Listling With Minimal Commentary: 39 Completely Context-Free Tabloid Headlines

Autostraddle’s expansive Vapid Fluff content is subject to a neverending news cycle. Every morning, before I so much as get out of bed, I scour multiple tabloid websites in search of potential queer-friendly gossip situations. Sometimes I strike gold — Kristen Stewart may be walking through an airport in casual outerwear, holding hands with a lady — and other times I skip through page after page of meaningless garbage, cursing the circumstances of my life which led me to this bizarre fate.

Being a celebrity means that every time you eat a sandwich next to someone, you’re getting married imminently, and every fashion choice you make is usually interpreted as a secret message to the person you dated anywhere from three to ten years ago. I have unwittingly learned the names of all of the Kardashians, and I’m a lot more up-to-date on Gwen Stefani’s relationship status than I’d like. Here are some of the most amazing headlines I’ve skimmed over as I searched for news of Samira Wiley, for the good of the people.


1.

madonna
Sounds plausible.


2.

assahoy
Fair warning, there’s a lot of ass in these headlines and an awful lot of it comes from the Kardashian family.


3.

asscantwait
Well Charlotte McKinney, you’re just going to have to wait.


4.

bell
Yikes.


5.

bikinimania
BIKINIMANIAAAAAAAA


6.

birdpoop


7

.
bowling
I wish they wouldn’t call the Kardashian family a Klan.


8.

britney
SURPRISE


9.

burgerking
Because she’s pregnant, get it?!?!? Stay classy, TMZ.


10.

buttdone
That’s what she said.


11.

buttgame
I didn’t know this was even possible, but they’ve done it.


12.

coulier
Please don’t.


13.

crazyish
Paul McCartney, I like your style.


14.

cusack


15.

dakota


16.

feldman


17.

flav
Journalism!!!


18.

iggy
The only way to cope.


19.

squirrels


20.

ikea


21.

whataworld
What a world we live in.


22.

jodie


23.

junkinthetrunk
OK, I loved this one.


24.

kimsmassivebutt


25.

kylie


26.

longerhair
Oh.


27.

mailbox
…Oh.


28.

mariah


29.

marvin


30.

mileyhouse
…Although that’s not an entirely terrible idea.


31.

monkeys


32.

mortifiedmila
I would be embarrassed too.


33.

nookie
When the universe hands you a headline like this, who are you to deny it?


34.

obnoxious
That’s just like, your opinion, man.


35.

que


36.

solonely
Same.


37.

taylor
I don’t even remember what this one was about, I just relish every opportunity to tell Taylor Swift she sucks at something.


38.

vergera
“Get in line, Nick Loeb.” – Rachel


39.

again
…Again!!!

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Stef

Stef Schwartz is a founding member and the self-appointed Vapid Fluff Editor at Autostraddle.com. She currently resides in New York City, where she spends her days writing songs nobody will ever hear and her nights telling much more successful musicians what to do. Follow her on twitter and/or instagram.

Stef has written 464 articles for us.

31 Comments

  1. Stef I can’t wait to read the slack conversation that lead to this exceptional article

    • i actually have just been posting these every day as they happen; for example today it was

      BLAC CHYNA
      BIRTHDAY DRIPPING IN DIAMONDS
      …AND ASS!

        • blac chyna is my favorite famous person i don’t know, like i have no idea who she is but i know everything she does now. i’m really excited about her, whoever she is.

  2. I can’t believe that Britney Spears cheated on her sexy bikini by wearing a different sexy bikini in Hawaii!

    And I’m kinda jealous of that giant bouncing water thing that Taylor Swift has.

  3. Princess Charlotte likes it when Marvin’s whiskers tickle her face.

    …don’t we all Charlotte. Don’t we all.

  4. “Princess Charlotte likes it when Marvin’s whiskers tickle her face.”
    Where do I even begin with this excellent sentence?

  5. I, too, have conquered the butt game

    (what is the butt game)
    (can I buy it from Hasbro)

    • I think it’s Parker Brothers has that game, while Milton-Bradley has the related game Junk in the Trunk.

  6. Look, I just think that if we take into account the probable lack of transparency / price comparison opportunities in the black market organ trade, p much *everyone’s* body parts could be worth $70 million

  7. Is there a filter or setting on my computer that can make it so I only see news items about Marvin the hamster and nothing else?

  8. “Kristen Stewart… …may be getting married imminently”

    As reported today on AS: you heard it here first folks.

  9. Oh, I apologize, terrible re-reporting from me.

    That should have been “Kristen Stewart may be… …getting married imminently”.

    There, much more accurate.

  10. “That’s not my IKEA range… its cabinets are too shiny”

    (Kindergarten teacher/parents of small children associations)

  11. Decided to venture to pagesix.com. This was the first headline I clicked on:

    Tommy Hilfiger’s daughter served him a silver tray of poop

  12. “John Cusack: Woman Threatened to Curse My Penis”

    it was me. Sorry Dobler.

  13. This is the best thing I have seen in the past month and a half of awfulness in my life. I didn’t know I even remembered how to laugh that hard. Please make this a regular thing!

Comments are closed.