This week’s episode of Pretty Little Liars was in that category where at first you’re like “Holy shit! They just revealed everything in the show!” But then you realize that they actually revealed nothing and just made the plot line even more complicated and they’ll probably just do six seasons and a TV movie. It was also in the category of “so creepy I had to watch three episodes of Ugly Americans just to fall asleep.”

We open on Hanna chatting on the phone with her mother, seemingly unaware of how much the front of her shirt reminds me of vag.

I DON’T THINK I’M BEING UNREASONABLE. THIS IS HOW I FEEL WHENEVER I SEE SHIRTS THAT HAVE THAT STYLE FRONT FLAP.

Wilden comes by to look 100% like a child molester, or maybe just to ask for a blood sample. The blood found on Ali’s anklet is O negative, just like Hanna’s blood. I suppose Wilden just found himself a warrant for Hanna’s medical records. Lucky for Hanna, her mother being out of town means they can’t subpoena her blood for shit. Take that.

OH NO. JUST KEEP GOING ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS. I’M JUST HERE TO WATCH AND BREATH HEAVILY.

Hanna tells Wilden to fuck off and we cut scene to the Liars walking to school.

ON WEDNESDAY WE WEAR WHITE SHIRTS WITH BLACK BOTTOMS. YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US HANNA!

The Liars Swing by The Life Cafe for a morning double mocca frappaccino where they overhear someone who “looks and sounds exactly like Alison” except neither looks nor sounds anything like Alison.

DO I LOOK YOUNGER FROM THE SIDE?

It’s like when your friend does an impression of Chris Farley by just saying “Fay guy in a little coat.” She does, however, look a tiny bit like Kristin Chenoweth.

THIS CASTING DIRECTOR SHOULD BE FIRED.

Her name is Cece and she doesn’t look a day over 40 so she’s probably supposed to be 22. Cece immediately recognizes the girls as Ali’s friends and tells them to stop by her shop if they want to talk or shoplift anything. I’m serious about that last part, she actually offered to let them shoplift. It was uncomfortable for everyone.

THANK YOU FOR THE OFFER, BUT WE’LL PASS ON THE SHOPLIFTING AS WELL AS YOUR INVITE TO THE INTERNATIONAL MULTICOLORED FABRIC FESTIVAL

Starsweep to school where Aria waltzes in to Chez Ella’s Classroom and Dry Cleaners. Why is Ella’s dress in her classroom?

WHAT ON EARTH COULD SHE BE HANGING?!?!?

OH. IT’S JUST A DRESS. WOMP WOMP.

Because Ella has a hot OKCupid date! Actually that doesn’t really explain why on earth she would bring her dress inside her classroom but that’s really not the biggest mystery on the show. Regardless, Ella probes Aria for some last minute date advice. In my online date experience it’s a good date as long as your date doesn’t tell you about their staph infection or offer to pop your anus back in should it ever prolapse.

THEY’RE ACTUALLY SPORKS

Outside the school, Spencer uses some computer program to stalk A/Mona/Ali that I could not elucidate no matter how many of Grace’s screenshots I looked through.

SO LIKE, THIS IS A SCREENSHOT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M LOOKING AT HERE?

I think it’s like a Minority Report meets Pinterest situation. He who shall not be pictured shows up and wants to know why Spencer is avoiding him. Or he’s mad at Spencer. I honestly can’t really remember but there’s something going on in their relationship and it has to do with Toby being pissed about Spencer and Hanna lying to him last episode.

IN WHICH SPENCER IS SHOCKED TO DISCOVER TOBY IS A CLOSET BRONY/FURRY.

Spencer has forgotten the golden relationship rule, which is that your relationship is over when you spend more time talking about it than living it. My interest in Toby was over like 32 episodes ago.

Outside the Life Cafe, Emily is clearing tables when Nate comes up seeking girl advice. Being that between Emily’s exes, one tried to drown her, one died mysteriously and one had some straight up crazy-girl eyes, she is obviously a relationship expert. Nate needs to know if a candle is a personal enough birthday gift or if he should go with body chocolate or a four DVD collection of The Anal Girls of Tobacco Road (I looked it up, this is a real porn series). Honestly I think he should have just gone with a donation to Autostraddle in Jenna’s name because I’ve always thought she was a big ‘ol lezzie. Nate also tells Emily about how Jenna is always saying they’re BFFs and she was super BFFs with Maya too. Everyone is BFFs with everyone. Emily clarifies that actually she has no friends because she’s trapped in a dark and stormy place right now.

THANKS FOR THE OFFER OF FRIENDSHIP, BUT I HAVE TO BROOD ALONE FOR FIVE MORE EPISODES UNTIL SOME MYSTERIOUS OLDER LESBIAN SHOWS ME THE LIGHT

Nate also doesn’t get a hint and keeps telling Emily what a hottie she is and if she would just let him give her a good dicking she would find out that she actually really does like men.

C’MON GIVE ME A SHOT IN THE SACK. I’LL EVEN LIGHT THIS MILDLY SCENTED CANDLE!

Back over at Hanna’s, there’s an Ouija board! Does anyone else chronically want to pronounce this “Ooh Wheee Geee Ahhh?”

AT THIS POINT IT’S LIKE, WE GET IT A, YOU DON’T NEED TO SIGN EVERYTHING FROM YOURSELF. YOU CERTAINLY COULD HAVE JUST CIRCLED THE A WITHOUT CROSSING OUT EVERYTHING ELSE. WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR DAY JOB?

Hanna flips the guide thingy over only to prick her finger Sleeping Beauty style. Only instead of falling asleep for a hundred years Hanna just, like, bleeds a little.

WTF A?! THIS IS HOW HEP C GETS SPREAD!

The whole situation comes with a nice little note from A saying “Dear Hanna, I just thought this would be cute for a second. Love you baby! Always, A.”

Hanna flashes back to a night when she and Mona used the board to ask the spirit world what happened to Ali. The guide moved to “LIVES.” OMG GUYS ALI LIVES.

HANNA AND MONA’S EXPERIMENTAL WICCAN PHASE WAS PRECEDED BY THEIR EXPERIMENTAL VEGAN PHASE AND OBVIOUSLY FOLLOWED BY THEIR EXPERIMENTAL LEZZIE PHASE.

Okay I need to come clean about something. Every time I’ve ever used a Ouija board I was the one moving it. It was me. Sorry to the entire 1998-1999 Wildwood Elementary sixth grade girls. Just at this terrifying moment, Hanna to maybe-not-really-but-maybe see Ali at the window. Meep!

WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO WHEN THIS ACTRESS AGES TOO MUCH TO CONTINUE APPEARING IN FLASHBACKS?

Oh right, and then someone throws a potted plant at Hanna’s doorstep.

ECOLOGICAL DEATH: THE WORST DEATH OF THEM ALL

Outside the school (but somehow still the same day) Spencer tracks down Jason. He’s going for a run around the school because you know, the high school girls just love watching him run or something. Spencer inquires about Cece and Jason lets her know that she’s crazier than a chihuahua on cocaine.

INCLUDING HER ORGASMS

Nate and Emily swagger on over to Cece’s boutique to pick out a gift for Jenna. Emily notices some truly hideous earrings which I guess she had given to Maya a week before her death. Nothing like a good pair of death earrings to really bring down the vibe. Nate recognizes the earrings which means he totally killed Maya or at least tried to bang her (because I so don’t believe he’s her cousin).

PLEASE DON’T MISINTERPRET MY DISINTERESTED EYES AS SEX EYES.

Cece inquires about Emily’s feelings for Nate and, upon realizing that Emily isn’t attracted to this one particular guy, declares that Emily must be The Friend Who’s a Giant Lezzie. Emily admits she prefers a good fingerbanging, but explains she still doesn’t want Nate and Jenna together because Jenna is a wacked out bitch with a serious tendency to be completely creepy.

OR…. GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY

Starsweep to The Life Cafe where Ella is all dressed up for her hot date. After some light flirting with the baker, Ella’s date shows up. There are only six men in Rosewood so obviously it has to be Pastor Ted! Wait, wasn’t he Ashley’s man?!

THE ORIGINAL THREESOME

Ella’s date goes swimmingly except Ted eats his ice cream wrong. I mean, who does this guy think he is? Just going around eating ice cream however he wants. The nerve!

I MAY BE A MAN OF GOD, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T HAVE NEEDS IF YOUR CATCH MY DRIFT.

Just after Ella leaves The Life Cafe, Nate and Emily show up. Emily patiently and carefully explains to Nate that before Jenna was in her current cuddly incarnation, she was a psycho bitch who was probably in cahoots with Garret.

LISTEN. JENNA IS A PSYCHOTIC BITCH WHO WILL PROBABLY KILL YOU AND THEN CUT YOUR BODY UP AND EAT IT BIT BY BIT. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS ANY CLEARER.

Nate takes this to mean that Jenna is an angel (of both the biblical and Victoria’s Secret variety) and he should definitely be in love with her. This guy is so fucking dumb I just want to slap him in the face until he’s a somewhat sentient being.

NO NATE, YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY SEE THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA FROM SPACE. THAT ACTUALLY MAKES NO SENSE.

Meanwhile Spencer and Hanna continue their ongoing passionate love affair. The two see Ali’s dad and Spencer encourages Hanna to go apologize for some unknown indiscretion, as it seems that the blood test was Ali’s family’s idea.

YOU’VE NEVER REALLY STUDIED UNTIL YOU’VE USED A HOT PEPPER SHAKER AS A BOOKMARK. DELICIOUS DELICIOUS BOOKMARK.

Hanna approaches White Hair McGee but he wants nothing to do with her or her cute curly bob. He claims, “A true friend would never do what you did,” and I, of course, have no fucking clue what he is talking about.

WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

Since everyone else seems to have a date, Aria gets jealous and heads over to the mental hospital to see Mona.

I CANNOT EVEN GET OVER HOW LOVELY MONA LOOKS IN THIS PICTURE. WHEN EXACTLY WAS THIS TAKEN?

Mona’s visits are now supervised by a nurse, but that’s okay because the nurse was clearly hired due to her ability to zone out and not pay attention. In proper cray cray style, Mona builds a card house and Aria tries to pry details out of her.

OH MY NURSE FRIEND OVER THERE? SHE’S JUST HERE TO SERVE MY PLEASURE. AND YOURS. AND MAKE SANDWICHES.

For some reason ever since Mona went to the mental hospital she’s been really sweaty all the time. Is that what the directors think mental patients look like? Just really sweaty? Either way, eventually Mona just says it isn’t her and asks Aria to tell Hanna she’s sorry. For like, fucking up everyone’s lives and stuff. So Aria leaves in sexual frustration.

WELL YES, BUT CAN YOU DO IT WITHOUT THE GLUE?

It’s suddenly nighttime and we catch up with Emily leaving The Life Cafe (presumably from work/using the free wifi) where she runs in to Cece. Cece wants to know how talking to Nate went and makes awkward small talk. Oh, she also makes exactly the type of joke about Emily’s drink order that people make when you’re gay and they’ve just found out. Like a wink-wink-nudge-nudge we’re in on some joke together except back the fuck off bitch this isn’t a joke it’s my life. Um. Like that kind. But also there’s maybe some light sexual tension so that’s okay.

I PREFER MY AMERICANOS BI-CURIOUS.

Cece says she needs Emily’s phone number so they can meet up to to shop for new strap-on harnesses. Obviously Emily complies, passing her phone on over. Instead of entering her phone number and taking a cheesy picture of herself, Cece dials Jenna’s phone number and goes batshit cray cray.

DO YOU HAVE PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN?…. BETTER LET HIM OUT!

She tells Jenna that she’s Nate’s girlfriend and if Jenna ever sees Nate again she’ll scratch her eyes out. That’s an eye threat to a previously blind chick. She went there.

JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT ROMI’S NEW BOYFRIEND

In other words, it’s safe to say that Cece is out of her fucking skull, cracked up, nutso, wigged-out, off the deep end, kooky, over the moon, loopy-doopy, mad as a hatter, shit-housed, redic, a few cards short of a deck, deep in it, out to lunch, off her rocker, bonkers, Michele Bachmann, no holds barred, bananas, psycho, wacked out, cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, a screw loose, freaky-deaky, insane in the membrane, needs a check up from the neck up, cray cray cray cray crazy.

OH I NOW I GET THE TITLE OF THE EPISODE.

Emily having left The Life Cafe means that Ella is free to waltz back in. Ella is clearly unimpressed with the Ted situation, but that doesn’t stop her from pursuing the wildly age inappropriate barista/baker/owner.

NOTHING SAYS TOO YOUNG FOR YOU LIKE A LEATHER JACKET

I feel like this is a good time to show you my actual notes from this scene:

PLEASE DON’T JUDGE MY HAND WRITING

Clearly I’m actually, technically, legally psyched about Ella’s new love life.

A SHOT AT LOVE WITH ELLA MONTGOMERY

Outside the mental hospital Hanna is waiting. Hanna is unimpressed with the dirt Aria dug up (none) and thus thinks this is a perfect moment to go gallivanting back inside the mental hospital. While this is no doubt Illegal it’s also Creepy and Hard To Do. But that’s not going to stop Hanna! So Aria teaches a really important lesson about friendship.

REAL TALK

Off the two go in mental hospital (which they insist on repeatedly calling insane asylums as if that term didn’t go out with the 1950s). The two, of course magically waltz in to Mona’s shockingly insecure room without issue. Mona moans (get it) about how Aria doesn’t know something. Trigger the pastel flashback coloring. I guess one day Mona and Hanna were talking about secret codes using the first letter of each word in a sentence.

INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO FOREST CREATURES

Just then, Ali’s dad, followed by second season Jason even though this theoretically took place during first season Jason’s reign, starts yelling at Hanna. I guess after Hanna thought she saw Ali at the window she went ahead and told Ali’s mom about that. So that was a dumb idea and obviously a newly added plot element that could have been addressed back when Ali’s mom came to town.

DON’T RILE HER UP, DAD, IT JUST MAKES HER HAIR EVEN BIGGER

Unfortunately, while Hanna and Aria were watching the flashback Mona slipped out of the room! If there’s one thing my mother taught me, it’s that you always close the door behind you when sneaking into mental hospitals. Aria and Hanna’s mothers would have taught them too if they weren’t so busy trying to date a man of the cloth.

OH WELL. LET’S GO TO PANERA.

While Hanna and Aria are running off to find Mona, let’s check in with Spencer. Where is she? Coincidentally driving right behind a very very drunk Jason who totals his car. Classy. Spencer could take this moment to drive her car away and call it a wash with her half brother, but decides this is a great time to add a whole new set of lies under her belt. She tells Jason to scootch on over and she drives them both home.

THIS IS THE MOST ACCURATE DRUNK FACE EVER SHOWN ON TV EVER

Back at the Hastings Ranch, Toby is hanging out on the couch Melissa style. I’m not really sure when it got kosher to just hang out and jerk off in your high school girlfriend’s living room, but then again I’m not the one desperately trying to fill in the plot-holes in this shipwreck.

IMAGINING WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO HAVE AN ELEPHANT’S DICK

Spencer runs in and gets settled just in time for Wilden to come a’knocking. I need 100,000 snacks to deal with this dick face. Wilden tells Spencer her car was found at the scene of a hit and run. Toby, in his only likable moment ever, covers for Spencer faux-chastising her for leaving doors open. This is only really funny in light of the fact that Spencer actually does this constantly throughout the show. It’s probably the reason A is winning. Wilden is unconvinced but leaves anyways since showing up to minor’s houses in the middle of the night to question them is probably illegal.

THIS WHOLE CAR SITUATION LOOKS VERY SUSPICIOUS SPENCER, EVEN IF YOU ARE HANGING AROUND WITH A FOUR TIME ALL-PAC10 WOMEN’S SOCCER PLAYER.

Back over at the mental hospital, Mona has run down into an old Children’s Ward. The ward is still filled with old kid’s stuff which tells me that the hospital is clearly not in touch with reality/doesn’t know about the bed shortage in hospitals throughout the nation. Mona grabs some creepy dolls and soft strokes their hair.

THE ONLY DOLLS CREEPIER THAN THOSE FULL SIZE SILICONE SEX DOLLS

This scene was actually too scary to watch a second time, but Mona just kept giving her best Ophelia impersonation and repeating a few phrases over and over again:

NO ONE TO SAVE LIZZ FROM NIGHTMARES EITHER

WHERE WERE WE? WE WERE ABOUT TO PISS OURSELVES SCARED.

MISS ARIA YOU ARE ONLY EZRA’S WIFE DURING THAT ONE SPECIFIC ROLE PLAY YOU GUYS DO IN BED

Hanna and Aria hear someone coming, even though for some reason this place isn’t alarmed, and sneak out through whatever magic portal they entered.

FLOO POWDER TO: DIAGON ALLEY

Aria decides to stay the night with Hanna, partially because they’re scared shitless, but also because her mom is still out getting it on at her after-date-date.

THIS HAS BEEN A SLUT-LANGUAGE-HEAVY EPISODE

Reflecting on the night, The Liars huddle together sleepover style. Mona’s statements initially just seem totally unnerving and illogical, until Hanna has the sudden realization that she needs to use Mona’s old word code. So “No one to save Ali from Evil” is actually “NOT SAFE.” Well, we already sort of knew that. The big break comes from “Where were we? Maya’s away sleeping sweet; until Garrett’s all rosy, count on me.” It becomes WWWMASSUGARCOM, which is obviously the website www.massugar.com. Obviously.

THERE WAS ONLY ONE BED. THE BED WAS GIVEN TO THE FOUR GRANDPARENTS BECAUSE THEY WERE SO OLD AND SO TIRED. THEY WERE SO TIRED, THEY NEVER GOT OUT OF IT.

The liars direct on over to the site and lo and behold it shows Maya’s not-dead-yet-face and requesting a password. Based on Mona’s comment to Aria, I’m guessing the password is MAYAKNEW.

BECAUSE OF MAYA’S HAIR AND RING THIS PICTURE LOOKED LIKE MAYA WAS GIVING THE FINGER THE FIRST 100 TIMES I SAW IT

Wait. Maya knew?!? Maya knew what?! YOU NEVER TELL US ANYTHING.

As usual, we end this episode with some creepy black gloves doing something completely bizarre and not nearly as telling as I’d like it to be. This week, A pulls a tape recorder out of Mona’s dolls.

SHOULD HAVE BEEN A TALKBOY TAPE RECORDER.

Tune in next week when A’s plot will be revealed or maybe we’ll just have to watch Spencer and Toby fight while Ezria makes out. Who knows, maybe we’ll get to see Emily smile. But probably not.

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