Last week on NSFW Sunday we talked about what lesbians don’t talk about when they talk about sex AND YOU ALL HAD A LOT OF FEELINGS.
A few days before the aforementioned post we’d started an ‘anonymous google doc’ wherein Autostraddle team members asked their own questions and gave their own answers so that we could ‘determine’ what people ‘want to talk about.’
Last week y’all had a lot to say about orgasms and coincidentally OR NOT someone asked a similar question on our ‘sex doc’ and here that is, with the answers:
Do you feel like lesbian sex (maybe all sex) can be too orgasm-centric?
* Yes, but orgasms are nice.
* No. It’s about feeling good. Maybe I’ve just been with really wonderful people who don’t mind when I/they don’t come.
* I’m super sex-positive and have been for years, and I’m generally more adventurous in bed than a lot of people I know, but I’ve never had an orgasm. I used to be really self-conscious about it, but i fucking love sex, so I’m kind of over worrying about it. My experience of sex is similarly intense to what people describe an orgasm as, and since i have mind-blowing sex i don’t feel like I’m missing out.
* Until my last girlfriend, I’d never had an orgasm with another person. CHANGED MY LIFE, let me tell you.
* I’ve had orgasms but it’s not easy. It annoys me when people are hung up on it, unless they’re like super-orgasmers who come every time ’cause then it’s not a hang up, it’s a style.
* If both partners feel good and had a good time, isn’t that enough?
* Lesbosexytimes is orgasm-centric for me because I am goal-oriented.
* It’s nice I guess, but a huge turnoff when the person you’re with gets orgasm tunnel vision and it’s like you have to stay on the ride forever until you either come or fake it. I will say though that the first time I came with another person was actually pretty amazing/special/#feelings.
* Orgasms for me are few and far between. They’re nice but I’m not too worried if they don’t happen. I’ve been with girls who get hung up on it and it kinda kills the mood.
On a related tip… from Sex Doc:
How wet do you get?
* When she isn’t, I feel strange and guilty. I feel like I’m CONSTANTLY WET and then sometimes maybe out of being nervous I won’t be, in which case I expect she feels strange and guilty.
* The wetness, it happens very much.
* This used to be a problem for me with the first girl I slept with. I think it had more to do with me not being comfortable with my body/being with someone else. She used to be disappointed and I felt like something was wrong with me which made me more uptight and not wet.
* The process of getting someone wet is like the best thing ever and if you’re partner’s not getting wet, somethings up that you have to fix/work on. It’s a good gauge, amiright?!
* I feel like I get wetter than any other human alive. It used to make me self-conscious and now I don’t care. But really, it’s a lot. A lot. And I take it personally when you don’t get it.
* Because I’m a more masculine-presenting person, my current partner and I discuss it in different terms. She gets wet and I get hard.
*COME ALOONGG AND RIDE ON A FAAAAAAAANTASTIC SLIDE SLIDE SLIPPITY SLIDE
* I love getting wet, I love getting people wet– it’s the most amazing feeling ever. before i started sleeping with women i didn’t even realize this was a thing. how sad is that?! now i get wet like a pro. or a well-oiled machine. but i hope people aren’t self-conscious if it doesn’t come as naturally/they aren’t blessed with mad wetness
* My partner and I sometimes talk about how ridiculously wet we get. We get really, really wet sometimes. Like if my vag. had a little white t-shirt you’d be able to see it’s nipples…err what? Yeah. that wet.
* I don’t get very wet, but I think it might be because my body is rarely in the mood for penetration. It wants sexytimes, just not always vag-centric sexytimes, you know?
* Wait, is this like that part of the vagina monologues? I don’t really ever notice/care, which probs means i don’t get super wet. but one time I hooked up with my friend’s ex and realized I was wetter than I’d ever been, which made me feel like a terrible person.
*It does not take much for me to get wet and I enjoy it when other girls are the same, it’s hot.
You can think about this even more when you read about new research on how women can THINK their way to an orgasm or this Scarleteen “user’s guide” to Sexual Response & Orgasm or Betty Dodson’s ideas about how Women Think They Can’t Orgasm because they are confused about what orgasm is from ‘watching porn where professionals either fake an orgasm or they are skilled practitioners of all things sexual’ or Greta Christina’s experiences with Different Kinds of Orgasms or this thing about how your ability to orgasm is linked to body image. Marie Claire has more about fake orgasm scenes in movies.
Also if you want to read more about getting wet than you could read Wet: True Lesbian Sex Stories. Also, a bunch of dudes ask does KY Intense really work? and say ‘yes it does.’ Try it if you want, or if you just want regular lube but one that’s organic, you could buy this stuff.
Somebody thought, “it’s weird it’s not more of a ‘thing’ that people say/mention/joke around about. Especially since ‘getting hard’ or getting boners are things you usually can’t go a day without hearing about.” We wonder if that’s got something to do with the censorship of female pleasure in mainstream media? Thoughts?
LESBOSEXY TUMBLR ALERT:
We are running low on these having provided you thus far I believe 52 sexy lesbian tumblrs, which is a lot of tumblrs. We thought we thought we’d have to make our own with kittens and Barbies, but then our very own BabyMorgan LittleDrinkFace (love!) said that she had a tumblr! And that it was sexy!! So we looked and guess what, Straddlepants, it is!
Animals Animals is the kind of tumblr that we really enjoy. It gave us a lot of feelings. Here, I’ll share them:
Laneia: Would you describe this tumblr as ‘ethereal’ in nature?
Riese: It’s like, black & white ethereal.
Greyscale.
Even when it’s not greyscale, it’s kinda greyscale.
Laneia: I feel like most of these women have escaped from a dilapidated home in Arkansas.
In a good way.
Riese: Agreed. Say that.
Laneia: They’re like, what you want those women to look like. When you read Southern Gothic fiction. I really like it.
Riese: Mhm.
All my female exes have made me feel straight-jacketed in two ways:
1. I drip, I get so wet, and my bits are very…pronounced? Let’s say that. It’s overt. My ex-girlfriends would always titter, mumble, and not know how to react. Every. Time.
They preferred toys to me touching them or going down on them or touching me. I felt like a prop. Does anyone else feel this?
2. In conjunction with issue one, I would say sexual roles are an issue for a lot of younger lesbians. I’ve tried to be butch–really butch–for years. I don’t think I am. I’m not uber pin-up femme, either, but I’m a girlie tomboy, if that’s possible. I wouldn’t say I’m La Roux andro, though people say I could totally rock her look.
I’ve always been forced to be uber-butch–stone, even. I do not want you to worship my strap-on and beg for my “cock” every time. Sometimes, it’s just a tool to get you off in a unique position. I’m still a woman–don’t ask me to cut my hair MORE, to stop wearing makeup, to bind, to pack. I’m not a man, and I’d say I’m a pretty poor butch. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching lately, and I’m not sure I’m butch. I feel affinity with butches more than some femmes in that I’m definitely dominant, but I do love cute things and some pink and ponytails. I’d say I’m a topping femme, or a lipstick (or maybe chapstick) lesbian. I don’t have to strap on a penis to make you beg. Is it completely unheard of that a femme can top if it’s not a straight couple?
Has any other woman had their girlfriends push them to be butch to the point of calling their “breasts” a “chest” and their vulva a generic “sex” or something? Female parts–I have them. Please don’t tell me you want me to keep my undies on because you “don’t want to see them.” That hurts. I think Sinclair Sexsmiths’s stories are hella hot, too, but they’re fantasies! Not all of us can pull off THAT much swagger and effort every time we get off. Sometimes, I just want to cuddle you and make you orgasm and go back to cuddling. Yes, I can butch up now and again and it’s super hot…but every time? It’s a fantasy persona…don’t you like ME?
in case my sister is reading this: DO NOT READ ANY OF MY COMMENTS IN THIS THREAD. okay thanx.
“Is it completely unheard of that a femme can top if it’s not a straight couple?”
hell no. i have been the femmest and toppiest in about 2/3 of my girl relationships, and i’ve been toppy at least some of the time in the others. you can 100% be femme and still top. you can also be femme and still get a lot of pressure to be more toppy more often than you’d like, because sometimes girls are dicks. your exes seem supremely devoted into making you someone you’re not (or not all the time) so they can get off. that’s fucked up.
Well I’m a butch who switches and, more often, bottoms, so I love a sexy top femme. Whatever ex told you to pack and bind and cut your hair, they just wanted a stone butch or a transman and they were pressuring you to fit the role. Sometimes I get pressured to wear women’s clothing because I bottom and still have feminine tendencies, but I feel most comfortable in menswear, and I don’t let anyone decide for me. So wear your dresses and makeup and heels and be yourself! There are plenty of women who will accept you as you come :)
do not make joke about coming do not make joke about coming
“* The process of getting someone wet is like the best thing ever and if you’re partner’s not getting wet, somethings up that you have to fix/work on. It’s a good gauge, amiright?!”
no.
agreed! people vary
There are legit medical issues where women have a hard time getting wet. So it’s actually kind of a bad gauge.
I DIDN’T REALIZE WET WAS THAT BIG OF A DEAL NOW I AM GOING TO BE SO SELF CONSCIOUS ABOUT IT.
not really. but a little. but really.
it so isn’t a big deal, don’t even worry.
i get like that when people start talking about hair/no hair/unicorn topiaries, and then i remember that no one lucky enough to be in a position to know what i keep down there or how i keep it has ever particularly cared. i think it’s the same thing — like, people talk a lot about it, but ultimately if you like someone it’s pretty irrelevant.
agree agree agree. that goes for everything, btw, like “oh my god did i call her too much” or “did i say something stupid?”…if she likes you, she’ll be too busy thinking about your hot bod in her bed to care about anything else, including how wet you/she gets
Wetness is so random for me. Sometimes I’ll be with a girl, and I’m totally into it, and we are basically on the verge of/ already having sex, and I’m just barely wet. Other times, she doesn’t even have to touch me, and I’m insanely wet. So no, I don’t think it is a great gauge.
Iphis-It sucks that you’ve been with girls who made you feel uncomfortable with your identity. I also cannot imagine why anyone would (at least at the onset of a relationship) prefer toys to a real person. I mean, sometimes they are fun, but if it becomes a constant, it seems to me that you might as well be masturbating.
I can’t imagine how hurtful it would be to have your girlfriend push you like that; it is just so insensitive. I’ll admit, I sometimes wish my girlfriend was more butch, but I’d never try to force her to be. Not to be too mushy and feelingsy, but I’m sure you deserve better than that.
I love whoever it was that responded with the Coolio lyrics
Annie, yes, it was hurtful. Thanks for your sweet comment! Strangely, as I’m becoming accepting of my feminine side, I find myself worrying if I’m becoming a stereotype. I like feminine, and I think it’s kinda subversive to be a “femme” with another “femme”; no, this push-up bra ain’t for you, Slab Bulkhead.
Here in PDX, a lot of femmes are treated like they aren’t lesbian enough, and butches are seen as “too mannish.” Anyone else see this phenomenon elsewhere? It’s safe, andro-hipsters that are found sexy, it seems, and no one else. I’m confident, handy, and smart, damnit! I work in IT! I can fix a busted sink! I’m a total geek! I fucking rock climb! Stop assuming I’ll squeal in horror at a puddle, kthxbai.
stereotypes don’t matter! you aren’t one!
A lot of people feel comfortable in the duality of butch/femme, but there’s honestly no need to subscribe to that kind of construction if you just aren’t feeling it. You aren’t your ratio of “girly” qualities and “masculine” qualities, you’re the amazing person you wake up as each morning! Your role in a relationship, your role in the bedroom- these aren’t as much about how “butch” or “femme” you are, it’s about the dynamic between you and the person you’re macking. a relationship is the attraction and the chemistry and the intuition of love- not how society’s convoluted masculine/feminine puzzle pieces fit together! be who you are, love how your heart tells you to!
Iphis: Is it really that rare for femmes to be with other femmes? I’m asking out of curiosity, since I am starting to realize that the LA bubble I live in (and we don’t even go out in weho that much) is not indicative of the greater lesbian world. My gf of 4 yrs and I are pretty girly, but we only call ourselves “femme” so that straight people can attempt to understand us. To each other, we are just ourselves, no labels. There is no “top” in our relationship…it is totally equal and we switch off fucking each other when we have sex and don’t use any toys. We are absolutely in love with each other’s bodies, and long hair, and neither of us want the other one to “butch up.” So yeah, I guess the point of this little rant is that girls like me and my gf exist, so if you decide to be more femme and you are still into femmes, there are plenty of fish out there for you, good luck!
Iphis; I have def noticed that in pdx also. Although I think I am much more on the femme side, I still lack in the “girly” department; and I would prefer to be with a girl that is the same, or even less femme. I’ve noticed it’s hard for me to find in-betweens like that, much less many girls at all. I am just coming out, so I actually have not been around many lesbians and haven’t actually noticed many couples unless they were a “butch/femme” combination.
Morgan; “a relationship is the attraction and the chemistry and the intuition of love- not how society’s convoluted masculine/feminine puzzle pieces fit together! be who you are, love how your heart tells you to!” – well said, thank you
It sounds like I’m in pretty much exactly the same situation as you..
I didn’t really have any advice or comments particularly, I just wanted to say :)
Wetness . . . hmmm . . . I’d definitely say it varies for me. I guess there are plenty of other things that indicate to me that a girl is turned on besides wetness alone. So I wouldn’t worry too much about it one way or the other.
I loved all the links about orgasms. I guess I’m kind of an orgasm addict. “Thinking your way to an orgasm”–I can totally do that! It’s a great way to distract yourself if you’re sitting in a boring meeting at work . . . But, I do have to say that it definitely takes more effort for me to orgasm with a partner than on my own. I guess that’s normal, but I didn’t realize that when I first started having sex way back when. I was taken by surprise that I had to really work at it (although, related to the “types of orgasms,” I have had better orgasms with a partner than on my own). I think it’s still nice to have sex with no orgasm (I definitely don’t orgasm every time I have sex), but I know that even when I’m in a relationship, I still need solo play to get my orgasm fix. And that’s OK by me.
Don’t know if anyone else has this “problem”? I guess it’s only really a problem if you have a gf or partner who doesn’t understand. My last partner was OK with it, but I can’t say she understood . . .
Well then, thank you for sharing ;P
I’m glad to know I’m not the only one.
Obviously we just need to go to tea and people-watch and try to come up with the Northwestern Lesbian-Watching Guide, Tiffany. There’s no way all of us Sapphic girls will ever find one another amid all the damn hipsters.
Hahaha, I could see it now… just sitting outside of a little cafe, intently taking notes on people walking by. Perfect.
Perfect? I don’t hear that often. I like eet.
:> I don’t hear “eet” too often either, I like that. ;P
Is that a winkie? The Guild has been a warning against inferring too much from a winkie. I’m not ready for that much intimacy! *flail*
oh, my sincerest apologies! -takes back winkie
You can’t take back a winkie! I’ll just–SIGH!–deal with the cute, witty banter if I HAVE to.
fine. ;] ;] ;] ;] ;]
Are we…flirting? on Autostraddle? Publicly? Sometimes, I worry about the virtualness of my reality.
A few flirtatious virtual winkies never hurt. <3
But do they help? :D If only private messages existed on this site, then we’d just talk.
Seems much more logical. I feel like I’m spamming this comment board. :]
M8R-96r1ws @mailinator.com
Email me? Yay, dummy email accounts! We can talk in actual emails if you’d like, but I didn’t want to post it all over. :3
Like Katie I live in a bit of a bubble in NYC, where almost everyone I know seems to be okay with a kind of ambiguous gender identity and I don’t really know too many people who are really strongly into butch/femme roles. I eventually became ok with the idea that I can usually be most attracted to androgynous or tomboyish or butch girls and that doesn’t mean I have to wear fancy shoes more than once a year or know how to apply makeup. See also: What Does a Lesbian Look Like?: The Autostraddle Roundtable.
I really don’t think it’s a PDX issue, I think femmes everywhere deal with invisibility. I know I do, certainly.
And on another note, my girlfriend and I live in Bellingham, WA and we sit at cafe’s and play “spot the queers.” We also play “what do we do if the zombies attack NOW”.
I agree on the invisibility issue.
And honestly, I think I would die asap in a zombie attack. :[ Maybe I need apocalypse training!
hmm the wet thing. i really don’t care, i mean if i had a good time and you did then i’m cool, so whatevs, lets get chinese. BUT one time my ex was like “wow, you’re not as wet as me which is weird because [name withheld] never got wet as me either” and i was like wtf?! kill the mood, no?
Wetness=YES I love it in me and in her.
My thoughts?? Worrying about your sexuality is BULLSHIT. Figure out who you are and what you like, then LOVE IT!! The right person is just naturally going to love you in bed. It’s basically inevitable.
My girlfriend and I both get incredibly, incredibly wet for each other virtually every time we have sex.
The only instance in which I can remember not getting wet (and her too) was during a massive, dehydration-inducing hangover. Has this happened to anyone else??
I’m surprised you can even consider sex during a hangover. So yeah, lack of wetness while wishing you were dead/decapitated, I can relate to that.
Right? Jesus Christ, I am too busy praying for death.
I don’t have any idea why, but after an entire day spent inside nursing a massive hangover and doing a whole pile of NOTHING, I will often suddenly want to have sex–maybe it has more to do with finally feeling productive, but it is usually really good sex and even though my body is like “holy hell what are you DOING to me?!?” I still feel better afterward, haha. If my gf is hungover as well though, no dice. That’s just too damn difficult.
I seem to be having the opposite problem with the “wetness: debate.
Im a mom, and Im very self conscious about my partners thinking they don’t turn me on, regardless of how wet i am. I might get really wet in the beginning, but after certain activities-my level drops, and i worry my partner thinks its a reflection on them, or even worse, that im just not enjoying myself and them in bed-which is sooo not the case…
Ladies, if you are with someone who isn’t as wet as they seem they should be-give em the benefit of the doubt! Its not always physical, it might be biological!
**Clarification*
When i said i was a mom, i meant to also say that because of that* my ladybits have changed, and the natural chemistry and how it works, is different for me when engaging or not engaging in sexy things. My personal level of wetness is not an indicator of how turned on i am :)
I have always felt that no one in this world could possibly get any wetter than I do. I get wet without even trying. In fact I got wet just reading about how wet every one else gets.
RT
FINGERS…MORE FINGERS.
(In all seriousness/hotness, “Wet” is a goooooood read.)
As a young queer I don’t have that much experience. But something I’ve noticed is that when I masturbate I get so wet I need a towel or two under me to keep from having to change the sheets. I’ve even ejaculated a few times. But when I’ve been with girls I don’t get half as wet and if I do cum/orgasm it’s very hard to get there. Don’t get me wrong, it feels great and I’ll be really turned on but most of the time I just can’t get there. Does anyone else have this problem? Any advice on what I can do to fix it?
When I was just starting out having sexytimes with people who aren’t me I had a lot of bother coming, even though I could get there every time by myself. First partner — loved the sex (LOVED IT), came maybe once during it in over a year. Second partner — again, seriously good times, but I could only come if she was doing this really specific thing in this really specific way. By the time I hit the woman I’m with now I was convinced I was really difficult to make come and that I would NEVER NEVER come from e.g. oral sex because only that one thing worked.
Sure enough, first time with her, didn’t happen. But as I relaxed around her it suddenly just kind of fell into place, and now I can come in about 3000 different ways, and I get there almost every time.
What’s the difference? For me, seriously, it just took getting older, and getting more comfortable in my body and sexuality, and being able to be that comfortable around another person. Like, all the stuff that sounds trite aand cliched but actually is real and matters. I am much more “fuck it” about sex now, I am much more about letting go of that need to be perceived as “good at it” and just being uncool and in the moment because the moment is GLORIOUS.
For me that just took some time, and a lot of really fun experimentation along the way. I suppose my point is, the sex you have with other people when you’re younger is not the same as the sex you’ll be having in a few years, or a few years after that. Obviously your partner will (probably) change and every dynamic is different, but more importantly what YOU are bringing to the table will change, and very probably for the better. It’s kind of awesome, really, and the best part is you get to have so much fun along the way.
Um, short version: over time you will probably get much more relaxed being sexual around other people, and then you’ll be squirting all over the place.
I hope you’re right Incognito. I definitely wouldn’t mind some sexyfuntimes.
First of all, I love this website. My friends have been telling me about it for a long time and I ignored them but I came on today and see how effing amazing it is.
I’ve had sex with two women. One the same age as me and one who is 14 years older than me. I get so so so so so wet with the one older than me and hardly at all with the girl the same age. I came every time with the older woman and only once in a seven month relationship with the woman the same age as me. The difference? The older woman was experienced but more importantly she was confident and made me feel absolutely beautiful just by the way she looked at me. The girl the same age as me was insecure and unsure of herself which effected the way I felt about her and myself.
So, I think the wetness factor is a combination of what’s normal for you but also who you’re with and how comfortable/confident you feel with that person.
I know what you mean! For me, it really comes (yes, pun intended) down to the confidence of the person I’m with, although age hasn’t mattered much, really. I find it’s incredibly sexy with a woman who knows that it’s okay for things to just happen, without the pressure of “what’s supposed to happen” in bed. or on the floor. or the top of the dryer. or on a lunch hour.
Yay, wetness!
Yay, orgasms!
Yay, female ejaculations!
OMG, I love sex so much I almost love AS as much, but…well, you understand, I know you do.
I also think it’s really funny that I JUST learned some of the deliciously filthy things done in my bedroom have, like, names. Whatever, gosh, can’t it just all be under the very simple umbrella of S E X!??!?! Why must everything be identified and pinned down like a dead butterfly?
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how does one access the google doc to post comments???
Iphis, you sound like the woman of my dreams on the wrong continent. Dont ever let them change you!
I actually am so in love with this post right now. It’s kind of put to bed some demons I was having. Big love.