This week in Rosewood, Emily and Paige queer a hoedown! That’s right, it’s girls dancing together in plaid and cowboy boots!

This episode’s theme is “people are mad at Piper and we don’t really blame them that much” and I know y’all agree.

I hope your terrible facial hair overtakes your face and you choke on it.

Ever been punched in a tit before? That crushing pain in your areola and the dense tissue of the breast? Brutal. I’ll take dental surgery over titty punches any day.

Welcome back to the wonderful world of Glee, where boys tongue-kiss each other at school!

Crack is wack.

“At any given moment, you might turn into a rat, a demon, a werewolf, or a lesbian. In Sunnydale, no one was ever what they seemed, and by the time you’d figured someone out, they had already turned into someone else.”

“Nothing like clean pores to motivate the capture and slaughter of a chicken.”

It’s important to be super fucking aware of why this show resonates so deeply with people, and I wanna know what y’all think. [SPOILER ALERT: all the spoilers]

Indeed, they are lesbianing together.

Paige throws Emily a surprise birthday party but Emily shows up completely pissed off. This is not going to end well.

This week we’re promised a million big reveals and something called World War A. Also Emily and Paige have a sleepover. You can guess which part I’m more excited about.

I look forward to your angry defensive comments re: the benefits of ingesting menstrual blood.

Nothing is more awkward that coming out to your friends’ parents or your parents’ friends. This week on Pretty Little Liars Emily handles it like a champ.

Let’s just go right ahead and kick off this recap with a gif of Alex. Let’s make that a thing that we do, okay?

Lesbian criminals who are members of an international drug cartel, what the fuck else is up.

Okay. A murderous, cyber-stalking, all-knowing bully I can grasp, but any teen girl talking to her dad like this? No way.

All those times where you’re like, is it squirt, is it pee, who has to sleep in the wet spot, do we lay down a towel before sex now, etc.

“Red’s husband is like, whoa, free-thinking woman, are you on your period or something? Who let you out of the kitchen?”

The week on Pretty Little Liars everyone is snooping around and we catch up on some Deep Thoughts with Melissa Hastings.