Lots of super serious things happen in this episode where the metaphor of and literal Hurricane Wanda really picks up speed but all I can do is make fun of Portland and be miserable.

Yeah right, like she WASN’T going to drink for those 48 hours of freedom.

Wherein in Alex Vause returns and we all collectively wet our pants.

Is it just me or does it seem like this episode has a lot of people smelling other things. Why is everyone smelling everything?

It’s Valentine’s Day at Litchfield and Poussey Day in Flashbackland!

Shit is going down in the bathroom, y’all.

I think Poussey could say she’s invented the toilet brush and y’all would buy yourselves at least six toilet brushes, you would have a room in your house just for toilet brushes.

“Real human change requires space to be honest with yourself, honest with others; a space that doesn’t exist when you’re trapped by necessity behind a fortress of self-protection. As the inmate Poussey in Orange replies when a correctional officer pressures her to speak openly during a group therapy session: “Does it ever occur to you that actually feeling our feelings might make it impossible to survive in here?”

“Journalist dude’s mouth says ‘no problem, let me know if you change your mind’ but his face says ‘I AM VRY DISAPPOINTED IN U PIPER U ARE ACTING LIKE SEASON 1 PIPER RN’.” Caputo makes a cameo with a tiny plant.

The Prodigal Daughter of White Trojan Horsery has returned to Litchfield, minus her bespectacled toxic popsicle and plus a newer harder attitude. What adventures await our little vanilla wafer? Time can only tell, inmating ritualists.

Litchfield, O Litchfield! How hast thee fared? Didst thou miss me? Much as I have learned over time to not only tolerate Piper but also genuinely enjoy what she brings to the show, a Piperless Litchfield is somehow the best Litchfield yet.

We hate to tell you, Dorothy, but you ain’t in Kansas High Security Prison anymore, and Toto’s only looking out for Toto.

The criminal justice system in the United States is a fucked up institution that is every kind of -ist you can think of. Lots of people are working to fight it.

There is no tradition more time-honored than playing the role of a random New Yorker who discovers a corpse in Central Park on an episode of Law and Order.

Autostraddle’s television writers on their favorite lezalicious, bisexual, queer and trans* ladies on the 2013 teevee!

After hours — probably years — of research, Dannielle has concluded that every lesbian on TV has a side part. She’s meticulously compiled her evidence in the essay contained herein.

“There were all these different bodies and shapes and colors that came in to audition, women who had gone to Juilliard or been on Broadway, but no one wants to put them on TV because they don’t necessarily fit into a TV executive’s idea of what’s beautiful.”

“By the way, just to keep the record straight, I was fucking HER! She wasn’t “fucking Lea DeLaria”! I’M THE TOP!”

This episode’s theme is “people are mad at Piper and we don’t really blame them that much” and I know y’all agree.

I hope your terrible facial hair overtakes your face and you choke on it.