Welcome to the last Legends of Tomorrow recap of the year, which I have to point out is called “Legends of To-Meow-Meow” because while the names of these episodes are always clever, that one made me laugh out loud. It also perfectly encapsulates how absolutely bonkers this episode is. It’s everything we love about the show – the misfit camaraderie, the wacky storylines, the outfits, the heart – turned up to eleven. Or maybe even higher. It’s so bananas in all the best ways, and if we have to go on a four-month hiatus, at least we’re going out with a bang.

When we last left the Legends, Constantine had…well, he broke everything. He tried to save the love of his life, against Zari’s hard-won advice, and fractured space and time. Charlie was pumped because she got her powers back, not caring all that much that Zari had somehow turned into a cat.

We pick up there, with Charlie scritching Zari-Cat’s cute little head.

There’s a pussy joke in here somewhere…

Charlie’s plan is to go somewhere cool, then program the jumpship to auto-pilot back to the Waverider with Zari-Cat in it. A win-win, right?

So Charlie drops herself in Las Vegas, 1962, and shape-shifts into Marilyn Monroe, because why not? She goes to see her leprechaun friend, who is using his Irish luck to mess with gamblers. Charlie tries to stop him, saying he’ll draw attention to the Legends, aka precisely what she’s trying to avoid, but he doesn’t listen and before long, Ray, Nate, and Mick show up, dressed like they were just playing J.I. Joe in the backyard.

Ray (I saw someone on twitter call this version of Ray “Raymbo” and I love it) spots the leprechaun and doesn’t think twice before shooting it square in the chest. Charlie asks what’s going on and the boys give her a cool action-style title sequence for their new squad: The Custodians of Chronology.

The boys traipse back to the Waverider, now covered in the hides and heads of all kinds of creatures, and Ray asks Gideon to check their messages. In the meta way that only Legends can get away with, when Gideon says that they missed calls from Barry, Oliver, and Kara, Nate says it must be time for the annual crossover, and that they’ll pass. This little silly reference made my heart so happy.

Charlie realizes that things are too messed up to just go about her life, so she sneaks back onto the Waverider and finds Zari-Cat. And I do so love that throughout the rest of the episode, Charlie talks to Zari-Cat like she can understand everything Zari-Cat says, even though we only hear meows and hisses. It’s amazing.

Charlie wonders out loud why Zari is a cat, and Gideon appears in a much more feminine form than usual.

I love two (2) spaceships. (Lucy from Killjoys is the other.)

They compliment each other on their new “smokin'” appearances and Gideon explains that the Fairy Godmother turned Zari into a cat, and the boys have been like this since Woodstock. So Charlie takes on Sara’s form, hoping to be able to boss the boys into not killing magical creatures on sight anymore.

“You boys look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

They’re all just staring at her strangely as she gives her best impression of a Captain Sara speech, and then these creepy, murderous smiles crawl across their faces and they say they know she’s the shapeshifter they’ve been after. They yell at her for pretending to be their dead captain, and I fall on the floor wailing while Charlie falls on the floor from being impaled.

When Charlie shifts from Sara’s form to Amaya’s though, she heals and takes off with Zari-Cat.

Charlie decides to put Zari-Cat in a cute, on-theme spaceship backpack and head to the Time Bureau for help.

When she gets there, she turns into Gary to blend in, then notices that there’s a plaque in the office for Sara, saying she was killed by a unicorn. Which, to give her credit, is the queerest way she’s died so far.

Charlie runs into Hank Heywood and asks where Constantine is, and he answers in that fed-up way most people talk to Gary, saying that he’s confinement, where he’s always been.

Charlie goes to see Constantine but he’s…not doing great. His memories are as fractured as time is, but he does immediately recognize Zari and turn her back into a human.

I kind of hope that Zari is forever distracted by lasers/irrationally angered by birds.

An angry human.

So maybe this screenshot is just an excuse to capture these two in the same frame DON’T @ ME

Charlie tells Constantine that without Sara, the boys turn into killers, so they have to go back to Woodstock to save Sara and then everything will be good as new. Zari doesn’t think it will be that easy, so she is about to head out to get help stopping them, but Constantine panics and turns Zari back into a cat again.
Outside the cell, Constantine and Charlie run into Mona. At first they’re afraid she’ll be a problem, but she hates the Custodians too; she also doesn’t like this whole kill-the-beast way of life.

So Mona agrees to help, but they’re running out of time, because the Waverider just landed at the Time Bureau. Gary runs into Charlie-Gary and because he’s Gary, immediately asks if he’s ever going to find love or items he’s lost. Then warns Charlie-Gary about a shapeshifter on the loose and runs off. I love Gary, but I often wonder how exactly he keeps this job.

Anyway, Charlie, Mona, and Constantine head into what used to be Ava’s office, but is now a den of sadness where the Indigo Girls plays 24/7 and you can only wear your comfiest black clothes.

“A” was for Ava all along. #BooRadleyVanCullen

Charlie looks upon this sad site and realizes that this timeline is even more broken than she thought. I mean, Ava dyed her hair BLACK for goodness’ sake!

“What’s wrong, guys? Don’t you like my Alex Vause cosplay?”

Ava doesn’t look like she’s in the mood to be doing anything but sulking until Charlie mentions that this isn’t the right timeline and that they have to save Sara. Suddenly, Ava is on her feet and ready to go, her still-watery eyes suddenly full of hope and light once more.

Closer to fine.

Team Fix It runs into the Custodians in the hallway and there’s a shootout but Charlie can’t worry about that right now, she just grabs Constantine and Zari-Cat and hopes that whatever just happened will fix itself when they save Sara, too.

So they take the jumpship back to Woodstock and zip zap the unicorn from the sky, long before it can so much as think about nibbling a nippe. Sara is pleased and is glad they didn’t need Constantine after all, since in this timeline, he was apparently even harder to recruit.

Sara might want to visit Purgatory and teach the Unkillable Gay Squad a thing or two.

So I guess we can officially mark this down as yet another time Sara Lance has defied death. Death totem, smeath shmotem.

Charlie is sure they’ve fixed it this time, but then she turns around and Zari is still a cat. A judgey cat, at that.

So Charlie heads back to the Time Bureau again and checks the plaque wall again. The good news is, Sara is alive. The bad news is, now all three boys are dead.

Charlie is sure she’ll get it this time, she just has to go save the boys now. But now instead of the Custodians, she finds the SIRENS OF SPACE-TIME.

GIVE ME THIS MOVIE IMMEDIATELY

This Charlie’s-Angels-style opening is what dreams are made of. The girls are in leather, and it’s Ava and Sara kissing in a speeding car like some kind of Bonnie and Clyde.

Blown out speakers! Hand in hair! High speed kiss! HAND IN HAIR!

Sara being called by her old vigilante name, White Canary, and Ava being given one of her own: Roundhouse.

They said two blondes could never work but HERE WE ARE.

Also joining these badasses is Gideon in humanoid form, staking vampires and being called Hard Drive.

It’s like something out of a crack-fanvid, or something Caity Lotz would have made behind-the-scenes while they were filming, or a literal dream I had. I couldn’t be happier about it.

Project this on my tombstone.

The three leather-clad bombshells go flouncing into Hank’s office like he’s their Charlie, but before he can give them a new task, OUR Charlie decides she has to try to join these Sirens if she’s going to find out what happened to the boys.

WHY IS EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW SO ATTRACTIVE

The ladies go to their fully-stocked armory and do a sexy-haired weapons check, and are talking like they’re in a 70s crime drama.

I DON’T EVEN LIKE GUNS BUT I LIKE THIS

Charlie poses as Amaya and offers to help, and the girls gladly accept.

I mean who could say no to this face?

After all, they tell “Amaya,” there are so many magical creatures to kill.

*record scratch*

Charlie is surprised to hear that even with Sara back at the helm, the Sirens are killing magical creatures on sight. Charlie asks why and they explain that what else would they do? The boys died during a tangle with the Fairy Godmother, so now they know that all magical creatures are bad and deserve to die. Charlie asks how they know they’re all bad, and Sara points out that they haven’t met a good one yet.

“A good magical creature? Don’t be daft.”

(Side note: while this is going on, Constantine and his time-fracture headache are in the jumpship and he’s being comforted by Zari-Cat…it’s very cute.)

Sara is starting to get suspicious of Amaya, so they ask her about Zambesi, and when Charlie practically says, “gesundheit” in response, they know she’s the shapeshifter they’ve been after. Also Gideon scanned her and knew the whole time. But Charlie distracts them by saying she can take all three of them by herself, causing them to laugh so hard they don’t see her slip away.

Would break time laws just to get attention from these three.

Charlie heads back in time to Salem and tricks the little girl into severing her tie with the Fairy Godmother using broccoli. Charlie’s starting to get that cavalier attitude Zari got toward the end of her own looped episode, but this time instead of an exercise in futility, Charlie is playing whack-a-mole with her problems.

But Charlie and Constantine feel good about this time around, and get excited when they hear Zari’s voice instead of meowing, but when they turn around, it’s true Zari isn’t a cat anymore…but she’s a puppet.

A pouty puppet, at that.

In fact, when they get into the Waverider, the whole team is made of puppets. Sara, Nate, and Ray, singing puppets, talking like they’re in a kids’ show.

We get a whole intro, actually, of that self-same show, talking about flying through history, calling themselves the Puppets of Tomorrow. And I’m just saying, they already have the puppets, MAKE A WEBSERIES.

Constantine exclaims that he needs a drink and has to interrupt them before they finish their song about needing help reaching the sink to get a glass of water. It’s so pure.

They ask Puppet Sara what happened, and she tells them about how Mick called them Time Bureau puppets and ran off with the Fairy Godmother.

Listen I’ve seen Avenue Q I know what Puppet Sara could get up to with Puppet Ava.

Charlie wants to try again, so she keeps changing things, little by little, to no avail. The first time, Ava is dead. The next it’s the Heywoods, then Gary. When she finally gets to a reality where there are no death plaques, Constantine looks worse for wear.

Zari is mad, Charlie is killing Constantine by shoving all these realities into his head. (I guess since he’s the one who broke it in the first place? Because her and Charlie seem fine.) Zari says that no matter what, unless they go back to 2018 New Orleans, they won’t get it right.

I love that everyone on this show teaches everyone else lessons.

Zari turns to Constantine and makes one last attempt to convince him to do the right thing, telling him that even if they do go back and fix the timeline, and Des is in hell, doesn’t mean they can’t still fight to get him back.

Constantine knows Zari is right, and finally agrees, causing Charlie to make one last attempt to fight for her powers. But Zari was ready for her this time, and blasts her against the wall, leaving her behind to take Constantine back to where this all started.

Charlie is pissed so she decides to turn into Ava and fix this herself.

Caity and Jes were both so good at being Charlie-as-Sara/Ava.

She goes to the Waverider and tells Sara that they have to go to New Orleans 2018 to stop a shapeshifter, so Sara plots a course.

Constantine goes back to New Orleans and watches both of his old selves before jumping into the timeline again himself.

Zari is quarterbacking him from the jumpship, so happy to be a) not a cat anymore b) reunited with her one true love: food.

Though I have no doubt Zari would have found some catnip given enough time.

Back on the Waverider, Charlie-as-Ava watches Sara send her boys out to kill the magical creature(s) wreaking havoc on New Orleans, much to Charlie’s confusion. Charlie uses her best Ava voice to talk about how they should just capture them so they can be brought in and contained and Sara is confused as to why her girlfriend is acting so weird all of a sudden. Charlie tries another route and says maybe it is the real Constantine, but Sara insists it can’t be since she couldn’t successfully recruit Constantine so she knows he doesn’t time travel.

Desperate, Charlie reveals herself as the shapeshifter to Sara to try to spare Constantine. She tries to figure out why Sara is hunting magical creatures instead of capturing them, and asking why she can’t see that just blindly killing them all is wrong. But Sara doesn’t hear her, not really. She just comes up behind her and snaps her neck.

Constantine 3 stops Des outside after Constantine 2 kicks him out, and apologizes for being a complete arse. Des is still mad at him for the things he said, but he knew this relationship was going to be complicated, and he thinks it’s worth fighting for.

As soon as he says, sure Des’s feelings for him are consensual and true, he memory flashes him so he only remembers Constantine 1.

On the Waverider, Charlie heals herself back to life, much to Sara’s surprise.

“I thought I was the only one on this show who refuses to die.”

Sara is going to shoot her instead, while also keeping Ray and Mick on hand down in New Orleans, ready to shoot Constantine, since they still think he’s a magical creature.

Charlie tries to talk Sara down again but Sara says that killing magical creatures is what’s keeping them alive. Charlie doesn’t understand, she went through so many scenarios. But then it hits her, the thing people keep saying to her: they had no proof any of the magical creatures were good, or worth rehabilitating. All they had seen were murderous beasts.

They never met Charlie.

It’s a Wonderful Life! This is a holiday episode after all! (I’ve always wanted this to happen to me.)

Charlie finally sees that time needs to happen the way it was meant to happen, just in time for Constantine to lean in and kiss Des. Ray and Mick shoot at Constantine, and Sara leaps up to kick Charlie, but True Love’s Kiss saves the day, and the time wave of reality fixing itself sweeps through, saving Constantine, reverting time back to when Sara had leapt up in the air to kick the possessed Stein puppet.

This show is cuckoo bananas but it also somehow makes perfect sense.

Charlie is bummed she’s mortal agian, and without her powers, but after a brief confusion about why there was a still a puppet, she’s happy to see that things are back to the way they’re supposed to be.

Sara is confused, but Zari and Charlie slither away and leave Constantine and booze to explain the day they just had to their fearless leader.

“Lemme guess, I died again?”

When they’re alone, Charlie apologizes for almost destroying all of history, and for always being such a thorn in her side.

“Every turn I take, every trail I track, every path I make, every road leads back to the place I know, where I cannot go, where I long to be.” – me to this ship

She says that there’s a reason that, even when she could shapeshift again, she kept defaulting back to look like Amaya. Zari posits that it’s because Amaya is very hot. (Which…isn’t wrong.) Charlie smiles at that but says the real reason is because that’s what it looks like when she joined the Legends. Joined. She finally understands that she has a role on this team, that she has purpose, and she’s not going to blow it again.

Zari agrees to this truce and the girls walk off together, Charlie asking Zari to confirm that what she was saying back there is that Zari thinks Charlie is very hot.

“I mean, I have eyes.”

And listen I know it could be considered greedy to have Avalance be the main ship on this show and for all of reality to hinge on two men being in love and then ALSO to want Zari and Charlie to get together…but I MEAN CAN YOU BLAME ME?!

Eh hem.

Speaking of togetherness, elsewhere on the Waverider, Mick finds Ava and tells her that he made her snickerdoodle recipe and didn’t hate it. Ava returns the half-compliment in kind re: his book. They smile at each other knowingly; they’ll probably never be the best of friends, but they’re family.

The power of Sara Lance, ladies and gentlehumans.

After Constantine tells Sara the whole story, Sara is understanding and kind. She has his back, no matter what. And she’s down to help him get Des back from hell and defeat this Neron guy.

“Honestly? As long as it’s not Damien Darhk, I’m so on board.”

Speak of the devil (literally?), Hank Heywood is out golfing, and when he gets a phone call, we see that his caddy looks like Des…until his face shifts and he looks like a plant pod of sorts. He’s basically a humanoid version of trypophobia. It’s kind of cool in a freaky sort of way.

And so it seems that when we return for the second half of the season, we’ll have a brand new big bad to hunt down. Enjoy the hiatus! Keep it wacky. I have two tasks for you while we’re on break: 1) write all the Sirens of Space-Time fanfic you can muster 2) find every sci-fi loving friend you have and make them watch this show. They have almost half a year to catch up and we need more people on this wild ride with us if we’re going to get a Season Five. Got it? Good. Okay Gideon, plot a course for April 2019.

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