellow (Coldplay), Don’t Stop Me Now (Queen), Anna Sun (Walk the Moon), Born to Run (Bruce Springsteen), Take Your Time Coming Home (fun.), Shake (The Head and the Heart), Crystallized (Young the Giant), Folding Chair (Regina Spektor), Crazy in Love (Beyonce), White Sky (Vampire Weekend).

    Also, I always recommend as much Ke$ha as possible for any life situation; her sweet sweet jamz are definitely good wedding party material as far as I’m concerned.

    Good luck with the home stretch–I can’t wait to see how it all turns out! Thank you so much for sharing this experience with all of us!

    • yeah! great idea, lena b! i feel weird editing the playlist because i have a lot of feels so here are just some varied suggestions from me:

      with arms outstretched- rilo kiley
      baby- devendra banhart
      when it dont come easy- patty griffin
      not the only one- bonnie raitt
      tennessee me- the secret sisters
      postcards from italy- beirut
      golden years/heroes- david bowie
      archie, marry me- alvvays
      boots of spanish leather- bob dylan
      someone saved my life tonight- elton john
      jive babe/i spy- mikhael paskalev
      wildflowers- tom petty
      if i had a boat- james vincent mcmarrow
      cant do without you- caribou
      cicadas and gulls/i feel it all- feist
      someone great- lcd soundsystem
      rainbow- robert plant
      beyonce- xo (DUH)
      beauty- the shivers
      all my stars aligned- st vincent
      little secrets- passion pit
      jackie and wilson- hozier
      electric love- BORNS
      solid ground- maps and atlases
      that’s what’s up- edward sharpe & the magnetic zeros
      you aint alone- alabama shakes
      soft shock- yeah yeah yeahs
      the general specific- band of horses
      anything we want- fiona apple (maybe not wedding appropriate idk if i were getting married tho i would need fiona there)
      oogum boogum song/gimme little sign- brenton wood
      you are the best thing- ray lamontagne
      heart skipped a beat- the xx
      dark matter- andrew bird (really all the andrew bird forever–his cover of drunk by noon is so great but maybe not the best vibe for a wedding?)
      this tornado loves you/i’m an animal- neko case
      love is all/king of spain- tallest man on earth
      your arms around me- jens lekman
      share with me the sun- portugal. the man
      only love- ben howard
      wagon wheel- old crowe medicine show

      I GOTTA STOP. i told you, i have a lot of feelings.

      (hope this helps!)

  5. I love this support you have for one another-

    And then Megan, “I feel like lying on the bathroom floor and crying forever.”

    And then me, “Ok. I’ll be there.”

    This sounds so very difficult, but you two sound so very solid. Best wishes!

  6. I’m so sorry about her, wow… I don’t know if I’m getting married in the future, but reading this column has been making me daydream about the wedding possibilities for myself too! I don’t know if that makes you feel better, or not, or whatever, but it’s the truth! So, thank you. <3 <3 <3 <3 Also please post pictures, I want to see pictures (if that's okay with you)! Sending so many positive vibes and well wishes, etc!

  7. 1) Megan is a saint.
    2) SO glad you two were able to find the silver lining in this and have ‘you’ time.
    3) Kudos for focusing on those who want to make your day the incredible occasion that it is. It’s easy to focus on the negative rather than the positive sometimes, but you two are rocking it.

    It’s so close! HOME STRETCH!

    PS – Went to a friends wedding this weekend that I was pretty involved in; all the stress and struggles melted away the day of the wedding and everything was perfect. Everything will be perfect for you too.

  8. When this happened I wasn’t sure if you were gonna write about it and I didn’t want to say “are you gonna write about it” but you wrote about it and I am so glad that you did. I know it all seems like so much now but I am so excited to witness your wedding and celebrate how cute you and Megan are together. I think your dress is going to be beautiful and I love you.

  9. Laneia I am so proud of you and Megan.
    You and Megan got together for each other, (not for anyone else’s reasons), and you have your own needs and the needs of your relationship as a valid couple. Focusing on sustaining your relationship and nurturing and acknowledging/celebrating your big day with the great ones who love and support you is where you will do best. I feel for you both but let this event be a reminder to focus on the support team you do have.

    I feel sorry for you both and for Megan’s sister, she could have been honest with you both instead of this bullshit filled betrayal and deceit front she’s been playing.

    Sending you and Megan and all your supporters encouragement and support!! You are supported (())

  10. I am just flabbergasted and sad that this happened but so thankful that you have shared the story and floored by your strength and Megan’s grace. Y’all are queens.

    Also: cosigning the Kesha suggestion above.

  11. “We cleared our schedules for the night and took turns reassuring each other that we are valid as fuck, that she’s wrong, that her kids would still love Megan as much as she loved them, that we’d said everything we could’ve said that afternoon, that Jess would regret this one day. We sang along to our wedding playlist and drank beers in the parking lot and made grilled cheese sandwiches at midnight. We fell asleep watching Kimmy Schmidt in each other’s arms, as the good lord intended.”

    Oh…I am so sad for you both but this, how you supported each other, warmed my heart, as did the details of how your other relatives have been so supportive. I can actually see my fiancée’s brother doing this, and I can only hope that we deal with it as well as you two if it does. This makes me want to make a wedding playlist in case of very situation!

    I don’t have any advice right now as its 10.30pm and I’m tired, but I am wishing you a wonderful day and more importantly a long happy marriage…if you can support each other like this it must be a good sign! Xx

  12. Wow. Megan is amazing. You are amazing. Not-Jess is one day going to have to explain to her three kiddos why they weren’t at Auntie Megan and Auntie Laneia’s wedding and she’s going to have to explain to them that their mother’s ignorance kept them from the best wedding ever. That’s gonna suck. But you two sound like the best couple ever, and this wedding will, literally, be the best wedding in the history of weddings and your dress is going to be fantastic and you will have on the most comfy bra/undies situation ever.



  13. I’ve been following this series for a while because it just seems to be getting more and more relevant (but maybe with the roles switched). My younger brother’s this massive, ‘will assault gays’, ‘will threaten you and your queer friends’, ‘you are gross and unnatural’ sort of homophobe and he’s getting married to this chick he’s known all of five minutes. So if I get invited to the wedding (was only invited to the engagement party by way of my mother) I wonder if I should even go? Like especially since in this country (Australia) I can’t even get married myself?

    And like I feel as though I will bring this up (probably just with my parents because my brother always just tells me I’m a bitch for expressing my opinion and that’ll be that). But I also know this will probably go the way it always does. My parents will be sulky, assure me I’m too sensitive and that ‘boys will be boys’ and then if I don’t show up to the wedding I’LL be the awful one. Like I dunno, maybe I should just bite the bullet and do what I want since they clearly couldn’t be assed with me either way. Not exactly the same situation I guess but you never hear about ‘the etiquette of not attending your homophobic sibling’s wedding’.

    • As someone who also has a brother who is a complete scumbag, I can totally relate to this. You definitely don’t owe it to your brother to be there. But I also understand trying to avoid the parent guilt trip nightmare. My mom does that to me when I want nothing to do with my brother. So, I say skip the wedding so I can live vicariously through you. But no, seriously whatever makes you the most comfortable should be what you do because it sounds like it’s going to suck in one way or another no matter what you decide to do. :(

  14. UGH UGH UGH fuck that noise.
    So sorry you two have to go through that utter shit that is some people and their bigotedness.

    You’re doing great. I have no advice, as I have never even been to a wedding before (yours sounds fucking awesome) let alone planned one, other than to breathe, take care of yourselves & each other, and enjoy/trust the process. It will all get done somehow and everything will be beautiful and quirk in the best way.

    Also, your handwriting.

  15. hi laneia, i’ve been thinking all day about what to comment here because i feel so strongly about how not fair this was for megan’s sister to do to y’all and that it shouldn’t have happened at all that it is hard to find the words to talk about it! but i wanted to make sure i told you how graceful and how brave you are both being with balancing your own feelings and needs and love for each other with the people that surround you, and how great you are doing at supporting megan and balancing being a person this is happening to with also being the person whose sister it isn’t, and i just think you’re doing an A+ gold-star job at being you, that’s all, i love you

  16. holy shit i only have read the first bit about megan’s sister so far but i am legit sobbing. it all made me so sad and mad but the part about megan calling jess to let her know that you still love her and will go to her daughter’s communion the very next weekend!!! i fucking lost it, you have found possibly the best girl in the world, give her a huge hug from all of us plz.

    • sorry, my comment came across more sad/negative than i meant it to!

      you guys are amazing and the wedding will be beautiful (i’m not just saying that! i actually plan events as my real job thing and i can tell!).

  17. Your relationship doesn’t require anyone’s approval to be valid. Like, every institution that humans have created, from religions to governments to the days of the week and the units of time in an hour, only exist because a bunch of people got together and decided they should exist. Who is Megan’s sister to dictate the validity of anyone’s marriage? If she didn’t approve of the names of the days of the week do you think anyone would give a shit? No. The days would keep rolling steadily over her inconsequential opinion. Your relationship is valid because you, and your friends and other family members, and us here, and the 69% of Americans who now believe in same-sex marriage – we all see you and recognize and respect your love.

  18. I’m so sorry to hear about Megan’s sister – and so in awe that you’ve managed to take that experience & find a positive in it.

    My Dad doesn’t believe in same sex marriage. He loves my girlfriend, is extremely happy that we have found each other & live together & everything…but he doesn’t believe we should be allowed to get married. And it infuriates me. It hangs over me every time Robyn & I talk about getting married (it’s still illegal in our country so our talks are very hypothetical) . My Dad used to be a priest, he used to tell me that he expected to officiate at my wedding. And now I’m not even sure if he’ll come? And if he DID agree to come, would I really want him there? Would I want someone at my wedding who fundamentally didn’t believe that it should be allowed to happen?

    I’ve always wanted a ~*WEDDING*~ but some days elopement sounds really great!

  19. Oh wow I’m really sorry to hear about Megan’s sister -that is so painful, and so awful, this close to everything.

    That’s a beautiful picture of you two on the front of the article. I really hope it all goes well :)

  20. Sending hugs. This is so hard, and I’m sorry that it happened to you. It happened to me and my partner. We had a few people from both of our families refuse to come. We even got a nasty letter from one of her relatives about why our wedding was against his “values.” I wish there was something I could say that would make it easier, but I can’t. It’s going to sting.
    However, I will say that our wedding was AMAZING. We had so much fun and didn’t miss the unsupportive family members for one second. Your wedding will be amazing too. There won’t be room in your heart or mind for any negativity.

  21. You guys are just the best. This wedding is going to be wonderful and more importantly you will have a beautiful marriage. So, so happy for you both (and a little sad for us that this series will have to end).

  22. I feel for you guys a lot. My partner and I wrote a letter to my brother asking him to donate so our first child could be biologically mine. I said I would leave it up to him to bring it up. He didn’t for over six months and finally he visited the family and he told my girlfriend and I that we wouls catch up ‘about it’ next time we visited him.

    So we travelled five hours to see him and we went out for breakfast. Just before we left I brought it up. I was sure he would say yes. He ended up coming up with excuses like ‘it is too close to the family’ (well yeah, that’s the point.), that he didn’t believe we werw financially ready and should wait (well, screw you) and why don’t you get ivf? (…$10,000 +) and finally, he didn’t want some kid turning 18 and wanting to live with him or have money… I had responses to everything that would make all his concerns void and i had to pull a yes/no answer from him, otherwise i would have seen hia concerns as conditions.

    He said no.

    We waited and drove all that time to be told we were incompetent and I have never felt more disappointed in my life. My family has always said he would do anything for me and I really believed he would have helped us at the time.

    Fast forward three years and we have a two year old and another on the way – no help from bro. I told him about the new baby and his response was, ‘oh… No. Really? No. Oh. I have to go.’ And he boarded a plane.

    I feel like family has the power to hurt you the most because you assume that bond is unbreakable and unconditional. That is what we are taught. What I am relearning is that chosen family, such as my partner, is so much stronger.

    I think her sister will regret not going one day. Love the fuck out of each other and have the best wedding ever surrounded by people who would push a triangle house over for you.

  23. This news makes me sad, but everything else is going to be awesome, and you two will look amazing, and be surrounded by people who love and support you, and if Megan’s sister ever comes around on the matter, all she’ll have is regrets. So rock the fuck on, y’all!

  24. i’m late to the party on this one but THANK YOU for writing this. as a person who went through an unfortunate similar but opposite situation and did not attend the wedding of someone close to me over this sort of issue, it is very likely that megan’s sister will regret this later (i do). but even relationships that seem irreparably broken can still heal, if very slowly. i know you both will power through this with the full support of IRL people and a significant corner of the queer internet.

    also, to lighten the mood: response from our coordinator this week when we told her there would be no officiant (because this ish is not even legal, why pay money to someone we’ve never met before to take over our whole ceremony, ugh). “no officiant. no officiant? okay, no officiant…never seen that before, no officiant…”

    cross your fingers we don’t traumatize her into never allowing another couple to not have an officiant!

  25. How do we contact Laneia directly? I’d like to make a financial contribution to the cost of a photographer. I know this PARTAY is happening pretty soon so I don’t want an email to get lost and opened after the big PARTAY.
    Can whoever message me and let me know how to do this, thanks.

  26. And for the record, I respect Megan’s reaction to this whole sister thing on every single fucking level.
    I know a strangers encouragement doesn’t even take the edge off the pain this situation has caused her, but never the less… I really respect it and admire it xxx

  27. I am so sorry to hear about the way Megan’s sister feels. I hope that she realizes she wants to be there or that she regrets this and asks to be forgiven soon. On a happier note I want to say congrats to you both and that you seem like such amazing people! I hope everything runs smoothly and that ya’ll have an amazing time and enjoy every moment of your day Saturday!

  28. To Megan and Laneia- you two make me so proud, you have filled my heart in a space I didn’t even know I had.I’m so sorry about her sister. I can only imagine the heart wrenching, punch in the gut feeling she is going through. But, you 2 did it, it was amazing. Stay Strong, I have the most faith in you two, to have ever lasting love! The boys are adorable, and have 2 great parents to raise them right! Congratulations again! BTW, love your list! Finalize ceremony script or die!

  29. LANEIA!!!! I missed all this because I hadn’t really come to AS yet in April, but Carmen just linked to it in an article, and dood, I have so many feelings! I feel like I just stumbled onto buried treasure and now I get to send all of these to Pocket and read them like a book and have feelings. I’m so happy you got married and so happy you wrote about it!

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