“Brandon tells Dani he’ll pay her back but she says it was a gift and giving makes her happy, happy, happy! Then, she says she has one request and I don’t want to know what it is. I pause the show, eat Skittles and consider quitting the recapping life.”

Welcome to the penultimate episode of American Horror Story, the show that hits you in the face harder than a left hook from Misty Day.

A show about “celebrities” with “relationship problems” being solved by a “professional” team of therapists. Quotation marks intentional.

This week on Glee, everybody yelled at each other some more! Then there was a cool band at a hot club called CALLBACKS. Also, I think waitress uniforms are the new Cheerios uniforms.

Autostraddle’s television writers on their favorite lezalicious, bisexual, queer and trans* ladies on the 2013 teevee!

This week on Glee, “Funny Girl” opened and Santana came back!

This episode is all over the place, but Betty from Bomb Girls tries to cop a feel. So there’s that.

This week on “Faking It,” Amy goes to a lesbian coffee shop and Karma’s parents introduce the schoolchildren to Kale!re

“Laneia, that was our first official interaction in the world — you seeing a link to my blog on The Planet Boards and wanting to delete it.”

In which Emily spends some quality time in bed with Alison and we return to Aria’s love shack only to discover shocking news about Hanna’s past hookups.

“The doorbell rings and it’s Emma the Wrestler with noodle kugel! We get a little primer on how Jews respond to funerals. Hint: They bring kugel. Every time they say “kugel,” I hear “kegel” and do 15.”

After hours — probably years — of research, Dannielle has concluded that every lesbian on TV has a side part. She’s meticulously compiled her evidence in the essay contained herein.

There is a scene in this episode involving Snow and Charming taking on a Medusa that looks like she’s straight out of a Sega Genesis game, and it is ridiculous. I can’t even describe to you the completely ludicrous nature of this scene, I really can’t.

“Tom and I in Amsterdam, cuz yeah… that’d be dangerous and hilarous. Or Jamie and I in Seoul, Korean food #FTW. Lastly Jenny and I in Brazil, for the beautiful women.”

The winter premiere of Pretty Little Liars is finally here and we’re going to get to say the word “box” a lot.

“There were all these different bodies and shapes and colors that came in to audition, women who had gone to Juilliard or been on Broadway, but no one wants to put them on TV because they don’t necessarily fit into a TV executive’s idea of what’s beautiful.”

Is this show ridiculous? Of course! Am I at all interested in watching TV shows that DON’T feature a talking severed head of Kathy Bates? NOPE NOPE NOPASAURUS REX!

I hope you like dad jokes, because this recap is chock full of them.

“But then again, my favorite princess was Belle, whose Stockholm Syndrome didn’t register as an issue to me, so long story short: Disney princesses fucked with all of our childhood concepts of healthy relationships.”

“I represented my community and I think there are a lot of other people in the house that kind of did them and we just did us and I think that’s what makes the show a really good, almost – if I can say this – positive Real World. I think it’s awesome because we’re us and we lived and we cried and we fucked.”