In the first episode of “Faking It,” two girls are mistaken for a lesbian couple and they sort of just run with it.

Because of how upset and exhausted I assume y’all must be, I’ve made sure this recap is chock full of inappropriate captions and semi-offensive image editing and even drinking games you can play the next time you feel up to the challenge. Here is your veritable stuffed French toast of a recap, so go ahead and dig in.

Last week I was on a mountain with no internet! So welcome to your very very overdue “Faking It” recap, just in time for tonight’s episode.

Welcome to the seventh episode of American Horror Story, featuring an award-winning musical score by Hans Zimmer. I’m sorry, that’s not Hans Zimmer; it’s two goblins humping on a Casio keyboard. My mistake.

“But then Mulan came charging out of the closet, and one million homos stood up and said I KNEW IT, I FUCKING KNEW IT, MOTHERFUCKING HONOR TO US ALL.”

This week on “Faking It,” everybody finds out about the threesome and Amy and Karma break up and everybody gets real sad about it.

Get ready to learn so much about Ezra.

The one with wedding dresses because why not.

While Sarah seems extremely comfortable roughing it up and peeing in the woods, Felix equates camping with being homeless in the country. Obviously he’s never been to A-Camp.

The one where the writer’s were like, “Meh, let’s just accuse random people of being A from now on. Who cares if it makes any sense?”

Welcome to the third episode of American Horror Story, the show for all your minotaur sexin’ needs!

Spencer is riding the strugglebus.

“I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that not ONE of these witches has made a Diana Ross Supremes joke. Not once. And they say “Supreme” every five seconds. OPPORTUNITY MISSED.”

This week on Glee, everybody competed in a big contest and some people won and some people lost and other people ate pudding for dinner with forks!

This week on Glee, everybody graduated and old loves blossomed anew!

“She’s hoping to find out who killed Nan, which is a waste of spell if you ask me. There are like, four other people in the house with you, girl. One of them is crying and the other is playing a theremin. Do the math!”

Bo comes home, Tamsin grows up and Lauren and Betty McRae have the most awkward post-sex process ever.

In which Santana doesn’t kiss any girls but she does wear a series of sexy outfits and boss everyone around while holding adorable puppies.

In this episode, we, for no explainable reason, go back in time to the 1940s. But Emily and Paige “climb trees,” so I’m fine with it.

This episode involved my two worst fears: fucking with teeth and being on a date with someone who would wear a long-sleeve polo shirt.