Hey Sestras!
Welcome to a deluxe two-in-one review of the sixth and seventh episodes of season two of Orphan Black! These would have been up sooner, but things like A-Camp, A-Plague, and A-Pain of Returning to the Hetero World have sidelined me. So what did I miss? ALL THE THINGS, apparently.
A-Camp Sex Tent
We open with Sarah and Helena camping out in a tent, on their way to find the Swan Man. Helena won’t disclose the location of Cold River, as she fears Sarah will ditch her crazy ass once she gets what she needs. Helena wants to know if she can bear children, as she is good with kids (DEBATABLE) and she’s pretty sure the Prolethians weren’t fishing around in her womb for spare change.
Here, Alison taught me how to hide vodka in soup cans
Helena tells Sarah she is a good mother, but Sarah is uncertain, what with the constant danger and all. Then Helena charms Sarah with some shadow puppetry and they laugh and bond together. Throw in a neverending game of UNO and it’s basically every family vacation I ever took.
…but what she didn’t realize was that the killer was in the backseat of the car the entire time!
That’s a scary ghost story
Ghost story? I’m telling you about my Tuesday.
You guys, I’m loving sweet, silly Helena. I mean, we all know she’s a cold hearted assassin, but she just wants love. Despite hunting them down, she just wants to be a part of the clone club. Helena and Sarah go to sleep, head to foot like a human yin yang. And then Helena cracks a massive fart. Classy move, Helena.
I call this “shadow scissoring”
In the mean time, while they’re dutch ovening the tent, Paul breaks into their car and goes through the glove box. He finds the Swan Man picture, and looks… well, I can never tell what emotion Paul is trying to convey. But he looks at it. Real hard.
Happy? Sad? Diarrhea?
The next morning, Helena and Sarah are back on the road. Helena is fiddling with everything: the mirror, the radio, Sarah’s nerves. She turns on “Sugar, Sugar” and starts singing along at the top of her lungs.
Are we there yet?
Sarah is annoyed, but quickly laughs in spite of herself. It’s basically just like the movie Crossroads with Britney Spears only not at all.
It’s not just all physical/
I’m the type who won’t get oh so critical
Over at Dyad, Delphine is examining Cosima for any reaction to the therapy. There’s no sign of reaction, so they are safe to proceed with treatment. Cosima is worried that Sarah and Kira will get sick, and she’s upset that she’s scared them by revealing her illness.
Delphine, that’s not remotely close to bondage
Delphine promises her that everything will be fine once they implant the stem cells into her uterus. Cosima is unsure, as the only thing she wanted implanted in her uterus was Delphine’s finger babies.
Okay, but I only want free-range, organic stem cells.
Lab geek Scott shows up to help with all the science. Delphine wants him there because he’s the best sequencing tech around, but Cosima doesn’t want to get anyone else involved in clone club. She tries to send him away, but Scott assures her that he already knows about the clones, and is ready to get his science on.
Clones here? Nope, don’t know nothing about clones, no siree.
What if I pose like a frowny faced gangster? What then?
Meanwhile at rehab, we drop in on group therapy with Alison. Alison is hesitant to share with the group, but her counselor tells her that she needs to take responsibility.
There aren’t enough garbage disposals for you people.
Before she can dodge any more therapy, Alison is shocked to see Vic walk into the room. Vic the Dick is back!
Are you guys looking for “The Worst”? Because I’m here.
Wrong finger, Alison
Across town, Felix is in the midst of an artistic vodka-fueled bender. Art walks in and Felix almost attacks him, but then settles for grabbing his ass.
What do you say we get a jump start on celebrating Pride?
Ugh, I would love it so hard if these two became a couple. Alas, Art is just there to check up on Felix.
Back at rehab, Vic confronts Alison for that time that she maced him. Alison is like, “Dude I go through a can of mace every week, you’ll have to be more specific.”
Come at me, bro!
I already maced you. I’ve got a taser, a nine, and full bottle of Grey Goose. Step off, bitch.
She tells Vic that she and Sarah are clones, but he doesn’t believe her. He also says that the Godhead has put her there to test him. What the fuck is a Godhead? I’m confused.
Back on the greatest road trip ever, Sarah and Helena stop in front of the church where Swan Man was last seen. Sarah goes into the church and tells Helena to wait in the car. I hope she cracked a window.
And if you fuck with my pre-sets, we’re no longer related!
Inside the church, Sarah sees photos on the wall and meets a Creepy Church Woman. CCW tells Sarah that the photos show the Cold River Institute. Turns out the church has saved all of Cold River’s archives and is keeping them in a scary church basement.
Hi, I’m looking for a place. A place of screams, specifically. This looks nice.
CCW tells Sarah that a Mr. Peckham has visited the archives several times, and Sarah tells her that she’s his student and needs to examine the files as well.
Allow me to escort you into a creepy as fuck basement.
Meanwhile, Helena gets out of the car and heads to a bar across the street. Dammit Sarah, that’s what child locks are for!
I shall find out what is so happy about this hour
Back at Dyad, Scott explains that he figured out the clone secret using a lot of sciency terms that I don’t understand. Also, he wants to see a clone. Cosima tells him one step at a time.
And then I was like, the limit does not exist!
We get it dude, we saw Mean Girls too.
Helena has ordered one of everything and is working her way through a pile of drinks. A big guy tells her to pace herself, but she’s like, “I’m on vacation.” He then tries to get her to join his table, but Helena is in no mood.
Accurate depiction of my weekend
When Big Guy tries to drag her over, she sprains his finger. They are broken up by a cute guy named Jesse (Suits Jr. from Suits) who apologizes and offers Helena pork rinds. She offers him a white Russian. I think it’s love. Meanwhile, Belt Buckle walks into the bar.
#notallmen
The fuck you just say?
Down in the church archives, CCW tells Sarah that what she sees in the archives will haunt her. Sarah is like, “A few days ago I was tied up in a shower and watched my once thought dead twin murder my torturer, so I think I can handle some dusty old files.”
They came down here to do research for their dissertation… and they never returned!
Donnie visits Alison in rehab, and Alison is pissed he didn’t bring the kids. She tells him if she shows up without them again she’ll cut off his dangly balls. Vic tries to calm them down and tells Alison that anger is a tool. As a confirmed tool, he knows what he’s talking about.
If my eyes could shoot lasers, you’d be fucking toast.
Also, Vic is on a Buddhist kick and is bowing to people and saying Namaste and Alison is having fucking none of it.
Sarah pours over files and finds old photos of deformed babies and medical records. Also, there’s a picture of “Most Perfect Baby,” which is weird because I was born in 1984 HEYO!
Go away, I’m looking at vintage porn!
Felix wakes up, covered in paint and hungover. Art is still there; he’s made coffee and is currently assembling a True Detective-style evidence map on the wall. He needs Felix’s help to make sense of all the evidence they hauled out of Maggie Chen’s storage locker.
Time is a flat circle
How about a flat circle jerk?
Back at rehab, Alison finds Vic praying in the gym and starts playing one-handed basketball. She tells Vic that Felix filled her in on his douchiness, and Vic assures her he’s changed/is enlightened now.
I’ve got what the kids call “game.”
Alison asks why she needs to fess up about her drinking, and Vic tells her that it’ll make her feel better. They play basketball together, and it’s almost kind of cute.
The delightful moment when you spell “hor” in horse.
Back at the bar, Helena spins a yarn for Jesse about her life. She claims to have been a detective, a scientist, and a soccer mom, but now she’s having adventures with her sestra.
Also I wrote the screenplay for Les Girls, then I fell in love with my lead, then I got blackmailed, then I hid the film in an attic.
And then you had vigorous strap-on sex during a charity bike marathon? That I don’t buy.
Jesse wonders how a simple guy like himself could ever keep a woman of a million occupations like Helena. They arm wrestle and he loses. Paul and Belt Buckle watch from the bar. Belt Buckle wants to give Helena a minute to enjoy herself, because miracles need drinks too.
You don’t look like your profile picture.
Yeah, Hank says that photo filters are the work of the devil.
Sarah is on the phone with Cosima telling her about Cold River. Apparently, they were doing all sorts of experiments on babies such as eugenic sterilization and Project LEDA-style clone shenanigans.
Delphine and I have been working on a new invention. We’re splicing the DNA of a pizza with the DNA of a bagel.
Cosima says that good intentions and bad science often go together, and that scientists are just poking around looking blindly for answers. Can any scientists verify this in the comments section? I had a sneaking suspicion that’s what was going on.
But if you did that, you could have pizza anytime!
Sarah asks Cosima if she’s going to be okay. Cosima assures her she will be, but we know that’s not certain. Sarah tells Cosima she can’t do this without her, and Cosima is like, “obvs, I’m the geek monkey.” They discover that Duncan aka Swan Man was at Cold River.
Was Cold River doubling as an oversized lapel club?
Back at the bar, Helena continues to beat Jesse at arm wrestling. A slow song comes on and he asks her to dance.
A lifetime of murder builds killer biceps.
They are actually really sweet together, and it reminds us that Helena has never experienced this before. She had no childhood, no adolescence. She’s only ever been a pawn in some evil man’s game.
Let’s slow dance middle school style
Speaking of evil men, Paul and Belt Buckle are at the bar divvying up the twins. Paul will take Sarah, Belt Buckle will take Helena, and no blood will be shed. As if on cue, Big Guy breaks up the dance and Helena starts beating the shit out of him. This escalates into a full on bar brawl.
NOM NOM NOM
This is what happens when you get between me and a sure thing!
Sarah tells the CCW that there are some files missing. Maybe they were taken by Duncan or Maggie Chen. As Sarah exits the church, she sees Helena being taken away. You can’t leave that girl alone for a second.
Helena’s face tho
But my pre-sets are unchanged, right?
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Can I just give a shout out to Mrs. S’s Pussy Riot jumper!
Yay mega-recap! I’ve been looking forward to this.
Things I loved in these episodes:
– Helena singing. More of that please.
– Cosima actually called Delphine a puppy.
– Alison’s method of expressing her current feelings towards Donnie: non-decorated name tag. BURN.
– Mrs. S is not only a badass, but a badass with a thermos and some biscuits in her pocket. She is the whole package.
Present thing I’m worrying about: Cosima’s going to be okay, right? They won’t kill her. Right??
Okay so that stem cell scene was way too weird. Delphine just kept asking “can you feel that?” and like sex and stem cells shouldn’t go well together? Or maybe they should? I don’t know, I had a lot of conflicting thoughts about getting hot and heavy while someone has a speculum in their vag.
Also, Art and Felix are my new headcanon and I need it to become a Real Thing.
Right? I just said “this is so weird” over and over through the whole exam. If I was Cosima, I don’t know that I would be able to think of kissing my girlfriend the same after that.
I thought that Delphine was asking Cosima “Can you feel that?” because she was numb from the anaesthetic they gave her. And she was kissing her and nuzzling her to comfort her and distract her from the (probably very uncomfortable and definitely very scary) procedure. I didn’t read it as a sex thing, more of a romantic and comforting thing thing. But that’s just how I saw that scene.
I think that’s exactly what was happening. Granted, that doesn’t totally eliminate the weird juxtaposition between very clinical science thingy and romantically kissing your girlfriend, but I guess their relationship has never been cut and dry. After all, Cosima is the scientist and the subject and Delphine is the girlfriend, the other scientist, and the monitor.
Excellent recaps (and a tall task)!
I feel like I’m going to get my ladyqueer card revoked for this, but I was kind of excited that Cosima told Delphine to get lost. I really want to see this chemistry, but I don’t. Delphine bores me to tears. Am I the only one?
Does anyone else feel like some of the supporting cast is too similar-looking on this show? I get a lot of the white dudes confused and now I’m confused about Ange and Marian.
You are not alone—I’m not really seeing the chemistry, either.
Also, Ange is stupid and annoying and not a very good actor. Marian is MICHELLE MOTHER-FREAKIN’ FORBES and she is AWESOME and more badass and hotter. So there’s that. Though I will grant you that there are now 3 brown-haired white ladies in their 40s/50s. I think the solution is to get rid of Ange and then have Siobhan and Marian mud-wrestle their way to the top.
Thank GAWD! I missed the recaps so much. Never leave us again.
(Or do, because you have a life and all.) But seriously: the recaps are probably 25% of my enjoyment of the show. Thank you for your public service.
As an engineer I cannot confirm the poking with a stick theory! Normally engineers have 90 slide PowerPoints to explain what they may or may not know.
That pottery crack is one thing, but sociology?? YOU’VE GONE TOO FAR! ;)