Every single Riverdale subplot lives in my mind rent-free, and while that is helpful when it comes to writing weekly recaps of the show, it is also my cross to bear. There have been five seasons now, and if you have been on this wild journey, then you know that no show does soap-opera-noir-gothic-horror-camp-absurdity quite like Riverdale. Take a walk down memory lane and find out which subplot speaks to your truest self.
Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, short stories, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the assistant managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear or are forthcoming in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.
Kayla has written 814 articles for us.
KAYLA I LOVE THIS. I got Small Fry avenging Papa Poutine! Classic!
from Jughead Accidentally Joining an Underground Literary/Murder society:
“You are both well read and also a little spooky. You enjoy rituals. Maybe you write creepy short stories or moody poems.”
KAYLA THIS MADE MY DAY AND I FEEL SO SEEN.
I like how there is a book-related option for almost every question. And since I clicked most of them, it’s probably not surprising that I got “Jughead Accidentally Joining an Underground Literary/Murder Society in High School”.
Same!
I am still slogging my way through season 4 (ugh) but had to take this quiz immediately anyway. I got Cheryl throwing a high school reunion key party, which I would probably never actually do but I would DEFINITELY attend if I was invited. A+ quiz Kayla!
Come on serial killer’s daughter. Come on serial killer’s daughter. Come on serial killer’s daughter.
“Twin Babies Levitating Over a Fire as Part of a Cult Ritual Led by Chad Michael Murray”
I’ll take it as serial killer’s daughter adjacent.
in retrospect I SHOULD have incorporated the serial killer gene in this quiz
I don’t watch Riverdale regularly enough to have the storyline choice resonate but as someone who just stocked up on specialty cheeses for mac n’ cheese and pimento cheese, this..
“In short, you enjoy food and revenge. But don’t worry, the only murder you’re capable of is absolutely destroying a grilled cheese. Less mobster, more muenster!”
…is scarily accurate.
Small Fry Attempting to Avenge His Dead Father Papa Poutine oh my god I totally forgot about this plot. But also I had the nickname small fry in middle school so this tracks.
Was hoping for Archie fighting a bear and somehow got Archie fighting a bear!
My flatmate has never watched this show, but has heard me talk about Archie and the bear do much he probably thinks it’s a main plot point…
Whoo! I’m every single Riverdale musical number! That’s accurate!
I keep getting “Thanks for contacting us! We will get in touch with you shortly” when I hit submit??? I tried in incognito as well.
I got this too
ok i think what is happening here is that you are getting a tie in the results? and i’m not sure if there’s a workaround for this!
Never seen Riverdale, but the description of Small Fry avenging Papa Poutine seems right on target. I am definitely capable of absolutely destroying a grilled cheese.
I got “You Are…Veronica Starting a Rum Brand as a Teenager” “Wow, you are so enterprising and ambitious that the law simply cannot get in the way of your business endeavors! You probably balance multiple projects at once, but the driving force at the root of those projects = your gigantic daddy issues! Sorry!” this spoke deeper than it should lol
“Jughead Accidentally Joining an Underground Literary/Murder Society in High School” absolutely yes
Every Single Riverdale Musical Number, “Four words for you: Former Theater Kid Energy.” Kayla how could you call me out like this, in my own home no less