Listicle Without Commentary: Other Kinds of Straight Pride Parades

(Inspired by the actual literal Straight Pride Parade that took place in Budapest on Saturday to protest the gay pride parade.)

Other Events Which Also Function as Straight Pride Parades, Therefore Rendering Straight Pride Parades Unnecessary:

1. The line at The Olive Garden on Valentine’s Day
2. Toby Keith in Concert
3. John Mayer in Concert
4. The Nutcracker
5. The Gathering of the Juggalos
6. Blood drives
7. Opening night of any Sandra Bullock film
8. Cabela’s Sponosred Collegiate Bass Fishing Championship Series
9. Boy Scout Camp
10. Spring Break in Ft. Lauderdale
11. J.Crew Spring Clearance, 7 AM
12. Fraternity/Sorority Date Parties, Formals and Semi-Formals
13. Book club meetings for Jodi Picoult novels
14. Any kind of Bowl (e.g., Super, Rose)
15. Football Saturday at University of Michigan
16. Tim Hortons Drive-Thru window
17. Jay Leno’s studio audience
18. Weddings
19. Thanksgiving
20. Fourth of July
21. Easter
22. Most days of the year
23. Church
24. School
25. Work
26. Play
27. The Bank
28. Second Life
29. Life

[“listicle without commentary” title stolen from the awl]

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  1. I wanted to comment on the fact that straight pride is a stupid idea, because everyday is straight pride day. Then I decided that it would be better to ignore the event’s existence, but I can’t convey that without commenting and therefore, acknowledging said existence…

    It’s a paradox that I can’t solve. The best solution I can come up with is for you to read this and then pretend you didn’t.

  2. With regards to #16. I have frequently found myself in the Tim Horton’s line because I am Canadian and that is what we do. I don’t feel like Tim Horton’s is straight. It is just Canadian. It is what we do. We get in line a Tim Horton’s. Not because they have good coffee (they don’t) or because they are efficient (they aren’t) or because they have good customer service skills (they seriously don’t) but because they have these very good bagels and donuts and it is what we do in Canada.

    In all ways though, in all ways, this is my favourite thing ever on Autostraddle ever. You’re so funny.

    And now I need to go to bed because I have to wake up in 6 hours so I can stand behind a bunch of people in the Tim Horton’s line for a bagel. And I live in Montreal and NO ONE is straight in Montreal at the McGill Tim Horton’s. So I am going to being standing behind a ton of gay Canadians in 6 hours.

  3. I’d be totally willing to compromise with straight folks on this; they can have a pride parade too as soon as they give up their right to marry, adopt in any state, feel safe walking down the street with their loved one, and knowing that their family and friends will always accept the sex of person they love, etc… Ya think they’ll go for it?

  4. Football Saturday at Duke University?? What does this mean? I’m an undergrad there, and I’m quite befuddled. No one even goes to the games…and the students who do are dressed up like it’s Halloween and absolutely plastered. Explain?

    Also. Awesome listicle. I’m totally with Midgey on having the straight folks give up said rights before they get a parade. It’s only fair, right?

  5. 30. Cabo Cantina

    31. Anywhere in Silverlake…hipsters are SO. STRAIGHT. anyone else notice this??

    32. Anywhere within 20 miles of a lake

    33. Fine jewelry stores

    34. Old Navy

    35. Nantucket Island

    36. The U.S. Military (*COUGH*)

    37. Grandma’s house

    38. Ski resorts

    40. Uganda

    (I skipped #39 to represent all the ethereal, inarticulate spaces where heterosexuality and matching-outfit Christmas photos reign supreme)

  6. In the vein of “Football Saturday at U of M”, my girlfriend witnessed a drunk guy literally crawling across the street while she was trying to get to work last Saturday. Ann Arbor is fucking ridic.

  7. Pingback: THE MOST CAKE » Blog Archive » Worldly Wise

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