The year: 2018. The topic: The L Word. Not the reboot, the original show. “Please,” the people cry, “make it stop.” They look to me, perched on my observational ledge taking in our broken world, and I turn. “No.”
What I give them instead is a content package so unnecessary that it rains down on them like AA batteries. They run from me, but still it falls: The Astrological Signs of Everyone’s Hair in The L Word.
I do need everyone to stop running though, because we have a lot to cover. Within reason! I mean, clearly, tracking and analyzing every hairstyle within the framework of the astrological signs on a show with sprawling main and supporting casts that spans a critical time period of early aught culture into late aught culture, which in terms of fashion is a contender for one of the biggest aesthetic jumps within a single decade, and about a subculture known for their hair choices, is a task for academia, not for someone as on-the-go as I think I’ve proven myself to be time and time again. For now we’re going to be covering the highlights of the main players as well as some fan favorites.
Shane, Season 1
Gemini
Shane’s hair in this season has absolutely no idea what it wants to be at any given moment. Does it want to be flat-ironed straight or does it want to have face-framing curling-ironed strands? Instead of choosing, it does both.
Shane, Season 2
Aquarius
There’s a lot going on with Shane’s hair in season two. It’s innovative, I’ll give it that! It’s sort of a pixie cut meets “the swoop” meets crust punk rat tail life – aka is in a constant state of rebellion.
Shane, Season 3
Shane’s Season 3 hair is a Cancer
Cancer
‘Cause baby you’re a firework come on show them what you’re worth.
Shane, Season 4
Pisces
Post-Carmen and Dana, Shane adorns this weird sadness helmet that she hides under. (By the way I’m a Pisces so I can say this and no one can get mad at me.) It’s elusive – like where, exactly, do the bangs start?
Alice, Season 1-2
Sagittarius
It’s a playful ‘do with a blunt finish! It’s independent in that asymmetrical, one side isn’t totally locked into what the other side is doing kind of way.
Alice, Season 3
Libra
Alice’s hair plays it safe this season, and quite frankly? That’s fine. She had a solid couple of seasons of looking like a homemade jerky enthusiast so we’re going to allow her to look like she models knit sweaters for Madewell for a bit if that’s what she wants.
Alice, Seasons 4-6
Capricorn
These smell like money and ambition thanks.
Bette
Leo
Aside from a rogue bang or straightening moment, Bette’s hair presents as this physical manifestation of an aura – as if a halo. Something, let’s be honest, Bette knows. If Bette’s hair were wine it would have a very pride-forward note about it. It’s voluminous and effortlessly commands an entire room’s attention.
Harrison
Capricorn
This hair goes the distance. You’re going to find this old reliable throughout the decades, because it is a tried and true concept.
Jenny, Season 1
Taurus
This is a very low-maintenance, chill-ass look that Jenny rocks with an equally chill ensemble of a ripped shirt and ripped pants/leggings for the entirety of season 1.
Jenny, Season 2
Cancer
There was a lot of… emoting behind this cut.
Jenny, Season 4
Virgo
This one had a very 50s housewife who’s just spent all afternoon cataloguing the utensil placement faults she found at her most recent dinner party in the margins of her Ladies’ Home Journal to it.
Dana
Aries
Honestly, this haircut looked ready for a fight at all times.
Marina
Libra
Marina’s hair is an instagram influencer post of random items against a plain background. You’re not entirely sure what it’s selling but you know you should feel bad for not having it?
Tina
Gemini
Happy to be here, lookin’ to chat.
Lara
Taurus
Reluctant to let go of a probably decade-old chunky highlight trend, Lara’s hair remains devoted to the flash of it all.
Tim, Season 1
Pisces
Prior to one of the biggest traumas of Tim’s life, his hair looked like a freshly-hatched baby chick’s. It’s gentle, like it’s just woken up, ready to emotionally bottom for you.
Tim, Season 2
Sagittarius
By season two, Tim hair has gone full on golden retriever. It’s friendly, but, based on the kind of attention it usually gets, it’s a little cocky.
Mangus
Taurus
It’s here for a good time not a long time.
Phyllis
Virgo
This is the kind of hair flip that gets only turned on by a routine.
Peggy
Scorpio
Look at this hair and tell me it’s not motivated by power.
Kit
Scorpio
If there were ever hair that held secrets, it’s this hair.
Carmen, Season 2
Aquarius
Well, here they are, maybe the worst set of extensions to have ever been put on someone’s head. Why did they do Carmen this dirty? Her real hair is very much keeping its emotional distance and pulling an I Don’t Know Her.
Tonya
Aries
High energy here kept in some tightly wound curls that when straightened somehow remained the same length.
Max
Taurus
This haircut is lookin’ for the snacks!!!
Tasha
Virgo
One practical updo for a beautiful woman of service, please!!!
Helena
Pisces
This hair still wears the bracelet it got from its latest concert at Red Rock where it was given molly and convinced itself the moon was its aunt.
This is very important.
After a stressful drive through this lil bomb cyclone yesterday, I’m devouring and appreciating this post. Thank you! Also, Helena’s! (Same.)
la lune
“Instead of choosing, it does both.”
LISTEN
xo
So my new astrological identity is Shane’s sadness helmet sun, Jenny’s emotional pixie moon, and Max’s lookin’ for snacks rising. Seems about accurate.
Max’s looking for snacks rising!
I was wondering when we’d get to some Scorpio hair. Loved that it was fucking Peggy Peabody and Kit.
Thanks for continuing to bring the Fake News I didn’t know I needed. I’m gonna just bask in your AA battery storms, acquiring interesting little bruises that I won’t explain.
Emotional bottoming? Lord. I feel attacked and weirdly seen.
i am a tina AND a gemini so thank you for seeing us. also as much as i would like to distance everything about shane from geminis, you’re right, season 1 hair is the embodiment of ♊
alaina you’re not tina
ugh you’re a genius and i hate it.
LOVE YOU BRIANNA
Where do the bangs start is the new when will the bass drop and it’s a powerful question
ERIN’S B A C K
I swear, everything you write is effing gold.
big kiss to you
Erin, your posts are the cream on top of AS.
We think we don’t need them, but as soon as we get a taste, somehow we want them soooo bad.
This is the kind of content I subscribe for
erin you are a treasure.
Slow. Clap.
lolololololololol:
“It’s elusive – like where, exactly, do the bangs start?”
“She had a solid couple of seasons of looking like a homemade jerky enthusiast”
“By season two, Tim hair has gone full on golden retriever.”
wtf tru:
“High energy here kept in some tightly wound curls that when straightened somehow remained the same length.”
thank u 4 bein’ a friend
I’m Aries Dana apparently, but my hair says messy uncontrolled Jew like Jenny. Not sure what to think as I like both.
Pretty solid but missing the gaping presence of Tasha….
Maybe a Capricorn/Taurus/Virgo?
omg i had her – updating
Erin, as a Pisces, I thank you for this, especially the “helmet of sadness”, but mostly for not including a Pisces Jenny ?
I cannot possibly thank you enough for this. I’ve thought a lot about Shane’s season 1 hair, and this puts to words so much that I never could have!
I’m so glad “low-maintenance, chill-ass look” is the Taurus of hairstyles. That’s perfect for me. I do not approve of the chunky highlights though.
it’s LARA
I’ve missed you, Erin
Well, here they are, maybe the worst set of extensions to have ever been put on someone’s head.
I nearly fell out of my chair laughing at that…
The opening paragraphs of this were a thrill to read in and of themselves, and the rest of the article did not disapoint. Thank you, Erin!
Spot fucking on. I’m an Aquarius, and in my first year of university (which coincided with my discovery of the show, which was in its second season), I tried so desperately to emulate Shane’s s2 look. My hairdresser could never replicate it, though. After I decided to grow my hair out, I started looking at Carmen’s season 2 choppy mullet-y look. You really know us Aquas!
Though Alice’s season 1 hair was quite different from her season 2 hair.
This is the best! I laughed the whole way through.
God Shane looks hot in that S3 screencap.
(Also this is incredible thank you.)