You Need Help: I Have a Crush on My Friend’s Super Cute Mail Carrier

Q:

I broke my leg and have been on leave from work for a couple weeks, so I’ve been spending a lot of time over my friends’ house during the week.

Last week, while I was waiting outside I met their mail carrier who’s super cute. I was too nervous to talk to her, I just offered to take my friend’s package from her and that was it. But afterward, I told my friends I thought the mail carrier was attractive and they said I should try to get her number.

The problem is I’m already not great at talking to women I have a crush on, but I also don’t know because I’ll only see her when she’s working. Her routes go to my friends’ house, not mine, and they’re moving in a couple months anyway.

Is there a way to do this respectfully? What would I even say? Should I just leave a note? I don’t think she’d remember our two-second interaction at this point.

A:

First of all, super sorry you broke your leg babes! Hope you are healing smoothly and that your friends are writing cute and naughty things on your cast!

Now, let’s take this bit by bit. You need to spend a moment or two figuring out what is the root of why you aren’t “great at talking to women.” This can be as in-depth a dive as you want it to be but, you kinda do need to figure it out for this and future moments. Do they make you nervous? Are you just worried you will fumble over your words and look a bit silly? Have a lot of your past interactions gone wrong, so now you think most of your future ones will go the same? Or is it not all that deep and you’re just fucking shy?

I understand that some folks are timid. It can be hard to talk to someone you find attractive and put yourself out there, and I think the main reason folks are afraid to do so is because there is a chance that you can be rejected. It’s a simple fact that when you put yourself out there — for a job, for friendship, and of course, for a chance at romance — the interaction could end in a less than magical way. IT SUCKS TO BE REJECTED, but think about it this way, these people that you see across the coffee shop, or that you’re crushing on after one or two quick interactions don’t really know you. So although it might suck to hear “Nah, I’m not interested,” know that they don’t have some secret thick-ass file on you and are rejecting everything about you that makes up who you are — they just don’t wanna kick it with you and get to know more. Try not to take it SO personally, just take it for it is, feel your emotions about it (please don’t skip this part), and then move forward. 

But at a certain point, if you are shy (and you’ve made as much peace as you could with possible rejection), you can’t lean on that shyness as an excuse — you have to just start getting through it and do the damn thing. Closed mouths don’t get fed babes, and it sounds like you’re running out of time to shoot your shot.

The next barrier is that this person is at whole ass work. So we need to figure out a few cute options for you to show a bit of the baddie that you are and express your interest, without interrupting their workday. I love that you want to be respectful of that! I have a few ideas:

  • Do a bit of the slow (but not that slow lol) move: Somehow make the opportunity to ask them their name. You’ll have to make it where you are somehow outside when they are delivering. Grab the package/mail from them and make it a point to say thank you, ask them their name, introduce yourself, drop a compliment, and say goodbye. (“Oh, I’ll take that from you! Thanks so much, what’s your name? Dope! I’m ___ , you have a great smile by the way — have a good day!”) It’s a literal 10-second conversation that won’t hold them, shows them you’re kind, you get their name and they know yours and you can express a bit of interest and gauge theirs.

Now you can have a few more cute interactions like this over the next week or so. Saying a bit more each time and paying attention to how they move. Are they sticking around for a second more each time? Smiling a bit more at each interaction? Things like that. Now, I know your leg is broke and I don’t know if your friend has a house, apartment building, etc — but you can try to make being outside when they are delivering look as organic as possible lol. That way, when you shoot your ACTUAL shot later in the week (asking for their phone number to get to know them more or giving them yours) you can do the cute thing and reveal that you’ve obviously been outside purposely because you’ve been working up the nerve to this very moment.

  • Write a note: Again, find a way to introduce yourself and get their name — but this time leave a note for them to get the very next day and cross your fingers that she doesn’t call off work. Put it in an envelope and tape it to the mailbox with their name on it so they KNOW it’s for them and doesn’t just toss it in their mailbag. In the note just say it’s from you with a little extra point to jog their memory (“I’m the cutie that’s in the cast for now!”), along with your phone number and saying that you’re hopeful for a text so you can chat with them when off the clock.

Now you just have to wait. Obvs go and check and see if the note is gone and if it is, assume that she got it. Go back inside and check your phone incessantly and wait to see if Mailbag Mami is gonna text you. If you don’t hear from her you can do one of two things: Assume she is not interested and let it go, or you’ll have to follow up and “run into her” again and straight-up ask shorty if she got your note and take it from there! I say just ask her because if you try to leave another note you might end up in a cycle of wondering and that’s not where you wanna be.

  • Just talk to her: The next time you see her, say hi, tell her you aren’t trying to keep her long because she is working, and express your interest. (“I’m ____, we spoke a few days ago and I think you’re hella attractive and I was wondering if we could trade numbers and chat.”) Have your phone with you and ready so you can just type it in send that first “It’s me” text with an emoji and not hold her up.

This is my fav option because you get to know everything and there is no wondering. She either is or isn’t interested and you know what feelings to feel. You aren’t left wondering if she wants to chat, worrying if she got the note and things like that. This is, however, the boldest option — but maybe when the moment comes you’re ready to be bold.

The main thing I hope you take away is if you want something, you’ll actually have to make moves to try to see what’s up. You don’t have to force yourself to be something you’re not while making those moves. You have options, there are a bunch of ways to approach things and you’ll find the one that fits your vibe. But if you don’t wanna be left sitting and wondering “What could have been” — you will have to do something.

Good Luck QT,

Shelli Nicole


You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.


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Shelli Nicole

Shelli Nicole is a Detroit-raised, Chicago-based writer. Her work has appeared in Bustle, HelloGiggles & Marie Claire. She is terrified of mermaids and teenagers equally.

Shelli has written 176 articles for us.

13 Comments

  1. Shelli, you gave some great advice for this specific scenario (hope it turns out well for this person.) but also some really comprehensive thoughts on communication and dealing with crushes as a person with awkwardness and nerves.
    Anyway cue The Marvelettes‘s Mr. Postman! (Change it to Ms. shift the lyrics a little, idk what I’m saying.)

  2. AMAZINGG!!!

    + asking ppl out, if it doesn’t work, it’s just practice for the future :)

    Alicia Keys’s “You Don’t Know My Name” is my pump up song for asking ppl out!! (she asks out a person named michael in this song, but hey it works for me).

  3. But what if you have no indication that they’re even gay??? I had a very brief interaction with a very cute canvasser this evening but I could never actually ask for her number because she’s so cute and probably straight and taken. And at work. Same with the girl who gives me free coffee at the pie shop. Too much risk, isn’t it?

    • Maybe your idea of who can be gay is too narrow. I personally had to get over my own internalized femmephobia and just ask out other femmes. I’m not saying the person you’re interested in is femme but sometimes there’s this narrow window/idea of who “looks” “gay” or “queer”.
      I’m the type of person who would rather regret something I did vs something I didn’t do and it honestly stems from not shooting my shot at so many people I thought was attractive. Just go for it! There’s some good advice in the article.

      • Yeah, you gotta know your own area to judge if it’s safe to more or less come out to a stranger or casual acquaintance, but worrying that your crush maybe straight and/or in a monogamous relationship is another form of fear of rejection.

        You can drop the gay hints or try to noninvasively figure out if they’re single beforehand, but ultimately it comes down to shoot your shot or stay waiting and wondering forever.

    • I don’t think you need to worry about the gayness—plenty of queer folks don’t get enough attention because they don’t present as queer. If they’re straight oh well.

      BUT I wouldn’t mess with the girl at the coffee shop. Rejection you can get over, but what if you stop getting free pie?! 😱

      If you’re moving or she stops giving you free pie anyway, then I think it’s safe to follow Shelli’s advice.

  4. I appreciate this very specific question as someone who was once awestruck by a very hot mail carrier at the post office. Just as I was telling myself to not make assumptions based on haircuts, the mail carrier turned around and I saw a giant tattoo on their arm that read “DYKE.” Incredible.

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