Let Me Google That For You, Pt. 4

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Someday, when sentient machines lord over humanity and we become overrun by all-knowing, omniscient artificial intelligence, we’ll look back at Google and reminisce over the simplicity of an era where you could search the internet like a newborn deer, blinking innocently in the daylight and wobbling on fragile legs. Our thoughts will be interrupted by the machine assigned to oversee our bitcoin mining and we’ll stare into the never-ending night. “Those were the glory days,” we’ll say to ourselves. “If only we had Googled more and better,” we’ll sigh. So today – in the final installment of this series – I am going to answer, without any browsing activity bias, the top 5 googled queries beginning with, “Should I –,”


Should I upgrade to Windows 10?

I am strictly a Mac user, but I have done a bunch of digging to see whether if I hypothetically owned a PC I would hypothetically want to upgrade to Windows 10, and the answer seems to be a categorical yes. One immediate benefit is the new, flashy Cortana feature that allows you to perform any and all web searches, control your media and a ton of other cool stuff straight from your toolbar. It can also pair with your Android or iPhone. Also, it’s free! Sort of. If you are upgrading from Windows XP (because you’re a grandpa) or Windows Vista you have to pay for the upgrade, but if you want to upgrade from 7 or 8, your device should already be displaying a prompt for you to upgrade that sucker post haste. They have also made it fairly simple to downgrade again, so you’re not stuck forever.

My Windows-using friends (whom I imagine as mole-people freshly emerged from the New York City subway tunnels with a new lease on life) have told me that in comparison to the crap storm that was Windows 8, Windows 10 really stepped up and ironed out a ton of bugs, built in the fixes and added a ton of features that you’ll actually want to use.

Yes, you should upgrade.

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Should I stay or should I go?

The Clash’s 1982 hit “Should I Stay or Should I Go” outlines the importance of communication when one or both of you are asking yourselves about the longevity of the relationship. Clearly, in the line “Don’t you know which clothes even fit me?” the protagonist is implying that they are not being heard and that their partner doesn’t take an interest anymore. Further, the narrator extends a plea to better communicate in the line “come on and let me know.” However, everything becomes clear when the song itself defines “going” as indicative of “trouble,” yet staying as indicative of “double.” So, as per the advice of The Clash, if you are being ignored, unheard and lack communication in your relationship, you should cut the amount of trouble in half and get the heck outta there.

Should I text him?

No.

Should I remove it?

I have seen enough medical procedurals to know that if the “it” in question is an arrow, a knife, a pencil, a pen, a letter opener or a massive metal rod impaling you from behind, the answer is a resounding no. Don’t remove it. However, if you are actually referring to a tattoo on your wrist that you got with your girlfriend at the time, whom you now refer to as “Not-So-Serious Sarah,” and looking at that stupid minimalist arrow makes you cringe daily, then yes, remove that overpriced monstrosity immediately.

Should I quit my job?

There are only two reasons I can think of why someone would google this question. The first is that they are already so fed up and ready to leave said job that they are just looking for the validation of a stranger or outside source to confirm their choice so they can feel secure in their decision. I will provide that right now:

Yes, quit your job.

The second reason is that someone is bored, tired and is searching for an article to convince them to change their life in a major way and the job is just one possible avenue, which might not be necessarily recommended given the state of the economy. Kind of like the time I spent an entire day researching how to transfer colleges because there was a blizzard in Syracuse in late May: the reason felt valid, but it might not have been the best use of my time. So, to that wary vagabond I say, DO NOT quit your job.

You should though, expand your outside interests and open a Dream bank account online, like the ones they have at Barclays. It has no minimum deposit and if you don’t touch it for a good long while, while adding a spare buck here and there from your marginally satisfying job, you can make bank and go on a month-long walking tour of France, meet the love of your life and spent the rest of your years eating cheese. Boom.

Isabel is a Mexico City native and current Brooklyn dweller, stands about 5-feet tall and gets really mad when her girlfriend stores the olive oil on a high shelf. She's a documentary filmmaker by day and expert quesadilla architect by night. She runs a small production company with her brother and has worked with Paper Magazine, A&E, History Channel, Bon Appetit and The New York Times. You can find some short, dry sentences on her Twitter and her fauxtography on Instagram. She's a mediocre bowler.

Isabel has written 12 articles for us.

18 Comments

  1. Comparing Windows 10 to that piece of over expensive crap that was Windows 8, yes, you should totally upgrade.

    But there’s a couple things to take into consideration: Cortana till this day is not available everywhere, I live in Latin America and I’m still waiting, the only Spanish version is for Spain. And another detail is the browser, Microsoft Edge is the crappiest browser around, you can’t even use plugins but luckily, after you deal with the emotional blackmail from Windows, you can change it.

    Maybe you can say that these are not mayor problems, but for more than a year Microsoft has been telling us that these details are gonna be corrected and nothing happens. And Microsoft is not some kind of minor company that can’t make this happen. Personally, I think that they don’t give a damn about most international users.

    • I can very much agree with how bad Edge is(though in the preview builds I have tried it was getting slowly better).

      As for language I do hope they update, and I think a major language like Spanish will get updated, but it maybe a while. I’ve been waiting for years for google to update translate so it can speak Persian(good to use with older relatives), but it hasn’t yet(even after sending in suggestions for years).

        • Old Internet Explore for Windows 8 had tablet functions, while Edge currently does not(like swiping left or right to change a web page). If I am using my Surface as a tablet, it’s not dice(but I pretty much stopped using edge in favor of chrome), with mouse and keyboards it should be fine? I can’t speak for IE on Windows 10 as I don’t use that version.

        • Edge still has a lot of problems, besides the no-plugins thing.

          It has problems with some embedded videos. Funny thing: Microsoft always says that’s problem with your video/graphic card; the problem is that I don’t have this problem with any other browser I use.

          Microsoft says that Edge is a lot faster and secure than IE. I can say it’s faster for sure, but about security I’m not sure because I can’t even use my freaking antivirus plugins.

        • Well in terms of speed IE was never really that bad – especially compared to heavy browsers like Firefox. However, I’ve always had some mysterious dislike for it.

          As a multi platform user I very much prefer chrome.

  2. Well it really depends on usage when upgrading to Windows 10. For desktops, laptops, and 2in-1 Windows 10 is great. But, as a mostly touch os, for say a keyboard-less tablet, I’ve seen many say Window 8.1 is way better. YMMV.

  3. Love this! The texting advice made me ridiculously happy (both in the article and in the comments). And that last paragraph is a happily-ever-after ending if I ever saw one… TV people looking for things to do with their queer characters should take note.

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