Welcome to the fifth recap of the second season of The L Word: Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you The L Word, a show about a vaguely European cafe owner and “book club” doyen who seduces an allegedly heterosexual female “writer” through intense eye contact and a shared passion for Eros the Bittersweet, leaves the writer erotically charged messages on her answering machine, is caught giving cunnilingus to the writer by the writer’s male fiancee (an esteemed swim coach named Tim), invites the writer to her palatial and tastefully designed Los Angeles home for sexual intercourse only to reveal in the morning that she’s actually already in a relationship with a traveling costume-designer who pays all her bills and recently seduced a prima ballerina, invites the writer over for a group dinner which ends with the writer hurling a full bottle of alcohol at her towering glass windows, spars with the costume designer and eventually empties a glass of red wine into her open suitcase, downs three bottles of pills at the Chateau Marmont, has her apparent husband sell her portion of the cafe to Kit Porter, and then returns to Los Angeles several years later to crash the writer’s book reading, announce that she is the benefactor for an “unusual” dance troupe, and fuck the writer’s French lover Claude in an earth-toned hotel room. Art!
We have now reached the midway point of our season of love with the wonderful humans of The L Word Generation Q. It’s time for Episode 205, Lobsters Too, which has only a small sliver of lobster content, much like the Lobsters episode from Season 3 of the original series. Minimal shellfish content in general, honestly.
We open in FiSoMi’s apartment, where Finley is throwing up yesterday’s beer to clear out some space for today’s beer. Clearly things are going well around here and everyone is thriving.
Finley is strategically re-arranging the recycling bin to hide her beer cans when Sophie shows up, having somehow avoided Finley for several consecutive days even though they live in the same house.
Sophie admits her trip to Ojai was actually not to curl up with a Tangerine Iced Latte at Beacon Coffee and pound out some segment ideas, but in fact was to visit Dani, who was having a crisis and needed someone. Finley acknowledges that she was already aware of Sophie’s dishonesty, and then avoids eye contact while Sophie rambles about how she and Dani are not together. Sophie also somehow misses every subtle emotion radiating from Finley’s wound-up body.
Sophie: Well, thank you for understanding. You’re always such a good friend.
Finley: [not liking that she used the word “friend”] Sure, uh….
Sophie: We’re not back together, if that’s what you think.
Finley: Uhhh I… I don’t think anything.
Alas, the vulnerable hopeful Finley who returned to Los Angeles on a misguided love mission has been replaced by vulnerable hopeless Bender Finley. I can’t wait for the episode where we actually directly address Finley’s relationship to alcohol. Fingers crossed!
We then journey to Gigi’s gorgeous loft apartment, replete with exposed brick, high ceilings, multiple large trees and a majestic view of our expansive city. Bette’s typeity-typing away on her little laptop and denies Gigi’s offer to discuss their recent spat. Gigi swallows this rejection in the way that you do when you’re already pretty sure that your relationship is is over.
Gigi: You’re welcome to stay as long as you like, but you should know I have plans to meet someone.
Bette: [scoffs] That was fast.
Gigi: No, not like that, I’m seeing Dani.
Gigi attempts to initiate some physical affection, insisting Bette can tell her how she really feels about her seeing Dani. “I just did,” says Bette, bristling at her touch and by the possibility of any sort of actual intimacy. She has enthusiasm for one topic, though: Pippa Pascal.
Bette tracked Pippa down and is willing to cut out her heart to work with her. Unfortunately she is going to have to compete with this girl, who is ready to give up WAY more than just her heart:
Let the bidding war begin!
Another little afternoon at the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern — Finley is participating in this season’s theme of “patchwork flannel” while unpacking boxes of alcohol and Tess, wearing a denim jacket that was recently attacked by a massive family of baby birds, tells Shane that the woman she’s allegedly “seeing” is someone she JUST MET at a fancy Hollywood Hills party?!! Tess you are not seeing someone you met only once!!! You should’ve banged Shane in your backyard!!! As a wise re-capper once said, “HAVE SEX.”
Anyhoo, because Tess and her Someone can’t go out tonight (due to Poker Night), said someone is on her way to Dana’s, right now, to take Tess out for coffee.
And, well WELL WELL AS I LIVE AND BREATHE HOLY HELL IN A HANDBASKET
Tess introduces them but Cherie demurs: “we’ve met.” They acknowledge one another. They think about how many hot sex scenes they had in the original series. Tess crosses her arms. “Of course you have.”
From the back, Finley gives a big clueless wave like a kitten so excited to meet my dog, who is completely uninterested in the kitten.
Back at The Aloce Show, it turns out that Alice has finished the rewrites on her book 500x faster than I have finished the re-writes on my book, which as of this moment, remain unwritten. Enough about me, let’s focus on these two creative aspirants negotiating the end of their editing relationship and whether or not they can remain friends, perhaps?
Alice: Does it always feel this weird? Because I’m so used to spending so much time with you and now I’m not gonna see you tomorrow and I don’t know, I can’t put words to it—
Tom: We’re done professionally but we’re definitely friends, right? I feel like we’re friends.
Alice: You think?
Tom: Well, I wept in front of you, so yeah.
Alice: And I pretty much had like a full mental breakdown. Just keeping score.
Dani is taking a field trip to lockup to see her Daddy, who informs her that she’s now interim CEO of the company, according to the documents he secretly coerced her into signing!
Dani: I refuse to be your puppet.
Daddy: All of your family’s assets are tied into this company. You walk away from this job, you walk away from everything.
Dani: Then I need to know the truth. As your daughter. I need to know what you knew and when you knew it.
If he tells her the truth, she’ll run the company. If she finds out he lied she will burn it to the ground, just like Paige did to Wax Surf-and-Turf! I don’t care about this story and it annoys me. However, I’m tickled to discover that Gigi’s waiting outside to chariot Dani, who she now calls ‘Boss Lady,” away from this compromising situation and to her apartment.
Thusly we proceed onwards to the glorious LGBTQIA+ Center of Los Angeles, where we find Carrie atop a sofa with Tina and Angie, who is experiencing stomach upset and therefore will be treating herself to a glass of water. Carrie expresses nervousness about this group therapy session because it unfortunately involves her nemesis, Bette Porter, who she finds unpleasant and difficult. Carrie suggests they hightail it to Mexico but Tina declines this opportunity for a little R-n-R.
Carrie: What I have to do is I have to just start feeling sorry for her and not get as pissed off, you know? That’s the trick.
Tina: Whatever it takes.
Carrie: It’s gonna work, because I already feel sorry for her.
Tina: Why is that?
Carrie: Because she doesn’t have you.
Tina: She doesn’t want me. You say this about everybody!
Carrie: Yes she does! Yes she does!
Tina: It doesn’t matter, honey.
Carrie: Why not?
Tina: Because I love you. I want you here, and Angie does too. You belong here, okay?
Meanwhile, Angie is face-timing Jordi, who admits that she too is frightened by Our Lady of Porter, but that she has asked the universe to be on their side. Angie’s stoked for Jordi to be nominated for prom queen this very day.
Big news red alert Sophie’s Segment Idea is here and it’s…. bad. But everybody is going to pretend that it’s good, probably eventually including me, because it’s hard to complain about highlighting actual queer people on a major premium cable TV show! The pitch is: we didn’t see lesbians on TV growing up, so now we have stock photographs of everyday queer heroes who we will feature because nobody knows that lesbians have existed in history! There are definitely already 5,000 interviews with queer heroes that already exist on the internet but okay.
Alice loves the idea which’s great ’cause Sophie’s already booked a cute old lesbian couple to come on down for their Segment Interview and make both Sophie and Alice feel sad about the states of their own relationships. Alice is currently battling the temptation to respond to Nat’s texts begging her to get back together. I will be contacting the United Nations to hold Nat accountable for this behavior.
We now pivot onto the showdown top-off of the year — a group therapy session between Bette, Carrie, Tina and Angie, moderated by our trusty pal Micah! It turns out Marcus Allenwood’s kidneys have had quite enough and he’ll die without a transplant, and Angie wants to see if she’s a match. Which brings us to our first Fight of the episode, and boy is it a doozy!
Gay Squabble #20: We R Family
In The Ring: Carrie vs Bette vs Angie vs Therapy? Hard to say exactly.
Bette is a hard no on Angie sacrificing her kidney, which puts her in line with the actual medical policies around kidney donation that do indeed forbid humans under 18 years of age to donate their organs. But this is television so let’s just proceed.
Bette: No. God. No.
Micah: Ms. Porter, before we shut her down—
Bette: Look she can’t donate a kidney, is that clear?
Carrie: But shouldn’t we hear her out?
Bette: You don’t have a say in this.
Micah: Ms. Porter—
Carrie: I’m not trying to have a say—
Bette: Well good because you don’t.
Carrie: I’m just saying I can relate because I’m adopted too—
Bette: She’s not adopted. She is our child. Mine and Tina’s.
Adopted children also are the children of their parents, but okay Bette go off. Bette accuses Tina of wanting her to be the bad guy and shuts down Carrie’s attempts to speak, and eventually Angie, no longer capable of sharing air with this chaos, storms out, followed by Tina, leaving a very disgruntled Bette alone with a trying-very-hard Carrie, who’d like to finish the sentence she began earlier.
Bette: I’d prefer it if you didn’t
Micah: Of course you can.
Carrie knows she and Angie have different situations, but she always felt kinda lost not knowing her biological mother and if she needed anything, Carrie would be there for her. Bette says her family is different, and Micah asks Bette what her relationship with her own family is like. She shares that her Dad died years ago and that she hasn’t seen her Mom in 30 years.
As you may or may not recall, Daddy left Kit’s Mom for Bette’s Mom and then cheated on Bette’s Mom and then Bette’s Mom left the fam. Honestly I’ve thought Bette’s Mom was dead this entire time but I went back to the source material and I was wrong, they never declared her dead; only gone. This means Bette’s Mom could appear at any time, ideally played by Jane Fonda.
Bette: I am who I am despite her, not because of her.
Micah: Is she still alive?
Bette: I wouldn’t know. She left me.
Carrie: Wouldn’t it be amazing if you could reconnect with her?
Bette: No, it wouldn’t be amazing.
Carrie: How do you know?
Bette: The same way you know you don’t like fucking scallops, Carrie. I tried it once and it wasn’t for me.
JESUS CHRIST ON A CRACKER BETTE MY SWEET LORD IN HEAVEN YIKES
Meanwhile, Tina is deftly handling Angie in the hallway, reminiding her that Bette is generally an impossible person and just needs time to process, eventually earning Angie’s return to the negotiation table. The kidney remains in play.
Who Wins? I think Micah did his best here so I’m gonna give it to him.