Must I Accept My Roommate’s Preference To Be Naked?
Q
I live with three roommates; one of them really likes to walk around naked and sit on shared furniture naked. Is this okay? I hate it but I don’t know why. It’s not like their body is less clean than clothing we have been wearing in the world. I just don’t want to see a naked human body in my home all the time but I don’t want to be sex-shamey or body-shaming or anything.
A
Eva: As my grandmother would say, “Ahh hell nah!” Tell them to put some clothes on. To be naked in front of people without their consent is not okay. We all have varying levels of comfortability around nudity, and you are not wrong for expressing yours. This is a serious breach of trust and is a nonconsensual interaction. There is nothing sex-shamey or body-shaming about it as long as you approach this conversation with respect. I recommend approaching them–when they are clothed–in a calm manner where you state how their nudity makes you feel. I also recommend talking to your other roommate about it. Are they also uncomfortable with this? Is this happening when they are home as well or is it just you and the naked person? Either way, make this a group conversation. There’s power in numbers.
Valerie: Wow, I thought I had it bad when my old roommate’s boyfriend used to walk around my apartment in his boxer briefs when he didn’t even live with us. This is definitely worse!! On top of all the social reasons Eva listed, I would disagree about their body being less clean than clothing. I don’t care if they’re freshly showered, I don’t want genitals and buttholes on my couch!! (This might be a me-problem; I live alone and don’t even sit bottomless on my own couch.) This is also something that is absolutely BONKERS to do without asking for consent first. In my opinion, sex-shamey or body-shamey would be if they were wearing a skimpy outfit and you wanted to tell them it was too revealing to wear in public; if their bits and bobs are covered, that’s none of your business. But in the apartment?? They can be naked in their own room. In shared spaces, they have to respect what everyone else is comfortable with. Just like you can’t go walking naked down the street unless you’re in a specific nudist area that has been agreed upon by the social contract!
Summer: Yeah, nah, you’re allowed to assert a boundary about that. Clothing and nudity form part of every social group’s implicit social contract. And every society has restrictions and mores on what people can and can’t display on their bodies. Every single one. Full nudity is one that causes the strongest responses for a lot of valid (and invalid!) reasons.
While there isn’t a meaningful biohazardous risk of having butt or minimal genital secretions on your furniture, not everything humanity does is built on pragmatism. I’m autistic and I have to learn that the hard way every day, and so can your roommate. There are plenty of reasons to not want someone unclothed in the home. Genitals and secondary sexual characteristics are distracting and change the way we perceive each other (and we can’t always unlearn that). It’s a social norm wherever we live and deviation needs to have a really good reason. Seeing unsolicited nudity is within the realm of boundary crossing for most people. You’re allowed to assert that personal boundary in shared spaces. You’re not making unreasonable demands of someone in their private space here. If this is happening in shared spaces, you’ve got a good reason to remark because you are also entitled to comfortable use of those spaces.
Ashni: No, it’s not sex-shamey or body-shamey at all for you to want your roommates to remain clothed at home, especially on communal furniture! It’s your home too, and unless you’ve explicitly negotiated otherwise, I feel like the social contract of “wear clothes around others” applies (like everyone before me has said!). If your roommate wants to be naked, they can be naked in their room. Without you. Also, I definitely hear you on the whole skin vs outside clothes thing, but it doesn’t sound like it’s about germs. It sounds like you hate it. I would too!
Nico: Here to agree that although there’s nothing shameful or inherently sexual about the human body, we do live in a society, and in that society, we typically wear clothes around others. You aren’t in a space where you’ve consented to seeing others nude, you’re in your own home, and you have a right to a level of psychological comfort in that space. It’s a flag for me that your roommate never checked in about this, like maybe previous roommates didn’t have an issue, but they shouldn’t be assuming anything about your comfort level with their nudity. In fact, if you’re uncomfortable, you voice that discomfort, and they continue to walk around nude, then that begins to enter sexual harassment territory in my opinion. It seems like an out-there conversation to have to have, because, again, common sense would say that they should have already checked in with you about walking around butt naked before doing it, but the first step is to bring it up with them and ask that they maybe throw on a shirt and some underwear, at the very least, before entering public spaces.
Can you fix a bad kisser?
Q
I’ve gone on several dates with this girl and it is going great except for one thing: the kissing is not working! I’ve never experienced this before. Is there a gentle way to teach someone how to be a better kisser or should I give up and move on?
A
Summer: Goodness, kissing is a skill and nobody is born skilled at anything. Yes there are ways to develop that skill in a person. I’ve indulged in plenty of them as a teacher and student. The most important quality here is that the other person needs to be receptive to adjusting how they kiss you, whether they see it as improving their skills or just being shown how to please their partner. You can’t make someone go through this kind of change if they don’t want to, of course.
If you think your partner would be receptive to gentle feedback, there’s a lot you can do without bringing up their ‘skills’. Some of it is just guidance during romance that is hot. Bring your hands to their face and gently angle it to something more satisfying. A little bit of, “here, try this…” or telling her that you’d really like it if she “tried this instead.” Lead her to better habits under the (true) guise that it’s to please you. And do the same for her. Set the example by asking her if she enjoys a particular technique or intensity. Check in on her comfort and boundaries. So she sees an attentive lover and may be interested in returning that interest.
That’s my advice for gently nudging someone in the right direction without having an uncomfortable conversation that calls a very intimate activity into question. And my advice should play out like kissing itself: gentle, reciprocal, caring.
Em: I struggle with the idea of giving “feedback” on something so deeply personal as there isn’t really wrong or right, just difference in taste. I think with intuitive people a lot can be led through micro-suggestions with the body language (read: mouth). Verbalized negative feedback in the moment isn’t something I would like to receive, so I would not feel comfortable giving that. If it doesn’t feel like a quick tweak, and more like a chasm in style and sexual style and preference with the making out- maybe it just isn’t a fit? I would hate to yuck someone else’s yum with the way they kiss and damage their confidence on the assumption that I’m the correct kisser… I think I’d take this as indication that they aren’t a fit for me, and if the pace/feel/vibe of the kissing is off, that is probably just the tip of the iceberg around what’s incompatible between us.
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I totally agree with Em that incompatible kissing is a pretty dead giveaway of just… Incompatibility in general. Like what even is “correct” kissing? If the chemistry is there doesn’t it just work between two people no matter what moves exactly the kissing in question entails? I’ve had one ex whose kissing I categorically just Did Not Enjoy and the sex was never ever ever exciting. Maybe sparks are just not flying here!!!
In response to the naked roommate, I’ll just add: in spaces of consensual nudity (like beaches, spas, and play parties) there is still a pretty standard norm of using a towel on any shared furniture. You bring your own or one is provided but you never put your bare butt on shared surfaces, especially not fabric surfaces.
Summer, I disagree with your approach.
On multiple levels.
First, this is avoidant advice.
Advising anyone to dance around the problem with hopes that they don’t have to deal with it?
This is cowardly and self-serving. Nothing brave or kind about it. And certainly nothing that will strengthen or deepen the relationship.
Second, it’s promoting manipulative behaviors, and in this case, for the enhancement of your own pleasure.
In a relationship, this level of manipulation isn’t ‘the worst’, but if this pattern of behavior is a theme, this tiny red flag points to larger red flags down the line.
Control doesn’t stem from love, it stems from insecurity or other personal problems.
Perhaps you shouldn’t be in a relationship if this is where your first instincts take you when you feel discomfort with someone you have committed to.
Third, it’s dishonest.
If you’re experiencing physical intimate problems with your partner, not discussing it or withholding you feelings points to your lack of trust in the relationship, the other person, and/or personal insecurity. Of course, if physical intimacy isn’t that important to you, this need not apply, or need not be given as much weight.
I can understand not wanting to insult someone, but if you have a problem, you need to speak up for yourself and trust that your partner is strong enough to handle a bit of discomfort. What I see as the problem in her advice is that Summer cannot tolerate discomfort and is willing for her partner to suffer because of her own selfishness and lack of consideration for the other in the partnership.
This ‘gently guide’ thing is nice on paper, but horrible in practice.
Summer cites this ‘guiding’ as ‘gentle, reciprocal, and caring’, yet it clearly is anything but the very qualities she cites.
Ultimately her advice is avoidant, manipulative, dishonest, and ultimately self-serving.
Not everyone is receptive to this- especially autistic folks!
I’ve noticed in another article Summer has cited herself as being autistic.
Since neurodivergent folks do tend to flock together, it might not be too far off to consider that the partner is autistic. (Or that Summer may have been misdiagnosed with autism, but have ADHD/ADD).
Wouldn’t an autistic person be aware that many (most?) autistic people prefer transparency and struggle with socially reading between the lines?
I’m sure you already know that many autistic folks prefer to be told something bluntly or at face-value and wouldn’t be so butthurt by this approach.
A person with ADHD/ADD on the other hand would be at a much higher risk of grappling with rejection sensitivity.
In my opinion, a person with ADHD/ADD would be more likely to avoid the discomfort of being honest with their partner due to worry about hurting their partners feelings, AND worry about the negative emotional consequences (to themselves) of a butthurt partner on their ADHD/ADD feelings.
This sounds exhausting, and better explains Summer’s avoidance of honesty in a relationship/partnership than autism.
But you know. Who am I to assume. I’m just an unemployed autistic nobody with a Master’s of Social Work.
To the question asker.
My advice? (Other than ignoring Summer’s advice).
If you enjoy the company, time, and emotional intimacy with your partner, and everything seems to be okay expect the physical intimacy, give it time.
If the lack of physical intimacy is enough of a problem for you, this is probably a sign to have an honest discussion about it with your partner.
If the problem is so much that it is interfering in other areas of your life, and you and your partner’s shared time, company, and emotional intimacy isn’t enough anymore, you can always choose to end the relationship (with or without having the physical intimacy discussion).
I wouldn’t follow your advice for sure.
I had to re-read the question and answer because I did not recall reading terrible advice that would warrant such an excessive response.
The letter writer asked if someone
could be taught to kiss better. The letter writer says everything else is great so they clearly don’t want to stop seeing this person without trying to see if the kissing can change. The response was yes and that this could be done gently and kindly by doing, thereby rendering a conversation that would be very difficult to have without causing hurt and offence unnecessary.
The advice is not dishonest or manipulative. Your use of ‘avoidant’ to describe a dating situation is misplaced. You have inappropriately pathologised both the situation and response.
It seems dissonant to describe the advice as dangerous and in the next breath make assumptions about potential neurodiversity and offer your own diagnosis. That also feels inappropriate.
You don’t have to like advice and it’s fine to say so, but this can be done proportionately. You’ve made an absolute mountain out of a molehill. Your response was misguided and I hope Summer doesn’t take it to heart.
I respectfully disagree.
The core of Summer’s advice is avoiding a difficult conversation. A conversation that for people in her own (neurodivergent) community, is probably needed.
I would argue that transparency is the best policy for anyone, neurodivergent or not, in a partnership where vulnerability is a major factor.
Kerryn, I think where Summer and I are disagreeing here is who is offended and uncomfortable, the ‘physically dissatisfied question asker’ or the ‘bad at kissing’ partner.
To me, the ‘dissatisfied question asker’ is the uncomfortable party, not the ‘bad at kissing’ partner.
My read of Summer’s advice is playing to the ‘physically dissatisfied question asker’s’ fear of a predicted (but not guaranteed) future negative response from the ‘bad at kissing’ parter upon bringing the ‘bad at kissing’ partner into their experience of physical dissatisfaction. In other words, avoid the uncomfortable conversation and physically move/manipulate/change what the ‘bad at kissing’ parter physically does.
Summers advice seems to be written out of the fear of an unpleasant future outcome of the uncomfortable discussion, leading to the avoidant response… which might satisfy the ‘physically dissatisfied question asker’ temporarily, but create a new problems by not including the ‘bad at kissing partner’ in the problem solving.
Usually, when one person in a relationship is experiencing a problem, bringing their other partner into this knowledge will best assist them in fighting and working together to solve the problem. Now the problem can be both partner’s problem, not just ‘physically dissatisfied’ partner’s.
Adjusting the behaviors or movements of another is a literal physical manipulation.
The ‘gently guiding’ cues are not guaranteed to be permanent adjustments (esp. w/ autistic folks who often miss cues). They’ll probably last for the moment or make-out session, then be gone the next session. This is because the ‘bad at kissing’ partner has not been made conscious that there is a problem.
I can almost guarantee that having a conversation about it will be the best move.
Now that the ‘bad at kissing’ partner is more conscious and aware of their partner’s ‘physically dissatisfying’ experience, the two can work together as a team to find a way to work through that. They could talk about what works for them, what doesn’t. Maybe the two will decide to have check-ins, to make sure things are okay or if suggestions are necessary.
Again, suggestions at this point look more like working together for a common goal and the ‘bad at kissing’ partner will be more likely to be conscious and taking notes of what is working better. As opposed to the ‘gentle guide’/physical manipulations, which might fade as soon as the physical encounter is over.
It would feel dishonest to me if someone were to continually physically adjust my body and movements to their preferences without telling me why, or what was going on.
Over time, I would probably begin to become suspicious and grow to dislike engaging in physical intimacy.
This is what I mean by dishonesty. Over time (because I assume there will be more make-out sessions), these constant adjustments will feel out of place.
A sense of something is wrong might crop up and make the ‘bad at kissing’ partner ill at ease.
To avoid honest communication with the parter out of the fear that a conversation might be awkward at best, and that the ‘bad at kissing’ partner’s feelings could be hurt by the physically dissatisfied parter’s decision to speak truth the her experience? Just feels wrong to me.
It would be too bad if the couple broke up or partnership ends on a harmful or sour note because of some careless advice someone read from a stranger online.
Or worse, if the ‘bad at kissing’ partner becomes fearful of physical intimacy because of the repeated manipulations during physical intimacy and lack of honesty and transparency from their partner.
I would not call this ‘making a mountain out of a molehill’.
Summer’s advice could actually lead to more relationship problems in the long term- which is why I am taking the time to elaborate.
I apologize for the lengthy response.
Again, just another nobody who cares too much and would hate for someone to get hurt from bad online advice.
I hope this clarification is helpful.