I’m a Lesbian and I Want to Hate-Fuck These 9 Men So Hard Their Kindergarten Teachers Forget Their Own Names

Artwork by Viv Le

And listen I don’t need to explain myself to you.
1. David Addison — Moonlighting, 1985

I won’t be unpacking this but just know that I found his lesbian equivalent and her toothbrush is in my medicine cabinet.

2. Carmen Berzatto — The Bear, 2022

Poster child for this Reductress headline, Carmen Berzatto is a house of cards that’ll only collapse if you hurt his feelings enough, and I want to hurt his feelings enough. (And then we fuck about it until someone’s lip bleeds.)

3. Paul Newman — 1963 (and 1981)
Photo by Archivio Cameraphoto Epoche/Getty Images

This man hasn’t looked me in the eyes for months, and while I’m below deck making my own cocktail he’s chain-smoking and flirting with all my...

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Laneia

Laneia is the Director of Operations and founding member of Autostraddle, and you're the reason she's here.

Laneia has written 918 articles for us.