“When I send my Macbook out to sea, do you think I should say “Go with God, Crispy” like Maggie Smith does in “Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit,” or “Boom, Mr. Longbottom!” like Maggie Smith does in “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2″?”

“Do you think Putin is upset that we did not include “Vladimir” in this list? It is a pretty lesbian name.”

“I hope you gave birth to a swan, invented a new way to eat pineapples, started recycling or used a cucumber as a dildo after your dog ate your dildo. I hope only good things for you.”

“In other, lighter news I want to share with everyone that there is a segment of a hot dog on the section of our roof that we can see from the bedroom window.”

“I asked Riese if she thought I would ever have sex again if I started wearing kaftans from World Market and she said no.”

“Ugh I’m gonna run through the six with my woes and it’s gonna be so good for instagram.”

Sneak peaks for days, Brittani’s special workout recommendation, Stef’s pursuit of ERW, Rachel’s trip to Madison, early requests for AS 1.0 and so many more things you care deeply and passionately about!

Get those ten vibrators into this cat cafe with your gal pal, STAT. We’ve got business to take care of.

This month we visit Club Drizzy, Heather gets punched in the face by a racist stranger at the airport, we pause to admire new merch, B wants to interview her not-ex-girlfriend and WHO WILL BE THE BUTT OF OUR GENERATION?

HOW DARE YOU BE SO ON TOP OF THINGS

Were mermaids the original lesbian separatists? What thrilling editorial conversations were had this month? Those questions and more are tackled in this peek behind the curtains.