Whew, it has been a week of TV! First off, Ryan Wilder and Alex Danvers joined forces on The Flash‘s ARMAGEDDON special in a very Wildmoore episode, which of course Nic and Valerie recapped. The Sex and the City sequel, And Just Like That, dropped and Heather recapped the first two episodes. The Riverdale/Sabrina crossover was as unhinged as we hopped, and Kayla recapped that for you, along with an all-new episode of Yellowjackets. Shelli wrote an extensive review and recap of every episode of 4400 so far (and followed it up below with the next ep!). Shelli also reviewed Nicole Byers’ BBW! Drew wrote a scathing review of We Need to Do Something. She also reviewed Benedetta (and called Paul Verhoeven a prude!), and The Bitch Who Stole Christmas. And finally, Heather reviewed Tello’s Christmas at the Ranch.

Notes from the TV Team:

+ This week on Home Economics, it’s Christmas time! Sarah and Denise don’t do capitalism because they are once again hippie crunchy lesbian sterotypes and I love that for them. Unfortunately Sarah realizes how much she loves a hugely expensive designer bag, which makes her question her values (don’t worry, it works out), and Denise’s well known altruism means she ends up with zero presents (but all of the kids in her class got their lunch debt paid, honestly? Worth it.).  — Carmen

+ Hello! I have watched Arcane! I devoured Arcane! I will write about Arcane! — Valerie Anne

Station 19 507: “A House Is Not a Home”

Written by Carmen

You get two photos this week. Worth it.

This week on Station 19 Maya finally has the day off after working a brutal shift (plus everyone is still sad about losing Dean — well, the characters are sad, I’m still pissed as hell that Krista Vernoff decided to kill a Black character and leave his Black daughter without parents when letting be alive and happy in Oakland was a viable option right there in front of us) and she’s heading home to Carina to pick out baby donors.

— Ok I’m going to stop here for one mini second to get my rant out of the way early, because I don’t want to bring us down! There’s a lot of hot sex to be had! But I still hate this plot and I hate that Station 19 is leaning into such an unimaginative trope as when two women get married they automatically have nothing else to talk about except children. It really took a lot of the fun out of last night’s episode for me, see also: my residual anger about the way that Vernoff has ended Okieriete Onaodowan’s time on the show. But I know there’s nothing worse than having to read recaps when the writer isn’t having fun, so I’m working on getting the joy back! I promise! —

Carnia’s decided that picking out a donor can be hot if they let it, so there will candles and dim lights and damn right there will be sex. (Side Note from Natalie: I will say, if Station 19 was going to find a way to placate me about this baby storyline with Maya and Carina, them pledging to have a lot of sex just like straight people do when they’re trying to have a baby is a good way to go about it.)

Laying together naked in bed, the way you do when your blissed out and it feels like time has stopped just for you, Carina and Maya count the things they are grateful for. Maya is grateful for Carina’s freckles — but wait can you be grateful for a body part? Carina doesn’t think so. Instead they’ll be grateful for each other’s health. And Carina will be grateful for multiple orgasms ThankYouEverSoMuch.

Ultimately though, they decide on a few things. Maya realizes to her own horror that she’s going to be the “strict mom” (big duh there Captain Bisexual) and thanks Carina for the most romantic day of her life. She also wants Carnia to carry their future kid — so that she can spend the rest of her life looking at someone with Carina’s eyes, and nose, and jaw.

I still am not excited for this future Marina child, but ok — they got me.

Queens 306-307: “Behind the Throne” & “Who Shot Ya”

Written by Carmen

It’s been a few weeks since we checked in on Queens so where are we? After coming out Jill has been very busy following Alicia (her hookup/freelance journalist/now… PR person?) as Alicia makes all these grand plans for Jill’s future as a the hottest middle aged lesbian in America. And it’s all going extremely well (well, it’s going well for Jill, I suspect the other Queens would like to have a word about how they’ve become her backseat)… until Jill, getting high off her own supply, says to a group of reporters that “coming out was the best thing I ever did for my career.”

(I’m paraphrasing here, but yeah… NOT! GREAT!!)

So then the internet decides that Jill fake came out only for financial gain? Which is ridiculous and dumb, but hey so is the Internet!

OH! And remember that camerawoman from MTV in the Aughts that Jill physically assaulted for hiting on her, due to substance abuse and internalized homophobia? She’s back too and ready to tell her story.

To counteract the Internet backlash, Jill goes on Good Morning America with the original love of her life Tina. And Tina confirms for the cameras how the closet was hell for Jill and then Jill performs for the cameras like she still loves Tina, but Tina mistakes it for Jill actually still loving Tina — and that’s about as heartbreaking as you would expect.

This week Tina comes back full force, telling Jill that she is “disgusting” and “evil” and deserves every bad thing that is coming for her. Honestly I don’t love the language choice, but I get that Jill’s storyline comes from being closeted in the church so contextually “evil”… I’ll allow it.

Unfortunately, Jill’s chickens look like they’ve come home to roost for someone else, because it’s E-V-E (Ruff Ryders 4 Lyfe) who ends up getting shot in the cliffhanger.

Hightown 207: “Crack is Wack”

Written by Natalie

Jackie and her father are tossing around a football on the beach when we catch up with them again this week. Both are still drunk and pass the brown paper bag back and forth between them. When Jackie can’t cleanly catch a pass, Rafael snarks, “that’s what happens when you only see your old man once a year.” It’s a flippant comment — one that doesn’t catch my attention on first watch — but, for the rest of the episode, we’re reminded why Jackie only saw her father once a year…and, frankly, even that might have been too often.

The father/daughter pair head to the bar for the Patriots game and, with two empty beer bottles in front of her, Jackie tries to rationalize her drinking (a little too late for that, Jackie). Her father, of course — being the louse that he is — encourages Jackie’s worst impulses and orders them both shots. As Jackie goes to take another swig of her beer, their father/daughter time is interrupted by one of Rafael’s “friends,” who drapes her arms all over him and tries to kiss him, as he awkwardly pulls away. After her father’s friend, Mary, excuses herself, Jackie scoffs, “That’s who you’re fuckin’ now?”

If Jackie were sober or in a better place emotionally, meeting her father’s mistress would be enough to send her out the door. But in this moment, Jackie needs someone…anyone…so she listens to her father rationalize cheating on her mother and finds beauty in it. She laments that no one will ever love her the way Rafael loves her mother but Rafael assures he does. She brushes off his compliment but he insists that he does, showing her the Pride flag he got tattooed on his chest just for her. Genuinely touched by the gesture, Jackie tells her father she loves him too and follows him and Mary to Petey’s, the lecherous local drug dealer. He supplies cocaine to Jackie, Rafael and Mary which gets quickly devoured between them. Later, back at her parents’ house, Jackie is trying to rest when her father offers her a present that Petey gave them. She glances at it and jokes, “Is this crack? Who smokes crack? What is it, the fuckin’ 80s?” Of course, that doesn’t stop her from taking a long drag on the pipe.

While she’s passed out, Daisy’s ghost visits her dreams and claims that no one cares that she’s dead. But seeing dead people in her dreams is preferable to the reality that awaits her when she makes her way downstairs. Desperate to keep the party going, Rafael asks Jackie to spend some time with Petey in her childhood bedroom. The realization of what her father’s asking of her sinks in quickly and the devastation is evident on Jackie’s face. She tosses him what money she has and walks out, despondent.

Realizing that she’s hit her rock bottom, Jackie reaches out to a leader from her AA meetings. But before she can recruit him to be her sponsor, Leslie knocks on the door. Jackie tries to apologize for their personal issues but Leslie pivots immediately to business: Jorge Cuevas is missing and Jackie needs to find Daisy so that they can figure out what happened. Unable to get Daisy on the phone (again), Jackie heads over to her apartment and discovers it empty, aside from Daisy’s pet cat.

She rushes over to Ray’s house to get some milk for the cat and to share her theory about what happened to Daisy. She’s right, of course — Daisy is dead — but Jackie’s still feeling the effects of the night before (plus, possibly some whiskey she stole from Daisy’s house) and her plan to take Daisy’s cat and her unused birth control to her sergeant sounds crazy. Ray — who’s managed to pull himself back from the brink this season — urges Jackie to crash at his place for the night. She invites him to lay down with her and then she cuddles up against him.

NCIS: Hawai’i 109: “Impostor”

When Kate Whistler and Lucy Tara kiss in NCIS: Hawai’i‘s pilot episode, Lucy pulls away and says, “we can’t do this again.” Kate repeats the sentiment when she’s trying (and failing) to give Lucy the brush off. Again, as in they’ve done this before. Later, when Ernie questions Lucy about her relationship with Whistler, she suggests that they’ve been together other times. Yet, despite this history that Kate and Lucy apparently share — give us a flashback episode, you cowards! — so many of their conversations feel devoid of it.

Case and point: Lucy catches up with Whistler this week after she spots her giving office tours. She invites Kate to take a break from playing tour guide and work with her on a reinvigorated cold case. Kate notes that she volunteered to give the tour, much to Lucy’s surprise. Lucy assumes that Kate must have only done it to get face time with the brass and Kate’s shocked that Lucy believes that she’s so defined by her ambition. Have writers have forgotten their own writing? Since the pilot episode, Kate has defined herself by her ambition…it’s why she wanted to keep their relationship a secret…it’s like her whole thing! Lucy insists that she didn’t mean to offend and that she’s still getting to know Kate.

“You don’t know things about me because you don’t ask,” Kate laments…which makes me wonder what they’ve been doing this entire time.

Thanks to some perspective from her teammate, Lucy realizes that she’s been avoiding true intimacy with Kate. After her boss ropes Kate into helping them with their case, Lucy admits that she hasn’t taken the opportunity to get to know her and pledges to do so now. Lucy’s first attempt at building that intimacy? A Google search which reveals that Kate’s brother was killed in action while serving in Iraq. The couple shares a warm moment and it feels like they’ve hit a new stage in their relationship.

“So, should I… google you, too?” Kate asks.

“Like you haven’t already,” Lucy responds, in the most consistent bit of writing about this relationship that the NCIS writers have mustered thus far.

The Sex Lives of College Girls 106-108: “Parents Weekend,” “I Think I’m a Sex Addict” and “The Surprise Party”

Written by Natalie

It’s Parents Weekend at Essex College and Alicia stumbles on Leighton and her family posing for the perfect Essex family photo (with their own artisanal leaves!). Leighton smiles at first — adorably happy to see Alicia — but then she remembers where she is and what she’s doing and grimaces in embarrassment. Later, Leighton, her parents and Nico join her roommates and their parents for dinner at the fanciest restaurant near campus. Suffice to say, dinner does not go well: her father repeatedly butts heads with Whitney’s mother, Whitney’s father waits until the last minute to tell her he’s not coming, the secret about Bella’s major gets out, Kimberly embarrasses her mother by assuming she can’t pay for their dinner and Leighton calls out her mother’s snobbery during a tense exchange in the bathroom.

“You think you are so much better than me but, Sweetheart, you and I are exactly the same,” Leighton’s mother snarks, during their conversation. Later, as if to prove exactly how different she and her mother are, Leighton heads to Alicia’s apartment and snuggles up next to her. Leighton admits that she likes Alicia more than anyone she knows…which feels like the most Leighton way possible for her to admit she really likes Alicia.

Among her friends, Leighton’s developing a reputation for giving good dating advice: she kept Whitney’s secret about dating her coach, all while encouraging her to hook up with another guy (“the best way to get over somebody is to whore out with someone hotter”) and she pushes Tova to end a relationship when their girlfriend wants them to femme it up at Thanksgiving (“fuck that!”). When Leighton boasts about it with Alicia later, Alicia chides her for being better at giving others advice than acknowledging their dating situation…namely addressing her as something other than a “business acquaintance.” Leighton insists that she’s just not a showy person; she doesn’t need to don a Pride flag and scream to everyone that she has a girlfriend. Alicia seizes on Leighton’s use of the word, “girlfriend,” and smiles.

“Oh, you have a girlfriend?” Alicia asks rhetorically.

“Yeah…wh-…no, I mean, I…I don’t know…do I?” Leighton stammers.

“Yeah, you do,” Alicia answers, before pulling Leighton into a kiss.

Despite the acknowledgement, Leighton’s still weary about anyone finding out about her sexuality: she gets nervous about Alicia’s neighbor who stares at her in the hall and she doesn’t invite Alicia to Nico’s birthday party. To her credit, Alicia doesn’t push for an invite, she only wants to know that their relationship exists outside the walls of her apartment. But even that small request irks Leighton enough that she rushes out of the apartment, promising to text Alicia later. But the next time Alicia and Leighton connect, it’s for more professional reasons: Bella and another female writer from The Catullan need Alicia’s guidance to deal with the sexual assualt they both experienced.

Nancy Drew 308: “The Burning of the Sorrows”

Written by Valerie Anne

Friends who deceive together achieve together.

This week, Bess tries to loop Temperance into a plan to catch the Copperhead, but instead Temperance sets her up so that she can steal the soul splitter. The helpful Historical Society ghost tries to warn her against trusting Temperance by way of a roll of caution tape, but Bess loves learning magic too much to burn that bridge. (I was watching this episode with my parents and at one point my dad said, about Bess, “She needs to stop falling in love with dead people.”)

Because of Temperance’s duplicity, they end up catching a lightning pokemondemon that feeds on heartbreak called the Burning Sorrow, which zaps Temperance and starts eating her most painful memories.

While all this is going on, Nick’s old friend from Florida shows up to help George find Nick, and when she introduces herself to George, she gives her name (Eve) and pronouns (she/her) which I loved and think all shows should start normalizing. With help from Bess’s gal pal, they do eventually find Nick, and Eve may or may not have killed someone but I’m sure that’s fine.

Eventually the Drew Crew accidentally folds the new detective into the world of the supernatural as they learn about Temperance’s daughter Charity and how the women in white split her soul and hid the shards from Temperance when Charity died on the battlefield. Oh and also the Copperhead is Temperance’s long-dead son-in-law.

With a bit of Nancy’s blood and a lock of Charity’s hair, Temperance uses a regeneration spell to heal herself and merge herself with her daughter’s DNA, so she comes back looking an awful lot like Alice from The Magicians. And I have a feeling that this Temperance/Charity situation isn’t going to be all hugs and puppies as they work together to “finish the work” they started.

Legacies 408: “You Will Remember Me”

Written by Valerie Anne

My kingdom for another well-lit Josie/Finch scene.

Josie spends most of this episode, written by lesbian writer Layne Morgan, in the Therapy Box, in a Grey’s Anatomy AU fanfic version of her real life. This AU starts with Josie and Finch hooking up in one on-call room while her sister hooks up with both MG and Ethan in the next room. Get it, girls!

In the therapy box, Josie is just as infatuated with Hope as she is in real life, but Doctor Hope passes out and Josie has to fight to preserve her name and her job, convinced they will fall apart without Hope.

In the real world, a woman swims in a pool that would make Bette Porter jealous and when she gets out she’s surprised to find the tribrid waiting. Hope threatens the witch point of the Triad until she gives up where the werewolves are, which causes her to burst into flames because of a covenant spell she broke.

The real Hope takes down the werewolf point of the Triad and becomes the Alpha, promptly forcing the pack to break their covenant so she can find the vampire.

If you didn’t watch The Originals, you might have felt more like Hope and wondered who the hell this lady is, but some will recognize this vampire queen as Aurora, Klaus’s former lover and forever enemy. And, of course, the first of Rebekah’s sireline. When she was woken up from the state of sleep the Mikaelsons put her in, she was furious to learn Klaus was already dead, and has decided to torture his daughter instead. Aurora taunts Hope with a knife made from the bones of the Hollow, but it’s a trap, and when Hope uses the knife on Aurora, instead of killing her, it triggers one of my favorite sci-fi tropes: a body swap!

In the therapy box, Josie realizes that maybe Hope wasn’t the perfect golden child she always thought she was, and maybe Josie was trying too hard to live up to her father’s vision of her, and the school that was built to be her legacy. Maybe it’s time to go her own way. So she says goodbye to Fake Finch and wakes up to find the real Finch waiting there for her.

In the principal’s office, Lizzie decides to take after her terrible father and uses the last of the tree the Muse burned to make the one (1) stake that could kill Hope Mikaelson.

4400 107: “Empowered Women Empower Women”

Written by Shelli Nicole

Keisha is out of frame in this photo — let’s all guess where she went, shall we?

THE 4400 ARE HORNY AND FUCKING OKAY!

Lotsa gay glances and touches to unpack here so let’s get coming going! Docs’ power finally surfaces and it’s the power of transference. He can heal someone’s pain and then give that exact pain to someone else. Shanice is still mad about last week, he apologizes but then she asks the big gay question “What are we doing” (GIRL….WOT??) and he is just as confused as I was at her asking that.

Anyway, Doc says that he’s cool with the queers in 2021 being poly, queer, non-commital, and fucking their friends, but then he’s like, “I’m an old school typa nigga sweetheart and I’m tryna be with just you shorty” and then she takes off his jacket and it seems like they def get to fucking it out!

Meanwhile, Jessica is gaslighting Keisha at dinner while wearing a dress that I actually own. Jessica lets it slip that they are running blood tests on the 4400 that show they may not be human. When Keisha asks to get more info, she basically tells her it’s not her business —then they break up (YAYYYY!!) We smash cut to Keisha and Soraya at a bar (where Claudette now works) flirting and chatting — then they go to Soraya’s room at the hotel and burst in the door furiously making out. I’m in love with Soraya ‘cos she was like “I’m not your rebound and after we’re done fucking we are gonna have a convo about why I’m a bad bitch” Keisha says a non-verbal okay by going down on her while a video of a fireplace plays on the computer.

Also, Also — LaDonna leaves to go be with her dad after she builds a computer from scratch with Soraya for Doc to use to get more info on what’s going on at Ypsi Med. Claudettes’ backstory includes a misogynistic and abusive husband who was gonna send her to an asylum because he was jealous of her and the smart ideas she had during the Civil Rights Movement, the green light took her when he was about to have her locked up. Claudette and Jharrel also kiss in this episode! AND we learn that Rev. Isaiah is doing some shady shit which includes having the folks of the 4400 that are following him and his “church”, sign some legal papers that basically put them in a secret conservatorship with the government.

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