feature image via Netflix
Welcome back my friends to the recaps that never end! In this episode of Orange Is The Season 2 Has Been Out For Three Months Whoops Whoops Whoops, Piper gets to leave Litchfield for 48 hours! Woo!!! Let’s see if it’s everything she hoped for:
After a reminder to visit Red’s shop and pretty awesome bend-over-and-cough, she’s released straight into the loving arms of Cal, whom I just adore so much in this episode. He’s such a doofy dude.
Red is buying a lot of cooking ingredients at the commissary, FORESHADOWING ALERT. She tells Nicky to invite all of the former White Ladies group to dinner in the secret clubhouse/greenhouse for a Jane Austen Book Club reunion or possibly Fight Club, depending on how everyone is feeling about Red these days.
Guess who is baaaack? Pornstache struts on down the hallway, which is just so fucked up I can’t put it into words. I mean, the word that immediately come to mind are “toxic masculinity,” but you know. He starts writing shots immediately, power tripping the fuck out. This isn’t going to go well. Bennett busts into Caputo’s office and questions the legality of Pornstache’s presence, just like me, just like you, just like us all!
Caputo tells Bennett that he needs to be “up to the task,” so now Bennett gets to be on edge for the whole episode, trying to give out more shots. IT’S TIME TO MAN UP! Gross.
Healy is is in psychotherapy, frustrated with work and his poor mail-order bride. His therapist talks him through some anger issues and remains patient even after he screams at her. Better you than me, therapist lady.
Nicky is at an AA (NA?) meeting, talking about how glad she is to be sober, so you know this is about to be a giant bummer. Vee sits in the back reading The Fault In Their Stars like she has some kind of heart when really she’s like a lion stalking a gazelle. Also the way she’s made Suzanne her pet is so disturbing and interesting and I love this show. Vee offers the book to Rosa, who is basically just like “Fuck you.” Oh my gosh, Vee, you can’t just talk to people about their cancer like that! Then Vee tries to walk out of the meeting with Nicky, all chummy, much to Red’s stalkery dismay. Nicky’s not having it, though, don’t worry. If Nicky is the gazelle in this metaphor, she’s like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Gazelle or something tough. I don’t know, this analogy is falling apart. NEXT!
Red goes to Gloria to “unburden” Gloria of Red’s goods. Gloria wants the rest of her shit, but before we can learn more, Bennett busts on in to tell Red to get out of the kitchen. She tells him he’s going to make a great father. Ha! Red – 1, Bennet – 0.
We get Red flashbacks this episode! It’s the Mis-Adventures of Young Red and Young Vee, like The Muppet Babies but with more racial tension. Red makes the mistake of opening up to Vee (NOOOOOOO RED NOOOOO) and telling her that on the outside, she used the same vendor that’s in the prison. Vee immediately sees an opportunity, but Red seems all doe-eyed and naive. Certainly this will end well for everyone involved.
Daya and Bennett argue in the broom closet while she’s giving him a handjob. Daya defends Pornstache because of toxic masculinity, and we all collectively dry-heave over literally every aspect of this scene.