Season Four Wrap Up Blog Part Two

I actually assembled the elements of this post in April, I think. Never finished it. Carly asked me about Part Duex after we’d first met, like in June, and I was like “Oh, I didn’t think anyone cared,” and she was like “I CARE!” I’m guessing she’s not the only one. I mean, there’re probs hands down totes a gazillion people who care.

-They posted up Part One of my Season Four Wrap-Up on TLW Online.
-The Season Five Promo just dropped.
-The Season Five premiere date has been announced (January 6th).
-I’ve attempted to watch Exes and Ohs and decided I’d rather witness re-plays of Everything Relative and Go Fish in eternal Purgatory than endure an additional minute of that teevee show.
-Fourteen ladies still have a shot at love with Tila Tequila.

… I feel there are great forces of homosexual nature swirling above me and colliding, inspiring me to throw this baby together and put it out there.

Anyhow; I’ve added archives on the sidebar that’re easier to navigate than the Blogger archive if you’re just trying to get to episode recaps — before I started writing for The L Word Online, I’d recapped all of Season Three just to ‘warm up,’ which was oddly fitting as I was stuck in Michigan and my Mom wouldn’t turn on the heat and she made us eat gruel and hobo’s strew instead of proper meals like civilized people. JK. It was cold there though. She fed us though good food like latkes. Howevs my room, right now, is unbearably cold. My toes are freezing. Anyhow, enough about me, lets move on to more about me.


Welcome to Part Two of the Season Four Wrap-Up Blog. At this sluggish pace, I’ll have beat this horse to an unrecognizable heap of horse-hair and straw by the end of summer [UPDATE: By the end of the year.] I like to do Top Tens. I’ve already done the Top Ten Best Moments of Season Four and the Top Ten Things That Drove Me Fucking Crazy During Season Four in Part One.

Now, let’s move on to the Best Quotes of Season Four … as spoken by my friends and I. Because let’s be honest, clearly this is really all about us. Obvs. No, actually, I’ve updated all the quotes for Season Four on my website and it’s fairly thorough, so you can check that out here. I realised when going through recaps for my friends’ wise input that we’re funniest when the show is awful. Much like babies, we shut up when we’re happy, e.g., during episodes we enjoy or while enjoying applesauce or other smushed savory treats. Oh well, it’s just teevee, who cares?

Lainy [following Tasha’s Iraq flashback]: Was that an orgasm–oh–oh. No.
Me: You’re going to be like the “Do they sell walls at Wal-Mart” girl for this blog.

10. This is the very first quote of the season (Episode 401) pretty indicative of things to come, re: having to watch this show, which she doesn’t actually like …

Heather: “This is how much I love you guys. I’m like, rolling my eyes already.”

(That’s Haviland & I at the Premiere Party, back when we were young and innocent. Before we knew. Also, Hav likes to photoshop things so they look like they were taken in mall photobooths, though she manages to always ensure my skin tone’s pale-ish-ness remains somewhere between Christina Ricci in The Addams Family and Christina Ricci in Buffalo 66.)

9. During Goldfrapp’s performance at Shane’s b-day party, Episode 411 …

Haviland: Is that Amy Poehler?
Me: It’s Goldfrapp.
Haviland: It looks like Amy Poehler making fun of this show. I thought it was about to get good for a second.
Heather: Who is that?
Haviland: Goldfish.

8. Re: Jenny’s dream, in which she yells “STACEY! STACEY!” outside Stacey Merkin’s apartment, it’s a “Streetcar Named Desire” reference …

Heather: This might be better than ARSON ARSON.
Lainy: Is she yelling “Jay-Z”?

7. In Episode 408, after Paige tells Shane “I want your fingers inside me” …

Haviland: What did she just say? “I want your fingers inside me?”
Heather: “I want your fingers inside me.”
Megan: She said that ’cause she’s straight!
[pause, followed by flabbergasted noises all around]
Jamie: What?
Haviland: [said in a “But I said it last night, fool!” voice] Gay girls can’t say that?
Sara: Oh yes gay girls can say that!!
Haviland: I mean, really? Cause then I’m–
Megan: Okay, fine, I take it back.

6. Episode 404, As Jenny purchases Sounder …

Haviland: Wait–why is she getting a dog?
Karen: For sex.

5. As Kit stares down the bottle in Episode 409 …

Me: Wouldn’t it be awesome if she was actually thinking like, “I wonder what it would feel like to stick this bottle up my vagina.”
Haviland: She’s debating if she wants to drink or not.
Me: I know, but it would be like, way cooler if we THINK she’s considering taking a drink, but then there’s a twist and what she’s really considering is if she’s got enough lubrication in her vaginal canal to handle that bottle and then she just hiked up her sun-dress and was like “Okay boys, let’s roll!”
[Kim and Haviland look at me like I’m a maniac]

4. On Shane:

Sara: She needs a cheeseburger.
[pause] And a milkshake.
Me: You know who needs a milkshake is Shay.
TB [has never seen this show before]: She needs a haircut. Like … right now.
Jen: That’s her job on the show. A hair stylist.
TB: Are you serious?

3. On Dana’s reappearance in Episode 412 …

Me: I love Dana ’cause she’s totally drinking regular Coke, like me! Boo Diet!
Heather: She’s dead, she can do that, you don’t get fat when you’re dead.
Haviland: She’s rolling her eyes because she’s like “I can’t believe they brought me all the way out here for that scene.”

2. During episode 410, pre-empted by An Inconvenient Truth (which, unlike Episode 410, everyone’d already seen except me. But I’ve seen it now. Both. Episode 410 and An Inconvenient Truth.)…

Me: You know why they’re doing this, right? Because we’re gay.
Haviland: They wouldn’t do this to Grey’s Anatomy.
Me: They’d never deprive America of McDreamy. But oh, the lesbos? Whatever, here: global warming, simmer on that, lesbos.
Me: I can tell you one thing for sure. Al Gore is not a lesbian.
Haviland: There is nothing about Al Gore that is a gay lady.
Me: Can you imagine Al Gore having sex? He’d be all like uh–uh–yes, that’s goood–uh–Tipper–uhhh—oh!
Haviland: Tipperrrr—Tipperr–Tip–Oh, Tip!
[Ten minutes later..]
Haviland: I think it’s funny to say YEAH TIPPER!
Heather: Tip Her, I barely even know her!

Tara: They should do it where it makes a difference, like before a show—I mean not to make a big stereotype about lesbians being politically active but—-
Me: But c’mon. Lesbians believe in global warming, I mean, right? [everyone nods like: RIGHHHT]
Haviland: They should do it before like, Entourage.
Heather: Yeah, like, we obviously all know about global warming—
Haviland: At least we all know that Melissa Etheridge song.
During the Phyllis-Leonard “Phyllis is a Lesbian Convo,” one of the worst-written
conversations ever to take place on television ever …

: I’d rather be watching An Inconvenient Truth.
Me: I’d rather be having an Inconvenient Truth.
Heather: I’d rather be gargling with broken glass.
Haviland: I think this IS an inconvenient truth.

1. After the best KITTISM ever: “You motherfuckin liar, fuck you you lying low-down nanny-fucking motherfucker! Who–what you think I’m some motherfuckin’ chump? Fuck you, motherfucker! Goddamn it–get out of my motherfuckin’ life you motherfucker–shit!”

Megan: I wish Jodi was there now so we could see her interpreter try to sign all that!
Sara: Why would Kit say that at that moment of all moments?
Yana: Because everything on “The L Word” happens at the best moments ever.
Me: Sara, this is the way that we live.
Sara: Oh, right.
Heather:These are the days of our lives like sand through the hourglass….

Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2685 articles for us.


  1. Just…Awesome. (Like the dog, I guess.)

    Still wishin’ and hopin’ that someday, somehow you’ll go to work on completing the L Word compendium, Reise. The first two seasons are totally ripe for the picking, and you are no doubt the finest woman for the job!

    Keep on keepin’ on. Whatever happens, you’re still my hero.



  2. Ah, that made me laugh so hard I cried. TFL, totes.

    I cannot wait to be a part of Season 5. I want a time machine so I can add my witty repartee to Season 4 but I guess I’ll just have to go re-read South of Nowhere so I can laugh at how funny I am. Kidding! (not really!) The black girl, obvs.

    Seriously, though, stoked. We should like, watch seasons 1 and 2 and recap them to prepare. Or not, cause that is viciously time consuming. But kinda sounds fun, no?

  3. If I was Eileen (sp?) I’d be slightly worried that your friends comments on watching the show are funnier than the words she has written for her characters to say.

  4. luvtub: I’m writing that down, about whatever happening, me still being your hero, in case I do something bad and you’re like “not my hero anymore.” I’ll be like “yeah I am.” Or, I guess you just did write it down. So NM. Wanna know what else is Awesome? We had a dog named Awesome, and my new roommate has a girlfriend named Rad. awesome right?
    tron: How about a love machine instead of a time machine?

    Or a screencap-intern-machine?

    We’ll be all over this. Season One and Two, obvs. The black girl, obvs.
    anonymous: If I was Ilene, I’d be worried about me camping outside her house, following her and EZ Girl around and trying to show up at good times to announce that I am Marie Lyn Bernard, co-creator and executive producer of notime’s hit show Living it Out.

    Unfortunately, IC doesn’t think about me near as much as I think about her. That’s fine, she’ll come around. They always do.

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