Hello Autostraddle. This is Tinkerbell and I am seven years old. I am also very famous and very skinny, but one of my eyeballs is bigger than the other eyeball. I have three outfits, but I will soon have four outfits because I am sitting shiva for Tinkerbell. Not me, the other Tinkerbell. You have to wear black to sit shiva and two of my outfits are pink and one is red. The red one says UH HUH HER on it and it was signed by Leisha Hailey who wrote that I am a “hot dog.” But back to the topic of this post which is that my heroine Tinkerbell is dead and I am so sad, how do I go on:
A long time ago, I was a purse. Then Riese took me in and named me Tinkerbell. She named me after the world’s most beautiful dog besides me; Tinkerbell:
In honor of this sad day, probably the worst day in the herstory of dogkind, Paris Hilton has posted multiple pictures of Tinkerbell on her instagram webpage. This is an important moment for visibility for small dogs who like to wear pink.
As the only surviving Tinkerbell, I feel a great pressure to live up to the legacy of my foremother. Riese has promised me that I can do this without having to miss any episodes of my favorite television program Melrose Place. The other day while I was tossing and turning inside a pillow case inside a washing machine I was thinking about my own mortality and decided that I have no mortality.
This is me when Riese dressed up as Paris Hilton for Halloween and I went as Tinkerbell:
Enough about me, today is the other Tinkerbell’s day. I will be watching Tinkerbell highlight reels on YouTube and looking in the mirror while chanting the Mourner’s Kaddish. Riese has assured me that I will not die because “seriously this past year has been f*cked enough.” I do not know what that means but I do feel that I am still robust.
Unfortunately, Tinkerbell (not me, the other Tinkerbell) is no longer robust. I would like to offer Paris Hilton the opportunity to hold me close to her chest while sleeping on her golden princess bed if she ever feels sad or alone.
I was informed of this news by Angry Lesbian Feminist Carmen Rios, who told me, “RIP Tinkerbell, survived only by the other, more famous Tinkerbell who lives with Riese.” I felt two feelings at that moment:
1. Thank you for recognizing my fame
2. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
“I’m very sad. Willow gets to be on the couch all day today if she wants. She can even lay on Carrie’s grandmother’s snuggly blanket,” said Bren, who cares deeply about Carrie’s grandmother.
“It’s really sad because she is really sad because dogs are amazing,” said Angry Lesbian Feminist Carmen Rios. “I am going to give Eli so many kisses today.”
“I can’t believe she kept a dog alive for 14 years,” said Stef, who self-identifies as “The Worst.” I have always felt a strong bond with Stef for pointing out to Riese that she was holding me upside down at the Halloween party and also because she is the Vapid Fluff editor, and that is what my insides are made out of: vapid fluff. Twice they have stuffed me at Build-a-Bear for free, and one time Riese’s Mom stuffed me but I had body image problems.
“Actually, chihuahuas can live to be 20+,” said Angry Lesbian Feminist Carmen Rios.
“She hoards animals and is way neglectful,” said Stef.
The conversation then devolved into a discussion of Paris Hilton’s pet-hoarding and alleged animal abuse. Stef said Paris Hilton has 35+ animals including a pig. I found this very upsetting so during this conversation I closed both of my eyes (even though one is bigger than the other) and sang “Stars Are Blind” to myself really softly, until Stef noted, “Anyway if you google Paris Hilton animal neglect a lot of things come up. She should probably have just gotten a dog purse.”
Paris Hilton if you are reading this you can call me anytime if you need a small animal to cry on. Riese doesn’t have her voice mail set up, though, so you should try texting first.
Tinkerbell, I love you.
thank you heather hogan i hope your dog lives forever like me
i’m sorry for your loss, tinkerbell. maybe now is the time to rethink buying that replica of the titanic necklace, to symbolize that your heart will go on, and remind you that leo dicaprio once had the face of a goddamned angel, and also to remind you how cold the water in the ocean can be. aren’t you glad you don’t live on a boat, tink? xoxo
Thank you Laneia. I like this idea very much. I think you should buy me a titanic necklace. I am so glad I don’t live on a boat. But I have traveled on boats before, for example I took a cruise ship with lesbians once. I agree that I have the face of an angel and I do not like cold water. But I do like you thank you for the necklace. Love tinkerbell.
This tribute is the best thing I have read on the internet today and I was nominated for an Eisner, Tinkerbell. You should be very proud.
thank you shannon i am very proud also. mostly of myself, but also of you and your team of women with nice hair. if you would like to include me in a future issue of your eisner award winning comic book about girls who were never purses, that would be okay with me. but until then i am accepting baked goods for shiva. thank you shannon.
i can’t believe tinkerbell quoted me in an article! I’VE FINALLY MADE IT!
thank you angry feminist lesbian carmen rios i hope if i ever meet eli that he does not bite me or carry me around in his mouth
I am deeply moved by this post.
hello carlytron this is tinkerbell and i want to thank you for your deep movements. i hope you can bring a nice sponge cake to my shiva sitting thank you love tinkerbell.
I love Stars Are Blind totally un-ironically. RIP Tinkerbell. Long live Tinkerbell.
Hello Lindsay I also love that song when I am ironing and also when I am not ironing. Thank you for you sympathy love Tinkerbell
tinkerbell, my heart is with you today.
Thank you Stef Schwartz for carrying me in your heart love tinkerbell
If only all Tinkerbells could live forever.
hello rachel i will clap if i believe if you can also clap if you believe CLAP CLAP CLAP i love you love tinkerbell
tinkerbell, i just want you to know that i never even knew about your namesake before today. while i am sad to hear of the death of your heroine, know that for me, you are the true and eternal tinkerbell.
hello maddie yes it is so sad that you did not know about my namesake before today. i suggest you follow paris hilton on instagram and then you will be all caught up on things relevant. i love you thank you love tinkerbell
Here is a croquembouche for your shiva sitting, Tinkerbell.
thank you kaelyn this is perfect because when she drops it on the floor i will be able to eat it because i am so short. thank you love tinkerbell
I am sorry for your loss, Tinkerbell. I would like to know what Nacho has to say about this. Please follow up.
hello readymade i am going to reach out to nacho so that we can sit on the couch together and cry with brandy howard and maybe we’ll get put on the television. thank you so much readymade i love you, love tinkerbell
Even on this sad day you manage to cheer me up, Tinkerbell. Thank you for such a heartfelt remembrance of original Tinkerbell, may she live on in our hearts and Paris Hilton’s instagram forever.
thank you jane i hope that you will spend some time today looking at paris hilton’s insta and crying softly like i would be doing if my eyeballs were the same size! i love your eyeballs, love tinkerbell
How do I get the title of Angry Lesbian Feminist? xD
hello ashley it is me tinkerbell. what you need to do is attract this kind of attention. alternately i believe we are making a mug but i do not know when the mug will be available for sale. thank you ashley love tinkerbell.
Oh Tinkerbell, we are so sorry for your loss…. Also, you were once a purse?? How do I not know your story/legend.
seconded. time for tinkerbell’s memoirs to come out
I hesitate to mention this….in this moment of grief…..but, Tinkerbell, when you looked in the mirror, have you noticed the similarity of your image to “Rat” on Pearls Before Swine in the comics…..well except for you being more compassionate than “Rat”…of course!
Oh, I thought Paris Hilton was just an urban legend…….go figure.
Tinkerbell, I am very impressed that you are an A plus member. It’s very generous of you to support Riese like that.
hello jo march it is me tinkerbell. thank you for noticing my support of riese via the A+ membership. i like to spread the wealth i earn from being so beautiful.
Poor tink. :(
hello tommy thank you for your sympathy love tinkerbell
I am talking about the avatar of tinker bell!
This was a beautiful tribute. Thank you for sharing, Tinkerbell.
I saw this while I was still at work and accidentally said OH NO really loud in my cubicle. My condolences, Tinkerbell. R.I.P. Paris’s Tinkerbell.
Hi Thinkerbell, this is Milo the monkey. I’m using my momdad’s account and just wanted to say that I’m so sorry for your loss. I was reading over my momdad’s shoulder this morning and saw the news which made me feel so sad because dogs are really awesome and cute!! Plus it made me think of you and well, I just hope you’ll feel better. Having a banana for you and your feelings. Milo.
This is when I realised things are bad. Tinkerbell, today is always your day, and there’s never enough about you.
With deepest sympathies,
Sally
This is the best thing, thank you Tinkerbell.